BPD partner has asked for seperation, but I'm not sure if its a threat or real

[Chris32]

My partner and I have been together for almost 8 years.

She was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago, and has undergone some DBT therapy, and overall she has improved but our relationship is still quite volatile.

Over the weekend, she told me she has had enough of our relationship, and she'd be better off apart.

We have two young children, 2 and 4, a house/mortgage etc.

My concerns are that this is a threat, as this has happened in the past but not quite to this degree.

If she is entirely serious, then I'm ok with that, but I just don't get the feeling that its entirely genuine, as she'll say something to counter act her in the next sentence.

Its a really tricky situation, especially with the kids

[Clearmind]

Chris32, Welcome.

Genuine or not, the cards are on the table - it can't be ignored.

You mention she has been in therapy - have you sought out some therapy too?

[tuum est61]

Hi Chris,

It is a very tricky situation given you have young children.   

For me it came down to answering this question of myself.  Do I want to separate?  I have been somewhat undecided at certain times, but at this point, I have decided that no, I don't want to separate. 

My W has announced such plans dozens of times.  I used to knock myself out with anxiety over it - feeding her dysregulation.  I'm better now.  As Clearmind suggests, therapy helps with this and many other questions.

Since you are "okay" if separation is what she wants, you are in a postion to tell her "fill your boots."  I will hazard a guess though is that it is not what you want, so you may not want to be that sarcastic/cavalier. 

Try some validation using SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) - S. I want to help make things better for us." E""It must be hard to be so uncertain about our marriage that you are thinking separation is the way to go."  T. I don't want you to go so you will have to start the separation process."

And then do your own preparations.  Talk to a lawyer.

[an0ught]

Hi Chris,

My partner and I have been together for almost 8 years.

She was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago, and has undergone some DBT therapy, and overall she has improved but our relationship is still quite volatile.

Over the weekend, she told me she has had enough of our relationship, and she'd be better off apart.

We have two young children, 2 and 4, a house/mortgage etc.

My concerns are that this is a threat, as this has happened in the past but not quite to this degree.

If she is entirely serious, then I'm ok with that, but I just don't get the feeling that its entirely genuine, as she'll say something to counter act her in the next sentence.

Its a really tricky situation, especially with the kids

it is the hallmark of the illness that she can't keep contradictory feelings about you in her head at the same time (splitting). So for some time she wishes you on the other side of the moon and the next moments she is perfectly ok that you are right beside her. Irritating to say the least.

It is certainly alarming that at the moment she seems to be escalating the expression of her frustration with life and everything. Also Easter holidays tend to be stressful events so maybe it is just temporary.

Still it can't be ignored so validating her frustration with the marriage may get her talking. Be careful to get too much into problem solving mode until you really know there is a tangible one.

How is she doing now?