I still don't understand how they do it.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am sure I am just venting, and looking for rational, logical reasons behind the disorder, when no rational or logical reasons exist.

But: How do they do all these things and think what they do is normal, real, decent or anything even close to normal?

I mean the splitting, the painting black, the lies, the distorted facts, the moving on so quickly with a new relationship, the assignment of all blame to the old partner.

I read the self help manuals on here. I've read a lot of things. I guess there's no answer. I'm just still confused. I guess I should just give up trying to understand something I just can't relate to.

[jaird]

I am sure I am just venting, and looking for rational, logical reasons behind the disorder, when no rational or logical reasons exist.

But: How do they do all these things and think what they do is normal, real, decent or anything even close to normal?

I mean the splitting, the painting black, the lies, the distorted facts, the moving on so quickly with a new relationship, the assignment of all blame to the old partner.

I read the self help manuals on here. I've read a lot of things. I guess there's no answer. I'm just still confused. I guess I should just give up trying to understand something I just can't relate to.

[tbone1689]

There really is no way to totally wrap you're head around how they can go on like they do, which after awhile I realized was a good thing, because it means you know what normal relating is and isn't.

But it still hurts because we likely cared about them so much.  The more I started reading on the boards and comparing my exBPDgf's words with her actions the more I could see that she was likely BPD.  That didn't mean I was any closer to understanding how she would be from day to day though, which was a blow to me because I have always prided myself on understanding others. 

Eventually these reflections helped me to look at myself and analyze why I end up with this type of partner.

Sometimes it may seem like you can get on track with the logic behind they're actions but eventually the spinning is too much for a logical person to comprehend.

[Surnia]

Jaird

my approach is the following: I remember moments in my life were I was overhelmed with feelings, like fear, anger, shame. For me shame is the strongest. In these moments I feel flooded. I cannot think clearly, I don't remember anything else than me and my feelings. I become hyper active, forget what I want to do ... . For me it is very sheldon to be flooded like this, so I need a while to find moments like this in my memory. And than I imagine that this is happen very easily within hours! So memory, perception, thinking, all is different.

I do not pretend I can feel like someone having BPD. This is my approach.

How are your coping with your own feelings? Or are you more rational thinking?

I am asking this bc. my T stated more than once that I am very rational. The understanding about BPD (feelings are facts) is giving me also a new light on my own emotions and how I am dealing with some of them.

[jj2121]

It's too difficult for me to understand, my ex blamed everything on her family and their problems. I said we were only together a few months if I was not your cup of tea just say. That is when it got confusing I suddenly thought something else was up with her. She was like oh my god I love you, but my family need me,it was all lies. Crazy games went on for months.

[ltul]

I have come to believe that they  block it out because they can't Handle the emotions of hurting someone else. If they hurt someone or are irrational once in their "black and white world" that means they are bad all the time. It's all or nothing.  In their world they are all bad or all good. I guess if those were my choices I'd live in denial to.

     I am sorry it is really hard. I keep thinking that if I am rational I could explain and make him understand but I am starting to finally get that that isn't possible. Our brains are just wired differently.

[jj2121]

Definitely. I got annoyed with the ex and said you will never settle down with anyone and she didn't disagree.I wanted to help, but how can you help them,when they lie to you and continue to hurt you emotionally?

[jaird]

Good point JJ, you can't help them when they do that. And my ex does that frequently. I'm not sure why, other than to push me away so she can continue to move on and feel less and less about me.

[mango_flower]

I've been reading up on Freudian defence mechanisms tonight... .  

Ok so Freud is controversial... .   but some of them are really interesting.  Like many others, I believe that everything they do is done to protect themselves from hatred and shame... .   justify why they left... .   they couldn't possibly feel guilt if they do that!  x

[jaird]

And i guess that's her right to do so. It's just that when she told me she had BPD, she bought me a book on loving someone with BPD, and asked me if I was in this for the long haul.

We also had the usual honeymoon/idolization phase, and then I put up with a lot of rages, like one or two a week. And I still hung in there for her. Then I was to move 1000 miles so we would not have a LDR.

I guess I just feel like I put so much into this relationship, helping her get on her feet financially, learn to budget, building her up as an individual, showing her new things and places. And that's all I really wanted, was to show her more and give her more of things she never had.

[jaird]

My ex operates tremendously out of shame. I'm not sure why she cares what people think. I mean, I really don't.

[ScotisGone74]

I honestly and truly don't know how they can live their lives in manner they do, If I ever did some of the stuff I know the exBPD has done I wouldn't be able to live with myself.  They can't look backward-thats too painful, they can't look/plan forward-thats too far away, they Live in the Moment of NOW-and Now is whatever they Feel like Today-thats about the only way I can describe it.  They don't think, consider, or care about others/anything else than besides what They Feel like, regardless of marriage, kids, love, time together, or family.  

[jaird]

I honestly and truly don't know how they can live their lives in manner they do, If I ever did some of the stuff I know the exBPD has done I wouldn't be able to live with myself.  They can't look backward-thats too painful, they can't look/plan forward-thats too far away, they Live in the Moment of NOW-and Now is whatever they Feel like Today-thats about the only way I can describe it.  They don't think, consider, or care about others/anything else than besides what They Feel like, regardless of marriage, kids, love, time together, or family.  

Very true, I told my ex a few times that she was shortsighted, and couldn't see past the nose on her face. She had no concept of longer term, even a few months out seemed like forever to her.

And yes, she disregarded almost all of those things too.

[Clearmind]

Borderlines do this

I mean the splitting, the painting black, the lies, the distorted facts, the moving on so quickly with a new relationship, the assignment of all blame to the old partner.

to achieve this…

But: How do they do all these things and think what they do is normal, real, decent or anything even close to normal?

Jaird, your ex is neither “all good” or “all bad” – she is who she is – in its entirety.

What is the hook you are hanging onto? Is it the fact you still blame yourself for not being able to rescue her from herself? Is it her attractiveness?

Letting go is conscious! We need to consciously dig deep and see where these underlying emotions lie.

If I was to say your post was not about your ex – it is about you – what comes up for you?

[jaird]

No doubt my post(s) are about me ClearMind. I was the one who was lied to and hurt. I was the one who was broken up with via text and phone call just a day or two after we spent six days together, and six weeks before i was to leave my family and move 1000 miles to be with her. Which is what she had said she had been wanting for two years.

I feel I did a lot for my ex-I helped her emotionally all through her separation and divorce, I taught her how to budget, I helped her get $10,000 from her bank when she did a short sale on her house, I was kind and patient as I could possible be through a lot of raging and temper tantrums-all because I saw the good in her.

I also showed her a different lifestyle than she was used to-I went places with her, I was into her as a person, we bonded very well. I was the one who swore I would be there for her, through good times and bad, wherever the roller coaster took us.

So, if I had a hard time dealing with the fact that my soulmate, or whatever you want to call her, unceremoniously dumped me and moved on quickly, well so be it. It is what it is.

[jaird]

ClearMind, It was about being deceived, right up until the very end. It was about how a person can put on a facade and lie about the most important things and decisions in life. That's what hurt. If she had told me rationally that something was wrong with our relationship, if she had told me she was unhappy face to face, it would have been much easier to deal with.

[bb12]

Being stuck in 'understanding' is an awful way to live because emotions are in the body - and screaming for some attention too.

For me, the journey into the light starts, for the first time, with learning  how to feel my way out of it rather than think.

We have effectively been abused by someone we loved... .   whether they meant it to have this extreme effect or not. The only way out of this is to reject what their abuse is saying about us. Being invalidated; watching them move on as if we meant nothing; being completely ignored with the silent treatment; being blamed for everything.

None of this is real! None of it is true!

It is only felt as true if we believe it - if we buy into it. So don't.

Easier said than done, but we need to try to not believe it. And to do this, we need to address the root cause of our own issues that makes us believe it!

bb12

[wanttoknowmore]

I think that they do it because something changes in their mind on which they have no control.  Its not that they are choosing to do it to hurt you.

The change is unconscious and not under their control. All this irrational behavior is a consequence of this involuntary change in their mind.

I may be wrong... .   but this to me comes closest explanation after reading over 5000 pages about BPD.(both scientific and lay press)

[Clearmind]

I feel I did a lot for my ex-I helped her emotionally all through her separation and divorce, I taught her how to budget, I helped her get $10,000 from her bank when she did a short sale on her house, I was kind and patient as I could possible be through a lot of raging and temper tantrums-all because I saw the good in her.

I also showed her a different lifestyle than she was used to-I went places with her, I was into her as a person, we bonded very well. I was the one who swore I would be there for her, through good times and bad, wherever the roller coaster took us.

Jaird, many of us wanted to help ("rescue" our ex's.

In thinking about what a healthy relationship entails - for it to even have a chance of succeeding - we need to accept who our prospective partners are, as they present themselves – they show us who they are if we listen and observe. Its pretty clear I didn't listen or observe - because my relationship moved past the first date where all those   were madly flapping in the storm.

It's likely that many of us attempted to change our partners into a person we wanted/needed and our partners did the same with us – this is the reason it is a dance for two. It's almost impossible to have a relationship where we are both plotting the next move.

A healthy r/s has 3 dynamics:

#1. You - you are responsible for your own emotional health (independent of her)

#2. Her - she is responsible for her own emotional health (independent of you)

[anything less is enmeshment]

#3. The relationship. The relationship benefits/suceeds when #1 and #2 are achieved

What in fact happens in our BPD relationships is that we, the #1, try to change #2 and #2 tries to change #1 - all that transpires is a push/pull on both sides while you vie for a position in the relationship and so does she. #3, the relationship, the mutual trust and respect suffers beyond repair instead of it building strength.

Jaird, you may not have seen it while you were in it – however – if your relationship was anything like mine – it slowly disintegrated into a state of nothingness. I will be honest and say that I didn’t even like my ex for a good portion of our relationship – however I was hell bent on changing him to suit what I thought I needed - epic fail - my ego took a nose dive.

My friend, this r/s was unhealthy. You both need to heal independent of one another. You both have a similar yet different path to healing.

We cannot control our partners - as you can see this attempt at control - from you both - has lead to resentment/anger and hurt. You attempted to 'show her the light’ (your way) and she didn't change - in fact - she left. This has no doubt damaged your ego. Healthy ego comes from within - not via proxy (via your ex).

As you change your relationships change – because you will choose an emotional equal rather than a person that needs rescuing. In a healthy relationship there is no room for rescuing - however what it did do - is feed our ego for a period of time.

hit_

Is it possible this relationship has taught you a big lesson! Taught you what you don’t want or need in your life rather than concentrating what you believe you may have lost.

It’s possible as you dig deep, that this rejection you feel at the “hands of your ex” so to speak - is only a symbol of the rejection you felt as a young person, which you have not yet healed from. Unresolved stuff from childhood will re-surface.

[HarmKrakow]

My shrink has been and is still telling me. STOP TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THE CHAOS!

And you know what, he had a very good point there. Stop making sense. I tried, I tried so much it ended up in so much agony that I was like, ~ it, i'll throw myself in front of a train, why? Because I didn't understood, I seeked answers, i didnt get any. I did get in all ... . ALL my previous r/s.

This one ... . aint gonna happen that I get answers to all my questions... .

[fakename]

clearmind, get post i'm gonna have to re-read that

harmkrakow, only way you'll get answers is if you go crazy yourself, then everything will be soo clear

[HarmKrakow]

clearmind, get post i'm gonna have to re-read that

harmkrakow, only way you'll get answers is if you go crazy yourself, then everything will be soo clear

Only way we get answers is we make sure, that we are adults enough to realize, it was a mistake we made as a human being of being involved in this toxic bull~ r/s. The moment we realize we made a mistake and we let go, we realize the only answer rationally is that we made a mistake, whatever happened for the rest is irrelevant.

[fakename]

Harmkramow. I like that a lot too. Will have to keep in mind. If anything, the lessons learned from the mistake make for a brighter future and no more repeats

[jaird]

Yes, it was clearly a mistake. To be perfectly honest, I hung in there and took the abuse because of our sexual relationship. She flew to my state and provide me with sex, which I was lacking, and idolization, and a huge ego boost.

I was ready to write her off today as just plain cruel and mean. But she called me today, and started out all nice and lovey-dovey because she found a valentines card from 2012. But she could not maintain lovey-dovey, and it escalated quickly into an inquisition into who I was seeing and what my plans were. Totally beyond any boundary that should exist. She was raging within five minutes about things that are none of her business.

So I went from thinking she was cruel and cold, back to realizing how sick she is. Now I kind of feel bad for her again, but I feel so, so free myself. Like this was the final break. A weight has been lifted. No matter how good to me she once was, she is not anymore. And I have seen enough healthier women lately to realize that what I went through is not normal or good for me. It's a shame really, I wish my ex was well.