How much of it is BPD and how much of it is is Dementia?

[Seraffa]

Mom's taunting me again today. I'm so mad  that Ive called my local Altz. hotline to try and see if there's a workbook that would help me separate the key things of what she says and when she says it into 2 columns: BPD and Dementia. I want to know what's being thrown at me. It's just too painful to keep staying around here without the resources to educate myself properly.

[Clearmind]

My grandmother has slight dementia however she is not BPD. She can get frustrated, forgetful and upset.

On the other hand my BPD father’s behavior is way more extreme.

Are you living in the same house as her? Can you explain what you mean about taunting?

[Seraffa]

Yes, I've lived with her going on 2 years now and have no rights to her medical disclosure or being Power of Attorney.

Every time she has fallen in her home (several times) and wound up in the hospital (twice) I made sure to revisit these issues and she has denied me caregivers rights. My Aunt has a few of these rights, but won't exercise them for fear of losing her friendship with my mom (that's so invalidating to me... . )

her Atty has the POA, but doesn't want to get involved speaking with her doctor ( very invalidating... . he has control over selling her house to anyone other then me, the heir apparent)

Her doctor won't speak to me about having her referred to a geriatric specialist for her needs; he's nothing but a heart doctor, and she simply lives for his bedside manner (he reminds her of an old lover she couldn't marry after she got hitched to my alcoholic dad.)

So this is part of the reason she thinks she can act the way she does towards me, and I made a list of her triggers and responses:

MOM GETS ABUSIVE WHEN:

She makes home improvements (stuff having to do with the fact she has more money than me)

We talk about housework

We talk about personal hygiene

We talk about mental health

WHEN SHE GETS ABUSIVE SHE:

Begins my taunting or name calling

Can't stop herself until she has the last word (even after I leave the room)

Doesn't remember what I just said 2 sentences earlier

Tries several hate tactics in a row the more logical and realistic I become

Tries to solve the problem by denying me (peace and quiet, use of the car, emotional support) to make me move away.


I have had mental health issues in the past and don't even have to use medicine anymore now for many years, and despite my encouragement to her when I first arrived, she won't use me as an example of anything positive whatsoever anymore.

I live here because I want to enjoy the beauty of my 100 year old childhood home before it gets sold to some greedy property developer. There's a slim chance I can buy it from her, since I am finishing real estate school, and she's not going to GIVE the house to me because it's supposed to pay for her attorney fees and medical bills, since she won't consider doing a debt settlement program to reduce her medical bills while she is still alive.

I'm so ashamed of my mom. All her life she's convinced herself she's worthless, will take pills but no personal therapy, doesn't like her affluent neighbors who are driving up property values in our humble neighborhood, yet won't act like family towards me to keep our home in the family, and to preserve our home's historical existence. (it can still be torn down just for its land value,because of lack of changing preservation laws.)

She won't even go to church anymore. To me, she's nothing but a big ZERO.

Currently  I have 3 girlfriends who live in bad neighborhoods that I don't want to move in with, and for the past 10 years I've lived in a string of women's shelters in a futile attempt to gain custody of my kids.  I work full time at home as a telecommuter, and am just not ready to move out yet.

To be honest if mom dropped dead in her tracks today, I wouldn't feel that bad about it. I'm done with feeling bad or pitying her.

[Seraffa]

--- by taunting, I mean she gets an ugly look, or a very evil grin on her face and starts with "you're just trying to hit______"  or "you think you _________, don't you?" or, like yesterday when I didn't give her the answer she wanted to hear, "You've got a lot of gall ! (blah blah blah blah)

She won't lift a finger to do housework, and was living in an inch of dust, old bird poop (she used to keep a parrot) and other flotsam and jetsam when I first arrived, so she's lost the ability to do things like many dementia or altz people do as brain changes progress.

I really don't care about anything else in her will, money, etc, and sometimes I daydream about me saying to her: "wow - ok, so you're ordering me to move out?  don't be expecting me to be coming in to look in on you , then. So, next time you fall down and can't even make it over to your bed to the phone, what's going to happen is you're going to lay here and suffer and die because no-one else is coming over. Have a good life, you (expletive)"

[Clearmind]

I can understand you are upset Seraffa - trust me I know how frustrating a Borderline parent can be.

Processing our anger and upset is certainly something we can work on. Goodness knows I got angry.

Anger can cloud our thinking. Sometimes when I felt rejected/depleted I would do battle with my father just to win - something - to feel in control.

Getting back to the facts: Is there a reason why the yard person has to come while you are home? Right now you are both in conflict - the cycle is going around and around - to stop it - one of you needs to step aside. Given she is old and not well - that person may need to be you.

[Seraffa]

I don't think he has to come while I am working at home. I have a break in the afternoon that my second employer created - by a fluke - that just started today. So I believe this will be in effect for the next 3 weeks. The 4th week I have something of a rotating shift. It has not been worked up yet.

I know the yard men can't come by on Sundays. They come by on Mondays, and only bi-weekly.

Both employers insist on absolute quiet in the background to make your home sound like you are in a professional office, but honestly, I know real offices that are right in residential neighborhoods where family dogs bark and people mow their lawns too. It's just that my mother actually made me LOSE a telecommuting job in november when she got in the way of the phone repairman coming into the house, lied to my boss when he called her to let the phone man in, then started that evil business with me all over again late at night with hate in her eyes, refusing to take responsibility for having impacted me financially, but not willing to give me any money as compensation for what had happened. Not only was I furious, but I was scared out of my mind that her loss of control would actually want to make her do harm to me financially.

It's her that insists on doing the scheduling. She has hid their phone number so far as I can tell.

[Clearmind]

I don't think he has to come while I am working at home. I have a break in the afternoon that my second employer created - by a fluke - that just started today. So I believe this will be in effect for the next 3 weeks. The 4th week I have something of a rotating shift. It has not been worked up yet.

Good - some solutions

OK - Mom is controlling! Where could this stem from? We can understand that Mom is maybe wanting to make some decisions of her own because she doesn't feel like she is in control - True?

You also have a need that the house is quite. Without things getting to a stage of conflict can you negotiate when the yard man comes with Mom - using S.E.T?

S:  "Mom, I know you may not understand or agree with me, but I really do care for you, and want us to get along better."

E:  "It really must be frustrating for you when you feel that I'm not understanding you, even though I'm really trying."

T:  "Mom, it's probably really hard when the yard people come during the day while I am working at home - due to the noise. Here's what I thought we could do - we can both make a list of what needs to be done and I can ensure its scheduled at a time that suits us both. How does that sound?"

Thoughts?

Mom and you need to negotiate an outcome - right now you are both pushing your points and no one is listening - I mean that with all due respect .

More on SET

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

You spend a lot of time around Mom Seraffa - please ensure you also look after you - if you don't extract yourself on the occasion resentment builds.

[Seraffa]

It sounds like an appropriate start with SET. I have copied and pasted all the training stuff here for various techniques and cannot get to all of it yet. With 3 weeks of training and study in front of me already for my second job, and a neglected real estate course, I'm willing to try some pieces of SET to see what her reactions are, and note down the outcome.

I would feel really frustrated if I learnt all of SET and the other techniques, and proceeded without getting a sense of what she acts like after she is defused.

Usually when she is defused, though, she will wander to some spontaneous question that pops into her mind, and expect me to answer it. Like, "Oh - hey, do you remember_____hit" what did you mean by that yesterday (just some tiny point that didn't have any bearing whatsoever during the tooth-and-nail fight. )

She must think I'm "fixed" at that point so that nothing will be wrong with me. In fact, it is VERY wearing to concentrate on replying to these tiny things, because she is the only one backtracking to remember them.

She only concentrates on details of GOOD things she did in the past, and then brings them up to me in an effort to correct my view of her.

I guess anyone would, if you didn't know you had severe problems that eclipse a lot of your good points.