Me, my kids and stbxBPDw's new bf

[theirdad]

Ok this post is just a vent.  Separated from BPDw a few months ago, divorce in progress.  I keep hearing from my D4 how her and younger brother are out doing things with stbx and her new bf.  Now I know this is just Life, people get divorced, families are broken up and people move on-personality disorders or not.   So "get over it" right? I know. Still, it doesn't feel good. Our r/s recycled once before and within a week or two she brought a new guy in immediately and I had to listen my D tell me how much she loved him.  Anyway, it just feels bad and wanted to share it as I haven't really anyone I'm comfortable saying any of this to.  Thanks for reading.  Any thoughts, similar experiences are appreciated.

   

[marbleloser]

There's something very wrong with a parent who introduces kiddos to their new bf/gf so soon.You said you've only been seperated a few months,yet she's already doing that.Mine did the same.Multiple guys from dating sites she met.

To me,that puts the children at risk.I don't introduce our kids to strangers,and that's what people on dating sites are until you get to know them,well.Getting to know someone takes time.A lot of time.

The way you combat this is,spend as much time with your kids as you possibly can.It's not about her,it's about the kids.She'll try to push you out of their lives and replace you.In her mind,it's ok,you're just a financial means now,not a dad.

If she's having this guy overnight,with the kids home,the courts don't think highly of that.Take this time to work on your strategy for divorce.Document any behaviour such as this.

You also might think of therapy for the kids.They're confused at the moment.Don't take their comments to heart.They're just kids.

[theirdad]

Thanks marbleloser for your thoughts.  I agree with you.  your perspective helps.

[maria1]

I agree with Marbleloser

I think it can be tempting to do the same thing with finding a new partner because it's very hard to parent on your own. I introduced boyfriends into my children's lives too soon (even though I waited much longer) because I was desperate for a 'happy family' and a healthy role model father figure for them. I've learned that what my kids desperately need is ME to be consistent and absolutely there for them. Their father isn't BPD but his partner is an alcoholic and all my children want is their father.

My BPDex plays happy families with each new girlfriend since me (2 of them in 8 months). His son's mother has a new boyfriend. The son is utterly distraught and BPDex knows it but keeps on bringing new ones in absolutely sure at the beginning that it's going to be great.

Stay constant and stay strong. Your children will thank you for it and they really need you to be.

[theirdad]

Thanks Maria

[scraps66]

Dealing with this myself too.  I just tell myself it's the sickness.  It's sick that a BP will not support the biological parent, but then treat the new bf/gf as gold out of spite.  Messes with the kids bad too and in ways that don't show up immediately.  I call it "preying" on their emotions.

[Somewhere]

If you think the kids are at risk, you can always request a CPS (Child Protective Services, or whatever your area has) investigation.

Better to call and get things checked out rather than fail the kids.

[Thunderstruck]

I think that's just a common trait of the pwBPD. They can't be alone. My SO's D8 told us that her mom has three boyfriends currently. 

[newlymarried]

My DH's BPDxw had 6 "stepdaddies" in the space of 6 months. I think it is what they do.

[nak]

I know how you feel. It's good to share it and let it out. My uxBPDgf is already engaged and we separated 4 mos ago.

[Free One]

My BPDex plays happy families with each new girlfriend since me (2 of them in 8 months). His son's mother has a new boyfriend. The son is utterly distraught and BPDex knows it but keeps on bringing new ones in absolutely sure at the beginning that it's going to be great.

Yes! That explains exactly how it feels my ex sees it. New gf, right off the bat everythings great, do family things together, have her pick up son from school, blah, blah, blah. Almost like he's trying to recapture the family we had. He is blind to how much this messes with his son who is still trying to heal and understand his mom and dad aren't getting back together.

[figtree33]

This seems to be an MO for anyone with BPD and children after any breakup. When my ex and I were in the process, decided to divorce then a little later go to counseling but divorced eventually, he did the same thing. Within 24 hours he was showing the girls pictures of 'friends' in bathing suits, etc... . He has had countless dates and all of them are introduced to the kids. Divorce was final almost two years ago and we were separated a year before. Since the papers were filed and it was official he has had 5 'serious' girlfriends. This last one has been almost 9 months, the longest out of all of them. All of these women had kids and they were introducing them right away as well, which also concerns me. My girls learned the hard way not to get attached to their new 'friends'. I have had to keep my dating top secret from them, and also from him because of the drama he likes to create. I am now at the point of being ready to share my relationship after dating a year without kids involved.

The kids want you to be the stable one while the other is pretending its GNO in Vegas. It's competely normal to feel that way. It can be mistaken for feelings of jealousy, but its really just the protective instincts as a parent coming out.

[Whichwayisup]

Thanks for the input,

What practical approaches would you guys suggest, I am going through exactly this, d3& d10 are spending quality time with me and I'm moving conversations into the realm of others not  controlling others emotions(an umbrella for Alex is great! When read with an adult). 

D10 told me mums new friend (she knows what he is without telling me) is "a bit hyper" but she is being bribed by promises of a new scooter etc.  s15 is not wanting to visit me with no reason given and seemingly under his mums spell and an emotional crutch when her new plaything isn't around (working away for a few days)... .

Is it simply a case of staying cool, consistent and letting them see things for themselves?  It's heartbreaking to feel this helpless... .

Whichwayisup

[broken3]

Dad,

In my situation I have two teenge daughters and a S10. Only a few weeks after the separation. My stbew brought her new friend around the kids.

It took a little bit for the kids to figure out.But eventually they did. They are smarter than you may think.

A month later she was thrown out, the kids live with me. And they resent her "friend". And also do hold some resentment toward their mum.

All that without one bad word being uttered by me.