Addictions

[whereisthezen]

I've noticed when one addiction is overcome or no longer a current issue, another one is in the works. My udxBPD used to be addicted to buying things in excess, then when that stopped once I ,aed some comments, it became people, not wanting to be alone or to always have something or someone new in his life, then it became social media nonstop, then lying/cheating. What I see is he is never content with what he has and if someone said you should buy a motorcycle and come riding with me, he'd get top of the line everything, and ride maybe for two to three weeks, and then want something else to uplift him. Constant need for rush, something new, to be popular and everyone's best friend. All I know is for each of these new items or relationships, soon after he privately rants about what's wrong with each one. Then everything is ok with all of those negatives in a few more days.

Any similar experiences?

[pixiepie]

you could be talking about my pwBPD. Needing to be liked, needing to be popular, not being content, conceptualising all his interpersonal relationships with ANYONE as he is the faultless and they are the faulty... . not organised enough, not smart enough to keep up with him, not spiritual enough, not in line enough with his goals. too shallow, too needy, too unattractive. But its never him. He has multiple addiction issues as well as huge issues with lying. I find that when an addiction isn't in process he is all over the place in his emotional self, bored, grumpy, listless, preoccupied, monosyllabic. And then its only a matter of time before he replaces, or acts out. He's just had strops with 2 women he calls friends, who supply him with adoration and ego stroking and whom I beleive both have feelings for him but who are wearying of the constant lack of their own validation.

In short... . yes, your experience is uncannily similar to mine.

[hithere]

Mine would self-soothe with binge spending, binge eating/puking and exercise.

I think it is part of the BPD dynamic to seek things that soothe their tortured feelings.

[sadeyes]

t I have always thought that a new one is coming. Sometimes I dont know if they are actual addictions, but he is VERY extreme about 1 thing then the next.

My BPD used to have problems with drugs and alcohol and cigarettes. He quit all of that at different times.

Over the past several years he has taken up several hobbies. For about 6 months, he is totally obsessed. He spends hours a day studying the hobby, buying things for the hobby, making friends in the hobby etc. Then poof its gone.

I can think of 4 in the past 2.5 years.

I wonder if he is enjoying the excitement of curing the emptiness, and then determines it doesn't make him feel better.

[maryy16]

My H too LOVES to buy things and will buy things in excess.  For instance, if he gets on a kick of liking Hot Wheels cars, he will buy tons of them.  He says he feels he is compelled to buy every one.  He loves the challenge of looking and finding rare of unusual ones. It's like the "finding and obtaining" is more fun than the actual "got". Then, that will pass and another obsession will start.

He is the same way about food.  He will get on a kick and eat the same food for months at a time.  Then, all of a sudden, that's over with and he will move on to a new food.

He also has OCD tendencies, so that is probably why this occurs, more so than the BPD.

[rockhardabsman]

I'm no stranger to this... . My dBPDexgf was addicted to Meth/Alcohol for 9 years. Got her into rehab after she was arrested for domestic violence against me. When she got out she went to weed. When I kicked her out for hitting me again she went back to meth/alcohol and weed.

I strongly beleive she is a sex addict as well. She had cheated during the relationship. And she has had about 100 partners in 5 years. And 15 in the past 2 months post breakup.

Addiction seems be to pretty common in BPD. In fact if I remember correctly study say something like 64% of BPD have some sort of addiction problem.

[optimismandlove]

Sadly, addictive behaviour seems to come with the territory of BPD.

From what I have read they are desperate attempts to fill or block the gaping emptiness that resides within them.

So very sad and tragic.

They never feel like they get enough of anything because what they are really seeking is self love and self acceptance and it isnt out there in the external world.

They are chasing their tails endlessly until they reach out for help.

I would describe my soon to be ex as an adrenaline junkie, he always drives fast European cars, gambles, flirts, only wears designer clothes, has to buy the best of everything... .  

Because of his narcissistic qualities which in healthy application has served him well as a surgeon, he has never used drugs or alcohol.  He worships his body and mind.

He instead chooses addictions "less physically damaging" like catastrophic gambling

Sadly he can  not see the negative health impacts this has.   Insomnia, lack of concentration, obsession with the next bet, inability to relax etc... .  

He has berated me for my weakness in enjoying the occasional glass of good NZ wine or French champagne.   Has actually told me I am an alcoholic.

He doesnt understand that one can partake in a potentially addictive activity like social celebratory drinking in a safe moderation.  He tells me I am on a slippery slope.

What he doesnt understand is that I have self control and selfawareness and because I have alcoholic parents I have always been determined not to go down that path.  (I am 47)

As an addict he cant fathom moderation.

Sadly institutions like Betfairand Sportsbetexploit  our loved ones illness.

It is sickening.

[benny2]

yep. Mine is never content with anything or anyone. Bought a new home, loved it in the beginning, shorthy after it was not good enough. Never seems to be content in relationships for long. Moved me in after chasing me for 15 years, and decided I was not good enough. NEVER SATISFIED! I believe its because they are not content with themselves. Mine actually says at times he hates himself and also never seems to know what he wants.

[whereisthezen]

Thanks all! Each of you said a trait of addiction that made the lightbulb go off for me. From shopping, to hobbies, to books, music, fine wine, facebook to women. Ive seen a lot of behavior that isclearly or will become an addiction. I keep thinking all those things will never satisfy you because they are distractions or immediate highs. You'll still wake up tomorrow scouring for the next addicting distractiin. How is that living?

[optimismandlove]

Its all terribly familiar, isnt it and oh so tragic for them and for us.

I am so grateful that I feel lasting contentment from a longed for purchase such as some beautiful new plants or a fabulous pair of shoes.

I feel lucky not to experience "buyers remorse"

But, I am shrewd and consider all the costs and benefits before I jump in.  (Including for loaning my uBPD partner $200,000.   I weighed it up for a month, sought advice from trusted friends and we all felt certain he would turn his  life around. And he did have the earning capacity to have repaid me in a year.  How tragically wrong we were)

Our beloveds are held to ransom by devastating impulsivity.

I can only surmise that with honest treatment this urge may lessen

But its entirely up to them

They love the rush of risk, instant gratification, they are kids let loose in a toy shop with mum or dads credit card.

So tragic

[whereisthezen]

I think buyers remorse happens after all events led by impulsivity. At some point you'd think they'd recognize don't touch the beautiful flame it hurts really bad and learn their own condition.

[funkenstein91]

My gf mostly just binge eats nowadays.

She had a lot of trouble with online shopping addiction in the past, but she's worked hard to resist the urge due to her need to save up money so she can quit her job and focus on school exclusively. I'm really proud of her for the progress she's made on that front.