Seeing a T

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello, I spoke with a therapist this afternoon, and made an appointment for a week from Friday.  She is familiar with BPD, and seemed willing to work with me.  I always feel a bit hesitant about working with someone new, but I hope this will be a good experience.  If she does know her stuff, then I know a lot of the results will be up to me. 

I know there are some changes that need to take place in my life, and a big part of me feels ready to change.  However, there is always that part of me that doubts, too, and wonders if things will really change.  I have a pattern of getting into relationships with disorderd women.  I need to find the strength to give myself a bit of time to heal, and to be strong enough to back away from situations where I notice the warning signs early on. 

The pull still feels so strong for me in these situations, though.  For instance, I recently met a woman who showed interest in talking to me and asked for my number, so I gave it to her.  And I feel that old familiar pull towards her.  She has significant abuse in her past, and is trying to make some changes, but she is not very healthy right now.  Part of me wants to get more involved with her on a personal level, but the healthy part of me is telling me to keep my distance.  I can be friendly, but I don't have to go further than that.  She seems to be a good person, and I find her quite interesting, but I recognize the same dynamics playing out.  I do see this as a type of addiction.  There is a payoff, but it works both ways.  Extreme highs and extreme lows. 

I'm hoping for some middle ground in my future.  I also talked with someone in a new recovery group that I plan on attending.  So I am taking steps towards helping myself change.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hello, I spoke with a therapist this afternoon, and made an appointment for a week from Friday.  She is familiar with BPD, and seemed willing to work with me.  I always feel a bit hesitant about working with someone new, but I hope this will be a good experience.  If she does know her stuff, then I know a lot of the results will be up to me. 

I know there are some changes that need to take place in my life, and a big part of me feels ready to change.  However, there is always that part of me that doubts, too, and wonders if things will really change.  I have a pattern of getting into relationships with disorderd women.  I need to find the strength to give myself a bit of time to heal, and to be strong enough to back away from situations where I notice the warning signs early on. 

The pull still feels so strong for me in these situations, though.  For instance, I recently met a woman who showed interest in talking to me and asked for my number, so I gave it to her.  And I feel that old familiar pull towards her.  She has significant abuse in her past, and is trying to make some changes, but she is not very healthy right now.  Part of me wants to get more involved with her on a personal level, but the healthy part of me is telling me to keep my distance.  I can be friendly, but I don't have to go further than that.  She seems to be a good person, and I find her quite interesting, but I recognize the same dynamics playing out.  I do see this as a type of addiction.  There is a payoff, but it works both ways.  Extreme highs and extreme lows. 

I'm hoping for some middle ground in my future.  I also talked with someone in a new recovery group that I plan on attending.  So I am taking steps towards helping myself change.

[laelle]

I think you will know when the time is right for you.  As far as disordered women     We are all disordered. (uhhh... . not just women, everyone)   We are all red-flags

Cut yourself a little slack, and be nice to yourself.  Give yourself a chance.  No one is normal.  Im sure not, and im a lovely person. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Laelle, You made me smile!  Thanks!  You are right in that we all have some disorderdness, certainly myself included.  Is disorderedness a word?  Ha!  I appreciate you telling me to cut myself some slack.  Everything feels too serious lately.  I need to have a bit of fun.

And I'm sure you are a lovely person.  I picked up on that a while ago when reading your posts in Staying.  I hope you are doing alright.  I'm going to see some friends tonight, so that is good.  I've felt a bit isolated lately.

I'm not sure I know what 'normal' is.  It sounds kinda boring to me.   

[maria1]

Hi Phoenix Rising

I feel the same pull toward disordered men. I think we can't just change and turn that pull off overnight but it is progress to step back from yourself and notice what you are doing.

I recently made a similar connection with somebody who I'm pretty sure was disordered. We both let it go- I didn't meet him but I did give him my mobile number despite myself. It was as if I could see myself doing something dangerous but doing it anyway (I've since deleted his contact details and the pull passed quite quickly).

I still think its big steps forward for you. And for me. It will be interesting to hear what your therapist says when you tell her where you are and where you want to be.

I hope you can also give yourself a thousand pats on the back (you're not the first person I've used this term with today but I mean it) for being able to identify so clearly how far you have come, where you are and where you need to get to.

All the best with the new therapist- will be interested to hear how it goes.

[P.F.Change]

Seeking T is a great way to take care of yourself as you heal.    It can feel a bit scary at first with any new T as you work out whether it is a good fit, but as you build the r/s it will be very helpful.  Good luck with your recovery group also. It sounds like you are aware of your old patterns and are ready to learn something new. I hope you will continue to share your journey.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[laelle]

I'm not sure I know what 'normal' is.  It sounds kinda boring to me.

It probably is for someone who ate his breakfast on a roller coaster everyday. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thanks everyone for your support.  This site has been so helpful.  I went out to eat and to a movie with a couple of people last night.  We had a great time.  One of the people was the woman I mentioned.  She is very interesting, but I just want to be friends right now, if anything.  I have not 'dated' since last June, so it has been a while.  I tried maintaining a friendship with my BPDex, but that did not work.  Anyway, I had fun, and that is what matters.  I'm in a good mood today, and the world is ok.  I've been through a lot, but I keep on keepin' on.  I encourage you to do the same.

I want to share a poem I wrote this week about my ex. 

So strong for you still

This fantastic will

Of surging passion

That rises above

What I thought I knew

Of you, and much my darling

Has changed.  You were the first dew

Crystal clear, my vision thoughts

And beats of blood, soaring to new spaces

For once to see, your majesty, a travesty?

I am not with you, but I am always with you

Your strong delicate arms still hold me

When I am alone and like stone

Pallid to corrode, yet my abode stays alive

Because of you, and how you touched

A place in me that was vacant before

Some distant shore of forever, you made visible

Clear as the river we baptized in the Ouachita Mountains

This affinity for you has not faded dear, but continues to grow

You made love in my heart, and it is a home.

[heartandwhole]

Gosh that's beautiful, phoenix !  I love poetry.

Just want to add my support and good wishes on your new path with a new T.  You sound like you really have a handle on what you want to work on.  I have no doubt that you will come out of this greater than you were before, which I'm sure was pretty great  

I'd love to hear about your progress, if and when you are in the mood to share with us.  

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thank you, Heartandwhole.  That's very kind of you.  I've been a fan of reading and writing poetry for a long time.  I wish the very best you in your journey.

[maria1]

That's expressed Phoenix. I think if you can get it out creatively it's very good for the soul. 

[Cumulus]

Your majesty, a travesty... .   Love this line. Thank you for sharing your poem, much enjoyed.

[maria1]

Just saw my post- meant to say that's beautifully expressed! 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thank you for the comments.  Poetry definitely helps me express my emotions. 

It's obvious I had, and have, deep feelings for her.  This still makes me sad.  I've had some alternating feelings the past couple of days of anger and disgust at some of her behavior.  Stepping away from this relationship has, and still is, very difficult.  I still have thoughts of texting or calling her and asking how she is, but I know that is not the best thing for me to do right now.  I will see the new therapist this Friday, and I am looking forward to it at this point.  I'm ready to get some feedback from her and hopefully some help in healing myself.

Best wishes to all.

[Phoenix.Rising]

So I saw the new T for the first time.  It feels like a good fit so far.  She understands borderlines and their relationships.  I talked for nearly the entire session.  She made it clear we would be taking the focus of my exBPD and putting it on me and what I can change about myself.  I admit I'm a bit afraid. 

But I do want to change.  I don't think this was the first pwBPD I've dated.  I feel drawn to them and them to me.  But I don't need that in my life.  She asked to think about what I wanted in a relationship.  Intellectually I believe I know.  Someone who takes me for who I am and accepts me.  Someone who is responsible.  Someone who is not in active addiction.  Someone who I am physically attracted to.  I have to meet the same criteria for myself.  This feels so difficult, but I know I can do it.

[laelle]

Thats great that the appointment with your new T went well for you.  Its normal to be nervous about opening up yourself and finding out whats inside.  There could be a nice surprise inside that box. 

[maria1]

So I saw the new T for the first time.  It feels like a good fit so far.  She understands borderlines and their relationships.  I talked for nearly the entire session.  She made it clear we would be taking the focus of my exBPD and putting it on me and what I can change about myself.  I admit I'm a bit afraid. 

But I do want to change.  I don't think this was the first pwBPD I've dated.  I feel drawn to them and them to me.  But I don't need that in my life.  She asked to think about what I wanted in a relationship.  Intellectually I believe I know.  Someone who takes me for who I am and accepts me.  Someone who is responsible.  Someone who is not in active addiction.  Someone who I am physically attracted to.  I have to meet the same criteria for myself.  This feels so difficult, but I know I can do it.

Sounds great and sounds to me like you both know what you're doing. I wish you all the best with it. You're ready- fear is good I think it means you are ready to push through change

[Phoenix.Rising]

Laelle, Your optimism is contagious.  That is a very commendable quality.  Thank you.   

Maria, It's interesting that you say "fear is good".  I usually tend to connotate it with "bad".  But I understand what you are saying.  If an elephant is charging me and I am not afraid and don't run in another direction, I might very well get trampled!  Yes, fear can be good!

I'm interested to find out what the T will suggest to work on, or rather what tools to use.  I've been given some very good tools on this site. 

[maria1]

I think the things that we are scared of can show us the way sometimes because those are the places we are most defended.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Ok, so my therapist told me I was still grieving.  Well, I knew this was true on some level, but it hit me when I got home this evening.  I had a hard cry.  I am sad for the brokenness that got in the way of something special.  I do have a lot of empathy for my ex.  I've always been on the sensitive side, though I don't always want to admit it.  I can be cold if I want, but it's really just a show.  Anyway, I got home, and I was on the phone with my mom, who definitely has BPD traits, if not BPD.  Well, we had a very nice conversation. 

I stepped on my front porch and several small birds were flying up very close to me.  I thought that was odd.  I looked around and saw a baby bird on the ground that could not fly.  The other birds, probably its siblings, were trying to find it.  The lowest branch in the trees in my front yard is probably 20 ft. off the ground, so I couldn't set the baby on a branch.  They are tall trees.  I thought about setting it on the roof, but it would probably fall off.  It was trying to fly, but unable.  I felt bad for this little bird and really wanted to help it.  It ran a ways into the yard where it could be seen.  It was previously behind the bushes.  It started chirping and the other birds saw it, and one bird swooped down and put some food in its mouth!  I realized that Nature would provide for this bird.  Whether it lives or not, I don't know, but I decided to let Nature (God) take care of it.

I started thinking about my exBPD and how I felt I needed to be there for her, to take care of her.  She is a grown woman and has proven she can take care of herself, and God will take care of her.  It is not my responsibility.  I can let her go, and I can let the baby bird go.  My interference might have caused more problems.  If I picked up the bird, the other birds may have left it alone.  To me, I see it as a lesson in letting go.  Nature will provide.  It is not my responsibility.

[maria1]

Hey Phoenix

I'm not a believer in much but that baby bird showed you something pretty simple but pretty profound just when you needed to see it today. You saw it because you are ready to see it, as hard as it is its the way that it is.  

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thank you, Maria.  Yes, it is profound.

You believe more than you realize.  You are starting to believe in YOU.   

[Phoenix.Rising]

Maria, I went through a period where I seriously doubted the existence of a higher power, and then when I did find faith again, I couldn't make much sense of it.  I'm still not sure I can make much sense of it, but something is there for me now.  I do not feel very close to it, but it is there. 

Anyway, I've read several books written by atheists and I appreciate much of what they have to say.  I've often told others that I believe many atheists live more spiritual lives than many Christians.  And I still believe that.  I recently finished Christopher Hitchens last book, Mortality, written before his death from cancer.  He was quite the character and a brilliant man and writer.

[laelle]

Aww, what a beautiful analogy.  I'm so glad you had a breakthrough with your psych.

I believe God is found in our hearts.  Religion or a belief system is not a requirement for him to reside there.

He doesnt care what religion he is.  He is just happy being close to you.  He reveals to everyone in his own time and in his own way.  He hears you.



My cousin is atheist and is a brilliant childrens cancer doctor who is out there saving the lives of our sons and daughters.  Giving something a name isnt so important, is it?

[maria1]

I believe in humanity and the power of love and faith and goodness inside us. I believe that all religion comes from that. I suppose you could call me a humanist.

The day my brother died a robin sat singing so beautifully outside my window as I got the news and after. That robin or one of his/ her descendents is with me in my garden often and occasionally even taps at the window when i am inside. My brother had very rosy red cheeks as a child.

I also believe strongly in the connections we make between us, here on this site and out in the world. Everywhere.

My BPDex took me to my late mothers house in Glasgow. He knew it was an important thing for me but that i wouldnt have sorted it. Later, we went to meet my uncle in a pub that BPDex suggested and that my uncle knew. The pub was the church my parents had got married in. I had no idea until my uncle said. It's a beautiful building.

Funny old world. Full of wonder.

[P.F.Change]

  To me, I see it as a lesson in letting go.  Nature will provide.  It is not my responsibility.

Look at you, processing your grief like that. You are right, you don't have to solve every problem or save everything that needs helping. You do what you are able when you are able and learn that the rest will be taken care of. I like the way you put it: "Nature will provide." Because look who provided this lesson for you. Good job being willing to learn it. 

PF

[laelle]

I believe as you do about we being a part of something much bigger than ourselves.  Its probably perfectly natural but its something that is foreign to our understanding.

That we are spoken to every day of our lives and guided.  I am deeply sorry about your brother Maria.  I cant begin to imagine the pain and loss you must have gone and still are going through.  I bet it gives you comfort to get those window taps.  I am afraid of the dark.  Petrified.  My sister was quite mean to me, and would turn all the lights off in the house at nite to scare me.  My grandmother knew this.  On the night my grandmother died, I woke up at about 2 in the morning and found every light in the house on.  EVERY ONE.  I do believe that life doesnt stop at death, I just cant say for certain what happens.

Sorry for hijacking your post P  

[maria1]

Sorry I think I started the hijack getting excited at the bird analogy and loss and how Phoenix is moving forward.

Loss is so much a part of life. Nature deals with Llosa and death and helps us in obvious and less obvious ways I think.

Laelle she sounds like a special Grandmother, looking after you 

Phoenix- sorry for hijacking. I really like this thread.

I really appreciate the way you share the ups and downs of your changing emotions and your conviction to stay strong to recover for yourself. It is inspiring to follow. Your steadiness is something I need to nurture in myself.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi friends!  I don't feel like you are hijacking the thread.  It can be nice when it evolves into something different.  It usually circles back around anyway.  I am touched by everyone's comments.

I believe in humanity, too, as easy as it is to focus on all the negative, there is a goodness underneath.  That belief keeps me going.  I see it when the flowers bloom each spring.  New life, and beauty and wonder.  That bloom is in each of us.  The sun continues to rise each new day, saying hello to us all.  It's going to be ok. 

Something in me is changing.  I hope I can maintain and let the process happen.  Sometimes I still feel like going backward or resisting the change, but I know this only brings more pain.  And it is painful to change.  When I was getting sober, I heard someone share that he was ready to change when the pain of going on like he had been was greater than the pain of change.  I think this is the point I have to reach to be willing to let go.  Pain is my teacher, too, as much as I want to deny it.

"Loss is a part of life."  So simple, but so true.  Maria, that must have been really tough losing your brother.  I have a sister, and the thought of losing her is almost unthinkable.

I believe as you do about we being a part of something much bigger than ourselves... .   That we are spoken to every day of our lives and guided. 

Yeah, the signs are all around.  Will I open my eyes to see?  Some days, yes, others, well, um... .  

My eyes were open yesterday.

Because look who provided this lesson for you.

Thank you, P.F. Change.  I needed to hear that this morning.   

[laelle]

Its was 4 in the morning for me and I couldnt sleep.  So Maria and I had a great discussion and found some really cool things in common.

I could talk about that stuff all day.

I'm glad your feeling better today.  The feelings ebb and flow, just ride the waves.  You can do it.