What else can I do?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

No contact isn't an option for me; we have a toddler son. We have been going back and forth over the past few days over the time sharing schedule for April. I've been very accommodating to her needs; I kept him overnight last night without prior notice so she could have dinner at a friends house. Today she e-mailed me with changes she wanted to make so she could go work out Tuesday nights with a group of girls. I made the changes without complaint or fuss, even though she immediately says no to everything I ask for. In that e-mail was this sentence:

"I'm not doing well mentally, emotionally, or physically. Not that you care".

How much am I supposed to care? Didn't I "care" enough when I was reading through all kinds of self-help books and going to therapy to learn not to be such and "uncaring and abusive" husband and treat my wife the way a husband is supposed to? The whole time sleeping in a front bedroom with clutter, boxes, and clothes strewn about , a hard mattress, and threadbare sheets? Did she care how I was doing at any time, even now? Ie not doing well emotionally, physically, or mentally? And that I gave her "alone time" while she went out several nights a week and not coming back until 3am while I stayed home with our son?

Don't get me wrong, it makes me a little sad to hear that, but she wanted this separation. Shouldn't she be happy not having to put up with my "severe abuse"? She can go out now however long she wants when I have our son? She can have single men over the house while I'm at work overnight who later write racy e-mails to her without having to listen to my invasive and controlling attitude about it later? Like when I find beer in my fridge that I don't drink or find said racy e-mails in an unfamiliar e-mail account? That I'm not pacing around, afraid of my own shadow when she gets home in fear of what she may find wrong? What is she so unhappy about and what am I supposed to do other than what I could do than promptly and quietly make the adjustments she asked for so she could do what she needs to do to help herself?

[lockedout]

No contact isn't an option for me; we have a toddler son. We have been going back and forth over the past few days over the time sharing schedule for April. I've been very accommodating to her needs; I kept him overnight last night without prior notice so she could have dinner at a friends house. Today she e-mailed me with changes she wanted to make so she could go work out Tuesday nights with a group of girls. I made the changes without complaint or fuss, even though she immediately says no to everything I ask for. In that e-mail was this sentence:

"I'm not doing well mentally, emotionally, or physically. Not that you care".

How much am I supposed to care? Didn't I "care" enough when I was reading through all kinds of self-help books and going to therapy to learn not to be such and "uncaring and abusive" husband and treat my wife the way a husband is supposed to? The whole time sleeping in a front bedroom with clutter, boxes, and clothes strewn about , a hard mattress, and threadbare sheets? Did she care how I was doing at any time, even now? Ie not doing well emotionally, physically, or mentally? And that I gave her "alone time" while she went out several nights a week and not coming back until 3am while I stayed home with our son?

Don't get me wrong, it makes me a little sad to hear that, but she wanted this separation. Shouldn't she be happy not having to put up with my "severe abuse"? She can go out now however long she wants when I have our son? She can have single men over the house while I'm at work overnight who later write racy e-mails to her without having to listen to my invasive and controlling attitude about it later? Like when I find beer in my fridge that I don't drink or find said racy e-mails in an unfamiliar e-mail account? That I'm not pacing around, afraid of my own shadow when she gets home in fear of what she may find wrong? What is she so unhappy about and what am I supposed to do other than what I could do than promptly and quietly make the adjustments she asked for so she could do what she needs to do to help herself?

[mango_flower]

I feel your frustration.

You CAN'T win and make her see "the truth" because her truth will always be right to her... .

Keep yourself surrounded by people who ground you - it has helped me immensely to discuss things with friends who reassure me that I'm not going crazy, that she really WAS the one who had skewed perceptions... .

Logic doesn't work either.  I wish it did, wow do I wish it did... .

I'm sorry you have to have contact with her, I really am.  I guess you can just hope that she finds another person to attach to, and then you'll have an easier life... . I wish I had a better answer for you... . xxx

[lockedout]

I'm getting better each day and give myself credit for not engaging but I'll never be able to not care; she'll always be the mother of my son. I really think she is hurting but as soon as I cave and try to enter that world, we'll go right back into old cycles. It's more important that our son sees us getting along than it is to win an argument. I can't help her or what she does, but I can help what I do. I can only work on myself and pray that she finds her own way. I'm starting to learn about mindfulness and when and if I go to another therapist, it'll be one who does mindfulness based stress reduction. We'll always have our experiences and emotions; both good and bad, but it's how we think about them and react to those thoughts. I think I did a pretty good job of not commenting on any her side comments and simply doing what she asked so that she can work on herself.

I guess you can just hope that she finds another person to attach to, and then you'll have an easier life... . I wish I had a better answer for you... . xxx

Funny you should mention that. I haven't pursued a divorce yet just so that emotions can cool for a while on both sides of the fence. I did recently discover that she's on the same internet dating site that I'm on - she won't find me because I don't post a picture. I'm hoping that she'll meet someone to draw the focus off me.

[captain4464]

Hi Lockedout,

Mango_flower is right.  Logic and reasoning simply do not work.  You can provide concrete evidence to support your point of view but people with BPD will rarely change their minds about anything.  In fact, it is often more serious than that.  They will attempt to twist your mind to make you feel that you are to blame for anything and everything that has gone wrong in their lives.  This is a fact that all of us dealing with family members suffering from BPD must eventually come to grips with.  I have found a few close friends that I confide in, one of whom initially suggested my now ex-wife has BPD.  Friends will support you and keep you grounded.  So will this forum.  Don't drown in unhealthy resentment but allow your friends and readings on this board guide you to a better understanding of the disease.  That will mitigate the feeling of helplessness we have all experienced.  Use your 'alone' time to slowly design a better life free of the turmoil and uncertainty that BPD brings.  Best of luck.  Captain4464

[DragoN]

lockedout,

I can understand your frustration as well, but let's take a look at your actions as well. You are on a dating site and not divorced nor healed from this chaos. What is the purpose of that? How long have you been separated? And there has been no leg work on divorce proceedings? Doesn't make sense to me.

[lockedout]

Satis:

I didn't create a post for an evaluation and for judgement to be passed on my actions and I don't appreciate the criticism. I am here for support, not to be "fixed" by another member. You are welcome to look up my older posts and maybe gain some understanding as to how I got to where I am now. I created this post to discuss detachment, not my day to day actions.

The short answer and not that I'm attempting to justify myself to you is that I'm taking things one day at a time. Yes, I am on a website and yes, I've been out on a few dates. Is it right or wrong? I don't know. At times I'm motivated towards it, other days not so much. But there are also many more things involved in the healing process. Because we have a young child and because a divorce has such a long-term impact on the future for all three of us, I am also waiting a while for some healing to occur before making a movie in either direction. I've been through some rough stuff but I'm still cognizant that what I do in the coming months will have an impact on the rest of our lives.

And, no I'm not "frustrated". I'm sad to hear that she's not doing well and with the knowledge that there's nothing I can do to help her now. I'm making mention of this to bounce my thoughts off others to ensure they are and remain healthy and natural.

[real lady]

"I'm not doing well mentally, emotionally, or physically. Not that you care".

Classic projection. The sooner that we see this for what it is, the less it hurts us and the better we respond (or don't respond) to it. It cut me deeply for him " not to feel" my love for him and then I began to realize, that he MIGHT NEVER receive my love and reciprocate it as once before. I realized that he is MENTALLY ILL and I weigh his words with that understanding.

Don't get me wrong, it makes me a little sad to hear that, but she wanted this separation. Shouldn't she be happy not having to put up with my "severe abuse"?

Amazing isn't it. My uBPDso has done the VERY SAME THING. He was KICKING ME out and when I showed that I was WILLING and READY to go he tried to "be a victim" and say "YOU ARE DOING THIS"... . and I said "NO, you just said you were taking me and my son to the homeless shelter, YOU are kicking us OUT, and we are leaving with you". I know that it hurts. We had dreams with our pwBPD... . it IS sad and we have loss that we have to deal with... . alone. Very unfair. She "should" be happy but maybe you are realizing in giving her ALL that she wants, she is NOT happy and it is NOT because of you... . it is HER and her mental illness.

She can go out now however long she wants when I have our son?

She doesn't seem to be appreciative of this and I would feel, if I were in your shoes, that I was being used and possibly have to face resentment, etc. Especially being aware of her infidelity and not confronting her... . it almost sounds like she "wants you to fight for her" (my HPD sister had this thought and shared it with me years ago, with her first affair... . she is now separated and divorcing her husband who "didn't show enough attention to her" THEN and NOW it is too late) I am NOT suggesting that you give her the drama that she wants, I would USE THAT INFORMATION to establish infidelity and irresponsibility on her part and legally GET CUSTODY of your child.

What is she so unhappy about and what am I supposed to do other than what I could do than promptly and quietly make the adjustments she asked for so she could do what she needs to do to help herself?

What you are NOT doing is what the problem is for HER. You are not upset, fretting, accusing or confronting her. You are not giving her the drama her MENTAL ILLNESS wants.

IMHO, you are not helping her or yourself by "giving in" to her demands. Sounds to me like she will USE you as much as you allow her... . don't allow her. Take care of you and your child... . wishing you the best. 

[laelle]

I'm making mention of this to bounce my thoughts off others to ensure they are and remain healthy and natural.

You are not truly bouncing your thoughts off anyone if you only respect the thoughts that agree with your line of thinking.

You dont have to agree with them all, just respect them all.

I can see where you have huge amounts of guilt for moving on.  :)ont.  Its difficult trying to pick up the pieces when your ex partner still wants you to play into her script. From what you say you are really doing your best to accommodate her and your care for her should now be strictly ex wife / mother of your child mode.  Its not your place to soothe her wounds.  She will have to handle that herself or find someone else (as BPDs do) can.

Your right on there in my opinon.  

I do believe that Satis only meant that getting into a new relationship while this one is still playing out may not help your grieving and healing.

Yeah, you find someone else, but the same dynamics could still come into play later. As you say, you have read alot of books and done your research so i am positive that you have carefully considered this already.

I dated before I got divorced as I was separated from my husband and fell in love with a dreamer.  I wish I had the advice of this board before I ever took him seriously.

[lockedout]

real lady,

Infidelity, if I can prove it is a symptom, not the cause of  a bad marriage or a reason to deny her access to him in any way. I live in a no-fault state that defaults to 50/50 cutody unless there's good cause; adultery not being one of them. I'm happy with 50/50 and will only worry unless she tries to limit my access to himn outside of those parameters. If I were to buck the system to put "custody" in my favor, it's a risky endeavor. The marriage has been terrible, but her abilities as a mother are fine so far. I suspect one or more emotional affairs; I have no evidence of a physical affair.

I agree with setting certain boundaries and not giving in. We have agreed that we will be flexible for each other when it comes to anything that is for our physical or mental well being. I'll be flexible there even if she isn't. If she tries to get me to bend under the pretense of false accusations or threats, I agree with you 100%. I document every change she requests and how I handle it. I also document when shes asks and says no. If we end up in court, the judge will prefer the evidence over how many pissing contest I won to the detriment of our son.

laelle,

I've been pretty good about making it clear to those I date that I'm not seeking a commitment. I do it to seek healthy interaction, to build up healthy self esteem, and to learn all over again (if I even knew to begin with) how to establish healthy boundaries. The biggest risk I face is encountering another BPDer; I consider that carefully at all times.