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Esperança_Hope
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« on: April 01, 2013, 08:28:02 AM »

  everybody

I hope you had the joy of the Ressurrection. I feel it despite my relationship with DS is not well. He decided to move to the big city, to the luxury, old friends and etc... .

I´m better but i feel so ashamed after our - my DS and i - fight. I forgave him, i understand he is ill, but i´ve never could imagine a son beating a mother. I never had been beatten by anyone. I can´t even see a woman being beated, abused verbal or phisycal. so, since january i just can´t here his voie. I wrote him sms answering his apologies but , honestly, i feel different . I´m not the same mother i was . there is a distance. I realized he is a violent man. He refused all the education i grew him up with. ( sorry my english). I´m going deeply in my own issues about violence and i know i never could live it. after this fight i´m a better person because i decided not to accept any bad word, any agressive talk.

so, here i´m again to try to learn and to help. to hear you. I love the site and i miss everybody in here. My best wishes and all my love
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
qcarolr
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« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2013, 09:11:15 AM »

Dearest Esperanca - Yes, Ressurection is Joy! My gd7 went with me to church yesterday for family services. My dh had to work, and DD26 was gone with friends. I pray for her heart to open to the love of God. So hard to accept the pain that our adult kids must face so alone each day.

Such grief we must endure in coming to acceptance of the actions from our kids. At some level your ds has a great love and need for you. His illness blocks this from him so much of the time. And for our own survival and sanity, there are many times we must guard ourselves with distance. Know that I have recently been in this place as well with DD. I had to leave my home for most of two days in a row because of her very abusive hateful actions toward me. I had to shut down to protect myself and gd. I would only be home when dh returned from work.

Things do become different, the relationship does change. I will keep you in my prayers as you experience this grieving for the loss of closeness with your ds. I will pray the the forgiveness will lead you to peace inside and a gaining of acceptance of your ds - that he is who he is, and that you can come to feel OK with the love for him that is deep in your heart. Even as you find the boundaries that keep you safe in this love.

It is so very good to hear you voice here again.   

qcr  
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The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. (Dom Helder)
JKN77

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« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2013, 09:12:42 AM »

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. That must have been (is) awfull. I completely understand that you have changed as a mother. Just the verbal abuse has changed me, I can't imagine physical violence too. I have no doubt that you did teach him well and were a good mother to him, yes it is the illness, not you.

You need time to heal, take that time and don't feel bad about it. What you are going through is huge and not wanting to talk with him is normal. I would do the same thing you are doing.

My prayers are with you.
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jellibeans
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« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2013, 09:48:51 AM »

how very sad... .   that he would fight with in this manner... .   my heart hurts for you. Try to put some distance between you two. Time to heal and time to accept that he is mentally ill. It is at time like these that we can all see this is the act of a very sick person. I feel sorry for you but also your ds... .   the shame he must feel has to be overwhelming... .   try to forgive him... .   lots of love to you    
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griz
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« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2013, 02:27:23 PM »

I too am so sorry for what you have had to endure.  It is so hurtful when our children, who we would do anything for hurt us whether it be physical or emotional.  I believe that there comes a point where we all change and I can understand you feeling like a different mother.  You need to care for yourself right now.  Allow yourself to heal.

I have missed you very much and have thought about you often.

Griz
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Esperança_Hope
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« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2013, 06:25:37 PM »

Dearests,

It´s so nice to hear you all. You all know a lot and the support is great. Qcarolr, you´re an example. I allways remember you and all your wisdom and radical acceptance and good and humble heart. Griz are a great presaence. I´ve tried to refuge in the library. It was nice. I had a great time there. so cozy.

jellibeans and jkn77 thanks for your lovely and kind words.

The problem is  the  unbalance! DS is a tall, athetic guy, surfer and jiu-jitsu fighter. I´m a 58 woman and i´m his mother. If i had seen a guy beating a woman in a street i would call the police, sreamed for help. Violence against women is my agenda in  Brasil. domestic violence. Here we have the Maria da Penha law. And i didn´t call the police and i didn´t go to the district to tell them my son beated me. I´m a coward? A f*&%$ co-dependent. what a shame. I ´m praying everyday in order to forghett it... .   but i ´m still pist of
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griz
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« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2013, 08:11:37 PM »

Esperanca... .   a coward, no never. You are so brave and fighting so hard to help your son.  I know I have looked the other way or allowed by daughter to get away with things that I shouldn't have because I am her mom and no matter what I still feel a need to protect her.  You should feel angry and that is okay and it is okay to feel different also.  WE live with alot and we do change because of it.  You need to care for yourself for a bit now.  Allow yourself to recharge and remember we are here for you.  But don't ever think of yourself as a coward. You are the opposite of a coward.

Griz
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Reality
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« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2013, 08:27:37 PM »

To dear Esperança_Hope,

It is so wonderful to hear from you again and yet I am sorry that there have been such difficulties, very hard to bear.  PwBPD are truly disordered and so they are like caged animals sometimes.  It can be very frightening. 

I think we parents are given many afflictions here.  Many trials and tribulations... .  

You love your son so much.  He knows you love him.   

Hold steady and know we are always here for you.

We have missed you, dear Esperança_Hope. 

Reality
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qcarolr
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« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2013, 03:52:45 PM »

Esperanca - we are so hard on ourselves in our humaness. Be kind to yourself. I too have allowed abusive behaviors from my D - shoves, slaps, and death threats. And I have also called police. The end resluts were not much different. Threat of police just gives her more to throw my way later.

So, I will be praying for you to find the compassion to forgive yourself, and for God to bless you and show you His forgiveness.

It is OK to remember, and to use this anger to make a plan for if this were to happen again. A safety. Don't you do this in your domestic violence work? How can you walk away from the situation before a hand is raised against you next time? Where can you go? Who can you call for help, even it not the police? Many women in abusive situations need a plan and time to make the changes for a longer term solution. It is the same with we moms.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers,

qcr  
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The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. (Dom Helder)
Esperança_Hope
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« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2013, 07:49:41 PM »

Reality and Qcarolr, ou are so kind. god bless you !Nice words. My trust in Jesus, and in His great mercy is a living faith. And i agree that God can write the script of my life, instead of insisting on my own script. I was trying to be THE mother. So, let God be God. HE knows how to deal and heal my heart. And you all are my guardian angels. Thanks a lot.  
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2013, 06:46:39 AM »

Hello Esperanca Hope   

It is good to see you here, like a visit from a friend you have wondered about for some time.  My heart is sad to read that your son has hurt you. :'(  How that memory will be stored in your heart and the pain it will carry.

To be a victim of our own children is a heavy weight.  To give our children and the pain they cause us to God to carry will make our burden lighter.  Finding forgiveness for your beloved son will release you and will release him to be different in the future.  As far as the east is from the west our transgressions have been removed.  We are free when we forgive.

 

lbj
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