Physically there, but checked-out emotionally

[asiyah93]

My BPD ex still live together and we are still great friends. I love him very much, but the passion, the romantic love, it isn't there anymore. In a way, it's been good for me because it makes me less prone to enable certain behaviors of his such as gaslighting me, making me feel guilty, reverse psychology, etc. But it has me so worn out, so broken, so tired in general that I have no desire to meet a new man and have a healthy, stable, monogamous, non-open relationship. I don't want to put the blame entirely on my failed relationship with my BPD. I do see the bright side to having had this relationship and I credit the experience with teaching me so much about myself. Furthermore, I've been dealing with losing fake friends for years now, so part of the reason why I don't want to go out there and date is because I'm pretty much disgusted with human beings, be they male or female. What do I do to heal? I no longer have resentment towards my ex for not loving me the way I loved him, so that's a step in the right direction, but I still feel like a failure and is if I'm not qualified to be anyone's romantic partner and as if I'm not worthy of love. It's like I'm there for physically, and I lend a helping hand to everyone when they need me, but I'm not emotionally invested in anybody anymore.

[sad but wiser]

Asiyah, There are a lot of people here who feel like you do - exhausted and empty.

I think you must not live with your ex.  It seems to me that you are stuck halfway between the past and future that way.  How can a person heal with that going on?  :'(

My ex asked me if he had spoiled me for other men.  I told him he ruined me for other men.  I never want another romantic relationship. 

As far as other human beings, we all let each other down sometimes.  But, here we are.  We should be kind to each other, because life is difficult and often painful.  We should encourage each other and tell the truth to each other without being unkind.  Just give yourself time.  Healing takes time.

[asiyah93]

I sort of have to live with him because his family isn't here and he's on probation so it's more difficult for him to get a job and move out as a result of his legal troubles. He's been on probation for almost 3 years now and it should be finished in September. Since the living arrangement is one that is hard to resolve he's been spending a lot more time out of the house and sleeps over at his friend's house some nights of the week, so we're less at each other's throats and we annoy each other less. But I am not going to lie and say I'm feeling awesome just because I'm over him and the living arrangement no longer seems like a burden. I've been with this person for 3 years and it's hard to fully recuperate from something that was so dramatic and intense. All I want to do, honestly, is sleep.

[sad but wiser]

It isn't your job to take care of a grown man.

[asiyah93]

I know it's not, and I no longer see myself as his caretaker, but I'm not going to kick him out for him to be on the streets either. The friend he spends time with lives with his family so I'm not going to suggest that he lives with him either. Since this is a situation that is more complicated than it is, I choose not to dwell on it any longer liked I used to and focus on myself and my problems because even when he moves out I'm still left with the scars.

[sad but wiser]

asiyah - I understand.  I wouldn't let my ex be homeless, either.  I do suggest you give him a move-out date, though.  September 15th, perhaps.  He should be actively looking for work, and you should be demonstrating that you mean what you say.  Set boundaries, stick by them like crazy glue.  Otherwise, I predict that there will always be a reason he cannot leave.

[asiyah93]

Definitely