Moving out and sister trying to prevent it

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi I have been living with my BPD sister for the past 28 yrs (we all still live at home together). I have a new boyfriend that I've been with for over a year. My sister hates him and before even meeting him she was running him down and encouraging me to break up with him or telling me that he would leave me. My bf and I have been planning to move in together in feb of this year but after telling my sister and her having a break down and yelling and screaming constantly I've stayed. I was planning to move out again April 1st but again she is on calling me selfish and disgusting for leaving her when she has no friends or bf. so I felt bad and agreed to stay longer again.

Now I've set a move out date of April 20 but who knows what crisis will come up to derail that plan. However now my sister is on and on about my own dog leaving the house. She is insisting that she come over 5 days a week and have a key to my place to be able to take care of my dog. She has her own dog and cat as well which are staying with her. I told her I don't want to discuss this right now and have not made a decision but she keeps on at me all the time that I am selfish and disgusting. I acknowledged that it is a nice thing to do but I know it is just a form of control tactic over my life. I also don't feel comfortable with her having a key to my place. I don't know what to do. Now I feel awful for moving out and am wondering should I just give in. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I've been having panic attacks all week and can't sleep or do anything. I'm sick and I can tell my immune system is shutting down. I feel so alone.

[Lonelytraveller]

Hi I have been living with my BPD sister for the past 28 yrs (we all still live at home together). I have a new boyfriend that I've been with for over a year. My sister hates him and before even meeting him she was running him down and encouraging me to break up with him or telling me that he would leave me. My bf and I have been planning to move in together in feb of this year but after telling my sister and her having a break down and yelling and screaming constantly I've stayed. I was planning to move out again April 1st but again she is on calling me selfish and disgusting for leaving her when she has no friends or bf. so I felt bad and agreed to stay longer again.

Now I've set a move out date of April 20 but who knows what crisis will come up to derail that plan. However now my sister is on and on about my own dog leaving the house. She is insisting that she come over 5 days a week and have a key to my place to be able to take care of my dog. She has her own dog and cat as well which are staying with her. I told her I don't want to discuss this right now and have not made a decision but she keeps on at me all the time that I am selfish and disgusting. I acknowledged that it is a nice thing to do but I know it is just a form of control tactic over my life. I also don't feel comfortable with her having a key to my place. I don't know what to do. Now I feel awful for moving out and am wondering should I just give in. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I've been having panic attacks all week and can't sleep or do anything. I'm sick and I can tell my immune system is shutting down. I feel so alone.

[XL]

Are there any factors which are going to personally effect her as a roommate? (like will she be stable with any rent payments, you're legally allowed out of the lease right now, etc?)

If she's just going to miss you as a sibling, and there aren't any legal or financial reasons why you can't just leave, then this is ridiculous. You should read up on the SET skills, and express empathy for her distress, but do what you want.

[XL]

I think you can read up on that here.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Clearmind]

LT, I can imagine this is distressing. At some point we need to recognize we have needs and make steps to move on with our own lives.

Your BPD sister will forever hold you back – but – only if you allow it!

Its possible we contribute to the dysfunction without knowing it. When setting a date to move,  your sister rages then you don’t move – this is establishing an pattern of enabling. Enabling doesn’t help your BPDsis LT. The kindest thing you can do for her is to make a plan to move and stick to it. Setting dates and reneging on them can contribute to her abandonment fears.

BPDsis needs to learn how to stand on her own.

I hope this makes sense LT! There are ways to support your sister while you still build a life for you.