reverse reaction... and maybe inappropriate cleanse on my part

[wishingwell17]

I'm not sure what happened in my ex uBPDbf's processing regarding our lack of trust but this seemed backwards to me?

backstory:

He repeatedly had dating sites up behind my back, lied repeatedly about them, and numerous other lies.

During our r/s I confronted him on all but the last one - which whether it was right or not I did this weekend because it was not a question "if" there was one, there was, and I wanted to let him know I knew about it. (he denied it at first, naturally, and I said "your denying the truth doesn't make it untrue, nor does your maladapative anger management skills make your lies and covert behaviors reflect on me. Please know I understand this now."

It was not a surprise that he became very upset, what was interesting is what came next;

he demanded I apologize to him for having to endure the feeling of not being trusted.

Yeah, I'm sure it felt awful. But isn't this what happens when we choose to deceive others? We suffer a bit as we regain the trust we chose to break?

It became clear I had to apologize. The first attempt was called out as insincere as I said I was sorry as it must feel awful to not feel trusted.

He demanded a direct apology. Really demanded. So, since I started this subject willingly I said "I am sorry my not trusting you caused you pain."

I must have some more learning to do as this felt like a survival response. It was only half true. I understand it must hurt, especially for him. But I am not really sorry he felt some discomfort after he knowingly repeated behaviors and lied.

I wish I could have operated from a higher place:

1.) In not bringing up the last site at all. I knew the truth, after all.

2.) I wish I felt 100% bad about the impact of my mistrust on his feelings. I can only find a small amount of empathy and forgiveness at the moment.

It might not be healthy for me to feel a little bit cleansed by communicating the entirety of my pain regarding the impact of his rages and his lies on me.

I do though. And, I also feel I communicated them in a way which stated boundaries and did not take on blame for his choices. I am still feeling anger and frustration. I may have used him in a way as a place to vent it and perhaps should have waited till next week at my T.

The apology he asked for felt "reverse" but maybe not strange for an NPD/BPD? I had directly assaulted what is important to him; his integrity.

I just wondered if anyone else out there ever had someone ask for an apology for how the pain they caused you caused them pain?

[DragoN]

I just wondered if anyone else out there ever had someone ask for an apology for how the pain they caused you caused them pain?

Years ago, my partner played a similar head game. It's nutz. Makes no sense.

Integrity? What does a BPD know of that word? Nothing!

I must have some more learning to do as this felt like a survival response. It was only half true. I understand it must hurt, especially for him. But I am not really sorry he felt some discomfort after he knowingly repeated behaviors and lied.

I would not apologize for that. Why did you?

Who cares at that point about his feelings? They are NOT more important than yours.

It didn't hurt him enough. He still will lie about it to your face and deny it in 2 weeks.

[wishingwell17]

Satis,

I come here for a reality checks. I get them!

The head games are what was hardest for me in the first two years. This reminds me of a red flag I ignored.

We went skiing a month or so after we met. He said something, I do not remember now, I responded with ":)on't head game me".

The return reaction was a very aggressive ":)O NOT EVER ACCUSE ME OF PAYING HEAD GAMES!"

I was taken back, thought it was VERY odd because I was in a teasing mode. I remember my feelings and had I been really "whole" at that time I would have taken more notice it being a red flag.

20/20... .

Why did I apologize? Because I am 5'4 110lbs. He is 6' 190lbs. He was in an escalating rage and I knew it was BIZARRE and I knew it was not normal.

Pushing my feelings forward in this context felt like it could create a potentially bad outcome. Plus, my ultimate goal is to move forward and heal myself.

I had already pushed more than what is a good idea in these situations with my honest expressions regarding his rages and lies.

thanks for check!

[DragoN]

Sorry wishingwell!

I know what you mean about the size differential and the rage. Been there too.

Under those circumstances, well done!

Reality checks. We need them, to Not allows ourselves to slowly spiral into the FOG.



Just making sure... . you don't actually feel sorry?

[Hurt llama]

A good offense is the best defense.

[DragoN]

True, but with that sort of size differential and the potential for violence, just getting out of the blast zone is a good offense.

[Hurt llama]

True, but with that sort of size differential and the potential for violence, just getting out of the blast zone is a good offense.

... . I was actually saying that as how her exBPD was behaving by going on the offense by demanding an apology for having caused him pain.

[lockedout]

I wish I felt 100% bad about the impact of my mistrust on his feelings. I can only find a small amount of empathy and forgiveness at the moment.

You shouldn't feel the least bit bad: you had a reason to mistrust him.

Mine blew up on me for invading her privacy. What happened? I was on her computer and stumbled upon one thing that led to a bunch of other things that eventually revealed where she'd been invading my privacy. That led to an incognito e-mail account where she had an e-mail from a guy that left little to the imagination; a single man she had over the house while I was at work on a 24 hour shift. I feel bad for not leaving right then and there but not for mistrusting her.