Do you find that it does NOT take two people to have a fight when one is a pwBPD

[SadWifeofBPD]

you know the old saying, "it takes two to have a fight."

I am living proof that that is not true.  My adult kids will back me up with this 100%.   

My BPDH can be talking about something innocent, then segue into a "danger zone," and then single-handedly begin raging.  I will literally say NOTHING the entire time and H will rage and rage.  There have been times when our adult kids will say something like, "dad, calm down, you're getting yourself wound up."   But, he'll just keep on going.   So, yes, my H can have a fight all by himself. 

Oh... . and if I leave the house to get away from this... . my kids say that he'll be in the bedroom literally yelling at the walls... . so he's yelling at no one... . but he will be saying my name (with bad words, etc). 

A few times, he has thought that I was in a bedroom, and he's stood outside the door and raged for over an hour.  Our kids told me later.  They didn't bother to tell him that I wasn't in that room.  They thought it was crazy that he was literally yelling at a door to an empty bedroom. 


Anyone else experience this? 

[sad but wiser]

Yes.  The final event for our family was a totally unprovoked rage at myself and the kids over nothing in particular that anyone could figure out.

As for your situation, that sounds DANGEROUS!  Really, really dangerous.  Your husband has painted you black.  Please, please protect yourself and your kids.  Get an expert on BPD to help you determine if you are safe in the home.  Locate the nearest safe house and know where it is.  I don't mean to be an alarmist, but your situation really has me worried.

[SadWifeofBPD]

 Yes, I am away from my H... . about 200 miles away.  We are separated.  My sis is a T and she convinced me that I am no longer safe around him.  

My point of this thread really is to bring to light how pwBPD can get enraged all by themselves without any input from anyone.  My H can be talking about the gym, about how he likes his gym, and then transition into some subject that upsets him... . and then the raging begins despite anyone's best efforts to stop him.

[DragoN]

Yes, have seen same. Come home to a screaming maniac. Utterly unbelievable.

Left  as fast as I came.

[briefcase]

Oh... . and if I leave the house to get away from this... . my kids say that he'll be in the bedroom literally yelling at the walls... . so he's yelling at no one... . but he will be saying my name (with bad words, etc). 

A few times, he has thought that I was in a bedroom, and he's stood outside the door and raged for over an hour.  Our kids told me later.  They didn't bother to tell him that I wasn't in that room.  They thought it was crazy that he was literally yelling at a door to an empty bedroom. 

This isn't exactly "having a fight" though.     This is him sitting alone in the house and raging to himself while you left and took care of yourself!   

[sad but wiser]

I'm glad to hear that you are out of that situation SadWife.

No, no external provocation needed for someone who is BPD.  Ever deal with a very young infant that screams and carries on for no reason you can find?  They aren't hungry, wet, gassy or anything.  You pick them up and carry them around and they calm down a tiny bit, but after a minute they are screaming in your ear.  Colic?  Some of my exH's rages were like that.  As a matter of fact, he seemed to create reasons to get upset.  The more calm and reasonable the household was, the more likely a weird, lightning strike rage was.

[SadWifeofBPD]

The more calm and reasonable the household was, the more likely a weird, lightning strike rage was.

Exactly.  It's like they can't handle calm... . they need to stir the pot.

[SadWifeofBPD]

A few other things I've noticed with my BPDH... .

1)  If my kids and I are having a "back and forth" debate, that bothers H.  He thinks that is "fighting".  And, he'll make critical comments.  He'll say that we (the kids and I) fight as much as he does... . yet he doesn't see the difference between adults having a "give and take" with opposing opinions and his raging episodes.  He'll also say that he doesn't understand how the boys and I can have a disagreement and then just go on as if nothing happened.  Well, that's because we don't take things to a personal level.  We don't insult, call names, etc.  When the kids and I are "debating," we're all just trying to get to the truth.  If one of us can look up data to find the real answer, then super.  We're all happy to learn what the truth is.  No hard feelings.  H isn't able to "learn the truth" (if he's wrong) without having hard feelings.

2)  H thinks all "confrontations" are arguments.  One day a waiter brought me beef fajitas instead of chicken.  When I mentioned the mistake, the waiter checked and came back and said that the chef only made this one.  So, I said, fine, and proceeded to eat the beef fajitas.  Then the waiter came back and said, "oh, that dish was supposed to go to another customer and wanted to take MY dish and give it to someone else (i had eaten from it!).  So, I told the waiter, "no, you can't take a served dish, that's a health code violation."  The waiter must have been new, because he didn't believe me.  I firmly, but NICELY, explained that served food cannot be reserved. That's the law.  So, the waiter had to have another beef fajitas made for the other customer.  Later, my H said that I 'fight with people" and used that situation as an example.


So, it's weird.  H thinks all confrontations are the "same" (black and white thinking).  He thinks that an adult "give and take" civil discussion is "bad," and that people should be upset afterwards.  He thinks that his rages are "ok" because they are justified because of his "huge level of hurt."

Weird!

[sad but wiser]

Is your husband passive-aggressive?  Children raised in homes where they are not allowed to express opinions or emotions in any way often end up like that.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Oh... . and if I leave the house to get away from this... . my kids say that he'll be in the bedroom literally yelling at the walls... . so he's yelling at no one... . but he will be saying my name (with bad words, etc).  

A few times, he has thought that I was in a bedroom, and he's stood outside the door and raged for over an hour.  Our kids told me later.  They didn't bother to tell him that I wasn't in that room.  They thought it was crazy that he was literally yelling at a door to an empty bedroom.  

This isn't exactly "having a fight" though.     This is him sitting alone in the house and raging to himself while you left and took care of yourself!  

What I meant was that he will start the fight, he'll be the only one saying anything, I will then leave, and he continues... . all done by himself.

[sad but wiser]

Ok - that is really weird!  Mine needed to follow me around to continue his fight.  No audience = no drama.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Is your husband passive-aggressive?  Children raised in homes where they are not allowed to express opinions or emotions in any way often end up like that.

He may not be PA in the traditional sense, but he does engage in "tit for tat"  and does do somethings that seem PA.

Their dad didn't allow them to express opposing positions, but since my H was a problem child, he probably did rage at times.

Is there a thread that defines PA behavior?

[sad but wiser]

Sad wife - I've seen PA mentioned in several threads here, but you can read about these behaviors just by doing a web search and finding reputable sites.  That is how I figured out the BPD and OCPD - they fit perfectly, like textbook examples. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

Ok - that is really weird!  Mine needed to follow me around to continue his fight.  No audience = no drama.

Yes, H followed me around as well.  Sometimes I would have to leave the house just to get away. 

I had tried to implement a "time out" rule, but H was too immature to follow it.  Then he would abuse it during an attempt at a discussion by saying 'his side" first, and then saying "time out" so that I couldn't have my turn.

That was another problem.  H always insisted on "going first" during any discussion.  Then he'd either call "time out" so that I couldn't have a turn OR he'd then severely limit what I could talk about when it was my turn, such as: "You can only answer "yes" or "no" to what I just said."   He wouldn't permit me to bring up any of my own issues.   (ha, and he said that I was the control freak!)

When we tried marriage counselors, I would tell the T that I never get a chance to talk.  Each time the T would say, "oh, you'll have a fair turn in my office."   Yet, the T would end up arguing with H because H would interupt me constantly, shout me down, say that I was lying, etc, just to prevent me from saying "my side."  The T's would end up saying that the meetings couldn't continue because they needed to be able to "manage" the sessions.  The last marriage counselor we had told H that he (the T) was scared of my H and told H that he couldn't come back to his office.  My H blamed me for that. 

I think the main reason H will not let me talk is because he fears what I will say.  He desperately does not want to be shown that he's wrong.  He has literally locked himself in the bathroom to escape being shown hard evidence that one of his accusations made to me was wrong (the incident involved a credit card statement).  H locked himself into the bathroom so that I couldn't show him the credit card statement proving that I was innocent of his accusations (the charges weren't mine, they were from our child who was away at college, and the charged showed the city/state of the charges. ) 

[VeryFree]

It doesn't take two to start a fight, especially not when one of two is a BPD.

However it does take two to continue a fight!

[sad but wiser]

Sad wife - Yes, that was the same with my H.  I could rarely get a word in edgewise and he could never get to a real point in a monologue.   Needless to say, these lasted for hours every single day!  Occasionally, he would take a deep breath and say, "Oh God, help me! How do I end this conversation?"  It was this bizarre need to torture both himself and me with these rant/rambles.  He was caught in a cage of his own making, but he wanted me in there with him, with his fear, with his self-made prison.  I could never help him enough, never.   I can't decide if I feel terribly sorry for him or completely disgusted by him.  The "valley of the shadow" is only meant to be passed through, not as a permanent campground.

[SadWifeofBPD]

It doesn't take two to start a fight, especially not when one of two is a BPD.

However it does take two to continue a fight!

No.  Because I've been a "prisoner" in a car on the interstate and I was saying NOTHING, but H would rage and go "on and on".    I even crawled into the back seat and covered my head with my coat, but he continued.   So, no, a pwBPD can continue a fight all by himself. 

[VeryFree]

Hi sadwife

Imho that isn't a fight. That's a beating.  :'(

[SadWifeofBPD]

Hi sadwife

Imho that isn't a fight. That's a beating.  :'(

Guess so, without the physical part.  Being a "captive audience" in a car on an interstate while the driver is raging is awful. 

But my point still stands that pwBPD can fight/rage all by themselves. 

[VeryFree]

I see what you mean.

[Kwamina]

Hi SadWifeofBPD,

I experienced something that's kinda like what you're talking about. Two days ago we were watching television (Homeland) and my uBPD sister started picking a fight with one of the tv characters. She called some woman on that show a stupid btch, the tone of her voice was very mean and angry. My sister hated that woman because she was jeopardizing a mission. A little later my sister sneered that this is why so many missions go wrong, stupid actions by stupid people like this. It didn't go on for hours but it was still a little strange.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Hi SadWifeofBPD,

I experienced something that's kinda like what you're talking about. Two days ago we were watching television (Homeland) and my uBPD sister started picking a fight with one of the tv characters. She called some woman on that show a stupid btch, the tone of her voice was very mean and angry. My sister hated that woman because she was jeopardizing a mission. A little later my sister sneered that this is why so many missions go wrong, stupid actions by stupid people like this. It didn't go on for hours but it was still a little strange.

I know what you mean.  When the TV is on and some political figure is speakiing and H dislikes their political views, H will yell "liar" at the TV and start ranting.  Then he'll insist that we change the channel so that he doesn't have to hear an opposing viewpoint.  Only his viewpoint is acceptable.