Is severe nosiness a common trait?

[LuckyEscapee]

My udexBPDbf is completely obsessed by knowing everything about everybody. During our relationship he used to need to know everything about any of my friends he met, down to the size of their pay check. I used to feel very uncomfortable about this and was often forced to respond with "I have no idea?". Also facebook is his idea of heaven as he can keep tabs on everyone.

I explained it away at the time by thinking that his insecurities (he was super insecure deep down) made him constantly compare himself to others, especially in terms of success and progress. He used to be jealous of people who he considered were more advanced at a similar age to him.

He has this insatiable desire to know stuff about me, except since he painted me black and left town, I shut the majority of information links relating to me down. He still goes out of his way to enquire through common work contacts, but the well of information is fairly dry for him. I am very private now, and I believe this is driving his repeat attempts to engage me in contact. 

I don't think he is interested in me anymore (if he ever was), but the information void is killing him.

I have made it crystal clear I want absolutely zero more to do with him, pointed out that he has moved on and is engaged to be married, pointed out that anything I do or not do is none of his business, and likewise his life is none of my business anymore. 

Any idea why information is almost an addiction? Is this a common trait?

[No Black Tie Man]

I always thought it was a search for ammunition, but I think it is really just a symptom of their lack of boundaries.

[Hurt llama]

I have not noticed this trait in my undiagnosed BPD ex gf... she's a bit different than most I read about here... . doesn't get really emotional, very soothing voice and never yells either... but she gets icy as hell and can press my buttons like no one I've ever met... . except maybe my mother... . wait!

I think my ex is too wrapped up in herself to care much about any body in detail.

I will say that I have learned that anything I do say about anybody in the negative, for whatever justification often comes back to haunt me! I've learned this is not unusual as it can make them insecure...

[ScotisGone74]

I would agree it is part of their lack of having any type of boundaries, but also they use it to enmesh us at the same time.  In addition they can use this information at the most opportune times to inflict damage upon us when they want to manipulate us or devalue us.  Sheesh-mine wanted to know who I had as my beneficiary on my life insurance policy and if I had a living will-she wanted me to put her name on those months after we had been together-and threw fits for me to do this-of course I didn't-another one of those what the hell was I thinking doing with this person moments looking back on it. 

[Whitefang]

This hits home.  Mine was the worst at wanting to know everything abt everybody, even those she had no interest in except to have ammo in reserve.  She saves everything, correspondence, records calls, collects pictures, etc.  Will befriend anyone just to admit "getting info".  Yes, she did this when we were together too.  Made no sense to me and creeper me out.  In fact, she confessed yrs later to spying on me to check me out a few mos prior to first approaching me.  In which case, she had whipped up a victim story abt some guy harassing her & needed "help".  Put  my rescuer gears in motion.  

Back to your topic, my BPDex supposedly has such contempt for me "ruining" her life, but continues stalking me, finding any online acct I have & just sent a msg to one of my new friends yesterday.  Introduced herself & just said hi.   My friend was like What the heck?   I'm done explaining my whole history or defending myself to ppl I barely know.  Finally, some are beginning to understand it's not me who's crazy.

So if anybody can answer why they may do this, keep tabs long after the fact & if they've made it clear that want nothing to do with us once discarded, I'd like the answers myself.   How long will they DO this crap?   Thanks

[charred]

I am leaning toward it being a search for ammo.

My exBPDgf did same thing... and anything and everything that could be used in an argument, or to bully, or paint black, eventually was used for those purposes. Can't see any other reason. Mine would share info I didn't care the least about and then all but demand that I reciprocate... which is a manipulative use of the norm of reciprocity.

They are practiced/professional manipulators... to excel at that you need some ammo... . I can't attribute it to them genuinely caring.

[Mightyhammers]

my exgf hated, HATED, surprises. She had to know what it was

[Ruthy2]

I can relate with this one!

Anyone we used to meet he would interigate, so embarrasing at times. Very strange trait when they are such secretive people.

As to why they want to know the in and outs of everyone lives, Im not sure, as for the ammo reason that wouldnt apply here as some of these people were complete strangers and some he would possibly never see again.

[lost007]

Oh my goodness. This trait wore me out. Had to know every detail. I think so that she could find a reason to dysregulate. Any situation she would seek detail and nose in to the point of obsession and discomfort. If called out on it she would fly into a rage. There are most certainly boundary issues here. There are just things that are wrong. But trying to convince your BPD partner? Good luck with that.

[marbleloser]

"Keep your friends close,but keep your enemies closer"

What better way to use people than to know their secrets? It keeps them in fear.

[mango_flower]

Agree with all of this:

1) No boundaries

2) A way of getting closer to people, keeping them close

3) Paranoid I'd leave her (never would have done) so obviously checking up on what I was doing! (which was nothing at all, just chatting to friends about sport, work, etc etc!)

I feel boring - she could never find any dirt on me haha x

[LuckyEscapee]

Ok this now making a lot more sense ... . ammunition.

He has no idea how to manipulate or enmesh me again, if he doesn't have anything to work with does he? He is lost without a constant stream of info, because he never really knew or understood me in the first place. It's a bit like them fake psychics cold-reading people.

Wow thanks guys   I just love this forum. You all help me get the last remains of the BPD chewing gum from outta my brains 

[VeryFree]

 Yes, in my case.

First thing I noticed was that she was checking out my mail and looking at which websites I visited.

Didn't see any harm in that back then.

Ten years later I know that she kept track of everythingmy life: from going to my private stuff on a daily basis to keeping away private mail

Once I put oa camera on my desk. Hilareous outcome if it wasn't that sad.:he was looking through ALL my stuff,.

Confronted with this she firstvdenied and then said I had a big psych problem for putting down a camera.

Yep: I'm covered with fleas LOL

[mtmc01]

I wish I could say she was the only one who did this in our relationship. She had to know everything about my friends she'd meet, immediately friend them on facebook, and start having facebook convos with them as if they were old friends... . and it was pretty much all with male friends. Then, if I ever mentioned any female I dated or even knew, she HAD to see pictures of them and know everything about them. She had to know where I was 24/7. The thing is, I NEVER gave her any reason to be paranoid, so it didn't get any worse than that. I was so, so loyal to her, never badmouthed her to anyone, never tried to befriend all of her female friends and have to chat with them the way she did with all my male friends, hardly even talked to ANY other women. But, I was paranoid myself. When she once left her FB open on my computer, I came across a convo with some random guy I'd never heard of discussing how we were fighting and things like that. And it was some stupid really inconsequential argument that was immediately resolved. So, I started getting paranoid and digging more. And I'd always find something inappropriate... . she never acted on anything, but she would tell people things about our relationship who had no business knowing, things like that. She once even talked about threesomes with some guy and let him tell her she was too young to be settling down and she didn't exactly put up much of a fight. So I'd like to find anyone that could read that kind of garbage and not get paranoid. But anyways... .

[charred]

I wish I could say she was the only one who did this in our relationship. She had to know everything about my friends she'd meet, immediately friend them on facebook, and start having facebook convos with them as if they were old friends... . and it was pretty much all with male friends. Then, if I ever mentioned any female I dated or even knew, she HAD to see pictures of them and know everything about them. She had to know where I was 24/7. The thing is, I NEVER gave her any reason to be paranoid, so it didn't get any worse than that. I was so, so loyal to her, never badmouthed her to anyone, never tried to befriend all of her female friends and have to chat with them the way she did with all my male friends, hardly even talked to ANY other women. But, I was paranoid myself. When she once left her FB open on my computer, I came across a convo with some random guy I'd never heard of discussing how we were fighting and things like that. And it was some stupid really inconsequential argument that was immediately resolved. So, I started getting paranoid and digging more. And I'd always find something inappropriate... . she never acted on anything, but she would tell people things about our relationship who had no business knowing, things like that. She once even talked about threesomes with some guy and let him tell her she was too young to be settling down and she didn't exactly put up much of a fight. So I'd like to find anyone that could read that kind of garbage and not get paranoid. But anyways... .

Innapropriate disclosures of information... . oh yeah. I remember having an argument and her saying that she asked a bunch of guys and none agreed with me on something (it was personal and between us)... after a while I asked if she took a poll on each thing we did, it was so bad. But clearly nothing was private between us. Anything said to her was likely to come up in an argument.

She wanted to meet my exwife, and I said "bad idea"... so she googled her and found a business she was involved with, and got her cell phone number. While later she was pissed, so calls up and gives my exwife a piece of her mind... then there was back and forth texts and nasty stuff for over a year. She claimed my exwife was a danger to her, and that I should protect her from her. She claimed all kinds of threats, I asked her to show me... nothing. My exwife said same thing, asked her... and she showed me about 75. Didn't take long to figure out who was lying.

[Cumulus]

It was so much more then nosiness. It was intrusive and controlling. I couldn't leave a personal note or my journal around ever. He loved face book and would spend hours looking up people he or I barely knew. He would inappropriately look through others stuff in their homes. I could go on and on. But what was hard was the paranoid feelings I was left with after we separated. I felt like he had been in my brain and knew everything. I felt like he heard whatever I said on the phone or could read what I wrote in my email. I felt like he was always watching me. It was frightening, so much so I threw away my computer and phone and got new ones, set up a camera security system and had my locks changed. It helped some but the feeling that he could somehow see into my life persisted for over a year.

[LuckyEscapee]

But I am pretty certain there is a key logger on my PC.

Yikes   this would be very up his street!

How can you tell?

[DragoN]

Luckyescapee,

I can't be sure, but my PC has some weird activity in the firewall and my C drive crams up and I can't ever clean it. Like a small background program that fires information to be downloaded somewhere else. The odd time I open my email, what is clearly boring, isn't touched, but the SPAM folder gets junk and, in there something that look like it could have been from someone real, it had been opened. Not by me.

When my husband was here, I told him about the problem, but he didn't seem overly concerned at all. He even tried to "help" me clear it off. I deleted the entire Windows directory and my PC was still running fine. Very odd. It seems he many have partitioned the drive. I don't know. I am not a PC guru, but what I know of him, I don't put it past him. He has no peace if he doesn't know "everything".

I feel boring - she could never find any dirt on me

Did it stop accusations though? Mine didn't / doesn't need dirt to cook up a vile story and accusations.

In the early years, it was a 48 hour cycle of accusations. It was unbelievable. Currently, it is a rarity. However, if I am on the computer, he will come up the stairs every once in a while with a foolish accusation. Twisted thinking. If they are not the center of your attention, you are by default doing something wrong.

My husband would go through my temp files looking for anything.  

[Whitefang]

My BPDex also had "need" to have a say with my ex wife.  It was almost like she was jealous of anybody prior to even meeting her.   

I had to take pics of what I was wearing if I was going out without her.   She contacted a girl I dated when i was 15yrs old!   Of course, she later registered on my classmates alumni site under a fake name just to blab what a "dangerous a$$hole" I am after the BPD vengeance switch.  My 25th reunion is coming up & I will never face those ppl again! 

So yeah, the extent of their "nosiness" /severe lack of boundaries knows no limits in my experience.  Despite the fact I've been NC (finally sticking), I still seem to get nothing but worse in her eyes.  The disproportionate guilt she's tried to cast on me is unreal.  There was a time she gave me something to love (I thought) but it's been overrun by the victorious BPD. Bc of the personal nature of the smear campaign, I hate the fact I spent yrs leading her up with "ammo".   

[Clearmind]

So if anybody can answer why they may do this, keep tabs long after the fact & if they've made it clear that want nothing to do with us once discarded, I'd like the answers myself.   How long will they DO this crap?   Thanks

Lack of boundaries is common and Borderlines have spent a lifetime feeling misunderstood - feelings of insecurity run very deep. Knowledge may provide a sense of power - because they feel so powerless.

Borderlines have intense shame - they want to believe that it all wasn't their fault. Information gathering is a way of collecting data - to relieve themselves of feeling shameful.

Borderlines do blame themselves.

hit_

We can actually see it from their perspective quite easily by looking at own actions.

We are posting here on bpdfamily sharing stories and collecting our own data about our relationships/BPD - looking for similarities in our stories - we do this to shed some of the shame/blame we feel for the demise of the relationship. Isn't it the same thing?

[charred]

The nosiness is insane. My exBPDgf... anyone that was on FB she wanted to know about, then after we finally were broke up, she kept checking my family's FB pages (they are public... they don't care who sees them)... and anything posted by my relatives is commented on/copied or posted by my pwBPD. She has 2 FB accounts and one was just for my benefit... told my sister that and she said I was the crazy one, so I blocked my FB pages, within 10 mins, my pwBPD had hers blocked... did some other things and my sister saw her responding... after a few days... sister agreed and said my pwBPD is nuts.

We have been broke up about a year now, and in that time I saw her once (told her it was for closure and I stuck to it.) Still her FB page has comments about how silence kills a relationship, and lots of memes about soulmates, and reposts of whatever my mom/sister put out... . minutes later often.

In my case her behavior often was clearly stalking... . is that common, or am I just taking the absolute lack of boundaries wrong. I have said many times, the only other person I know of with same actions is Jodi Arias.

[jaird]

Yes, it seems to be. So many common stories. I wonder if it's not part of the mirroring, which my new T who has a lot of experience with BPDs says is not really mirroring but "meshing" with the new partner.

I have read that people with BPD open up to their partners about private matters, and this creates a sense of trust with the partner, who then opens up themselves.

Boundaries were a huge issue for us, but I wonder if there isn't more to it. I wonder if it is not in fact gathering ammo, as they may realize consciously or subconsciously that someday they will become bored, hurt, afraid of the intimacy, want a change of partner, or whatever. I wonder now, despite all my ex said about soulmates and being together forever, if she in fact knew it would not last. All the little facts and trivia they have gathered can help them split the partner and paint them black.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Agree with all of this:

1) No boundaries

2) A way of getting closer to people, keeping them close

3) Paranoid I'd leave her (never would have done) so obviously checking up on what I was doing! (which was nothing at all, just chatting to friends about sport, work, etc etc!)

I feel boring - she could never find any dirt on me haha x

Wow... .   my H is the opposite.  He rarely knows any details about most people.  I find it shocking how little he knows about coworkers.  If someone has a baby, he won't know the sex, won't know if it's a first baby, etc.  I think it's because when he's in social settings, he's doing most of the talking.   


I wonder if some of these questions that some of these BPDs are asking is simply nervous energy?  I realize that some do use the info against the person (My H has done that to me). 

[LuckyEscapee]

Actually you make a good point, and one that makes me think about this a bit more.

My exBPD was intensely nosy with certain people particularly. Others he rarely acknowledged. Even with me, during the early days he was incredibly attentive and I was impressed at his 'listening' skills. Once I was 'on-side' he didn't bother, and later I'd be shocked when he couldn't even remember my siblings names! I was then more a conduit for information about others. Then I got painted black and had my inner most secrets thrown back at me! Makes a good case for the ammunition theory.

He uses people, and knowledge is power for doing that.

Now I am out of his reach, and very private, he wants to know about me again, wants to be friends. Tries all his tricks to manipulate my emotions, and is confused when I don't react.

Thank the heavens for this forum, it has saved me from a mountain more misery! 

[SadWifeofBPD]

and later I'd be shocked when he couldn't even remember my siblings names! I

My H, who prides himself on various trivia info (sports, entertainment, etc) would have to ask me what his siblings' children's names were before he called his siblings.  What the heck!  He couldn't be bothered to learn his siblings' children's names?

He rarely asked people just normal questions. When he'd get off the phone with a sibling, I'd ask things like, "where is Johnny going to college next year?" And, H would say that he never asked.  Frankly, he never asked anything.  He'd really just talk about things that interested him. 

The only time he'd show any interest in anyone is if they had an illness.  Then he'd play Dr. Google to "show off" and try to diagnose what they had. 

[hithere]

Yes, she lived for gossip!

I think she used to look for a few things,

People that were struggling in their marriage or financially to make her self feel superior and also so she could tell herself that everyone had chaos in their life and her chaos was normal.  Many times she said she wished there was secret cameras in everyones home so she could watch them.