Isolation

[Elfie]

  I've been posting on the "Supporting a Son or Daughter with BPD" board so far, but I thought posting here would be fine, too. I'm not exactly sure where I "fit in" here - I don't have parents or children with BPD; rather, I have an uBPD brother, age 19. He is several years younger than I am, so I am a bit of a "parental figure" for him. It was about in July last year that the probable BPD diagnosis finally "clicked" for myself and my parents as what fit my brother's issues.

I guess lately I've been feeling really stressed, depressed, and alone in all of this (I tend to struggle with depression/anxiety in any case). My brother and his situation weighs heavily on my mind, and I think I have a lot of emotional pain under the surface. I probably even have some anger towards him. I guess I don't know what to do with all of these feelings. I've helped my parents get some support (recommending books, pointing them towards NAMI meetings) and they have a few people that they talk to things about, but I'm basically forbidden from mentioning my brother's issues to anyone (a few friends know that he struggles with mental health issues, but I wasn't even supposed to say that). I find myself desperately wanting to confide in friends, but shutting down more and more. I feel like I'm becoming increasingly isolated, largely because of dealing with my brother's issues and the related emotions that are a big part of my life, but I'm not able to express that. My parents don't seem to understand just how big a part of my life this is and how big a toll it can take - they also aren't that great at validating. They seem to expect me to help them/my brother as much as I can.

I just feel like I'm losing myself, and losing my brother. Even if I was "allowed" to share more about my brother with friends, I doubt many of them would or could understand what it's like. And they would probably stigmatize me because of my brother's issues (drug abuse, jail time, etc). Anyone else struggling with this sense of isolation? :/

[Kwamina]

Hi Elfie! 

This feeling of isolation and losing myself is something I can really relate to. I've often felt and sometimes still do like I'm completely losing my mind. Your needs are important too, I understand your parents' concern about your brother but it's also important that you take care of yourself. I grew up with a uBPD mother and sister and as a result suffered from depression and anxiety for many years. I think you really should try to talk to someone about what you're going through. It may feel like you're betraying your family but you're not, you're taking care of your own soul and that's a good thing. Talking about BPD can be difficult, in my case being online here has helped a lot. Is there anyone in your life you trust enough to confide in? If you don't want to go into all the details with that person that's ok too. Just say something like that your brother has mental and emotional problems but that you're finding it too difficult to talk about it. A relative with BPD is a big thing and it's very hard to establish real intimacy with others if they don't know this part of your life. I've been struggling with this too, I wish I had been able to talk about this when I was younger but I unfortunately was also conditioned to believe that this is something I shouldn't talk about. Looking back I realize how damaging this has been because I was really suffering and was dealing with it all by myself. I really hope you'll find someone you can talk to about your experiences. Take care.

[Elfie]

Hi Kwamina, thanks for your thoughts - very helpful. I think being able to participate in this board and just knowing that I'm not alone and that it is okay to feel the way I feel helps.

I guess I do understand why my parents don't want it talked about - we haven't even told my brother that we think he has BPD, and what if it were to get back to him? - not to mention the stigma and misunderstanding from other people that could happen. The one friend I did try to talk about it by name with (last year, over instant message) didn't seem to take it well, and it seems to have soured our friendship. :/ But I feel cut off and withdrawn from most of my other friends because it feels that there's a huge part of my life that I have to hide. I tried explaining this to my parents, but their response was something to the effect of "It doesn't have to be a huge part of your life." 

I guess mostly I wish it was easier to talk about, or that I had one really great, close friend that I felt would listen with understanding and without judgment, and who could offer advice. Don't we all! :P I can talk about it with my husband some, but I guess that's not quite the same as having a friend outside the close family circle to confide in. I've always been the person people confide in...

My brother is set to be in jail for a few months starting next month, and I'm dreading trying to cover that one up. I'm supposed to just tell people he's "doing okay", but I'm terrible at lying or covering up things. :/ It's so hard to try to describe everything that's going on, though.

[Kwamina]

I tried explaining this to my parents, but their response was something to the effect of "It doesn't have to be a huge part of your life."  

To me this sounds like your parents might still be in denial. Their response is very invalidating of your experience. My advice would be not to let them dictate how you feel or how you should feel.

My brother is set to be in jail for a few months starting next month, and I'm dreading trying to cover that one up. I'm supposed to just tell people he's "doing okay", but I'm terrible at lying or covering up things. :/ It's so hard to try to describe everything that's going on, though.

My advice would be not to let others dictate what you're supposed to say or not say. If you wanna say he's doing okay, that's fine. But if you wanna say something else that's fine too, just as long as it's your own choice.