Grieving for my loss of future

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've started selling a few bits and bobs on ebay.  Ready to pack up and move out of the place we shared.

It's heartbreaking, seeing all our hopes and dreams being carried out of the door by strangers with a cheery "Thank you! I'll leave you positive feedback!"

Everything I sell, I remember us spending time choosing it and laughing and smiling, promising to love each other forever, and marvelling at how lucky we were to have finally found each other.  And how we were going to build a home, have a family... .

I would have bet my life savings that this would never have happened.

I'm not the sort of person that falls for anyone.  I was the eternal singleton. 

I never thought I'd ever meet my perfect (or the person I THOUGHT was my perfect).

It just feels like a cruel joke.

Yeah, let's let you have a taste of what you never thought you wanted, sell you the dream, make you think all your Christmases have come at once, and then snatch it away... .

It hurts like hell, it really does.

To steal somebody else's words (can't remember who, but thank you!) I know I'm not grieving for her... .

I'm grieving for the person I thought she was, the hopes and dreams I didn't realise I wanted until she sold me the dream and I bought into it, the life we had planned, the baby we were going to have and now never will, my innocence that has been taken, and my barriers that are now up so high that nobody else will ever get in, ever.

Why did this have to happen... . why... . what did I ever do wrong?  Feels like I am being punished, and I tried so hard to be perfect, I loved her so very much and would have given her the world.

[mango_flower]

I've started selling a few bits and bobs on ebay.  Ready to pack up and move out of the place we shared.

It's heartbreaking, seeing all our hopes and dreams being carried out of the door by strangers with a cheery "Thank you! I'll leave you positive feedback!"

Everything I sell, I remember us spending time choosing it and laughing and smiling, promising to love each other forever, and marvelling at how lucky we were to have finally found each other.  And how we were going to build a home, have a family... .

I would have bet my life savings that this would never have happened.

I'm not the sort of person that falls for anyone.  I was the eternal singleton. 

I never thought I'd ever meet my perfect (or the person I THOUGHT was my perfect).

It just feels like a cruel joke.

Yeah, let's let you have a taste of what you never thought you wanted, sell you the dream, make you think all your Christmases have come at once, and then snatch it away... .

It hurts like hell, it really does.

To steal somebody else's words (can't remember who, but thank you!) I know I'm not grieving for her... .

I'm grieving for the person I thought she was, the hopes and dreams I didn't realise I wanted until she sold me the dream and I bought into it, the life we had planned, the baby we were going to have and now never will, my innocence that has been taken, and my barriers that are now up so high that nobody else will ever get in, ever.

Why did this have to happen... . why... . what did I ever do wrong?  Feels like I am being punished, and I tried so hard to be perfect, I loved her so very much and would have given her the world.

[clairedair]

It just feels like a cruel joke.

Yeah, let's let you have a taste of what you never thought you wanted, sell you the dream, make you think all your Christmases have come at once, and then snatch it away... .

It hurts like hell, it really does.

The glimpses of what we think is possible and then you look away for an instant and it's all gone.  And worse, you start to doubt that any of it was ever real.  You are right - it hurts like hell.  I was struck by what your said about getting a taste of something "you never thought you wanted".  That's the kicker - you are getting along fine but you are given a taste of something amazing; something that gives you wings and you wonder why you never knew that you could feel like this.  And then your wings are clipped and you fall to earth, bruised and broken.

And yes, I agree that it does feel as if you are being punished for loving.

Why did you feel you needed to be perfect?  Why try so hard to do this?

By the way, I admire you for starting to sell stuff that holds so much meaning and memory.

take care

Claire

PS are you over the bug yet?  Sounded rough

I admire you for making a start on selling some items - it's hard enough to lose possessions but when they hold such meaning, it's even harder. 

[mango_flower]

Hi Claire - thanks    I am over the worst of the bug - nasty thing!  Started to feel a bit more upbeat today - looking forward to a fresh start.  It just hit me again when people came to pick things up - a happy young couple - reminded me of how my girl and I were for all of our relationship apart from the last 6 weeks - full of hope.

I liked your analogy of being given wings and then falling to the ground, battered and broken... .

I'm not sure why I tried to be perfect - and I'm sure I wasn't - but I loved her so very much that it seems senseless - like, maybe if I hadn't, I'd understand all of this, but I just don't... . I can read about BPD until I'm blue in the face but I still feel that if I'd been good enough, if I'd tried harder... . after all, her new girl seems to be doing a pretty good job 

Hope you're doing ok xxx

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

I've started selling a few bits and bobs on ebay.  Ready to pack up and move out of the place we shared.

It's heartbreaking, seeing all our hopes and dreams being carried out of the door by strangers with a cheery "Thank you! I'll leave you positive feedback!"

Everything I sell, I remember us spending time choosing it and laughing and smiling, promising to love each other forever, and marvelling at how lucky we were to have finally found each other.  And how we were going to build a home, have a family... .

I would have bet my life savings that this would never have happened.

I'm not the sort of person that falls for anyone.  I was the eternal singleton. 

I never thought I'd ever meet my perfect (or the person I THOUGHT was my perfect).

It just feels like a cruel joke.

Yeah, let's let you have a taste of what you never thought you wanted, sell you the dream, make you think all your Christmases have come at once, and then snatch it away... .

It hurts like hell, it really does.

To steal somebody else's words (can't remember who, but thank you!) I know I'm not grieving for her... .

I'm grieving for the person I thought she was, the hopes and dreams I didn't realise I wanted until she sold me the dream and I bought into it, the life we had planned, the baby we were going to have and now never will, my innocence that has been taken, and my barriers that are now up so high that nobody else will ever get in, ever.

Why did this have to happen... . why... . what did I ever do wrong?  Feels like I am being punished, and I tried so hard to be perfect, I loved her so very much and would have given her the world.

Hey mango flower! Cheer up!

I am sorry for your lost... . hope you can soon realize that this is for your best. Heartbreaking is inevitable, I can't say time will take care of everything, because at first you need to convince yourself that you are doing something very good for yourself... . It's your life that you have control of. We are not rescuers, we cannot save them, we cannot help to change their minds... . All we have done is expecting that they can understand how we feel someday... .


I can relate to every word you wrote. I felt exactly the same when I decided to step out from his life, our lives, our home, give up our promises and dreams. I still remember the night when he screamed at me and told me to "get the ***** out of his life", he told me to get out almost everyday, and I finally said "Okay" that night.

3 months after, now he's completely gone and I've finally decided to move on. I've got to. But somehow I just feel that I have lost a big part of myself. I am not the same anymore. I stop dreaming of having a family with somebody and become more focus in my own life. I guess this is something that most of us here have in common - we are living for the others, not for ourselves. I think for you and as well as for me is to learn how to live for ourselves... . FYI I am making good progress after I convinced myself to think that way. So good luck!

[mango_flower]

Thanks Meg

I just wish our whole relationship hadn't been so amazing... . if there had been arguments, fights, I'd have understood and maybe could remember those, to help me move on. But there wasn't.

Until the last 6 weeks and then she had a breakdown and walked out, life was amazing... .

I know she still loves me, but I also know a) I can't ever do this again and b) she would never come back because there is too much pain associated with us now.  And there is the added complication that this other girl helped her through her breakdown (she wouldn't let me help) and now they are together... . so confusing!

You sound so strong right now - thank you for your words.  It's good to know that it really does get better x

[sad but wiser]

mango flower - I am so sorry for your pain.  I'm not sure what to say except that you are not alone.

Meg - I hope you don't give up on love forever.  None of us should have watched "Sleeping Beauty" and "Cinderella" when we were little.  We are probably unrealistic about how long real love takes.

[marbleloser]

"what did I ever do wrong?"

You did nothing wrong.She's disordered and you loved her.You can't help who your heart falls in love with.

But,you... . you're going to be much more of a person because of this.You're going to see things differently in time.You're going to empathize with others who cross your path and are going through their own struggles.You'll be able to recognize people you don't need in your life.You'll remember the feelings you have now,but she'll be just someone you knew.What you're learning now will benefit you for the rest of your life.Every day.

It doesn't seem that way at the moment,but trust me,you'll get there.You've been through hell.You'll be able to cope with most anything in time.

[clairedair]

But,you... . you're going to be much more of a person because of this.You're going to see things differently in time.You're going to empathize with others who cross your path and are going through their own struggles.You'll be able to recognize people you don't need in your life.You'll remember the feelings you have now,but she'll be just someone you knew.What you're learning now will benefit you for the rest of your life.Every day.

mango_flower

What marbleloser says has been true for me - I'm not out of the woods yet but the experiences of the last few years have opened up my life in unexpected ways.  I have deeper, more meaningful relationships with family and friends because I have been willing to share of myself and am also more able to listen and empathise.  I am not as hard on myself and don't feel the same urge to be perfect.  I don't send as many Christmas cards because I want to concentrate my energies on people who I am really connected to rather than feel guilty about not sending a card once a year to someone I know I will never see again!  Sounds a bit silly but all these little things add up and mean that I have more time for the people who matter and whose company energises rather than drains.

I hope that one day soon you will be able to look back and see how you have grown and how your life has expanded.    i guess you felt that with her - that you had found something you weren't looking for and life was 100x better.  But she can't sustain that.  You have the chance to build something for yourself that is sustainable and real.

You'll remember the feelings you have now,but she'll be just someone you knew.

I found this a little hard to read.  I never wanted to get to this stage with a man who I had shared most of my adult life with.  My children's father.  But we were at a parents' night last night and I realised that I was nearly at this point.  Two other parents were with us for a time and talking with ex was like talking with them.  I could feel a tiny bit of connection but it was more of a shared pride in our child rather than something between us.  I thought I would be devastated to feel like this but actually, it was a relief to be able to come home, laugh with my kids and sleep relatively well.  Why would I want to feel a strong connection to someone who can't be with me in a healthy way?

take care,

Claire

[ScotisGone74]

Sometimes I wish the pain we felt could be manifested in some type of physical nature, like I just had this huge scar across my chest that I just got stitched up.  I could see it bleed, touch the scar, look at it in the mirror to see how it was healing, and have something to show my family and friends of what happened to me-  But thats not going to happen, we all Lug around this huge emotional burden that hangs on and we can't see it to know if it really is healing up or not.  I feel your pain.   

The bottom line is we all were in love with who we thought They were, who they pretended to be, not the Real Them-which is who we most likely saw in the end of it all.   I've accepted it, now I just don't know what the hell to do from this point.   I think this gives us the opportunity to think about all the things that we Don't want/need in our lives.

[real lady]

I would have bet my life savings that this would never have happened.

Me too... . I understand... . shattered dreams... .

I never thought I'd ever meet my perfect (or the person I THOUGHT was my perfect).

My ubpso and I are "first loves", both married and divorced TWICE and then reunited. It was a "dream come true"... . soulmates. yeah.

It just feels like a cruel joke.

Even worse, it feel like H*ll doesn't it? Like they made a "special place" just to abuse and HURT us as much as they could... . all the while saying how abusive we were to them... . really? I wish that he would SO BADLY ABUSE ME AS I HAVE HIM.

I'm grieving for the person I thought she was, the hopes and dreams I didn't realize I wanted until she sold me the dream and I bought into it, the life we had planned, the baby we were going to have and now never will, my innocence that has been taken, and my barriers that are now up so high that nobody else will ever get in, ever.

But WE can adapt, change, grow and LEARN from this. WE CAN be healed from this. WE WILL go on and have a good relationship; if not only with ourselves, but with a KIND and LOVING person who respects and loves us for who we are. I believe it can happen. Mainly, because I returned to my uBPDso because I "loved him so much"... . I didn't want to live my life without him and NOW I see that I was the one WHO LOVED THE GREATEST and I will hurt but I WILL GO ON and love again... . and so will you. Give yourself time. Let the walls stay up. Heal. Take care of yourself.

Why did this have to happen... . why... . what did I ever do wrong?

  We unintentionally feel in love with a MENTALLY ILL person who was not able to "keep up the front" or follow through with being a healthy partner... . we "didn't do" anything wrong. We loved the wrong person maybe.

Feels like I am being punished, and I tried so hard to be perfect, I loved her so very much and would have given her the world.

That is what us nons do. We WANT to give them our best. I gave my uBPDso MY LIFE... . I gave up everything to BE with him and he turns our "dream come true" into a "BPD nightmare"... . It is NOT fair. Loss of dreams. Terrible grieving of "what might have been" only if... . but there are NO "only ifs" with a mentally ill person.  No matter HOW MUCH we love them, they will not "be healed" and have an healthy relationship. It is NOT us who is "not perfect", it is them who are mentally ill.

[laelle]

I wrote a big long post to you MangoFlower, but blue screened and my computer shut down before I could hit send.

I really just wanted to send you a big   and tell you that I can absolutely feel your pain on this.  

I hope as the days pass you will be able to release yourself from the guilt.  You were a great partner and you have the ability to love so deeply.

In this embittered world, its a very admirable quality to have.  I really admire your courage and strength.

[sad but wiser]

Scottisgone, 

You said,

But thats not going to happen, we all Lug around this huge emotional burden that hangs on and we can't see it to know if it really is healing up or not.       

But I think you can know, it just takes time.  I think this place, these boards, are a huge help.  We learn to name and know the thing that kept our person from being a whole person who could have a relationship with us.  After awhile, we decide not to lug around that huge emotional burden and we put it down, on purpose. 

Then, the real healing can begin. 

   We can't let go as long as we lug around that burden.  As a matter of fact, we are choosing to be victims by carrying it around.

Maybe we really need to do this for a little while.  Like when you are in the hospital, allowing your body to heal by resting.  Our emotional burden is a barrier that keeps us from fully engaging in relationships with others.  We rest. 

  But eventually we must put that burden down, and we must do it with intention.  Otherwise, you are really saying that BPD traits are catching. (Fear of abandonment, fear of closeness)

[trevjim]

Ive found this really tough too mango, All ive invested in the home is now gone and being used by her and her new boyfriend, back to square one  :'(

[sad but wiser]

Ouch trevjim! 

[mango_flower]

Thanks all - so many replies I don't know where to start!

I read every one of them twice... . it means so much that you guys took the time to put some words down in response to this.  Every post made sense to me.

I hate that other people are feeling this pain too - it really just doesn't seem fair, does it? But I am glad I'm not crazy for feeling this way... .

Thank you all again - so much x