Why do you want her back even knowing she was bad for you?

[Vatz]

She was hot.

She was kind of nerdy. Which I thought was freaking super.

She and I had a similar sense of humor. I know it wasn't mirroring because it was consistent.

Partly because I loved her dog, she (the dog) was such a friend (weird, I know) I couldn't just... .   walk. But she's gone now, been gone for almost two years.

Because there were times she was very sweet and tender. The way she hugged me, there was a gentleness about it.

She was willing to do some of the weird and crazy stuff I wanted to do (not just bedroom stuff.)

There were times I would come to her with problems and she would talk me through them.


When I think of these things, it makes it harder to let go. But the cheating, the abuse, eventually the nice things started to feel so fake.

Yeah she was hot, but I always felt like I couldn't have her. I started to feel like the attraction wasn't mutual (for me, that's as bad as being cheated on.)

The whole "nerdy" thing, well, see above.

Her dog died... .   it was actually far more painful to go through that than what I'm going through now. I had a feeling that day, that with her dog gone, she and I would no longer be the same.

Those sweet and tender moments, I knew she was having them with another man. Enough said.

The weird and crazy stuff, I don't even want to think about that.

Eventually, she became the source of my problems and sadness. She talked a lot about not wanting to hurt me, but her actions didn't match. She just kept hurting me.

Despite still wanting her, there's too much damage. I just hope I'm strong enough to stay away.

[ScotisGone74]

I felt much the same way healingmy, I feel for what you are dealing with truly.  This is what I have to say about it:   Once a person inflicts soo much damage upon you, whether it is emotional, verbal, physical, psychological,  there is no going back      regarless of how much we loved them, how sick they are, how much they blame us, etc, etc.       Honestly who would want to continue their lives in a relationship like this?  Looking back upon dealing with my own expwBPD relationship I was totally exhausted towards the end, I was ready for it to end.  In the end I found out everything I needed to about her and how a life with her would possibly be like, I geuss for that I am blessed and can actually look forward to planning a real future that doesn't change minute to minute, week to week.  Although I'm certainly not a religious person I have been reading the Bible lately, it does read that God helps heal hearts believe it or not.  Do what makes YOU feel better.

[bb12]

Once a person inflicts soo much damage upon you, whether it is emotional, verbal, physical, psychological,  there is no going back      regarless of how much we loved them, how sick they are, how much they blame us, etc, etc.       Honestly who would want to continue their lives in a relationship like this?  Looking back upon dealing with my own expwBPD relationship I was totally exhausted towards the end, I was ready for it to end. 

Absolutely!

But the tricky part for me was the inability to recognise it as abuse while I was IN it, you know?

Being so used to fixing stuff and working with someone on our issues, I was locked in for the long haul. So to be that committed but then watch your partner detach and move on so completely and so quickly makes for a mind bending recovery.

Like you though, I now recognise that I was exhausted and my gut knew that the r/ship was 'off'. Not sure I was ready to end it though. My FOO has me locking in a lot... .   good or bad. So I can FEEL like I want my ex back despite knowing that logically it was a car crash.

Further, I think many of us are so committed that when discarded, we need to fall out of love before we even get to the processing stage... .   and understanding BPD. It's not like a mutually agreed and adult ending. We are still so far INTO the r/ship that the first part of the journey is emotionally disconnecting long before we even begin to process what just happend.

bb12

[paperlung]

i think paperlung said something that resonates with me "she became my life"

in the beginning i was getting yelled at cause i didnt talk on the phone or txt as much as she would like... .   order to keep her happy, i gladly did whatever i had to to satisfy her needs and all the attention she required. she ultimately became sort of like looking after a child. i had to almost be responsible for her life, look after her feelings and she leaned on my heavily. we became very attached because of that. i enjoyed it, tending after her any way i could - mostly emotionally, as she was independent in that she had a good job and stuff.

either way, i guess thats why its so hard... .   because she became my life. i told her a couple times that she was the most important person in my life. i loved her and i wanted to take care of her and make sure she was ok. i guess i thought i was her savior. haha, i obviously failed at that.

Then I ask you guys, why did a person like that become us? It became my life, well thats exactly what my ex was. My ex WAS my life and poof, gone. So ofc. immense hurt and trouble. Immense hurt ... . because it literally feels like I have no life left in me. However, with all(!) and i mean ALL my previous r/s, this was NOT the case. Why I wonder? Was it my blindsided ego?

It's simple. My ex was extremely needy and incapable of doing most things that average person can do, so I took care of her. She was a child in an adult's body. I've said it before, but she felt more like my daughter and my girlfriend considering how little I got out of the relationship. Now that's gone.

[MakeItBeOver]

Every post in this thread reflects what I'm going through as well. I think about her constantly. I miss her so much I can barely function. My brain can finally see all the patterns, the degradation of my self esteem, the blame, the lies, the manipulation, the isolation, the complete lack of accountability. I know going back to her would be unbelievably stupid and yet I still feel like I can't live without her. My heart is an idiot.

I think it's because of what I thought we had or could have in the very beginning, still having those residual feelings of guilt from before I saw the light, but most of all, my codependent need to rescue her, which she fed. I wanted to be her knight more than anything and she both supported that feeling with neediness and also made me feel like I was failing at it. For someone who needs to be the hero, what could possibly drag them in more than that?

[Billa]

It's funny. Whenever I catch myself missing her its also because 'she was very loving'

She showed a lot of affection and I loved that.

Of course, the idealization phase was the BEST time in my life, hands down. The hatred phase was the worst time of my life, hands down again :D

the same for me

[Billa]

Every post in this thread reflects what I'm going through as well. I think about her constantly. I miss her so much I can barely function. My brain can finally see all the patterns, the degradation of my self esteem, the blame, the lies, the manipulation, the isolation, the complete lack of accountability. I know going back to her would be unbelievably stupid and yet I still feel like I can't live without her. My heart is an idiot.

these could be my own words. And it is terrible.

[bb12]

Every post in this thread reflects what I'm going through as well. I think about her constantly. I miss her so much I can barely function. My brain can finally see all the patterns, the degradation of my self esteem, the blame, the lies, the manipulation, the isolation, the complete lack of accountability. I know going back to her would be unbelievably stupid and yet I still feel like I can't live without her. My heart is an idiot.

And this pain you're in MakeItBeOver, is a signal to you!

I'm a bit further down the healing path and can empathise enormously with that conflict you're feeling between your head and your body. What I now know is that anything in the body is our feelings. I was very bad at understanding how to feel my way through a situation and always deferred to rational processing. Didn't work.

The only reason this BPD experience resonnates so much with you is because it has triggered off massive anxiety. And that anxiety is a feeling caused by our xBPD confirming a thought to us (i.e. I am worthless, I am unloveable, I am not worth talking to). Learning to sit in acceptance of the rational facts is very important. But at the same time, exploring those feelings and thoughts within US is vital. Question all of it. It's very likely our own negative self-image and self-beliefs are the cause of the obsession and not so much the xBPD

Question whether you really want her back... .   or do you just want the awful sadness and anxiety to go away? They are not as intertwined as we might believe

BB12

[BorderlineMagnet]

I want my last ex pwBPD so bad it's driving me crazy like some of you. She's high-functioning, and the only thing she ever did is cheat. I think that was brought on my an intense abandonment fear. Sometimes borderlines just come out and tell you what they're feeling. She said she was afraid of falling even more in love with me and me one day abandoning her and her kids, that a family is not what I would want.  So she sabotaged us by finding a new guy who was her norm: dumb, white trash apparently out for just sex. I know this guy is just befriending her kid to just have continued access to her vagina till he's done. She was afraid of hurting her kids, but when this guy screws up that's just what will happen. I've been ruminating so much in the 3 weeks since she imposed NC on me (I busted her to her new guy, she got frantic and chose him and told me "right now" she didn't wanna talk to me again). I wonder all the time will she reach out, or am I erased, painted black, or just devalued right now. I left her with kind words about how I feel about her, and that I wanted to spend my life to her and I heard an emotional response. She was so kind to me, not like a previous pwBPD. We never had anything even close to a fight until the night I busted her. I still love her so much and know she didn't hurt me on purpose, it's just what they do. I'm so anxious about no contact that I'm even playing mind games with her on FB, only in hopes she's looking at my page now and then. Posting pix with me and a very pretty ex that look current, hiding information to look like my status has changed. It's a sick experiment I just started today. I want it to work so bad, but with her being high-functioning I'm afraid it won't. She did tell me one of the reasons she loved me was that I was so different from the type of guys she has been with. I'm stable, sweet, caring, and ambitious. I sound pathetic but I miss her so much, and I'm worried about her.

[Dave44]

I want my last ex pwBPD so bad it's driving me crazy like some of you. She's high-functioning, and the only thing she ever did is cheat. I think that was brought on my an intense abandonment fear. Sometimes borderlines just come out and tell you what they're feeling. She said she was afraid of falling even more in love with me and me one day abandoning her and her kids, that a family is not what I would want.  So she sabotaged us by finding a new guy who was her norm: dumb, white trash apparently out for just sex. I know this guy is just befriending her kid to just have continued access to her vagina till he's done. She was afraid of hurting her kids, but when this guy screws up that's just what will happen. I've been ruminating so much in the 3 weeks since she imposed NC on me (I busted her to her new guy, she got frantic and chose him and told me "right now" she didn't wanna talk to me again). I wonder all the time will she reach out, or am I erased, painted black, or just devalued right now. I left her with kind words about how I feel about her, and that I wanted to spend my life to her and I heard an emotional response. She was so kind to me, not like a previous pwBPD. We never had anything even close to a fight until the night I busted her. I still love her so much and know she didn't hurt me on purpose, it's just what they do. I'm so anxious about no contact that I'm even playing mind games with her on FB, only in hopes she's looking at my page now and then. Posting pix with me and a very pretty ex that look current, hiding information to look like my status has changed. It's a sick experiment I just started today. I want it to work so bad, but with her being high-functioning I'm afraid it won't. She did tell me one of the reasons she loved me was that I was so different from the type of guys she has been with. I'm stable, sweet, caring, and ambitious. I sound pathetic but I miss her so much, and I'm worried about her.

I feel you man... .   I could have wrote this. How long were you together? Also, how old are her kids and were you close to them?

[BorderlineMagnet]

We were friends with benefits for 6 months where we formed a strong bond and friendship, dated for 2 months, and were a couple for 2 also. Her kids are 3 and 6 months. I actually continued to have sex with her when she was pregnant, another reason we bonded so much. I had never dated a woman with kids before so she agreed to take it slow with me in that area and I respected that. Was never cold or mean to her little guy, I always had a smile on my face around him. But I was shy to really engage him. I think that's natural though to take time for him to be comfortable with me. Her life was beginning to get more hectic so I felt I was ready to step up and take a bigger role with them, but she never gave me the shot because she had started seeing someone else over a perceived slight and abandonment issues. He was supposedly amazing with her kids in less than a month, which just goes to show she's doing the whirlwind/intense thing with him, instead of the natural build up we had. I think she also blew a comment I made out of proportion. I said I was in a "hate kids mode" after a particularly stressful day at my retail job. I was only talking about that one day, and even she had said at one point she hates other peoples kids. I think then she began to extremely devalue me, and her abandonment fear went in to overdrive.

[VirtuousWoman]

To answer the question for the title of this discussion, it's the hope we hold on to that keeps us wanting someone back, even if they were bad for us. We still cling on to that hope that maybe if we had of done things differently, that person would still be in our life. We unconsciously take full blame for all that went wrong instead of seriously evaluating the roles both parties played in the break-up.

Just my opinion... .  

[haliewa1]

I wonder if you know that you're being painted black by your exBPD then why take the affection they provide seriously?  My exBPDgf was undressed ten minutes after hitting the hotel room.  Now I'd been traveling a lot and needless to say, what I saw wasn't the usual folded towels and a bathrobe!  Didn't take long to become involved with the person.  I don't know if that's a relationship or not!  It could turn into something but I would think there would have to be some emotional, mental, physical and commitment made there sometime!  My exBPDgf was incapable of supplying all of those needs for me.  But I will say that her overtures sexually to me were almost like a movie playing in my head.  I wasn't sure there were true desires and commitment before the physical stuff began so I didn't take it as seriously as I would have had I been head over heels over her!

[jp254958]

It's all in the brain. 

For probably all of us, we have never felt so good to be with someone, and then ultimately never felt so bad to be with someone.

These people -- our exs -- are our drugs.  And like many drug addicts, we become addicted to the high that they give us and want it back so bad.  But our lives fall out of control in this fantasy world and our minds and bodies begin to deteriorate from the bad parts.  And just like a drug addict, our brains go through a very real withdrawal period by being apart from them.  Sometimes it feels impossible.

In general, people seek pleasure and avoid pain due to our neurological wiring.  And this is why we're so conflicted because we need the pleasure that being with them often brought us and we need to avoid the pain that being with often them brought us.  Our brains go haywire by being with them.

Every day, I miss her.  Every day, I find myself wishing she would call and tell me that everything is going to be ok.  I never get that call.  And the reality is that every day, she is almost certainly not thinking about me.  And that hurts and it's almost impossible to accept. 

I heard it when I was a child.  DON'T DO DRUGS.  And like a person in AA or NA, I guess I'll always have to realize that I'm an addict.  But much like a person who dedicates himself/herself to recovery, good things will happen with time.  Since the breakup, I've learned a great deal about myself.  I am, in many ways, a stronger and better person now.  I've learned that all happiness resides within myself... .   even though it sometimes doesn't feel that way.  I'm taking better care of myself and being more compassionate to myself.  I'm better today than I was in the first few months after the breakup, so I guess that means I'm growing.  I've heard that when tumultuous weather passes through and the wind shakes the trees, then the roots become stronger.  Well, we've all been through a hurricane and day by day we're getting there--whether we know it or not.

[ComoLu]

My xuBPDH was my best friend for most of my adult life.  We married at 20, and we were together for 34 years.  I was blindsided by his problems.  I only had glimpses for most of the time we were together.  I miss the good parts of him so much.  We traveled the world hand in hand and experienced so much joy together.  Now that he has painted me black and exposed me to his other side, I agree that I don't think I could ever trust him again, but I may have him back in my life because he has health issues, and I don't want him to burden my grown children.  They need to live their own lives without the drama and pain he causes now.  No matter what, I will always miss the him that I used to know and love, but I am learning to live with the pain.

[Billa]

To answer the question for the title of this discussion, it's the hope we hold on to that keeps us wanting someone back, even if they were bad for us. We still cling on to that hope that maybe if we had of done things differently, that person would still be in our life. We unconsciously take full blame for all that went wrong instead of seriously evaluating the roles both parties played in the break-up.

Just my opinion... .  

that's it

[grad]

I was friends with my ex for 8 months then we dated for almost 2 months.  I always knew we had a connection but our r/s was doomed to fail due to her insecurity and my lack of experience in dealing with someone so emotionally unstable.  She began seeing someone else she was acquainted with a few days later and the first 2 months after our split she began to ignore me and the realization that it was over hurt me more than everything else in my past combined.  I suspected she had BPD but it wasn't until after the split that I started to research it more and fully understand the dynamics of what it really is and how it affects r/s.  So now I'm armed with all this knowledge and a clear understanding of what is wrong with her and why, issues dated back to her childhood where she was physically and sexually abused--no identity or sense of self and seemingly complete lack of respect for most male figures.  My feelings for her were now stronger than ever although we weren't even on speaking terms.

Finally I had a breakthrough a week ago and we are now we are cordial to one another.  I've learned the answers that most people here seek and although I love her very much and still want to be with her, I question whether or not it would be a good idea and thankfully she is still dating the guy she left me for.

Their problems never change.  She initially started speaking to me again telling me she's "very happy" but then the truth started to come out through our conversations and observations that she still suffers from the same issues: she still hates her life, she wants a new job, and she's still not over her on/off ex of 12 years who abandoned her due to legal issues and the consequent liability of being with her, let alone the fact neither made each other happy anymore.  She's also admitted that she's "broken" and has done so a few times in the year that i've known her.

We discussed that we both weren't ready (ex had just abandoned her, i was too closed and inexperienced to validate her emotionally) and on several occasions has sent out feeler questions.  She has shed tears when we discuss the issues we had together and revelations I had with how I handled her vulnerable episodes poorly, she's asked "why her" because she knows I truly love her and I'm a good person, probably the best she's ever met.

Being able to have this insight into her life has helped me tremendously.  I still love this girl more than anyone and would not be able to tell her no but I've also started to realize she is seriously in need of her own identity and direction and that it probably wouldn't be a healthy r/s without therapy.  But I've also learned that love is blinding, that when you feel so close to someone emotionally that you can overlook their flaws, the toxic nature that the r/s will likely become, and hold out hope that you two can make each other truly happy.  

Synopsis: Seeing a borderline happy and "in love" is in essence a drug where you keep searching for that "high" because a pwBPD can give you a feeling nothing else can match when the going is good.  They are you at your happiest, most complete state of mind and an non-existent emptiness at your lowest when abandoned.

pwBPD require your complete devotion and that's why I believe many here are in therapy.  I however suffer from AsPD and have strong NPD-traits and due to life I'm very independent and don't need anyone.  This experience has tested everything about who I am and I'm fully recovered from the FOG of this r/s but I revel in what she has taught me and am seeking fulfillment elsewhere.  No need to wait around for someone who exhibits strong toxic traits and is seeing someone else.  I know I can find better but do I really want that or would I prefer her?  

We'll see.

[jj2121]

I have my own issues which probably led to me being too caring in my relationship,but I can honestly say I don't think I did anything wrong, I was nothing but nice and who I am. When my ex admitted crying in bed and said she needed help. I said I wanted to help her and then it was I don't need help I do everything on my own the next day. She then dumped me claiming her family problems were too much and she could not give me what I want. After that, it was just so many lies and emotional bullying and playing the victim,I ended up being her father. Then when I got angry, she was like I thought I could talk to you,but obviously not. Sorry,but I can't help someone who lies and manipulates me when it suits her. Do these type of people constantly look for a father figure, or would they settle with someone nasty to them? She was definitely a waif!

[HarmKrakow]

I have my own issues which probably led to me being too caring in my relationship,but I can honestly say I don't think I did anything wrong, I was nothing but nice and who I am. When my ex admitted crying in bed and said she needed help. I said I wanted to help her and then it was I don't need help I do everything on my own the next day. She then dumped me claiming her family problems were too much and she could not give me what I want. After that, it was just so many lies and emotional bullying and playing the victim,I ended up being her father. Then when I got angry, she was like I thought I could talk to you,but obviously not. Sorry,but I can't help someone who lies and manipulates me when it suits her. Do these type of people constantly look for a father figure, or would they settle with someone nasty to them? She was definitely a waif!

You can honestly say you think you didn't do anything wrong? I wouldn't be able to do so. Everyone makes mistakes, at work, in life, in relationships, at school, in friendships, everywhere and anytime.

[jj2121]

I was just myself, it ended up being all about her. Maybe the only thing was,that I was too soft. I make mistakes all the time, but the only time I done anything wrong was after the breakup. In the relationship,no I never.

[HarmKrakow]

I was just myself, it ended up being all about her. Maybe the only thing was,that I was too soft. I make mistakes all the time, but the only time I done anything wrong was after the breakup. In the relationship,no I never.

If you were to soft in the relationship, you made a mistake in the relationship. Again, I don't want to sound bitter but i'm pretty sure a lot of people would agree on the fact that they mistakes in relationships all the time. You might however perceive your actions as not a mistake in the relationship, and in your thought as the 'only good choice' in the relationship and therefore not a mistake. Again, I can't vouch for that. I'm just being skeptic.

Why am I being skeptic? Because I believe everyone makes mistakes in relationships, and the moment you see that, you can work on that. Otherwise you would have nothing to work on ... .

[jj2121]

I was just myself, it ended up being all about her. Maybe the only thing was,that I was too soft. I make mistakes all the time, but the only time I done anything wrong was after the breakup. In the relationship,no I never.

If you were to soft in the relationship, you made a mistake in the relationship. Again, I don't want to sound bitter but i'm pretty sure a lot of people would agree on the fact that they mistakes in relationships all the time. You might however perceive your actions as not a mistake in the relationship, and in your thought as the 'only good choice' in the relationship and therefore not a mistake. Again, I can't vouch for that. I'm just being skeptic.

Why am I being skeptic? Because I believe everyone makes mistakes in relationships, and the moment you see that, you can work on that. Otherwise you would have nothing to work on ... .

Maybe that was a mistake,but not a bad one. That is who I am,but I know what I need to work on and I am getting help.

[laelle]

I battled for a while with staying with my ex even tho he was a verbal garbage maker because the pain of not being with him was too painful to even fathom.  His cute British accent was like a drug addiction.  So I do understand the making the best of the bad choices available.  Sooner or later you refuse to buy the imagine they create of you and fight back.  Or at least lets hope it does.  This is when he stopped caring and erased me.  I dont want him back now, but I've been there.

[Mightyhammers]

Why am I being skeptic? Because I believe everyone makes mistakes in relationships, and the moment you see that, you can work on that. Otherwise you would have nothing to work on ... .

This is the essence of a BPD relationship isn’t it though – you make a mistake and you’re history. ‘Maybe we should talk about it?’ ‘theres nothing left to talk about’

[jj2121]

It is all a mess really. I suppose what I mean is I never lied or done anything manipulative.

[mitchell16]

I think someone said its a trauma bond is the only reason I cna think of why I would want her back. I mean yes it was great at times and during the first 3 or 4 months it was wonderful. I thought like so many has said I met my soul mate. My ideal women. Great body, great face, soft caring side, wanted everything I wanted. and she thought I was the greatest. But I now realize it was mirroring. The rest of the time it was raging, suspcious behavior, insulting me, I could never do enough and If by accident I did. I didnt do it right. which was her way. BUt it was just an illusion except for the evil, raging muniplative side that was real. In two years I had not one b-day that wasnt ruined, both christmas and both thanksgivings. every holiday every 3 or 4 day weekend of work. every trip that was good was spoiled almost after words. So I dont want her back. BUt I do miss and love the illusion of who I thought she was and who I thought she could be.

[HarmKrakow]

BUt I do miss and love the illusion of who I thought she was and who I thought she could be.

This ... . this captures it.

[jj2121]

BUt I do miss and love the illusion of who I thought she was and who I thought she could be.

This ... . this captures it.

That is definitely it for me. Also a fear of her changing for someone else

[mitchell16]

jj2121, I to have the fear. But common sense tells me it aint happening. Mine was in out of relationships for 14 years after her first divorce. I never really knew what happened in them all but I can only imagine. Her ex husband has never re-married or even been in much of a relation since her. DShe likes to say he never got over her becaue he loved her to much. I like to say he never got over because she ruined him to ever wanting another relationship. I think that more accurate. Her second ex- she and him had a on/off relationship for several years, break up, get back together, do it all over again. They married on a whim, divorced in 7 months. He had turned into a alcholic and drug addict. She said he was that way when they met, who knows. Many relationship in between. Im supposed to be her longest one since the ex husband, best I can tell is all the others lasted 6 months or so. She alway said they all were the "one" but some reason they always ended. So Common sense tells me she wont change for anyone else. She might find a complete doormat. She almost got me there but I would resist to some degree. and she once tried therapy with her fist ex-husband. Guess what happened, she quit. Guess why? said her husband turned the therapist against her. Sounds like BPD through and through.

[jj2121]

I got hooked in because she had split with her boyfriend of around 3 years and she claimed he was violent. I don't really know about any of her other relationships, but I had heard she cheated on him and I think they were only together for that long because she got pregnant after a few months with him,don't know if that makes a difference for a while at least? Then with me it was,I wish I had met you 3 years ago basically saying she wish she had the baby with me, this was after a couple of months and like most I thought I had met my soulmate and that was when she made me commit to a serious relationship with her... .   then she started to change. Highly unlikely she will change though because she would admit she was not right and needed help, then deny it and say she likes to sort everything herself and does not need help.