I couldnt care less

[laelle]

I am having such a great day.  I had some really nice things to happen to me today and it reminded me how life was before he came along.

I couldnt care less about him and his problems today. 

[LetItBe]

I am so happy for you, laelle! 

Could you please send me a big dose of what you're having?

[laelle]

I'm drinking Orange Juice at the moment, but you can have some of that.    I think the FOG is lifting and I realize

that if I have to hide my true feeling just to keep a guy in my life who does not respect me, that price is too high.

I had help today and got my french classes going again.  I get paid again in a few days and without him to help support, i am soo going shopping.  

Yeah, im bored and im lonely, but everything else is in tact.

[me757]

I agree that it can be boring after they leave but I can sleep way better at night not worrying about them cheating or what they're gonna do next. I've filled my life with a lot more activities, like improv classes, to fill the void. The funny thing is that the void they left was so huge... but I'm not really sure what they filled it with. Looking back, I can't tell you really anything we accomplished. Live and learn.

[recoil]

I have days where I could care less and then other days where I feel sad.  Today I feel sad because of a very intense dream I had.  I also saw her walking down the hall today, looking as beautiful as ever.

[laelle]

I agree that it can be boring after they leave but I can sleep way better at night not worrying about them cheating or what they're gonna do next. I've filled my life with a lot more activities, like improv classes, to fill the void. The funny thing is that the void they left was so huge... but I'm not really sure what they filled it with. Looking back, I can't tell you really anything we accomplished. Live and learn.

Oatmeal, they filled us with very thick oatmeal.

[laelle]

I have days where I could care less and then other days where I feel sad.  Today I feel sad because of a very intense dream I had.  I also saw her walking down the hall today, looking as beautiful as ever.

I do understand what you mean, and I have moments too where I miss him.

Looking very honestly at things (from the outside)  he was my playmate.  I love my freaking playmate with all my heart,  however he can never be more than a playmate because outside of the illusion, its empty.  There is no solid foundation to build on.

[me757]

Playmate is a great way of looking at it. I had a lot of fun with my exgfBPD. I've also found that her and I have a lot more fun together since we broke up. She asked why this was but I couldn't tell her the truth, which was that being in a relationship with her 24/7 was mentally exhausting. I can be who she first fell in love with when we're hanging out maybe once a week with me longer worrying about bs. The problem was that it was still intimate at times and she has a bf. It didn't seem to totally phase her to sleep over though. She kept saying she was torn between us. She leans more towards him because he has already fell into her trap of wanting to get married asap, something I couldn't do with her behavior. I cut it off last week knowing that I couldn't totally get over her until I did so.

[real lady]

  Good for you laelle   I am so happy for you.

Once we can get that clarity; that it WAS an illusion and we were living in the wonderful relationship ALONE, it is saddening but FREEING.

[DragoN]

Once we can get that clarity; that it WAS an illusion and we were living in the wonderful relationship ALONE, it is saddening but FREEING.

Not picking here, but I don't know about your situation, I wouldn't have called mine Wonderful.

There were some good times, but overall?

The clarity for me, was it was an abusive relationship [ still is, as not 100% out,  emotionally left the building a couple years ago though] With some wonderful moments. And it was ALONE. Sad and freeing as you stated.

[laelle]

Playmate is a great way of looking at it. I had a lot of fun with my exgfBPD. I've also found that her and I have a lot more fun together since we broke up. She asked why this was but I couldn't tell her the truth, which was that being in a relationship with her 24/7 was mentally exhausting. I can be who she first fell in love with when we're hanging out maybe once a week with me longer worrying about bs. The problem was that it was still intimate at times and she has a bf. It didn't seem to totally phase her to sleep over though. She kept saying she was torn between us. She leans more towards him because he has already fell into her trap of wanting to get married asap, something I couldn't do with her behavior. I cut it off last week knowing that I couldn't totally get over her until I did so.

BPD's love to triangulate.  They will triangulate you with anything.  A video game even.

[wanttoknowmore]

Laelle,

Lets celebrate the emotional freedom with Orange Juice... liberation is beautiful... breaking the chains and pulling the hooks out of our hearts which were implanted by pwBPD. Freedom from toxic love feels so good. Congratulations ! 

[real lady]

There were some good times, but overall?

The clarity for me, was it was an abusive relationship... . With some wonderful moments. And it was ALONE. Sad and freeing as you stated.

((Satis)) You are right... . Sorry, I wasn't very clear, overall, like so many other BPD relationships; it STARTED OUT wonderful ( a dream come true) and turned into (BPD) nightmare. And then when realization of their lack of empathy, compassion and ability to love and reciprocate love, I felt VERY ALONE.

It was sad for about a year for me... . now it is freeing though I still live with my uBPDso as well. Undiagnosed and not interested in dealing with his mental illness. My life is going on. Without him.

So ((laelle)) I REALLY understand how you (and us once we have detached) could not care less about what the pwBPD is doing or how they are dealing with it, we have finally realized that WE are responsible for our lives and they are responsible for their own.

[Vegasskydiver]

  I think the FOG is lifting and I realize

that if I have to hide my true feeling just to keep a guy in my life who does not respect me, that price is too high.

I had help today and got my french classes going again.  I get paid again in a few days and without him to help support, i am soo going shopping.  

Yeah, im bored and im lonely, but everything else is in tact. [/quote]
Thank you for saying that... . it made a light bulb go on in my head... . I too had to hide my feelings, bite my tongue and walk on the biggest field of egg shells ... . for what?  To be with someone who deep down inside hated me becuase something happened so horrible in his past, that I had to pay for it.  No amount of love, compassion or understanding will ever be enough for pwBPD.  I pray for the day that I stop tearing up at the thought of him... . I want to become indifferent!

[whereisthezen]

Happy for you:) keep it up!

I want to feel that way too, to feel like me again. Like you I think I have to leave, its becoming more clear. Im sad things will go away but I am really happy to get what I lost back more. There is no price to pay for your happiness, it is free for you now and in the future. Stay happy, strong and rebuild yourself, french classes and all

[laelle]

If I had one wish it would be for him to be well and we could finish out our story book romance with "and they lived happily ever after."

I pray he finds someone who is perfectly happy being a placeholder for that perfect girl / and his abusive mom.  I cant, but I wish I could.

Sometimes I have wondered if it was not me with BPD, and then I think... . Nah, If I was I would be off trying to find the next person to dazzle, instead of being here, on this website, trying to heal.  I dunno, maybe he has to heal too.  I dont know his mind.

Ok, so I do care a little... .  but im human.

It did feel soo good today knowing there would be no drama caused by him but blamed on me.  I dont miss that.  

[laelle]

I pray for the day that I stop tearing up at the thought of him... . I want to become indifferent!

I understand how you feel, sometimes the pain is so bad I wish I could die to my own emotions.

This is not a good line of thinking because our emotions are what makes us human.  Its a gift.  Its what binds us all together.

Lately when I am sad I try to think of my sadness as a gift.  OK, so its a crappy gift, but it reminds me that I am human, and that I can LOVE.

I've spent waaay too much time alone this past week, im starting to sound like a Hallmark card.

[DragoN]

Real Lady 

And then when realization of their lack of empathy, compassion and ability to love and reciprocate love, I felt VERY ALONE.

That is the crux of the matter. That's what hurts for me.

wanttoknowmore

Freedom from toxic love feels so good.

True, although some, like myself, may still be stuck in the living space with our BPDSO, it doesn't carry quite the same sting and pain. When the FOG lifts, and we detach, it's much easier. But, being human and genuine, we still care, and that is what makes us perfect targets.

[laelle]

Good for you laelle   I am so happy for you!

Once we can get that clarity; that it WAS an illusion and we were living in the wonderful relationship ALONE, it is saddening but FREEING.

Real lady, 

Thank you.  Yeah, the illusion thing does suck a bit, but if I was in a relationship with myself this whole time, then what am I really losing but his absence? 

[laelle]

Happy for you:) keep it up!

I want to feel that way too, to feel like me again. Like you I think I have to leave, its becoming more clear. Im sad things will go away but I am really happy to get what I lost back more. There is no price to pay for your happiness, it is free for you now and in the future. Stay happy, strong and rebuild yourself, french classes and all

Thank you Whereisthezen, 

You learn to live again bit by bit, like when you learned to walk.  I spent some time detaching while in the relationship, and spent tons of time researching and understanding the disease and why I cant have what I seem to want so badly.

We all have our own reasons... . start with those. 

[laelle]

Real Lady 

And then when realization of their lack of empathy, compassion and ability to love and reciprocate love, I felt VERY ALONE.

That is the crux of the matter. That's what hurts for me.

wanttoknowmore

Freedom from toxic love feels so good.

True, although some, like myself, may still be stuck in the living space with our BPDSO, it doesn't carry quite the same sting and pain. When the FOG lifts, and we detach, it's much easier. But, being human and genuine, we still care, and that is what makes us perfect targets.

Well said. 

[DragoN]

Laelle

It's a relief to know that others are feeling and experiencing the same thing and we can reach out.

I put up with too much for too long, and was such a trusting fool. And this last week, a few more pieces to the puzzle fell into place, and ... . I really didn't like what I saw.

The ironic thing? It was his own projections and doubts of me, that forced  me to really look and do some numbers, and then there it was, staring me in the face. Silly me. Needless to say, I fired the numbers over to him and all I got was denial. He couldn't lie to cover up and so now, radio silence from him.

But... . he sent more money. Oddly enough. That was the only response. Admission of his actions? No.

He prides himself on his capacity to earn a lot of money, but all along, I have paid 100% + into this life and life style, while he put in about 25%. And the last year? Not 5%... . and the money is missing? Very funny. Not.

[laelle]

I think when they insist on taking up 90% of the room in the relationship and only contributing 10% to its survival, it gets overcrowded.

[real lady]

Real lady, 

Thank you.  Yeah, the illusion thing does suck a bit, but if I was in a relationship with myself this whole time, then what am I really losing but his absence? 

We are also losing our "dream come true"... . I say that my "dream came true but turned into a BPD nightmare" We are GRIEVING the LOSS of our DREAMS. We realize that the PERSON does NOT fulfill our dreams, NOW. We realize that they are mentally and emotionally ILL and unable to "BE" the person that we thought they were. We loved a person, that was a "visitor", transient, and was not going to "STAY" and grow with us. We LOST someone that never truly existed. We nearly lose ourselves in trying to find them and keep relationship with them. Overall, we never really "miss" the person that they really are; the BPD monster but we can feel compassion and even "love" them out of sentiment, I believe. Once OUT of a relationship, I think that we would be MUCH HAPPIER NOT HAVING BPD drama all the time. I know that I will NOT be missing it or him because of it when I leave... .

I think when they insist on taking up 90% of the room in the relationship and only contributing 10% to its survival, it gets overcrowded.

Cute analogy. I think there is A LOT of truth in it that WE GIVE MORE OF OURSELVES, because, let's face it, WE HAVE MORE to give than they do. They are not able to give to themselves and expect US to create their happiness for them. They blame us for THEIR problems and irresponsibility and bad decisions. They accuse US of BEING LIKE THEM. I would say that my BPD may give me "ALL that he has" but ALL THAT HE HAS is NOT good for a relationship.

In "coming to the table", he brings his BPD and broken promises, I bring a wonderful, authentic, healthy and loving woman who HAS loved him very much and has given up hope of being happy with him. I "have the hand" that I can "play" but I realize that I cannot "be a winner" in this "game".

[DragoN]

In "coming to the table", he brings his BPD and broken promises, I bring a wonderful, authentic, healthy and loving woman who HAS loved him very much and has given up hope of being happy with him. I "have the hand" that I can "play" but I realize that I cannot "be a winner" in this "game".

I really enjoy reading your posts real lady.Thank you.