Adult Daughter, getting Mother off my chest

[TudorMaven]

Hi.

I am a 29 year old married woman with a 9 month old daughter.

I have a secret in the family, we can't let anyone know... .   my mother is "crazy".  Or at least, that's how I felt as a kid.  Like a master cover-er up-er.

Why am I here?  I need to finally write a few things down, to my mother and about my mother, to finally get them off my chest.  I find myself here on the board, because telling her my feelings face to face "might upset her" and we don't want to do that!   

My mother is controlling, prone to rages when she feels out of control, paranoid, socially awkward... .   the list of discriptors just goes on and on until they all seem meaningless.  My family shoves their feelings and needs out of the way, shoves their unhappiness deep deep down, cries into their pillows and adapts to whatever system my mother needs to live in, in an effort to keep a lid on her.  Of course we don't tell each other we are all crying in our own little corners, or tell her, because that would be "embarrassing", or make her "feel bad".

Maybe I should just start off with how my childhood "felt".  Isolating.  Confused.  Hiding.  Reading Books to escape.  Fantasy lifes.  Stay in the Shadows.  Wall flower.  On edge.  Awkward.  Exposed/no privacy.  Looking at others as if from the outside.  Tounge tied.  Stiff.  Nervous.  Embarrassed.  Fat.  Dirty.  Shy.  Tiptoeing.  Rich Imagination and internal narratives.  Secret affections for any and all adults who seemed "nice".

My mother had to control everything.  She is constantly angry and overwhelmed from the sheer effort and time it takes to control everything.

I was not allowed to (and my father is still not allowed to)... .   Purchase anything, handle money, handle the remote control, have a key to the house, use the dishwasher or wash any clothes.  Schedule anything outside the house, attend dentist or dr. appointments alone.  Shower.  Have more than one bath a week.  Have access to soap, deoderant or food.  Eat without being given permission.  Use heat or lightswitches.  Talk to people in public.  Open mail addressed to you.  Even when all the rules are obeyed, there is constant screaming, my mother angry at... .   I don't even know anymore, this post is already leading to strange places.

[mamachelle]

Hi TudorMaven,



I am glad you are here. This is a very good place to "get mother off your chest" and learn more about how to heal yourself.

I know how having a young baby and experiencing motherhood can trigger all sorts of emotions about your own childhood. I went through a similar experience when I was 30 and had my 2nd child.

You will find a lot of resources here to help you. This is an excellent book I would pick up soon if you haven't already.

Understanding the Borderline Mother

Has your mother ever been diagnosed or in therapy?

Are you in therapy now?

Do you have siblings and if so, where are they in their understanding of their mother?

Looking forward to hearing more about your story.

mamachelle

[Clearmind]

Maybe I should just start off with how my childhood "felt".  Isolating.  Confused.  Hiding.  Reading Books to escape.  Fantasy lifes.  Stay in the Shadows.  Wall flower.  On edge.  Awkward.  Exposed/no privacy.  Looking at others as if from the outside.  Tounge tied.  Stiff.  Nervous.  Embarrassed.  Fat.  Dirty.  Shy.  Tiptoeing.  Rich Imagination and internal narratives.  Secret affections for any and all adults who seemed "nice".

This environment as a child can be stifling as an adult. I am pleased you are able to voice how you feel, finally Tudor.

My mother had to control everything.  She is constantly angry and overwhelmed from the sheer effort and time it takes to control everything.

I was not allowed to (and my father is still not allowed to)... .   Purchase anything, handle money, handle the remote control, have a key to the house, use the dishwasher or wash any clothes.  Schedule anything outside the house, attend dentist or dr. appointments alone.  Shower.  Have more than one bath a week.  Have access to soap, deoderant or food.  Eat without being given permission.  Use heat or lightswitches.  Talk to people in public.  Open mail addressed to you.  Even when all the rules are obeyed, there is constant screaming, my mother angry at... .   I don't even know anymore, this post is already leading to strange places.

Despite obeying I'm sure you still felt a sense of inadequacy.

Tudor, given your childhood - how are you going now?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi TudorMaven and welcome! 

I know what you mean about the family "secret." It's very frustrating when someone (i.e. your mother) behaves one way in public and completely differently behind closed doors. It can be very lonely. It's also understandable that now that you're a parent that you want to explore your childhood. Sometimes becoming a parent can really make us look at how we were parented.

The environment you described sounds very unhealthy from an emotional staNPDoint, and I can understand why you're here and looking for support. Many of us can relate to you and what you've been through. It's good that you're finding your voice and really diving into this--it can be very hard, but very rewarding to revisit our childhoods and learn and grow from them.

Please stick around and let us know how we can best support you.