I hate that I want her back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know that I was never equipped to take on her disorder. She was an alcoholic who just had recently started AA before she left, and then out of nowhere became a super Christian and decided we were no longer compatible. She brought out many traits in me I did not know were there- anger, codependency/extreme controlling, and slight emotional abuse I think at the end. It's been 5 weeks since she left me and 2.5 weeks NC, as she put 100% blame on me, said I dashed her to pieces, there was no hope, I'm hurting her by trying to reason with her, etc. I know deep down that with the way she is mirroring her religious sponsor and newfound church group, she had written me off. This is further complicated by the fact I'm moving to the other side of the country in less than 3 months. We were engaged, and she was supposed to move with me originally. But, I can't let it go completely. I still would take her back, and the truth is that I wish every day she would show up at my door at the house we'd recently lived in together. I'm going to therapy, working through my issues, working out, going to yoga, visiting dear friends, etc. I don't know what else to do.

[mtmc01]

I know that I was never equipped to take on her disorder. She was an alcoholic who just had recently started AA before she left, and then out of nowhere became a super Christian and decided we were no longer compatible. She brought out many traits in me I did not know were there- anger, codependency/extreme controlling, and slight emotional abuse I think at the end. It's been 5 weeks since she left me and 2.5 weeks NC, as she put 100% blame on me, said I dashed her to pieces, there was no hope, I'm hurting her by trying to reason with her, etc. I know deep down that with the way she is mirroring her religious sponsor and newfound church group, she had written me off. This is further complicated by the fact I'm moving to the other side of the country in less than 3 months. We were engaged, and she was supposed to move with me originally. But, I can't let it go completely. I still would take her back, and the truth is that I wish every day she would show up at my door at the house we'd recently lived in together. I'm going to therapy, working through my issues, working out, going to yoga, visiting dear friends, etc. I don't know what else to do.

[sunrising]

I wish every day she would show up at my door at the house we'd recently lived in together.

I know how you feel.  I can rationalize all day long that the relationship was unhealthy, yet I still long for her at times.  Have you read up on "trauma bonding"?  Trauma bonding and "intermittent reinforcement" really made sense to me.  I have come to recognize that I am codependent, in that I need approval from others to feel good about myself.  I had noticed this before in my inability to handle rejection well in a romantic relationship, but never was it as intense as with my exwBPD.  I now believe this was because of the intermittent reinforcement she gave me-  After all the "bad times", she'd eventually wind up saying things like, "I never want to lose you", "You are the greatest love there is", "I want US forever", etc.  That was the intermittent reinforcement and my drug. I'd always come back for more, longing for those words.  

I now realize that me wanting her to come back has very little to do with actual admiration for her, much less the relationship we had, and much more to do with me needing to be validated by her wanting me.  I'm not saying I understand your situation or that it's the same as mine, but ask yourself: Do you want that type of relationship again?  

I'm going to therapy, working through my issues, working out, going to yoga, visiting dear friends, etc. I don't know what else to do.

You are doing exactly the right things.  These types of things + TIME = Recovery and a clearer mind. 

[Surnia]

Mtmc

Yes, you do exactly the right things, with T, yoga, friends... .

Give yourself some more time. Dont beat yourself when you have moments of missing her.

healing needs time. 

[squashed.human]

i don't know to envy you or envy my self , she left practically and technically . My BPD left me practically but still with me. We're in horrible silence for overa year , not even a word of intimacy or any romantic remark. Dead and kept in the fridge to last longer , that how i feel my love represent to her. And so I'm hanging by thread, will she get closer or will she/me decide to break. Some times it's harder when you have a choice

[charred]

I am with you guys on trying to get over the r/s with the pwBPD.

Wish I had an elegant solution/great understanding of what that takes.

My gut reaction to it... since the loss is like losing a parent, the solution is going to be along the same lines... meaning the stages of grief, time, and eventual acceptance.

Seems like the first priority is dealing with the immediate devastation... . was my priority... then when I was past being dangerously upset, moved on to trying to understand what had happened... in my case... my exBPDgf had told me she was diagnosed BPD... and I didn't know what it was at the time, the name made me think "nearly" disordered, like a borderline diabetic... is almost diabetic... real close.

However she wasn't a tad bit disordered, she was very BPD. Reading and learning about it helped understand why she dumped me the first time years ago, why we didn't stay together happily, but recycled 7 times, and why she did things like circular arguments, gaslighting me and painting me black. 2010's posts helped me to understand the Karpman drama triangle and how we were relating dysfunctionaly.

But I couldn't do anything about it at that point, I didn't see a way to make it work, and I thought of my self as "non"... non the problem. My exBPDgf had said I had issues and projected a lot of hers on to me, but when she was really mad, I found she often resorted to telling the truth as it would sting more than her lies, and she once told me that I didn't love her, I had an attachment problem. So I bought some books on attachment theory and read up and was shocked at how spot on she was. My NPD dad and cold/distant mom didn't add up to good attachment, instead I matched the fearful/avoidant attachment type, which is the most problem ridden type. I found a book called "The General Theory of Love" as it was based on attachment theory and new brain science... and it said that we search out people that match our early experiences of love... as demonstrated by our parents... so intense conflict, drama... . of course I was drawn to my pwBPD.

Moving on and addressing the issues is what I am working on now, I ordered a book called "Reinventing Your Life"  which is based on schema therapy and schema therapy is based on attachment theory... so it is pretty directed toward the issues I learned I have. Taking a schema therapy test was so eye opening... there are links info on this site, I took it and was shocked... it was dead on, with the compensating, irritating, negative things I do that are not healthy happy adult coping things... so maybe I am on the right track for me. I have a T, and he introduced me to mindfulness which helped my anxiety and ruminating a great deal.

I don't envy a therapist trying to help someone who has been in a r/s with a pwBPD... it isn't obvious what the problem is... if you had never been in an r/s with a pwBPD, you would have a hard time believing that it is more intense and different than a typical troubled r/s. T's in general don't like dealing with pwBPD as they relate to them just like they do to us... so finding a therapist well equipped to deal with the aftermath can be tough. (My T dated a BPD girl and clearly understood/sympathized... he started out saying we may need to work on PTSD.)

I could see a T listening to someone that had been dumped by a pwBPD and concluding... . what a wimp, get over it, breakups happen, man up. Suggesting you go hit the clubs and move on, and so forth... because the normal attachment you have to a person you date can be strong, but it isn't usually devastating when you break up... . if you are a normal person and they are. However the same T wouldn't have a callous "don't be a wimp" and "man up" response to someone being devastated at the loss of their mother... they would understand that it is a big thing and a lot of grief and healing is needed, and depression and lack of motivation are common.

Maybe the T should see the post. 

[Hurt llama]

Thank you for another great post.

It's just so strange for me to 'know' all that was and is going on and still be wrapped on... . and I am the 'winner'... . I was the one in control and I am the one who dumper her crazy self 3 years ago!

yet we maintain connection and she lured me back a year ago and um... forgot I guess there was a used condom in the trash for me to see (PTSD right there... . ugh)

I feel that at some points I wanted to kill her (not literally but destroy her memory) bury her, bring her back and kill her again. over over and over.

and ... . I suspect that's not healthy?

As I go out now to dinner... . the idea that she might be dating or seeing her bf' makes me upset yet even today I told her I cannot be in an exclusive committed relationship because she is clearly not safe for me...

As I read things on the forum... I send her stuff here and there... . as if she can read it or take it in... she clearly cant and says over and over... "I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY. YOU DON'T KNOW ME'.

I do see the humor in the ridiculousness of all this and really need to find a therapist who gets exactly what i am dealing with and not to tear into myself anymore to figure out my part of the equation. I got it already... over over and over...

Jeez... I need a drink!

[charred]

Being the dumper is easier to take than being the dumpee... have been both with my pwBPD. This last time was almost funny, we had been apart, I had ended it as she was being absurdly unreasonable (wanted me to trash my exwife and inflict severe discipline on my daughter... I chose to end it silently, when she did a no show for us being together, then was unreachable, so I did NC myself.)

So a few weeks pass and she has a new guy on FB, I ignore it, then I get a text and a phone message that she has to talk to me ... . " good news." I ignore it... she leaves a message that the test came back and she doesn't have Herpes and her new guy is so excited... (by now 2 months had passed)... so I sent her a note that she had nerve... to not show when we were supposed to be moving in, to avoid my calls and then her next communication is to tell me she is going to sleep with another guy... . real class... . and I asked for no more communication.

So she plays up how wonderful this guy is on FB... and then suddenly, his pictures are gone and she is going to be having "a procedure." Then after all her supportive friends chime in... it is a procedure due to the guy she just broke up with.

I was intrigued... went for the bait, and contacted her... skeptically asking how she was, ... . and she wanted to see me... needed to be in person over dinner... so I agreed, then when I drove instead of going to the nice place we went on dates... which is in the parking lot of a mall, I took us in the mall... . to the food court. (Killed any romantic notions she had.)

I told her I felt bad that I hadn't given her "closure", and was willing to explain why we were done, as she seemed to want to know why... and then I told her my take on us, described her BPD actions (but didn't call it BPD)... and then asked why she broke off with her perfect guy... and she told me that he had given her an STD (hpv/warts)... and she would have to have them lasered and it was going to cost her and hurt. She wanted me to be supportive of her and talk as friends online... I said okay, and cut the evening short (which floored her.)

So online we chatted and she started getting mad that I was being supportive but wouldn't see her again and didn't appear to want to.

Then she said that she wasn't going to "just be friends" and "be supportive of your needs while getting nothing out of it" and that anyone that would do that was a fool. So I told her I agreed and that I was done being supportive of someone that had cheated on me, while they recuperated from an STD from the other guy... . so good luck.

And that was the end of it... just as weird as the rest of the r/s, and just as ridiculous.

I don't want her back... I want the ideal dream person I convinced myself she was back... but the vicious, lying, two timing, vitriolic real her... . no thank you. She is just like Jodi Arias... and realizing that... makes me glad its over.