Another example of confusion and hurt.

[Dave44]

Hi everyone. Feel like venting about something I need to get off my chest. As some of you may already know when my ex brutally and coldly dumped me she cut me out of her life in every way shape and form. It's been 4 months and I haven't heard a single peep from her.

As to be expected she immediately defriended and blocked me on facebook. Yea, that hurt but I wasn't surprised. However I also had her 8 year old daughter on my FB as well (not that I personally think an 8 year old should have FB but that's another story). My ex monitored her account regularly snd she only had about 10 friends, mostly family. I was immediately defriended from her daughters as well. I wasn't blocked but I was defriended. I was very close with both her daughters, they absolutely adored me. I can understand my ex taking me off her FB, but her daughters? That hurt.

Here's where it hurts even more though. One of my ex's ex's whom she dated previously in the year (who I actually got in touch with only to find out she pulled the same thing with him) was also friends with her daughter on FB. While my ex no longer had him on her FB she never took him off her daughters? I was MUCH closer to her kids than he was. They wanted to call me dad!

While dating my ex, on several occasions I was told from both her sister and her parents "I've never seen "xxxxx" this happy... . ever." Now, if she was 22 I wouldn't have taken that comment so seriously but at 37 to be told that they had never seen her this happy meant something. It just all adds to to the pain. Here's  the guy that she's happier with than anyone before yet she ends up cutting me out of her life more so than anyone else previously? Right down to taking me of her daughters FB while one of her previous ex's remains one of the 10 "friends" her daughter has. I DON'T GET IT!  What a slap in the face.

[theboro504]

Hi Dave, I also heard the "she seems so different with you, she seems to glow and she looks so happy"... . go figure. Mine was 47 and these were people who have known her most of her life.

[Dave44]

I'm so angry and so frustrated. Why has she cut me out of her life to a degree like non before? Why can't I keep in touch with her kids that absolutely adored me yet that other ex who she was no where near as close to can still be "friends" with on FB? They didn't even live together like we did? I'm very hurt by this.

[mango_flower]

Dave - just a thought - it's possibly BECAUSE she was so happy with you, any looking back would be too painful.  The other guy didn't mean as much, so it doesn't matter as much if he gets in touch via her daughter.  She may not want to risk that with you, as she is in the denial, denial, denial phase.  Ignore you and hopes she doesn't have to face the pain.

P.S I too was told by her oldest friend that she had never seen my ex so happy as when she had met me... . it's a killer.  Just makes you ask WHY? x

[Dave44]

Dave - just a thought - it's possibly BECAUSE she was so happy with you, any looking back would be too painful.  The other guy didn't mean as much, so it doesn't matter as much if he gets in touch via her daughter.  She may not want to risk that with you, as she is in the denial, denial, denial phase.  Ignore you and hopes she doesn't have to face the pain.

P.S I too was told by her oldest friend that she had never seen my ex so happy as when she had met me... . it's a killer.  Just makes you ask WHY? x

Hmm... . that's an interesting point actually. One that never occurred to me either. I think you could be on to something here. Thanks a lot for taking the time to comment.

[recoil]

I would agree.  You got closer than anyone else has.  Doesn't mean the outcome was going to be different, unfortunately.

[sunrising]

Mango Flower did make a great point.  pwBPD have a severe fear of abandonment.  The fear of abandonment is, logically (unlike much else about the disorder), more intense when the pwBPD is especially concerned about losing someone.  The tragic irony is that the more important (needed) you are to the pwBPD, the more likely they are to run you off.  It is probably difficult/ impossible for your ex to manage the feelings of guilt and shame she has toward herself for causing the very abandonment she most feared.   It's a terrible and repeated self-fulfilling prophecy for pwBPD. 

Don't rule out the possibility that your ex will unblock you and/or try to contact you at some point.    What would you do if that happened?

[findingmyselfagain]

Fear of intimacy is a huge part of the borderline disorder. Something they crave but also deeply fear. Paradoxically when things are going the greatest they believe they have the most to lose! It's a no-win for us nons. Mine had a very young toddler who called me "daddy." I spent countless hours keeping her attention while mom did whatever, chasing her around the sanctuary after church, reading bedtime stories to her, bathing her, buying her food and clothes. Then she became upset with me when I kept pictures of her up on my FB page. She was the one who pushed for the toddler to call me "daddy." I was in a severe depression for a long time afterwards. Thankfully I've pushed through even though it's taken a long time. I would never want to go back to risk the destruction again. I sometimes wonder what I'd do if I saw her even though I live in a large city. I have to admit I'd probably RUN the other way, and that's probably the smart thing to do!

[Louise7777]

From what I have been exposed of BPD behaviour, Id say its a way of controlling and hurting you. Dont forget they take great pains for revenge... . No matter if she hurts her kids in the process, as long as she gets to you its fine!

[Dave44]

Mango Flower did make a great point.  pwBPD have a severe fear of abandonment.  The fear of abandonment is, logically (unlike much else about the disorder), more intense when the pwBPD is especially concerned about losing someone.  The tragic irony is that the more important (needed) you are to the pwBPD, the more likely they are to run you off.  It is probably difficult/ impossible for your ex to manage the feelings of guilt and shame she has toward herself for causing the very abandonment she most feared.   It's a terrible and repeated self-fulfilling prophecy for pwBPD. 

Don't rule out the possibility that your ex will unblock you and/or try to contact you at some point.    What would you do if that happened?

She will never come back... . ever. That's something I'd bet any amount of money on. Especially if what you say is true about them not being able to face the shame. The way my ex ended it kicking me out 27 days after moving in with her after giving up everything but my TV and clothes leaving me homeless and in a hotel will ensure that she will NEVER be able to speak to me again let alone recycle me. She also kept a very, very sentimental item of mine from my deceased mother that she would not return. Yet another incredibly evil thing she would never be able to live up to - or even explain for that matter. Trust me when I say this... . I will NEVER hear from her again.

[Seb]

Dave, I'm in the same boat as you, and its devastating and very confusing. My ex has wiped every existence of me from her life too, and I know where you're coming from when you say it hurts so much to feel used and discarded like this.

I agree with what has been said by mango and the others. I was the closest my ex has ever been to anyone... .   yet I'm the only one she has ever cut out completely. She was so terrified of me leaving her, she'd never been that close to anyone, or loved anyone as she loved me... .   yet I'm the only one who she no longer speaks to. She had an ex who was a fling, and she and a few other girls were constantly circling the whole time we were together. I didn't understand at the time that this was manipulation on her part. It was very confusing... .   how come she was madly in love with me, yet lied and triangulated with back-ups? If I'd had a better self-esteem I would have walked away because I deserve more. As it is, this just exposed my low self-esteem. I was worried I'd never find anyone who loved me as much as she did. Now, the cruel joke is, I doubt she ever loved me at all.

I do believe that the closer you are, the more they feel they have to lose. The anxiety mounts when we become close and important to them, and their disordered feelings begin to surface... .   and they start to act out in inexplicable ways. We can't see it at the time, but the disorder starts to take over and they can't help but sabotage important relationships. My ex was terrified I'd leave her. I tried to comfort her, and reassure her I wasn't going anywhere. But as it is, she dumped me and hasn't wanted anything to do with me since.  

I was deleted off facebook, etc, and she hasn't looked back. I'm the only girl she's ever done this too. Even her ex-boyfriend of 3 years, who tried to kill himself when she dumped him, is still on her facebook. All of the other girls are still 'friends'.

She didn't block me, and I know she has blocked people in the past. This is a function she's aware of, and she knows all about privacy settings... .   yet she hasn't blocked me and continues to post certain things publicly, like how happy she is, what a great time she's having, and checking-in in exotic locations, all publicly. I see some posts sometimes, where the periphery girls still post and 'like' things... .   and all I feel now is that I'm glad to be out of that mess. They're welcome to her and her drama. She will never make them happy, and her them. She is messed up, and as she is, the person she's showing herself to be, she isn't the one for me.

Same goes with your ex, Dave. You deserve better. You don't need someone who needs looking after. You deserve an adult, respectful and trusting relationship. Would you want to consign yourself to a caretakers role, with someone who can't fully love you and accept your love?

It's hard... .   I get it. But it's a disorder, you've got to realise that no matter what you did, the r/s would have always ended this way. It's like a plaster (band aid)... .   Rip it off quickly and get it over and done with. It is so pointless hanging on to a glimmer of hope when they're not willing to accept that they're unwell. Your ex and mine, they're survivors, and they'll drown you and I in the process of saving themselves.

Be patient and kind to yourself - something I think we all need to learn to do here. Show yourself some of the compassion that you've given to your ex. You will get there and be a better, healthier person because of it.

[Consumed]

The behavior and treatment I received showed absolutely without a dought that "love" was not the feelings and emotions she experienced for me on a daily basis. The games with FB and any other form of communication was all about her and how she could manipulate and control; probably not on purpose. That's just how she copes with her life. Not seeing her 5yr boy (My Buddy) has ripped my guts out. That was something I have to accept. It's all about her. Her feelings (getting hurt), her pride, how it all effects her. Even her children, not what's good for them, but what is she going to look like. How will it effect her. I was the knight in shining armour also. "Never had someone that understood me like you",,"you actually listen"... .   "Never felt so safe"... .   blah blah blah. I don't mean to sound sarcastric or insensitive, those words just always preceded a major screaming session within minutes. Those words don't mean anything anymore. I believe she truly felt that way when she was saying them, there was just not enough consistency to actually call it real honest love. Love was always based on how she felt at the moment, not on who I am as a person, and even that opinion changed from minute to minute. Going on 3 months ago, I finally stopped the bleeding and said goodbye. Not that I wanted to. I just looked at being treated like her worst enemy for more than 50% of the time way overshadowed anything she could say to the contrary. I believe "LOVE" is a verb, and I tried to prove that to her every day. I wish I could change it all, but that's not going to happen and I have to accept that. I had to block any forms of communication (recommended from here) and start healing. I did get caught up in her "ex's" being on her FB or seeing a pic of them or whatever and it all has to not matter to me, for my sanity. She doesn't think from a head of reason or logic so I have to, or at least try. Logic and reason tells me I have to leave it alone 100%. I am worth it... .   I am trying to believe that also    Thanks for letting me share all that.    Dave if you know she's never coming back, you have a great start, because that's what a lot of us are afraid of... .   her coming back! and dealing with it (or not dealing with it) the same way we always have. I had to start thinking with my brain, not my emotions. My emotions will take control and make decisions for me that I regret.