Unfortunate development

[Grey Kitty]

I am learning a lot very quickly about the both of us. Particularly about how petty some issues in the past really were.

God, what a sucky way to find it... . but staring eye-to-eye with the possibility of death does give you some perspective on what is really important. Here's hoping that both you and your wife will learn from it. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Depression, sadness and hopelessness has really set in now, hasn't eaten for two days. Lots of S & E at the moment, but will need some T soon as she needs to start looking after herself physically. :'(

"Coffees" with her mum was a classic demonstration of invalidation. "don't feel sorry for yourself" "show some backbone" etc.

Still no visit yet from any of her family, not even an offer.

Personally I am feeling a whole lot of bitterness and resentment, but not sure as to were it is directed. I am working on identifying that and not laying it were it does not belong, and preferably dissipating it altogether as it achieves nothing.

Going to have to do some inner centering, I'm a bit all over the place at the moment

I am sure this is normal.

[Surnia]

Going to have to do some inner centering, I'm a bit all over the place at the moment

I am sure this is normal.

Yes, this is normal!

I would feel the same.

Some T sessions would be a good idea.

[doubleAries]

While the outrage over her family's callousness is completely understandable, it shouldn't be a surprise. If her family were warm, caring people, she likely wouldn't be BPD.

Not taking care of herself is easy to understand too. Keep this article in mind Shame and Implicit Self-Concept in Women With Borderline Personality Disorder

Keep yourself utterly focused on what you can and cannot control. Say the serenity prayer every time you need to. This will allow you to feel your grief and fear, instead of murking it up with frustration.

you know we're all pulling for you.

[Maryiscontrary]

Man, my heart goes out to you and her. I don't know, it may not be such a good idea being around her family. This is where iron clad boundaries my be helpful. This may be a time to let go of being around other's well established empathy failures.

In my case, I find that I just can't depend on family. I do have really good friends, and I am really trying to learn to trust them. But only from my perspective, being around toxic behavior really, really makes things much, much worse.

From my prospective, a situation may not be able to be made better because of logistics, but maybe it can be made from being worse. Another way to look at is that you may not stop the hemorraging, but you can slow it down.

Slow down exposure to causes and conditions that you know are gonna make the situation worse.

Hoping this doesn't come off as offensive, but for me, not being around ___holes really improves the quality of life. I am not saying that her family isn't nice or is nice, but I am saying for myself, this statement is true. Self soothe instead.

Do you follow me? Does what I say seem clear to you?

[waverider]

Man, my heart goes out to you and her. I don't know, it may not be such a good idea being around her family. This is where iron clad boundaries my be helpful. This may be a time to let go of being around other's well established empathy failures.

In my case, I find that I just can't depend on family. I do have really good friends, and I am really trying to learn to trust them. But only from my perspective, being around toxic behavior really, really makes things much, much worse.

From my prospective, a situation may not be able to be made better because of logistics, but maybe it can be made from being worse. Another way to look at is that you may not stop the hemorraging, but you can slow it down.

Slow down exposure to causes and conditions that you know are gonna make the situation worse.

Hoping this doesn't come off as offensive, but for me, not being around ___holes really improves the quality of life. I am not saying that her family isn't nice or is nice, but I am saying for myself, this statement is true. Self soothe instead.

Do you follow me? Does what I say seem clear to you?

I have been encouraging that path for a long time, we go to hardly go to  any family gatherings for the simple reason we have to go though, no ever comes here. But as my partner has never really had that close bonding she is still stuck in trying to establish it. A T once told her it is difficult to cut a tie and move on if it was never there in the first place. They dont talk badly just no physical effort to put themselves out. So one pleasant phone chat and they are all white again and idealized.

Thats all really a side issue anyway.

I did a lot of reading on Breast cancer and support roles. As I have always said what we learn here is a life skill in general, what it talks about is employing SET much the same. The whole procedure and journey is clear in my mind now about what happens and the various physical and emotional issues that arise.

Luckily my partner was just over the hump in BPD, we are on the same page in that and are addressing that together, rather than contesting that issue, so that journey will go hand in hand.

I am about as prepared for this as I can be.

[Maryiscontrary]

Gosh, is there any way she can stop this trauma bond cycle? If she can really, really focus, she probably has a good chance in beating this. But she had to eliimate every toxic piece out of her life and relay listen to her body.

As well as you do with yours. I am pulling for you. I hope she takes the right path.

[waverider]

Until the BPD is mostly overcome, and it might never be, she will always be at the mercy of low self esteem towards her family. Or her mum passes away, which I cant see being in the near future

[GreenMango]

I'm sorry Wave.  It's good she has you through this.

Take good care of you too through it.

[waverider]

Going away for a few days today before she goes for surgery. See you all when I get back

[yeeter]

Take care of yourself wave

Enjoy the break

 

[Surnia]

 

My heart goes to you and your wife for these days.

[waverider]

Day of surgery has finally arrived, its been a rough couple of weeks waiting. Still doesn't feel real yet.

[daze]

Hoping for the best for your wife and you.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Best wishes!

[Blazing Star]

  Hope it all goes well. Keep looking after You.

Love Blazing Star

[Grey Kitty]

  I know that feeling heading out for surgery and waiting and waiting and waiting... .   My heart goes out to both of you.

[Surnia]

My thoughts goes to both of you!

[MammaMia]

waverider

I had breast cancer in my right breast 5 years ago this May.  Surgery and radiation.  I was fortunate my tumor was very small and I did not require a mastectomy.  I have been on medication since.  I insisted both of my sisters have mammograms.  One was fine and is being monitored yearly. My other sister was diagnosed shortly after me and she had bilateral mastectomies with reconstruction. She has done very well.  

I will not kid you... .   your wife will be headed for some really difficult days and she is going to need your unwavering support.  Her mental illness will probably spiral upwards, and she will need constant reassurance that she is beautiful and dearly loved.   Watch for depression.

Once everything has healed, she should be cancer-free.  She needs to focus on the positive.

Prayers to you both.   Please hang in there.

[waverider]

In surgery right now. It will take longer than normal due to unspecified complications, Tumor is about 8cm.

Looked so vulnerable being wheeled in

In a way BPD has helped in certain aspects, although her moods and fears were up and down to extremes, an ability to accurately asses what real future projects are acted as a kind of block. Yes there was worst case obsessions but that cycled with over the top positive feeling. She wasn't stuck in reality,  that may come when she wakes up.

Depression and lack of self worth will be a big concern I expect. So will potential over dependency on pain killers and meds, as that has always been an addiction issue even at the best of times.

Been hard to concentrate on much these last few days, just concentrated on getting out and smelling the roses.

[laelle]

Just wanted to let you know that you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Just wanted to let you know that you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. 

What she said! 

[LetItBe]

Thinking of you and your wife, hoping all went well yesterday! 

[waverider]

surgery went well, now we have to wait for results of tests and scans to see to what extent more treatment is needed. Needless to say she is very upset and the hospital stay is causing abandonment issues.

Hoping this doesnt cause a relapse into pain killer addictions, thats another issue I dont want to have to deal with

[Cumulus]

I am so sorry. My prayers will be with your concerns.

[MammaMia]

Waverider

I am glad things are going well.  Your w will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Be sure her doctors are aware of her previous addiction to pain killers.  Take care of

yourself.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I'm glad the surgery went well.   

[Clearmind]

  all the best to the family Wave! Take care.

[waverider]

Back from hospital now, spent a week in there, I was there a lot of the time too, hence my absence from the boards.

All went well so far, tomorrow we get the pathology results back to determine severity and decide future treatment.

A lot of issues and perspectives came to light and will need working through.

This place has equipped me well to deal with this and provide effective support.

Good to at least get back to some kind of routine and be able to contribute more effectively once again

Thanks again for all your support and words of encouragement.

[MammaMia]

Waverider

Welcome back... .   we missed you.  Glad to hear all is well so far.  Things may become more difficult now that you are home without all the support received at the hospital. 

Let us know if we can help.  Take care.