There can be a positive ending.

[billtx3]

I am not sure if this is exactly the correct place to post this but I think it can help others due to what my situation is.

My BP is of the Transparent Type, Extroverted, and Mid-functioning. She is highly dependent and was raised in a home that her BP mother clearly infantilzed her and her brother.

After a decade of trying to set boundaries and failing, along with all the other abuse and bizare events that are so well described on the board,  I came the the conclusion that we had to divorce or I would go broke and insane. 

The reaction to this shocked me, mostly because she threatened divorce almost weekly to run over boundaries that I attempted to set and because she started to disassociate and went off and attempted to destroy my reputation with friends, family, and our children.  That's when I figured out she had BPD.

I read and learned as much as I could about the disorder and I convinced her to go to marriage counseling.  I remained calm in the session and allow the counselor to witness and rage and bizare behaviors.  Once the counselor figured it out my wife refused to go back.  The counselor's advice to me, "Limit the Damage".

I was very fortunate to find a LCSW that I saw on my own to guide me in managing the situation and to make sure I stayed on the right side of the line between harm and help.

Over the entire time period the relationship cycled through the normal phases of idealization, devaluation, and rage. There were several periods of false hope when things were going well for several weeks only for something to happen, like not going slow enough in the store, that would send things south again.

There were periods of highly dramatized illness, threats of divorce, the works. 

About a year into this I set a very firm boundary...   If you ask for, threaten, or otherwise mention a divorce or separation a divorce would happen, no matter what.  It did not take very long... .

The final phase was getting the divorce.  It was in the best interest of everyone for an quick low drama fair divorce, I really doubted it could be done but I had to try.

I presented her with option after option, figuring out her wants and needs in the process, all making the point, yes I am divorcing you and NO I am not abandoning you as long as this can be settled with out too much destruction to the children.

After about a month of very intense rage, fights, and no movement on my part about the final outcome, I let he know that I would be seeing a lawyer.  I filed for divorce and indicated that It was in the best interest of the children to share parenting, but if the court did not agree I wanted it. I gave her a copy and asked here to sign a waver of service.

Her last attempt at drama was to find, call and cry to a "barracuda" lawyer that has quite the rep for destruction.  She made an appointment "to look over the settlement" and expect me to pay for it, and I agreed.

The night before I asked if she had all the financial info and the settlement to give to this "woman" when she saw her.  "I don't need anything" she said.

I got very upset because I figured out what she was planning, tell a sob story and make this woman feel sorry for her.  After I calmed down, I emailed my lawyer and told here to put all the financial info in the paperwork and email it over to this attorney.  I informed my wife of the plan and she canceled the appointment.  She signed the agreement 3 days later.  As of today the divorce is final, took all of 5min in the judges chambers.

She ended up with her own home and we split parenting.  There are strong mediation clauses and a lot of protections about making decisions about the kids.  She got a bit more money than she should have and I got stuck with a few more bills that I should have but the numbers are not too unfair.

She is inching towards moving on.  I explained it to her this way.  There are thousands of connections between us, some big and some small.  You can decide when and how to cut them but once you do they cannot be re-connected.

I am very sure that there will always between connections between us and that she will at some level depend on me for some things at least until the children are grown.  I am ok with it.  I guess I still love her at some level and that's why I posted here.  I just needed better tools to deal with the abuse and better protect my children form the disorder.

Most of our issues should have been able to be worked out at the kitchen table in a "normal" situation but with BPD seems to need a court order.

This has been a very expensive resolution to this problem both in terms of emotional and monetary resources.  Saving my children from the destruction of a BP high conflict divorce is priceless.  I also now have the power to say NO and if she rages tell her to go home.   

[whereisthezen]

You are an amazing person for putting you and your childrens needs first while resolving a relationship tactfully when all information/ behavior was against you. Reading your post was a feeling of relief for you, for non BPDs and for myself. Thank you!

[DragoN]

I also now have the power to say NO and if she rages tell her to go home. 

Well done!

[laelle]

Nice boundary.  I bet she never dreamed you meant it.

[billtx3]

Thought I would give a little update to this.  Last night she was extremely nice and more importantly respectful like I have not seen since I said I do...   She collected some of her things and spent the night at her house. 

She asked if I would (not ordered) help her change some bulbs and hang some blinds.  I agreed and after I was done she thanked me again like I have not seen forever.

The other most interesting thing that I am seeing is that all 3 of the kids seem very happy, settled, and more secure.  Aren't kids supposed to be crushed by divorce?

My problem is have have this huge hole in my life, I have spent 80% of my energy managing her "feelings" for a decade.  I really thing this is going to be a very hard adjustment.

[lockedout]

The adjustment isn't that bad. You'll need to find distractions, rebuild old frindships, create new ones. The mourning after leaving is tough but it's on your own terms and doesn't last long. 

I hope my divorce goes half as smooth as yours. I've been out of the house for a few months but haven't started anything on the legal end. Considering the disposition of our assets and liabilities, it shouldn't be all that complicated but I'm still preparing for war. I'm doing this mentally, emotionally, and physically. I need time to heal, time to get my finances in order which will give me plenty of funding to be very fair to her or have, for all intents and purposes, plenty of funding if she decides not to play nice and have a barracuda do his or her worst. I'm getting in very good physical shape: the body affects the mind and will need to be able to withstand the potential stress.

This is a good spot for this thread. It starts in the undecided zone where people are in fear of the unknown. They need to know that they don't have to stay in it for the kids and that life can still go on for the better.