Birthday of doom...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My stbx and I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago. We started with the "no kids, no asset disputes" version, that would have been simple and easy, with a 3 month waiting period and a rubber stamped finalization mailed to us.

But noo. Can't have that!

Stbx is bipolar 1 with psychotic features, ASPD, and NPD. He is off the rails at the moment and getting to the point of delusional. I own a business and he works for me. The business is located on my property that I owned before I met him almost 18 years ago. I have tried to get him to leave for the past 15 years and he just won't. I moved out a few months ago to begin the escape, and he's still there. This is when I finally figured out that it wasn't me he was so attached to--it's my property.

2 days ago, I went to work and stbx wanted to argue. I stupidly engaged him a little bit, and then he told me that since I moved out, the property is now legally his   and I had to leave immediately or he was going to call the police. WTH? I told him bring it on, so he did. He called 911 and told the dispatcher that I had guns in my vehicle and was threatening him on HIS property and a bunch of other really outrageous lies (all while smirking at me). I couldn't believe it, I was totally outraged--especially since I am a firefighter and know all the dispatchers and cops.

So the cops show up and I have to show them that there are no guns in my vehicle, show them that though I moved down the road a bit for relief from arguing, the property is still in my name (and ONLY my name) is still my legal address, and that my business is located there, and go through the whole rigamarole. Meanwhile, stbx is sitting on the couch (MY couch!) smirking. The cops explain to him that he can't throw me off my own property, and he has to let me come and go and have access to my business.

So today I took off because it is my birthday (birthday + Easter = DOUBLE the chocolate rations!) and I don't want to spend my birthday with that A-hole. But a little while ago, he sent me a text that said "happy birthday". As if he didn't just call the cops on me 2 days ago, trying to have me thrown off my own property! WHAT A JERK!

[doubleAries]

My stbx and I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago. We started with the "no kids, no asset disputes" version, that would have been simple and easy, with a 3 month waiting period and a rubber stamped finalization mailed to us.

But noo. Can't have that!

Stbx is bipolar 1 with psychotic features, ASPD, and NPD. He is off the rails at the moment and getting to the point of delusional. I own a business and he works for me. The business is located on my property that I owned before I met him almost 18 years ago. I have tried to get him to leave for the past 15 years and he just won't. I moved out a few months ago to begin the escape, and he's still there. This is when I finally figured out that it wasn't me he was so attached to--it's my property.

2 days ago, I went to work and stbx wanted to argue. I stupidly engaged him a little bit, and then he told me that since I moved out, the property is now legally his   and I had to leave immediately or he was going to call the police. WTH? I told him bring it on, so he did. He called 911 and told the dispatcher that I had guns in my vehicle and was threatening him on HIS property and a bunch of other really outrageous lies (all while smirking at me). I couldn't believe it, I was totally outraged--especially since I am a firefighter and know all the dispatchers and cops.

So the cops show up and I have to show them that there are no guns in my vehicle, show them that though I moved down the road a bit for relief from arguing, the property is still in my name (and ONLY my name) is still my legal address, and that my business is located there, and go through the whole rigamarole. Meanwhile, stbx is sitting on the couch (MY couch!) smirking. The cops explain to him that he can't throw me off my own property, and he has to let me come and go and have access to my business.

So today I took off because it is my birthday (birthday + Easter = DOUBLE the chocolate rations!) and I don't want to spend my birthday with that A-hole. But a little while ago, he sent me a text that said "happy birthday". As if he didn't just call the cops on me 2 days ago, trying to have me thrown off my own property! WHAT A JERK!

[Louise7777]

Happy birthday, DoubleAries! I hope the last one will definelty be better! Wish you health (all kinds) and lots of patience to deal with your current situation. We are here for you.   

[Want2know]

Sounds like you need a birthday celebration week.  So, tomorrow, how can you celebrate in style?

His behavior is typical, and I know you know to expect that kind of reaction... .   it just doesn't make it easier, though.  

You are a strong woman, and I have faith that you will get through this with your dignity and self in tact.  

[doubleAries]

Thanks, y'all.

Actually, I know stbx didn't intend this, but what he ended up doing is pushing me towards "the zone". I am there. That place where I am utterly focused and clear, instead of filled with self doubt and guilt.

I wrote up an agreement we made about him buying the property from me and getting a settlement from my business, and told him yesterday he needs to sign it in front of a notary (gave him 3 options on each issue, told him to pick the one he wants--the only real options there are--my offer, his ability to get a lawyer and fight it out, or a real fight with restraining orders and the whole bit). he chose the offer options and said he'd sign it so we can file it as an addendum to the divorce papers. Because I am in "the zone" right now, I completely understand that I have no control over his actions. I have wasted unbelievable amounts of time and energy trying to get him to co-operate, to reason with him, etc, etc, etc. Negotiating is now over.

If he doesn't sign the paper, I will sign it myself and file it anyway. I have requested copies of his stupid 911 call and the police report. This way I can show a judge that I have been trying to make a reasonable, fair resolution (even when I'm angry), while he has repeatedly changed his mind as fast as his bipolar feelings, and engaged in petty ridiculous behavior, including make false statements to police to get me in trouble.

I told him this too. And told him "if you want to bring it on in court, I will tear you limb from limb. While you've been playing FaceBook, I've been researching and learning what I need to do to make a successful escape from you, and I am prepared. You have now awakened Aries, God of War, and I will demolish you". I could see in his eyes that he knew I meant it more than anything I have ever said to him.

Maybe that's why he thinks he can just say "happy birthday" (while pretending that "other thing" never even happened) and "fix" everything. JERK.

I actually had a pretty good birthday today--had Easter dinner at 2 different friends houses and LOTS of chocolate (with more left!) It's not my birthday that is doom--it was the happy birthday text.

I actually feel pretty good. Confident (for the first time in a long time) and lighter. But I still think he's an A-hole JERK.

[Surnia]

Happy birthday, DoubleAries



I wish you all the best for the next year and with your high conflicted divorce.

[Lady31]

DoubleAries,

Happy Bday!

WOW - he's got some nerve huh?  It shocks me what they are capable of sometimes - even still.  

Mine got physical with me in the truck 6 weeks ago.  We had agreed to divorce a couple months before that, but were still living together as we have a business together and his daughter is ALMOST out of the house.  (Grads in May & then going into the Army - YAY for her!)  Anyway.  

We were in the truck together.  He was cutting me down, screaming at me and just being overall verbally abusive.  SO - we had to stop at my parents to pick something up (switched to mister nice guy in front of my dad - good thing for HIS sake) and when we got in the truck, I hit the video record button on my phone because I knew it would be more of the same.

THIS TIME he actually got physical with me! ?  (That has rarely happened, and the other times was mostly throwing things at me, shoving me, etc. - nothing real DIRECT so to speak.)  The crazy thing was, I was holding the phone in my lap, not really trying to get the video, was more for just the audio later to help me stay out of the FOG as it can get thick and you can question what was really said, etc.  Right as he went to grab me it caused me to move my arm and it caught everything on he did on VIDEO.  ?  God send right there.

I didn't know what to do at that point, so I called my dad - and as soon as I told my dad he was putting his hands on me my H started screaming in the background, "STOP IT!  QUIT HITTING ME!  QUIT PULLING MY HAIR!"  This is exactly what he was doing to me!  What a crazy B*ST*RD!  It made me realize just how calculated he was, and that he was fully aware of what he was doing.  While he was screaming this in the background he just looked at me smirking as if to say "No one else can see what's goin on - it's going to be my word against yours."  TOO BAD HE DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS GOING TO BE HIS WORD AGAINST MY VIDEO.

They are toxic - and I'm sorry to say but VERY calculated.

GOOD RIDDANCE!  Hopefully yours will follow through with what you want before he has time to change his mind.  God bless and I'm sure you will find much needed peace in life when he is out of it!

[GreenMango]

Happy Birthday DoubleAries 

Sounds like he got a kick out of instigating you.  I used to get so pissed at myself I would fall into the "set up" especially because I knew that was what it was - nothing like getting primed for transference.

It also sounds like it may become the birthday of "freedom" and double chocolate never hurts.

[MysticK]

Happy Birthday.

For what it's worth, you might want to consider addressing damaged property in your contracts with him. My lawyer kept telling me not to worry about it, that it's so rare for a party to begin breaking things as they move out/get to settlement. No matter how often I told him this was one of those cases (and he is a very shrew lawyer), he didn't believe it. Until it happened. I'd come home from work and pieces of the brand new refrigerator and dishwasher were on the counter. Both sinks in the master bedroom were broken. Faucets and other items did not function properly and I had to get it all repaired (a small price to pay for freedom, frankly!).

She was trying to get me to react. But I didn't, and now that she finally is out of the house by court order my self esteem is getting nurtured by my having been able to maintain the zone. Not saying I never slipped, just got more practiced and deliberate about staying there and not wavering - which really threw her off balance. It is great to be in the zone because there is an attempt to draw us out and this is always followed by "the smirk". What an awful feeling. Here's to the zone!

[atcrossroads]

Happy Birthday, DoubleAries!

Girl, I think you are awesome -- I've read tons of your posts and know you've been through h*** and am so inspired by your courage and newfound strength!  Yes, he has unleashed your inner power, and you won't put up with it anymore!  Good for you! 

What a total jerk he is for 1) not letting you fire him (I read a post where you explained how you had fired him and he kept coming back anyway  ... .   wth?  2) for the outrageous treatment and LIES this past weekend, and 3) all the other craziness and cruelty you've had to deal with.

It's so refreshing when we finally realize we do NOT have to live this way anymore.  We don't have to make EXCUSES for their behavior.  We can be FREE and happy!  I'm so glad you spent your birthday/Easter with friends and had a good day despite his ludicrous behaviors.  Good for you.

My husband is currently in OUR house (both our names are on mortgage, and I'm paying HALF of all bills) while I live in a small room at my parents.  My biggest frustration is getting him to put house on market.  It's amazing what a cluster **** they can make of something that should be SIMPLE.  I am having a dilemma right now with which lawyer to choose even though we should NOT even have to go to court (no kids/custody).  Absolutely ridiculous, really. 

Anyway, you will be done with him sooner or later... .   GOOD LUCK and stay strong!  You are an inspiration, and remember living a good life will be your best revenge   

[doubleAries]

Thank you so much everyone! Thank you! 

I was starting to get a bit distraught today, as I slipped a little bit this afternoon. I haven't slept well for several days (chocolate sure tastes good, but it's almost worse than coffee for me!) and had a fire call last night that didn't get me back home until 2am and then I had to get up at 6am. not enough sleep, fuzzy around the edges, I had to address a couple things with stbx today about eviction notices and the like. I did fine--only clarified. Until he started the smirking and snideness again. Then I fell into the trap. Started defending myself, and JADEing. DANG IT! But only for a few minutes.

But I was sitting here worrying about it. Thanks, MysticK, for the reminder--the zone, like anything else, requires deliberate practice. it's not gone forever if you slip! I feel better. It's coming back. And I did address property damage with him--he does it, I call the cops. Period.

I think if get some better sleep tonight (and tomorrow is my day off--hooray for sleeping in!) I can get right back on top of my game. Quit trying to get him to understand, co-operate, whatever. Focus on what I need to do to end this ridiculous charade.

[MysticK]

Hang in there. Getting some rest is a good idea. You are right. When you are tired, it's easier to slip. Keep it up! You can do it!