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Author Topic: uBPD ex. your own extreme reactions ?  (Read 833 times)
dkman

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« on: March 27, 2013, 08:37:07 AM »

Hi Forum.

Ive recently put up my history, in the section for new members. Now i have some specific questions for some things, that happened down the road, which i can't seem to find an answer for.

I was in a rela. Where ironically enough, i was the one starting in therapy - when the devaluation pushed in from my ex. It was my fears of abandonment, and myself, who needed to take a close look at my childhood / youth. Nevertheless, in this process, i let my girlfreind in - at that time, i didn't know her very well - but it seemed as a all or nothing decision - Trust or dont trust. I did. And everything seemed like it went ok. Until she pushed me out, took more and more distance. Tried to change my way of thinking. And in the end, lining another person up. This cycle repeated around 4 times in the one year relationship.

She had been in NLP coaching before, and i was listnening to her, as she appeared to have insight.


Well, now to my question. I have never experienced such an intense relationship filled with so much complex problems, distancing, events of hysteria, Pulling-back, manipulation, Victimization ect. But i was a part of the play myself - the perfect rescuer, and maybe, i needed to be recued myself in some points.

I oftent got the blame, confronted with my reactions of resestment, when she crossed my boundaries. At the end, i had no boundaries - She left me everytime, and as i was in a process of looking at my own patterns, my own life - It was easy to take the blame, and dig some further into the roots of myself.

Ive reacted in ways that i can't recall to EVER have been reacting. Ive been angry, raging - Passive agressive, Felt hate, felt desire/lust in an overwhelming way because you are so powerless.

Have anyone ever felt going to the edge, where feel you don't yourself anymore. And have any of you been with a uBPD - with yourself in therapy - and first saw the big picture, of her reactions when it finaly came to an end.

Im exhausted. but finally starting to fill in the missing parts  in the puzzle. But even if i could put the blame on her - i have a responsibility myself.
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Mightyhammers
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« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2013, 08:43:02 AM »

Towards the end of the relationship I was contemplating cutting my life short, even to the extent that I was trawling the internet for the most painless way of doing it, but Im passed that point now
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recoil
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« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2013, 08:49:23 AM »

I found myself feeling abandonment and pushing her away every time she would push me away.  I definitely became passive aggressive because I couldn't talk to her about my feelings (she would push me away and cry a river).  Normally I am a good communicator and wouldn't take an "all or nothing" approach but I became tired of the constant to/fro motion.

She would push, I would run.  She would pull, I would come back.  This last time though, she pushed for an official 'timeout', I ran hard with a 'breakup' and I haven't been back since - and I'm never going back to that nonsense.

It wasn't healthy.
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rogerroger
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« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2013, 08:56:39 AM »

Ive reacted in ways that i can't recall to EVER have been reacting. Ive been angry, raging - Passive agressive, Felt hate, felt desire/lust in an overwhelming way because you are so powerless.

This is because you first tried all the normal and more appropriate responses and none of them worked. So, you start trying more extreme responses and letting go of the control you previously had over your emotions and reactions. At the root of it was probably a conviction that you had to do something -- that it was up to you to change your partner's mood or behavior, and so you had to keep trying in order to find the magic combination.

Looking back, I now see that I should have detached much earlier in the process. My role should never have been to take responsibility for managing my wife's feelings. Unfortunately, by the time most of us realize we are in a relationship with a disordered personality, we've gone quite a long way down the self-destructive road of trying to adapt ourselves to their disorder.
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dkman

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« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2013, 09:00:28 AM »

Sounds very familia recoil.

I was holding my frustrations and feelings to myself - but when i suddenly reacted, because i couldent bare the pushing, lack of intimacy ect. it was me who started the conflict. It normally ended in a discussion where i had no chance of talking things through - I normally consider myself as a good comunicator. i remember the words "i can't understand the problem, because there is no problem" pushing the whole situation over on my shoulders. And i gave in, took the guilt - digged in my soul, to find out why my reactions where that odd.

Eventually. everytime this happened... she broke up. 3 weeks later, she where there again...
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expos
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« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2013, 09:03:59 AM »

you are not alone DKMAN

I kept my emotions in check for most of my marriage... . it was how I had to deal with my wife and how to keep our marriage intact.  At two particular points in our relationship, I snapped and unloaded the most rage-filled, intense, verbal beat downs i have ever given anybody in my entire life.  I was literally screaming as hard as I could and blew out my vocal chords.

The first one occurred in our first year of marriage when she basically insulted me for two days straight, and then told me we were not going to see my family for the holidays.  

The last one was our last night as a married couple.  She picked a fight with me, I didn't want to get involved.  She started insulting me again.  I kept quiet and told her to go to bed and we will discuss it tomorrow.  Then she said a few choice words and it just poured out of me.  I had simply had enough of her lousy, disrespectful attitude and I reduced her to absolute rubble.  It was immensely satisfying to verbally pummel her and give back all the bulls***, but I did regret doing it later.  

I vow to never rage like that again.  I will simply get in my car and drive away if I ever have to deal with someone's emotions as poor as hers again.  

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dkman

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« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2013, 09:07:58 AM »

Ive reacted in ways that i can't recall to EVER have been reacting. Ive been angry, raging - Passive agressive, Felt hate, felt desire/lust in an overwhelming way because you are so powerless.

This is because you first tried all the normal and more appropriate responses and none of them worked. So, you start trying more extreme responses and letting go of the control you previously had over your emotions and reactions. At the root of it was probably a conviction that you had to do something -- that it was up to you to change your partner's mood or behavior, and so you had to keep trying in order to find the magic combination.

Indeed a reflection i havent yet concidered... the self-doubt, makes it very hard to acutally heal from this one. I know, that i haven't behaved like this in a relationship, EVER. Yes i indeed have my issues, that i need to work on now to heal, and not go in the same spiral again - but when looking through the BPD traits, i can sometimes see myself as the BPD, because of theese extreme feelings i got under the way. Never the less. i was a part of the game.
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dkman

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« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2013, 09:15:51 AM »

you are not alone DKMAN

I kept my emotions in check for most of my marriage... . it was how I had to deal with my wife and how to keep our marriage intact.  At two particular points in our relationship, I snapped and unloaded the most rage-filled, intense, verbal beat downs i have ever given anybody in my entire life.  I was literally screaming as hard as I could and blew out my vocal chords. 

I vow to never rage like that again.  I will simply get in my car and drive away if I ever have to deal with someone's emotions as poor as hers again.  

Im glad !.

it's very frigthening to see our own shadows - to see and feel theese deep unbareable emotions. And after breaking out - Guilt and shame is there. Breaking you down, eventually hurting our self-esteem further. I was so deepy sucked into this drama, in fact obsession could be the right word. I had no energy what so ever to look around and determine if this was healty or not. Freinds was shaking their heads, and i kept defending her.

This anger built up through the periods of trying to save / communicate in the relationship up to an break up.  The worst part is, that anger, Rage ect. typically broke out after a breakup, and when i saw her in the city-nightlife. I made such a fool of myself... not beeing able to control myself as i normally would.

But well. it probable isn't doing anything good to be so hard on yourself.
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WillyD

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« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2013, 10:06:09 AM »

my experience was remarkably similar dkman.

I "discovered" that BPD was the (likely) root of our problems when I finally went to see a therapist after a 3-year roller coaster ride r/s. It went a long way to explaining what I had endured and how it was possible I could ever behave the way I did in a r/s. I had never met a person like her who was so compelling and yet impossible to get along with for any length of time. I behaved all the ways you described out of sheer frustration that I couldn't get this person I loved so much to love and accept me with any continuity.

I discovered the BPD issue nearly 5 months ago, did lots of research and some therapy myself, and I see everything completely differently now. We're estranged but still have limited contact and when she goes off on me I don't take it personally anymore. Well at least not after I've had a bit of time to process. I still love her but can accept we will never be a healthy, loving couple. I'll help her from time to time if she needs it because I care for her.
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WillyD

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« Reply #9 on: March 27, 2013, 10:10:33 AM »

... . these types of r/s teach us a lot about our own insecurities and personality traits... . it's an incredibly valuable, albeit painful, lesson to learn.
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DragoN
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« Reply #10 on: March 27, 2013, 10:42:29 AM »

Excerpt
... . these types of r/s teach us a lot about our own insecurities and personality traits... . it's an incredibly valuable, albeit painful, lesson to learn.

The silver lining so to speak. Not a complete waste of time in that respect, but was it necessary?
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WillyD

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« Reply #11 on: March 27, 2013, 11:15:31 AM »

The silver lining so to speak. Not a complete waste of time in that respect, but was it necessary?

My answer is "no". Most emotionally stable/healthy people would not last very long in these types of r/s. They would terminate them permanently after a few episodes. Either there is a systemic (long term) problem, or a situational (short term) problem with those of us that stay in these r/s for extended lengths of time.

The exception to this would be where you had children or got married very early in the r/s before problems were apparent, or perhaps the pwBPD developed it several years into the r/s. It's totally understandable that in those situations a person would try to make things work.
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rogerroger
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« Reply #12 on: March 27, 2013, 01:09:41 PM »

I have learned all sorts of things about myself, and about human psychology that I would never have learned otherwise. But I have to say I really wish I had never had to learn these things. I tend to think under better circumstances I would have learned different things that were equally valuable but didn't come at so high a price.
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dkman

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« Reply #13 on: March 27, 2013, 02:03:19 PM »

my experience was remarkably similar dkman.

I "discovered" that BPD was the (likely) root of our problems when I finally went to see a therapist after a 3-year roller coaster ride r/s. It went a long way to explaining what I had endured and how it was possible I could ever behave the way I did in a r/s. I had never met a person like her who was so compelling and yet impossible to get along with for any length of time. I behaved all the ways you described out of sheer frustration that I couldn't get this person I loved so much to love and accept me with any continuity.

I discovered the BPD issue nearly 5 months ago, did lots of research and some therapy myself, and I see everything completely differently now. We're estranged but still have limited contact and when she goes off on me I don't take it personally anymore. Well at least not after I've had a bit of time to process. I still love her but can accept we will never be a healthy, loving couple. I'll help her from time to time if she needs it because I care for her.

Those words with acceptance for who we are - that was my own words after the breakup. She couldn't seem to find any place to "love" my shadows, Flaws - call it what you want. I call it personality. I did during therapy in the relationship work a lot with, being able to cope with all of her flaws, thrugh accepting those sides in myself. Taking things into my self in conflicts ect. I have NEVER used so much time to get a relationship to work, by looking at my own patterns. I sometimes wrote her a sms, letter ect. at special days - telling her, what positive things, i found in her "negative" sides. what i liked about her personality. I think it was awkward for her in the beginning, as she had those problems - And she where used to be complemented by her extremely beautiful looks.

In the end, so much work with my self - and even though you are powerless. All that work, to get dumped eventually. I acknowledge myself for my commitment and sacrifice. But i swear, i will never go down that road again, without any will to change from somebody else.

I will contintue in therapy - Probably from now, until my next relationship. Im afraid that i take in some ghosts from this one, and i will not let my future go down because of this experience.
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Wooddragon
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« Reply #14 on: March 27, 2013, 08:10:56 PM »

My most extreme reaction was internalised & it's only just now that I've realised how twisted my thinking was! My ex was still quite hung up on one of his exes - even though the relationship had ended 12 yrs previously & he had been in many relationships - 3 of them defacto "marriages" - since then. She lasted 9 yrs - 8 yrs longer than anyone since & I have realised now that a lot of her characteristics as described by him were typical of someone who is disordered (not projection either I don't think). Anyway he very much admired her "self control" & ability to be "organised" (he has ocd as well as BPD).

One way in which this wonderful self control manifested itself was that she had an eating disorder. One day I suggested that celebrating someone for being an anorexic was ridiculous & in any case it's not that hard to not eat. To prove the point I announced that I would lose 5kg (I wasn't that big to begin with) & would do it easily.

In fact I did do this but apparently not the right way. We had an insane conversation in a taxi where he told me that I shouldn't chew gum (appetite suppressant) & that proper anorexics just hold it in their mouths. So nothing I did was ever "right" even tho I was prepared to starve myself to prove the point. Extreme reaction or what?
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GreenMango
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« Reply #15 on: March 28, 2013, 01:16:40 AM »

Yep I went to place I never want to go again. Went there once and it was enough.  It was toxic and the anger I felt scared the crap out of me.

I learned a great lesson on when to quit.  And it ain't the same as failure.
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