Easter Sunday visitaion / vacation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After five months, uNPD/BPD x2b is on OFW.  Easter Sunday, court order, s14 and d12 are with me. It happens to be my weekend too. He posts for Easter Sunday as an "event for kids" at his family's house for the day. I do not have family here so my diiner is here at my house for the first time. It will be just myself and kids ( I am of another religon but follow through with bringing up the kids in their religon as h does nothing). H is very controling/ sabatoging/coersive/ manipulative etc . If I say no kids are with me as order says, he will play the guilt trip on them for not being with him and his family.  He will make me out as the badguy in kids eyes. What do I do? I don't know.

He also posted two events in the summer which happen to be on my weekends. No problem kids can go as they are ex in law events. I need the kids for an event with my famil and its out of state. I replied back that that would be a good swap. H replied back to that saying that I am taking two consecutive weeks for it (not!) And he is going to do the same. I don't know where or how that came into play . He twisted something so simple. I called atty but not have heard back.  I m not sure how but like atty to see this on OFW.

[whirlpoollife]

After five months, uNPD/BPD x2b is on OFW.  Easter Sunday, court order, s14 and d12 are with me. It happens to be my weekend too. He posts for Easter Sunday as an "event for kids" at his family's house for the day. I do not have family here so my diiner is here at my house for the first time. It will be just myself and kids ( I am of another religon but follow through with bringing up the kids in their religon as h does nothing). H is very controling/ sabatoging/coersive/ manipulative etc . If I say no kids are with me as order says, he will play the guilt trip on them for not being with him and his family.  He will make me out as the badguy in kids eyes. What do I do? I don't know.

He also posted two events in the summer which happen to be on my weekends. No problem kids can go as they are ex in law events. I need the kids for an event with my famil and its out of state. I replied back that that would be a good swap. H replied back to that saying that I am taking two consecutive weeks for it (not!) And he is going to do the same. I don't know where or how that came into play . He twisted something so simple. I called atty but not have heard back.  I m not sure how but like atty to see this on OFW.

[ForeverDad]

Your weekend and also your holiday time?  Then you proceed with your plans.  You may have to make your own entry into OFW so your position (concurring with the order's schedule) is stated.

Holidays and major events such as the children's birthdays are often trigger times.  Courts address that by setting up schedules.  Most courts seem to favor (1) alternate the holidays as the year unfolds and (2) alternate the order each year.

What that alternating means, for example, is that you got MLK Day in January, ex got Presidents Day in February, you get Easter, ex will get Memorial Day, you will get Independence Day, etc.  Then next year it flips and thus next year he can get MLK Day, Easter, Independence Day, etc, and you similarly get the ones he had the year before.

What I'm saying is that you simply state the facts - as briefly and factually as possible - the holiday schedule says I have the children this weekend for the specified Holiday period.  I will be handling those arrangements.  The court schedule says we alternate each year and so you get that holiday next year.

Expect your ex to see nothing wrong with ex's plans and everything wrong with yours.  That distortion is so predictable.  You need to get any trades or agreements in writing or somehow documented (in OFW?)  In the early years of my separated parenting, I found that I couldn't trust my ex to honor any agreements if ex got what she wanted first.  I had to keep reminding myself that for any trades I had to get my traded time first or else I risked not getting my traded time.

[livednlearned]

It's unfortunate, but your L probably will do nothing. Maybe write an email, but that's it.

What happens is that your stbx will do many things that aren't in the order, or that contradict the order, and you will file a motion for contempt of court if it's bad enough. Nothing will happen to fix the immediately situation, of course. Instead, it will take a long time to accumulate enough motions for contempt of court that the judge will notice someone is being difficult. That difficult person will be your ex unless he files just as many bogus motions for contempt of court against you. Then you pay more money to show the judge that one of you is filing bogus motions.

Sorry. I'm feeling low today and cynical about all this.

My boundaries with N/BPDxh are such that if something is happening during S11's time with him, I don't ask him for any favors. Not unless it is S11 asking for something that he specifically wants, like a school trip.

I don't negotiate, trade, barter, beg, plead, complain, swap, or anything anymore. I treat the custody order like it is written in stone.

[whirlpoollife]

FD and lnl your experienced is helpful. FD I will use that wording to post on OFW. L did call back. He said to follow court order. I do not have to do what h wants and says. summer weeks  I choose my two non consecutive weeks. He said I don't need h's permission! and it does not matter when, even if its on his time. I do not have to make up or trade for it either. I'm not use to having this much 'control'. It takes practice. I know to expect that will choose his week on my time just to get even.  

h knows the triggers and it wears me down immensely still.

L said he  is not familiar with OFW. I find that hard to believe. It was in a court order but came about from previous L. so he does not go on it to read anything. I can print out what I post and what h posts. I had to read it twice to L because he couldn't comprehend h's twisted wording. Other news is the support hearing got postponed again. H did not have certain papers ready. Filed for divorce ten months ago, filed for support five months ago. the business end L is doing a better job than previous L though.

Fd when I read your posts along time ago stating that your divorce took two years, I didn't think that would happen. But it is. There is not an equitable distribution hearing in sight yet.

 to LnL for reply even with feeling low. I know I cant put things in to words when I am

[AnotherPhoenix]

What I'm saying is that you simply state the facts - as briefly and factually as possible - the holiday schedule says I have the children this weekend for the specified Holiday period.  I will be handling those arrangements.  The court schedule says we alternate each year and so you get that holiday next year.

You need to get any trades or agreements in writing or somehow documented (in OFW?)  In the early years of my separated parenting, I found that I couldn't trust my ex to honor any agreements if ex got what she wanted first.  I had to keep reminding myself that for any trades I had to get my traded time first or else I risked not getting my traded time.

This is what works for me. My BPDex forgets/misremembers many things that happen in the past, and it is amazing how uneven her proposed "even" swaps are.  A recent example: last week, she proposed a new rule: anyone having a midweek visit that occurs between 4:30 and 7:30 must feed S8 (I never agreed to the rule, but she was insistent that the rule was the best way to handle things). This week, she wants to take S8 to his choir practice for her midweek visit from 5:20 to 7:30, and when I asked her about feeding him supper, guess what? You guessed it--she wasn't planning on feeding him  . She even has an extra 25 minutes with him before she needs to take him to practice. I replied with no, this didn't work for me, or S8. Then I pasted her email from last week into my reply. I get an email later saying that it was ok, she could feed him, and that she had forgotten what times she was going to have him.  .

It's unfortunate, but your L probably will do nothing. Maybe write an email, but that's it.

Yep.

My boundaries with N/BPDxh are such that if something is happening during S11's time with him, I don't ask him for any favors. Not unless it is S11 asking for something that he specifically wants, like a school trip.

I don't negotiate, trade, barter, beg, plead, complain, swap, or anything anymore. I treat the custody order like it is written in stone.

This is also what I do with my BPD ex.

L did call back. He said to follow court order. I do not have to do what h wants and says. summer weeks  I choose my two non consecutive weeks. He said I don't need h's permission! and it does not matter when, even if its on his time.

Congrats!

It takes practice. I know to expect that will choose his week on my time just to get even. 

h knows the triggers and it wears me down immensely still.

Yes, yes, and hang in there. It will get easier and better.

I had to read it twice to L because he couldn't comprehend h's twisted wording.

  I had the same experience with my old L. I think the L's read them with a logical mindset, not understand the kind of arguments that BPDs produce.

Congrats again!

AnotherPheonix    

[ForeverDad]

Other news is the support hearing got postponed again. H did not have certain papers ready. Filed for divorce ten months ago, filed for support five months ago. the business end L is doing a better job than previous L though.

FD when I read your posts along time ago stating that your divorce took two years, I didn't think that would happen. But it is. There is not an equitable distribution hearing in sight yet.

Try to get support made retroactive, make sure your lawyer keeps asking for that, though of course the decision is up to the judge's "discretion".  If support is declared retroactive then the delays H causes may only have short term consequences.

Do you have any documentation of H's income?  Bring that with you next time.  Perhaps you can get the court to accept your information sources until ex relents and produces his records.  If you don't have access to past tax submissions, you can file with IRS for printouts of their records, though it is a bit expensive and will take time.  Be aware any reply may be mailed to the address on record for those years?

To my knowledge, my ex has never even once provided her income to the court, yet I have done so every time it was requested.  During the divorce she got child support only but she did file taxes jointly with me in order to get a large chunk of my overpaid withholding refund.  So her producing proof of income wasn't an issue then.  That ended after the final decree 2 years later.  Then began 3 years of alimony.  When that ended I got custody but she kept the post-decree equal time and she was again imputed, lacking submitted proof of income, with the exact equivalent of minimum wage so she could get child support again.

[whirlpoollife]

Your replies got me through the weekend. ( to be expected from pwPD and it will get easier )

Court order was on my side but I was still fearful of H , fleas. He called the kids many times thru out the day. Part of poison as for kids might be with me but they better not forget him.

No trades or time for him on my time and vice versa. But I said ok to two inlaw parties that fall on my weekends. Because I have been with them longer than  my own family and its kids cousins. (in laws have out casted me entirely) and I don't have a backbone to say no.

H set the pick up and drop off times. I asked what time are the actual wedding ceremonies (because it looks like he is adding some extra time to have kids) .  His reply " I believe  I already stated the times"  I replied back asking again actual wedding ceremony times in the church. No answer yet. Do I just let that go?  Is it worth the fight? He thinks I don't  see his evasive answers.

Support is retroactive.   I got past returns$. L said they only look at past six months for income. Last six months he racked up business expenses. (I saw it in his interrogatories. ) so his net income will be less. Does the last six months of his income affect support that is retroactive six months?   Also I work part time, not full time. What effect does that have on support ? H has manipulated so much money from my family and from me , feels entitlement big time  to my inheritance  that I don't mind (with guilt still ) to make him hurt financially.

[livednlearned]

Your replies got me through the weekend. ( to be expected from pwPD and it will get easier )

Court order was on my side but I was still fearful of H , fleas. He called the kids many times thru out the day. Part of poison as for kids might be with me but they better not forget him.

No trades or time for him on my time and vice versa. But I said ok to two inlaw parties that fall on my weekends. Because I have been with them longer than  my own family and its kids cousins. (in laws have out casted me entirely) and I don't have a backbone to say no.

H set the pick up and drop off times. I asked what time are the actual wedding ceremonies (because it looks like he is adding some extra time to have kids) .  His reply " I believe  I already stated the times"  I replied back asking again actual wedding ceremony times in the church. No answer yet. Do I just let that go?  Is it worth the fight? He thinks I don't  see his evasive answers.

Is the information important to you? Is it a reasonable request so that you can coordinate your schedule and your kids' schedule? If so, then yes, follow up. It isn't a fight to want a reasonable response. He is fighting, you are being reasonable. You are the stable parent who wants information that is reasonable to request. Being reasonable in email is also how you can establish a pattern. You ask him a reasonable request, and he stonewalls, insults, rages, ignores, blocks, evades. I had two 3-inch 3 ring binders filled with emails like that. My L brought them into the deposition with me and N/BPDx's L told her he saw them and knew he was in trouble.

Whenever you email him, try to get in the habit of setting very specific parameters. I totally understand the evasive answer issue. My ex was a master at it too. An example email might go something like: "Please let me know the time the wedding ceremonies take place by day/date so I can coordinate schedules. Please notify me by day/date so I do not have to cancel plans for the kids to attend the wedding." 

Calling the kids during their time with you is not generally encouraged, especially in high-conflict cases. That can be double-edged sword, but in general, he should let them have some peace while they are with you.

[whirlpoollife]

LnL thanks to you from another post , to me or someone else, I got my papers organized in binders. One for each dept, equitable distribution, support, custody, and now one for phone calls. I print them out and highlight his. I have calendars with visitaion times and actual pick up/drop off times. I do hand wriiten journels too.  The smear camapign continues on, keeping D from friends by saying she slept in etc. Its tiresome but it definately shows the pattern.

I will email again asking where and when weddings are. He is trying for extra hours with kids on my time. Setting a time limit for a reply is needed. 

All adivice is appreciated