uBPD mother?

[charlierose]

Hello all.

I grew up with my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, and younger sister. My family was very 'men are evil', and sort of treated men as work-horses. I grew up very sheltered (I stayed the night at places maybe less than 5 times until college) and had a very heavy chore load. We were basically (my sister and I) in charge of cleaning the entire house, caring for all of our animals (we lived in a small one story house and had 13 cats, 9 dogs, 2 fish tanks, a rabbit, the list continues... . my grandmother happened to be uBPD and a hoarder as well, so that is a whole other story) and doing a lot of the cooking. Basically, there was a LOT we had to do, and it was so annoying growing up - not being able to have friends over because you have to rub your moms feet and serve her ice cream every night. Additionally, if we did not do something correctly (load the dishwasher the right way, leave breadcrumbs under the toaster etc) we knew we had to prepare to be lectured for hours on end. These lectures would have my mother ranging in emotion from anger (towards us) to sadness (she would cry because she felt like she wasn't being 'treated' correctly by her children) and typically about an hour after the lecture ended she would apologize OR demand an 'adequate' apology. It had to sound sincere. We never said 'I Love You' or showed much physical emotion growing up, at all. It wasn't until the past few years (after my grandmother and great-grandmother both passed away)that she started using it via text and a few times in person. As a result of that (I presume) my sister and I were never that close either.


Once I graduated high school and went to college, the drama between us grew to it's height. I always just dealt with her outbursts and complains and insults and accusations, because I have been dealing with them for forever. I dated a few people who were shocked by things my mother would do or say, and couldn't stand being around her. She would threaten me often with the financial ties I still had with her (co-signing loans for school). There would be periods where we would get along great - usually these periods would coincide with her and my sister NOT getting along. I remember once she told me she may as well kill herself because she has 'no one in her life' because she was fighting with  my sister and I was not there either. One of us was the good guy and one of us was the bad guy, that's usually how it went.

Now, in my adult life, I have finally discovered what BPD is and everything is making much, much more sense. We had a very textbook interaction - we told her we were not sure what time we'd be at her house on Thanksgiving, which spiraled her into a world where we didn't care about her or family and if we weren't there at 6PM the world was going to be over. After a lot of arguing, I made the decision to not attend Thanksgiving. This (obviously) caused an issue and we stopped talking for a while. This is when I started reading about BPD. It's weird, when reading a lot of posts I feel like I'm reading about my life or my mother. But then, I feel bad because I think about how she has been very supportive of me in other ways. I was always very opinionated and different and she never tried to control me in that way. When I would make personal decisions she would not agree with, she would respect me at those times.

Currently, we are on a very artificial basis. My sister just had a baby (and I can see her slowly morphing into my mother and repeating the cycle) so I have decided to do what I need to to be around the family more. It's very surface level, no real emotion, mostly just me listening to her complain about how terrible her job is and how everyone there is terrible. That sort of thing.

It was because of forums like this that I was able to finally realize a lot of things about my childhood and my mother and I was able to take the steps to ensure that I do not repeat any patterns and to help the way I interact with her. It's still frustrating, but I am at a place now where I choose when to interact, so it is working out.

I read a lot of these posts and the mothers are very abusive physically, or have a bad addiction and I think maybe I'm off base. But then I remember everything else and the guilt kind of goes away.

Thanks for reading, any feedback would be appreciated!

[doubleAries]

Hi charlierose, and 

You've sure come to the right place! Boy, does that story sound familiar! My mother also is a BPD. I know what it's like. And i also know that sense of relief you are talking about when you finally learn what the actual problem is, and the pieces start falling into place.

We have lots of great resources available here--articles, videos, book reviews, workshops, chat groups--where you can learn lots more about the parameters of what you grew up with, and how to "unlearn" how it effected you. here's an article for example, How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children that may be informative for you. I also found this article (and the book it comes from) extremely helpful! BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

I see you are in contact with your sister, superficially, but not clear on whether you still have contact with your mother?

doubleAries

[charlierose]

I am superficially in contact with my mother because my sister had the baby. It's a difficult situation with the sister, because she financially depends on my mother and now there is a baby involved - so she seemingly has 'forgotten' or 'ignores' the fact that my mother has BPD. Everytime I see her, she is more and more like my mother. I really see her becoming my mother. It makes me sad, but I feel like I've done everything I can.

[Kwamina]

Hi charlierose! 

I understand why you're sad about your sister becoming more and more like your mother. But you really can't control her. It would only wear you out trying to make her change. It's her choice to live and act like that and she will only change if she herself wants too. Unfortunately we can't force our BPD relatives to change but what we can do is set clear boundaries with them to make things more bearable for us. Reading your story I see that you've already been setting boundaries with them.

[charlierose]

Yep. It is still so hard when you're the older sister though. You feel like maybe you could have 'fixed' or 'saved' her by being there more often or something.

[TryingToLive]

Charlierose,

I understand completely. I am currently living with my uBPD mother and that whole "saving" thing has controlled me for so many years and prevented me from having a life of my own. I read in a post where someone said that we have done the best we can and I think that's the most important thing to remember. We did what we could, but eventually there is nothing more we can do. And certainly we cannot do anything if we are being destroyed by it.

I love my mother, but I cannot save her. It's a sad thing to realize, but a huge relief. It's not my burden. My own life is.

[doubleAries]

charlierose,


When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

See you there!

doubleAries