Ugh, drank too much last night and sent an raging email to estranged father.

[Woozy]

I've been in therapy for the past six months and I'm only now starting to realize how much damage was done by my abusive mother and father. Abuse to my sister and I from two people that never wanted kids and likely hated us by the time we were 10.

My sister and I are in our 40s now and I can now see how that trauma has affected everything we do and expect out of life. It robbed us of so much happiness and caused so much pain.

So, I've been estranged from my father for a couple of years and went NC on my mother at the end of 2012. Mom had us kids convinced that she was the main victim. Not the children. Her.

Yesterday, I called a company to get a part number for a replacement part I needed and they refused, saying I needed to contact a dealer. I became sarcastic and rude, then hung up. Later in therapy, I discussed the phone call and my disappointment in myself for being a jerk. My T helped show me that it's built up resentment - I could never talk back or get angry with my Ps.

I had a few drinks last night and decided to send a scorching email to my dad. About how he failed us. How he disgusted me. It felt so good at the time, like I finally hit the target with my arrow, instead of taking it out on random customer-service reps.

Then, I woke up this morning and felt terrible that I broke NC. He doesn't care anyway. Probably made him laugh.

I have any email he sends me automatically deleted, so even if he replies I won't have to deal with it. We're far from each other geographically too.

Is this a setback? I've been doing pretty well lately, then in the past week kinda went haywire.

Anyone else been helped or hurt by their own Orwellian Two Minutes Hate?

[GreenMango]

Woozy do you want to try to communicate with your folks? 

Or is it more about being heard?

[motherof1yearold]

It IS good you are completely aware of your behaviour. It is true drinking 1 too many can make bad feelings surface. I do have to agree with you that ,while he was probably *very* angered by the e-mail, ultimately he probably did "laugh it off"

Downsides are you can count on a possible silent treatment from him, and a definite spreading of the incident to whoever will listen.

BPDs cannot take any critisism , it only angers them. They possibly will want retaliation and to project on to you.

All in all I would say that was a step backwards. Next time just write an honest letter to yourself and burn it.

[Woozy]

No, I don't want communication.

I think I just wanted to rage at the very person I was actually angry at, instead of other people and inanimate objects.

[P.F.Change]

I think it can be a good thing to be able to express all our pent-up feelings and just get them all out, even (especially) anger. Often in an NC situation it is more helpful to do it indirectly... . say writing but not sending, or yelling at a photograph... . but sometimes we do need to confront our abusers directly one last time. 

So, how are you feeling now? You said you were feeling "terrible" about breaking NC. How do you mean? Guilty? Ashamed? Scared? Something else?

What has changed in the past week that brought you to a point you felt ready to do this?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[samantha!]

I sent all that kind of emails and private messages to my father all the time. I got in angry mood and I did it.

I was sorting out my inbox yesterday and I found again hundreds of private messages. Ugh, it was very expensive either.

But it became less and less. When my enablingNPD co alcoholic father writes me something on my cell, I get a bit angry or even for two days I get angry, but I do not write back anymore. I am able NOW to ignore it.

I sent him postcards on holidays that's it. I am waiting for the day, I can get him legally under supervision.

It took about 10 year or so. Ugh. My anger was really deep. Interestingly, it does not rush up anymore that deep. Maybe I am healed, maybe I am less illusional.

I know who he is.

If I could do it, you can do it either. One day, your anger is not that strong anymore.

I am able now to concentrate mainly on myself. But that does not mean that I slip here and there.

[tiredmommy2]

I think it can be a good thing to be able to express all our pent-up feelings and just get them all out, even (especially) anger. Often in an NC situation it is more helpful to do it indirectly... .   say writing but not sending, or yelling at a photograph... .   but sometimes we do need to confront our abusers directly one last time. 

Agreed.

There are times where I have also had a little too much to drink only to do things I would regret later.  Problem solved for now because I'm pregnant, but if that wasn't the case, I'd probably still occasionally do this. Alcohol really does seem (for me anyway) to make a lot of negative emotions rise to the surface, then with impaired judgement... .   well, it's kind of a recipe for disaster. 

I don't see what happened as a set-back on your part, but see it more as you just being human. None of us are perfect.  I broke NC (in the beginning) long enough to tell my PD mother that she was a horrible mother, a danger to society,  and that she could "go to h*ll."  See - I'm human too.  You are a person recovering from abuse with many thoughts and feelings to cope with, so please don't be too hard on yourself.   I know you're not happy about breaking NC, but do you feel any better for getting this off your chest at least?  How are you doing now?