Bad communication. Have you experienced this?

[mrclear]

Hi,

It's been one year since I have left and divorced my undiagnosed BPDexw. The marriage lasted 15 years. I was recycled once and came out a wreck at the end. I have done a lot of work since then, reading and researching, am in a new relationship and slowly finding my way back to sanity and happiness. After the split during which I went NC for a while, I got the usual statements like :"things just didn't work out" or "we love eachother, we're just not in love anymore". All past emotional/verbal abuse and lying was just blocked out or twisted.

My ex and I have two daughters (12 and 7) and as we all know co-parenting is nearly impossible. I have expressed my wish for LC, but as usual my ex sees no grey areas. My ex and I live about 600 km apart, so I only get to see the kids during their vacations. They fly here and I spend time with them in our new home, which I think is important, so that we can be part of our daily lives. The contact with the kids is great and they seem comfortable here. 

I have frequently expressed to my ex that I am willing to communicate about the children, but about the children only. She has since then tried many times to get me to visit or has used emotional blackmail, wanting me to call their school, etc, etc. The communication has been difficult and I was also forced to seek help from the government to enforce my visitation-rights, since she also wanted to limit that. However, she always answered my request for visits and things were getting better.

Recently, she has a new bf (the third in one year) and has introduced him to my kids. Since this new relationship, the LC went to a virtual NC from her end. She relays information only through the kids, and hardly ever answers my e-mails, eventhough they are only about the children. I learned of the new relationship through them and also about them meeting the new bf. This is really hard to deal with, since I think it's a parents resonsibility to inform the ex of significant changes in the childrens lives.

Has any of you experienced this? Maybe some pointers on how to handle it. I have a lot of experience with BPD, but this one kinda stumps me... .

[mamachelle]

Hi mrclear,



This kind of behavior is quite common unfortunately. I would definitely encourage you to keep in touch with your children's school and their teachers as well.

This is a link to a great workshop and gives you some perspectives on this from others:

Shared Parenting 

Does your 12 year old talk with you on her cell phone if she has one?

Do you have a regularly scheduled call in time?

There are others here who have dealt with this using modifications to the parenting plan, but many others have found ways using the existing plan to increase communication.

mamachelle

[mrclear]

Hi mamachelle,

Thanks for the help. Yes, I have regular skype-times with the kids and call often. The school is more difficult, because it's in another country and I'm not great with the language. I don't really have a problem with the kids, it's more her behavior right now that's disturbing, but I guess it's to be expected. I'll just have to beef up the calls and let them know I care.

As an afterthought: Would it help if I send an e-mail telling my ex that I am supportive of her new relationship and wish her well? Or will that backfire? (I think I already know the answer to that  )

mrclear

[mamachelle]

mrclear,

Probably best to not congratulate. If she has been in 3 relationships this year I would wait and see. If you could get his name somehow and some information it does help. I would find a good time and ask her his name and what he does and all that. Probably best to do this in email. I would ask over on the Legal Board Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody about this as some of the other Dads probably have better advice on how to handle. It is important you know the information.

Definitely good idea to keep the communication with the kids up.

I am a Non (exBPDH) married to a Non with (exBPDW). We use fbook to check on the general behavior and appearance of BF of my H's ex when possible and then sometimes we run background checks. Not that it helps much, but it has helped to ease our fears at times.

Yours,

mamachelle

[mrclear]

mamachelle,

Really appreciate the great advice! I know the name and what he does. Some head of a firm (money). I'll wait till he pops up on FB and check. My daughters said they had a great time with him. Since my ex is in the honeymoon-phase, I guess things are still peachy. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your advice tells me to be there for the kids when it does.

Good to have someone like you to help... . :-)

ATB, mrclear

[mrclear]

Ok, well I guess that backfired a little.

I've finally found out who he is, because my ex does not communicate anything with me. I talked to my kids yesterday and found out that they are going to his house on the weekend (after a 2 month relationship). Is there anyone else that finds this a little scary?

I checked his FB-profile and he seems to be an ok guy, untill I saw his pictures... .   The latest one was a picture of my ex's naked behind! You can't see her face, but I think this is a little irresponsible. Definitely since he might end up becoming friends with my kids on FB.

I feel a little helpless here and don't really know what my options are. If I mention anything to her, she'll blow and make any communication concerning my kids worse. I'm considering writing a e-mail in BIFF-style to ask her to be a little more sensitive, but I'm not very hopeful for the outcome... .  

Any suggestions?   mrclear

[Allure]

Hello,

We were in a similar situation except I was the new GF after several women before me. My husband tried to get her back during the course of their divorce(2 years) and she actually placed a protective order against him during divorce and refused to talk to him. After we started dating, people told her about me because they have seen us on the town. Then, she found out through the kids and realized it was serious when the kids started coming over my house after 2 months of dating. We all lived in the same town.

These were some of the things she did:

1. She went from not wanting to talk to my husband(before I met him) to calling him all the time at the "guise" of the kids.

2. She would drive by his house to check up on the kids when before, she would turn off her cell phone after she dropped off the kids(they shared custody 50/50)

3. She tried to force him to go to counseling with her for the children (they were already divorced and she was in a relationship).

4. She told him she did not approve that they were constantly at my house(although she would take the children to her boyfriend's house on weekends).

5. Then she befriended him and me separately and became our "Counselor"(she is a Counselor) and would talk to us separately. In the beginning, she would tell us she was happy for us and would prod us when we would get married. Then, came the subtle hints that he was abusive to her and was cheating on her during marriage. And to my husband, she told him I was a gold digger and he was downgrading from her to me. Good thing my husband and I started communicating what she was telling us so we limited our communication with her.

My point is your ex' actions show that she is afraid that you will interfere with this relationship and she is protecting it because there is a chance you might do one of the above although you do not live in the same town.

It seems to me that you are feeling threatened because ex is behaving differently than how she has behaved in her past relationships.

Do you not trust her judgement with people being around your kids?

Or are you afraid that your ex is actually finally moving on?

IMO, 3 relationships in a year is not bad at all. Being in relationships, whether it worked out or not, helps us to learn about ourselves and about what we want in our future relationships.

If you are concern about your children's safety, do a criminal background check. I used to do this to guys I was dating and I was very careful on who I introduced her to.

As far as his FB posting, you really do not have the right to criticize him nor her. This is his FB profile, not your ex- wife's and he can post whatever he wants to post, not your business. You cannot control him nor her. They are not in a relationship with you. They are in a relationship to each other.

Is this really about your kids or is this about your ex?

I apologize if I am too blunt.

[mamachelle]

Mrclear,

Oh, didn't mean to make things more complicated. I think allure is right that there is not much you can or should do.

It's definitely in poor taste. It's not so great that he's having the kids and her over so soon either.

I work in media and I know an image can be a powerful thing. It says a lot about him and his choices.

See how things play out and keep this knowledge as a small window into their world. It's not worth letting her know you are checking up on her or her BF.

Hang in there. Keep your eyes open and listen to your kids when they come back from their weekend.

Mamachelle

[mrclear]

Dear Allure and mamachelle,

I think their is truth in what you both say.

Of course as an ex-non BPD there is something inside of me that is against her moving on without taking any responsibility for her past behavior and failed marriage of 15 years. They just move on as nothing ever happened. I guess I share the sentiments of all that have been in these kind of relationships.

No, there is nothing against her having relationships after me, but the first one was 3 weeks after our break up and she was already making arrangements for him to meet my children. That is not moving on, that's just bad parenting and obviously I am concerned for my children about what will happen next.

No, I do not trust her judgment when it comes to the emotional well-being of our children. She is on frequent trips with the new guy, leaving the children for days with her overburdened, 75-year old BPD-mother. She treats my daughters as girl-friends, not as daughters, sharing all the intimate details of every new relationship. These are only some of the things that worry me.

The FB posting worries me, because it's public and the children might see it. What message will this send them?

Your posts and my own thoughts have lead me to the decision not to take any action on this. There is simply nothing I can do that will change anything. I will, however, keep a close eye on my kids and provide them with the emotional stability that time and distance allows... .

thanks, mrclear