secret childhood? double life?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm wondering how others on this board have told (or not told) others about their life with a BPD loved one. As I've made friends as an adult, I don't know what to say about my childhood or my current relationship with my uBPDm. I try to not say anything but eventually things come up in conversation. For instance, last year I was seriously ill and hospitalized. And, as friends visited me in the hospital, there was in inevitable question, "Where's your mom?" I also never know what to say about our holiday plans, or lack there of. As you all know, if you don't have experience with BPD, it's virtually impossible to explain. So, I'm left in a weird space where I don't really want to divulge any of the details of my childhood. Nor do I want to explain why she doesn't show up for important events. How do you explain it?

[AbbyNormal]

I'm wondering how others on this board have told (or not told) others about their life with a BPD loved one. As I've made friends as an adult, I don't know what to say about my childhood or my current relationship with my uBPDm. I try to not say anything but eventually things come up in conversation. For instance, last year I was seriously ill and hospitalized. And, as friends visited me in the hospital, there was in inevitable question, "Where's your mom?" I also never know what to say about our holiday plans, or lack there of. As you all know, if you don't have experience with BPD, it's virtually impossible to explain. So, I'm left in a weird space where I don't really want to divulge any of the details of my childhood. Nor do I want to explain why she doesn't show up for important events. How do you explain it?

[Kwamina]

Hi Abby,

I find it very difficult to talk about these things too. Before I knew about BPD I never told anyone about my uBPD mother and sister, but that's slowly changing now. My mother was and still is very controlling and always conditioned me to not talk about family matters to outsiders. Now I realize she only did this so nobody would know how she mistreated me so she could keep getting away with it. She knew that once others knew about it, they’d try to help me and this would empower me and weaken her position.

Now that I’m older when I talk to people about my family, if I trust them enough I’ll say that my mother has always had mental and emotional problems, sometimes I also mention she has a personality disorder without going into too many details. I only talk about these things with good friends I trust because I also realize that most people aren’t able or willing to understand. I do think it’s important to talk about BPD because it’s a big part of our life and it prevents intimacy if people we are close with are want to be close with, don’t know about all the stress we’ve gone through and unfortunately often are still going through.

[Clearmind]

Abby, others simply don't understand and I have come to place now in my healing where I don't feel the need to explain.

The only ones I tend to talk to about my father is my therapist.

If Mom doesn't turn up to important events, you don't need to be her spokes person - a simple "I'm not sure" response is more than fine. Its not up to us to explain our parents whereabouts.

[AbbyNormal]

Hi Kwamina, I appreciate your reply. I understand about your mother wanting to heavily filter what the outside world knew about. It was the same way at my house. I'd like to share a memory but it involves physical abuse so if that's a trigger for you, don't read the next paragraph.

Once when I was elementary school, second grade I think, my mom had beaten me really badly. I had serious bruising all over my legs and back. It was spring time and I had upcoming track and field activities at school and the weather was hot. My mom told me to wear long pants and long sleeves to cover the bruises. She said that she was doing a favor by keeping me even though I was such a terrible child. She said if "outsiders" knew how "bad" I was, they would take me away and put me where they put "bad" kids.

Well, I won some races at school and was sent on to a city or district track meet. I wore a sweatsuit and said I forgot my shorts. I was terrified when the PE teacher said she would see if there were some extra shorts available. Given what I was already experiencing at home, I was terrified to go to somewhere that might be even worse. She didn't find any extra clothes. I was grateful at the time but of course now I wonder if things might have gone differently for me if my mom's abuse had been exposed.

I basically do the same as you. I have a couple of close friends who know about her issues. They're friends from my childhood and college years so they've had the misfortune of seeing the "real her." Outside of those friends, I generally say she suffers from some emotional problems and leave it at that.

The thing is, as acquaintances get closer, they have a set of assumptions about my life. Ironically, that assumption is usually that I come from an idyllic childhood and a wonderful family. I'm not sure why that bothers me. Is it because I'm afraid they're judging me, or that they can't relate, or that I feel like I'm now labeled as different? All of the above? Not sure.

But, when certain events happen like the arrival of a child or a serious illness, I've noticed that friends are all of the sudden like, "wow, her family doesn't even appear for something like this."

Clearmind, thanks for your reply. I totally agree with you. It isn't up to us to explain their choices. I'm responsible for my choices and she hers. I like the idea of saying I'm not sure. I usually say something like, "she's just not."

[Kwamina]

She said that she was doing a favor by keeping me even though I was such a terrible child. She said if "outsiders" knew how "bad" I was, they would take me away and put me where they put "bad" kids.

My mother did this a lot too unfortunately. She often told me that I was a bad child. She was the one misbehaving but when I confronted her about this, I usually ended up being the one promising to be good next time.

I was grateful at the time but of course now I wonder if things might have gone differently for me if my mom's abuse had been exposed.

This thought has often crossed my mind too. What would have happened if I had told anyone about the abuse? I was conditioned to not tell anyone about what goes on inside of our house because that’s what ‘good’ children do. Now I realize how much 'not telling' has hurt me so that's why I try to talk about these things now.

The thing is, as acquaintances get closer, they have a set of assumptions about my life. Ironically, that assumption is usually that I come from an idyllic childhood and a wonderful family. I'm not sure why that bothers me. Is it because I'm afraid they're judging me, or that they can't relate, or that I feel like I'm now labeled as different? All of the above? Not sure.

This happens to me a lot too. Like my colleagues at work all seem to think that I’m such a calm person who doesn’t have any stress in his life at all. This frustrates me yet at the same time I understand because I’ve always been wearing a mask. I needed to while growing up to protect myself, but now I’m learning to take it off and show the real me. The mask is no longer protecting me but actually hurting me, yet I'm so used to wearing it that it's still hard taking it off. I know I need to take it off though because it isn't the real me and as long as I'm wearing it people will never know the real me. In fact as long as I'm wearing it I myself will never know the real me.

I’m very sorry you had to go through all this horrific abuse. I hope you’ll keep discovering ways to better deal with these issues. Take care!

[Kwamina]

It’s ‘funny’ (for lack of a better word) how the mind works when you’re a kid. My mom never physically beat me, but sometimes I wished she did so others could see I was being abused even without me telling them. I was conditioned not to say a word about what happened inside our home so I didn’t. But I thought if people could see the marks on me from a beating, there might be a chance of someone coming to my rescue. After reading your story I realize that even if she had physically beaten me, she’d still find other ways to keep outsiders from knowing like forcing you to wear long pants and long sleeves to cover the bruises.

[Babysteps]

The thing is, as acquaintances get closer, they have a set of assumptions about my life. Ironically, that assumption is usually that I come from an idyllic childhood and a wonderful family. I'm not sure why that bothers me. Is it because I'm afraid they're judging me, or that they can't relate, or that I feel like I'm now labeled as different? All of the above? Not sure.

I hate that feeling. I actually grew up with that stereotype, which makes facing and coping with the abuse more difficult now. When I was younger, I thought I had a lot to be thankful for, including a "loving mother". But now I realize that my mom does not behave the way a mother truly should. Although she does show "love" towards me, it's in a more complicated difficult way, as if I'm a possession.

I had a lot of friends who grew up in rough families, so they always idolized mine.

This caused me to believe that the emotional abuse I faced was "normal" and "okay". I wouldn't tell them how my mom went raging crazy every weekend because someone didn't clean the dishes or there was toothpaste in the sink. I thought it was okay for mothers to get upset over those things and didn't realize the degree of emotions my mother experienced was dramatically out-of-line. It wasn't until last year that I started talking about it to them and connecting the dots. It's when they were like "Oh, well that's weird for a parent to do" or "Your mom shouldn't be like that, that's abuse and neglect" that made me realize how bad it is.

With this awareness now, it eats me up when people judge me. I think it's because it was that stereotype and previous judgement that made me think it was okay. Now that I know it's not okay and actually completely wrong, I get upset when others judge me that way. It makes me feel that they are underestimating my strength and undermining what I have to deal with. If you tell a pro-baseball player "Oh, what you do is so easy. You just hit a bat with a ball. Anyone could do that," I'm pretty sure the pro-baseball player will get pissed. It takes a lot of practice and hardwork to be a professional. It's the same with dealing with abuse.

How do you guys cope when people label your life as "good" or label your family situation as "perfect white-picket fence"? Coming to college, I'm interacting with a lot of new people. None of these people know my siblings, my parents, my household. I feel like it eats me alive when they just assume everything is perfect and dandy. Like-they honestly don't know how bad it is. I'm sitting here, getting great grades, doing well on tests, with a big fake smile on my face, and they assume that all of that is just natural talent? That I don't have any "real" problems to deal with?

It makes me want to scream about it to the whole world. But, I feel worse every time I do open up a little to a friend. I honestly don't want everyone knowing since then they'll judge me that way then. But I don't want them assuming I'm just some rich city girl who has everything handed to her-because that's the exact opposite on what I truly deal with.