Looking back at the poems she wrote for me...

[mtmc01]

My mind has just been blown. Looking back at some of the poems she sent me, I'd say if I wasn't sure it was BPD before, I'm darn sure now. Keep in mind these were written when we'd been together for one month or less... .

(as if written to her ex-boyfriend)

How many, many times

I thought of you dearly

While we were together

I thought I never felt weary.

The Love I assumed

Infused my soul,

For you, fair and blonde,

I thought made me whole.

In long days of summer

We spent hand in hand

And walked on together

Imprinted the sand.

And the warmth of the sun

I mistook for your love

As the rays showered down –

As I thought, “It’s enough.”

Then one night you came to

My door with a look

That struck at my soul

And did not give, but still took.

When you told me in darkness

That you could no more be

What you once were –

What I thought – still to me –

I weeped and I trembled

Riddled with fear

That nothing would render

Me healed, as thus seared –

But the fire that seared me

Was not what I thought

It was merely a shadow –

Of what could be, what ought.

And then in your wake

Another appeared

With eyes brimmed with hope

That my eyes then mirrored.

This other was more than

I had ever conceived

And my emotions more so

Than I could’ve believed.

Love, this is love,

An unending grace

That forgives and accepts

And Elysium makes.

Every care that I had

That I could not share,

With him I could, did,

And dissolved my despair.

You see, you were nothing,

A figment, at best

A poor imitation

Of what I had not guessed.

Where you wavered and faltered

He took me to him

And I gave to him everything

Heart, soul, and limb.

I had so much to offer –

And so much yet still

But him, and not you –

Will I seek to fulfill.

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Tied by love and pain, we can

Not sever Truth from Man

And yet, I attempt to flee

From the grips of destiny.

Grasping to the wisps of time

That emitted scents sublime

I stumble through the darkest haze

Wander through the blackened maze.

In vain it is to wonder why

I could not fly across the sky

And escape the cruel embrace

Or the haunting, staring face

Of my past, here with me still…

I never wished them bad nor ill…

Yet words travel through the air

Afflict my soul, bereft and bare.

Take me now, from wiles and woes

From the agony and throes

That beset my mind, en masse

That never die, but always last.

There is a hope I may emerge

From the waters, from submerged –

And you will free me from the mind

And leave affliction far behind.

----------------------------------------------------

Springing forth from sparkling rocks

The blades wave lithely in the breeze

They bid the quiet of wanderers

But float and stir just as they please

The verdant splendour of the crests

Spew forth a vibrance till then unknown

A year! It seemed to be much more

For the ground to sleep alone.

The pallor of those dreadful nights

Have haunted – yet they must return –

But for now, the blades splay, thrilling,

Breathing rays for which they’ve yearned.

Movement, void of stagnant stillness -

Dancing midst the speckled skies

Smooth as undulating currents

Remedy for hopeless sighs –

Paradise within an ocean

Of green jems, do not soon fade –

For now the Moment is Devotion

For now the fears of life allayed.

--------------------------------------------

Would you leave me by the wayside

If I could not fill your wants and needs?

Would you leave me in the nighttime

To perish ‘mongst the grass and weeds?

Could you forgive the faults and fables

That I have had, and told, and do

The messes on the many tables

That fill our home, obscure our view?

I only wanted to be all that you could

Or did, or would, at all desire

To light a flame against the wood

And ignite you with a glowing fire.

Could you accept all those mistakes

That do litter all my acts

Would you stay when I do wake

And misconstrue the motive, facts….

Will you stay by me, and remain

Through the grey, torrential storm

Would you ensure it’s not in vain

That to your heart I have so sworn?

Tell me, tell me, while it’s daylight

And I can read your honest face

That upon our love we’ll alight

….No matter what the case.

[mtmc01]

Am I inferring too much? Or would you all agree that this was clearly BPD from the onset?

[mtmc01]

Anyone? Am I crazy?

[Whitefang]

Impossible to make assumptions from poetry.  God knows a BPDs words seldom manifest into actions.  Sounds like you're ruminating pretty bad, searching her words for "answers". 

How would it change anything?  Yes, knowledge can be power, but even if you managed to have every answer in the book, even directly from her, it would change nothing. 

Have you studied the workshops here?

[mtmc01]

I'm not so much searching for answers as much as just clarity. I thought a lot of what she was saying in those showed a pattern of BPD behavior... . specifically the line about "mirroring" me and the last poem in which she basically predicted all of the craziness she would put me through.