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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: An Apology- I  (Read 3162 times)
Grey Kitty
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« Reply #60 on: May 24, 2013, 01:27:31 PM »

Hi there... . I've been offline a lot lately, so I didn't make it here much. Fortunately, I see others offering you some good support here too. I wish I could give you easy answers or wave a magic wand at you. All I can say is that you sound like you want to heal, and that is good progress in itself. 

Keep working, and keep trying to forgive and accept sheepdog!

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sheepdog
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« Reply #61 on: May 26, 2013, 09:03:23 AM »

Thank you, everyone.  I can't tell you how much your comments are keeping me afloat and making me look at things.

Free One wrote:

I think I might agree. I wonder if you are having such a hard time forgiving yourself because you haven't told him, so in your mind you are still lying to him?

Yes!  That is very much how I feel.  But yesterday, we had a really difficult session - it was really hard for me - but at the end I told her I wanted to talk about anxiety, my fear that BPD is going to tell my husband, and how it just makes me sad that this is going to be 'the last summer with my husband.'  And she asked why.  And I told her that I do think if my husband found out, he would still love me but that it would more than likely be the end of us.  To which she said, "Maybe you won't have to tell him.  Maybe you go and and talk to a religious figure, get yourself right, forgive yourself, and you will be able to move on.'

To which I then said exactly what Free One wrote above and also how the BPD has got an incriminating email.  She said we would talk about it next week.

?
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arabella
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« Reply #62 on: May 26, 2013, 11:05:30 AM »

What if you spoke to a religious figure and asked him/her what they thought re telling your husband? Perhaps the conversation would give you more clarity re what you want/need to do? It can't hurt and it is a confidential conversation, so it is a safe place to work some of this out. Maybe worth a shot?
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #63 on: May 29, 2013, 04:45:40 PM »

Another thought on amends:  What would be your true motives in telling your husband?  If a significant portion of it would be to assuage your own guilt, then I would advise against it.  In other words, your husband is not your dumping ground, so to speak.  Another thing to consider is this:  Would it cause more harm than good? 

In 12-Step fellowships, Step 9 deals with making amends for harm we have caused others, and it reads like this: "We made direct amends to those we had harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others."  (emphasis mine) 

However, if you feel enough time has passed, you feel significantly healed, and feel it's necessary, then make the amends.  But be prepared for any consequences.  I've been told an amends is making something right.  It's not just saying I'm sorry.  It's making a change.  Someone suggested to me that when I'm making amends to ask the person I've offended what I can do to make the situation right, and then listen to what they have to say.  If you are a praying person, ask for guidance that way first.  Talking to a religious person sounds like a decent idea.  Good luck.
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toomanyeggshells
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Relationship status: Divorced from a non-BPD. I didn't know how good I had it.
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« Reply #64 on: May 30, 2013, 11:16:35 AM »

Sheepdog, I'm a little late to this thread but I wanted to reply anyway. I feel somewhat like you do.  My uBPDbf "sucked me in" in sort of the same way, although we did have sex and we were both married.      He told me over and over again how unhappy his marriage was and my (now) x-H and I were growing apart in our marriage so I was also unhappy.  I knew what I was doing was wrong but uBPDbf made me feel special and loved.  I guess any man (with or without BPD) could have done that. 

I divorced a good, loving man to enter into the r/s with uBPDbf and we now own a house together and have lived together for almost 4 years.  UBPDbf is not the same person I fell in love with.  That person was kind, loving and interested in me.  Since we've lived together, uBPDbf is none of those things.

I have tremendous guilt about what I did.  I broke up my family.  Now when I travel to visit my grown daughters, its either by myself or with uBPDbf.  I should be visiting my children with their father - we should be a family but I screwed it up horribly.  I'm trying to figure out how to get over the guilt but I haven't figured that out yet.  I doubt I ever will. 

I have no advice or words of wisdom for you, I just hope you can move toward forgiveness for yourself. 
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sheepdog
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« Reply #65 on: May 30, 2013, 04:39:26 PM »

What if you spoke to a religious figure and asked him/her what they thought re telling your husband? Perhaps the conversation would give you more clarity re what you want/need to do? It can't hurt and it is a confidential conversation, so it is a safe place to work some of this out. Maybe worth a shot?

Hi arabella, yes that is what I would like to do.  I just don't know what to say... . who would believe a BPD and all the stuff that goes along with that and a raging codependent and all the stuff that goes along with that.

My therapist has said that if BPD wasn't so very manipulative and if he wasn't mentally ill and was just another guy that I would not have engaged.

I think a religious figure is just going to think that anything I say is an excuse.


Another thought on amends:  What would be your true motives in telling your husband?  If a significant portion of it would be to assuage your own guilt, then I would advise against it.  In other words, your husband is not your dumping ground, so to speak.  Another thing to consider is this:  Would it cause more harm than good? 

In 12-Step fellowships, Step 9 deals with making amends for harm we have caused others, and it reads like this: "We made direct amends to those we had harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others."  (emphasis mine) 

However, if you feel enough time has passed, you feel significantly healed, and feel it's necessary, then make the amends.  But be prepared for any consequences.  I've been told an amends is making something right.  It's not just saying I'm sorry.  It's making a change.  Someone suggested to me that when I'm making amends to ask the person I've offended what I can do to make the situation right, and then listen to what they have to say.  If you are a praying person, ask for guidance that way first.  Talking to a religious person sounds like a decent idea.  Good luck.

PhoenixRising - BPD has an email that I sent him for safekeeping that he has never given back to me.  When we were still talking, I asked him to print it out for me and then deltet it and he said his printer was out of ink.  When I asked him to email it back to me then delete it, he said that was 'too risky.'  Then he hugged me and promised he would print it out then delete it.  We stopped talking to each other a couple weeks later.

He has not attempted ANY kind of contact with me at all since then - that was August.  But I have such anxiety that he will do soemthing with that email... . that my husband will find out from someone else first.  I don't know if BPD has shown it to anyone or not or if he will.  I feel like a puppet on a string to him with this matter.

Sheepdog, I'm a little late to this thread but I wanted to reply anyway. I feel somewhat like you do.  My uBPDbf "sucked me in" in sort of the same way, although we did have sex and we were both married.      He told me over and over again how unhappy his marriage was and my (now) x-H and I were growing apart in our marriage so I was also unhappy.  I knew what I was doing was wrong but uBPDbf made me feel special and loved.  I guess any man (with or without BPD) could have done that. 

I divorced a good, loving man to enter into the r/s with uBPDbf and we now own a house together and have lived together for almost 4 years.  UBPDbf is not the same person I fell in love with.  That person was kind, loving and interested in me.  Since we've lived together, uBPDbf is none of those things.

I have tremendous guilt about what I did.  I broke up my family.  Now when I travel to visit my grown daughters, its either by myself or with uBPDbf.  I should be visiting my children with their father - we should be a family but I screwed it up horribly.  I'm trying to figure out how to get over the guilt but I haven't figured that out yet.  I doubt I ever will. 

I have no advice or words of wisdom for you, I just hope you can move toward forgiveness for yourself. 

toomanyeggshells - thank you for sharing your story.  It sounds like you are still in love with your ex husband?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #66 on: May 30, 2013, 05:46:29 PM »

... . My therapist has said that if BPD wasn't so very manipulative and if he wasn't mentally ill and was just another guy that I would not have engaged.

I think a religious figure is just going to think that anything I say is an excuse.

sheepdog, that sounds like your own fear and judgement speaking... . not the response I would expect you to get.

Especially since you have personally not just acknowledged that you did something wrong... . you have tried to tear your own soul to shreds over it!

 Keep looking for how you can forgive yourself. You are worth it.
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #67 on: May 31, 2013, 10:17:51 AM »

Whether or not you ever hear from exBPD again, it sounds like you are living in fear, like Grey Kitty mentioned.  Keep working on making peace with yourself and the fear will slowly subside.  I would likely advise against making any amends until you feel more at ease with yourself.  Otherwise, it will probably be hard to determine what your motives are, as fear distorts things.  If exBPD hasn't brought it up in 9 months, hopefully he won't bring it up at all.  One day at a time.  Hang in there!   
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arabella
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« Reply #68 on: May 31, 2013, 12:03:29 PM »

What if you spoke to a religious figure and asked him/her what they thought re telling your husband? Perhaps the conversation would give you more clarity re what you want/need to do? It can't hurt and it is a confidential conversation, so it is a safe place to work some of this out. Maybe worth a shot?

Hi arabella, yes that is what I would like to do.  I just don't know what to say... . who would believe a BPD and all the stuff that goes along with that and a raging codependent and all the stuff that goes along with that.

My therapist has said that if BPD wasn't so very manipulative and if he wasn't mentally ill and was just another guy that I would not have engaged.

I think a religious figure is just going to think that anything I say is an excuse.

Far be it for me to pass judgment on anyone but, Sheepdog, I don't think this is a healthy way to think. I understand that you have been very hurt in the past and that others have betrayed your trust - that is very difficult to get past. You seem to have a very ingrained lack of trust in everyone around you. That makes sense. You don't trust your husband to listen and forgive you. You don't even trust a religious figure to listen and give you advice. Sheep, you are not an island - you can't do all of this work alone. You are passing judgment on how others will react without even giving them a chance. I know it's scary (oh my, is it EVER!) but sometimes healing takes a leap of faith... . Do you think you might be able to reach out at see what's really there, not just what the fear in your mind is telling you might be there?
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sheepdog
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« Reply #69 on: June 17, 2013, 12:03:54 PM »

... . My therapist has said that if BPD wasn't so very manipulative and if he wasn't mentally ill and was just another guy that I would not have engaged.

I think a religious figure is just going to think that anything I say is an excuse.

sheepdog, that sounds like your own fear and judgement speaking... . not the response I would expect you to get.

Especially since you have personally not just acknowledged that you did something wrong... . you have tried to tear your own soul to shreds over it!

 Keep looking for how you can forgive yourself. You are worth it.

Grey Kitty - what you said about tearing my soul to shreds caught my breath.  I have.  I do.  I can not find peace.  I can't get forgiveness from myself. 

I used to be so grateful about everything.  Felt so blessed to be alive.  So much energy and loved every day - finding the goodness in each.

Now... .

Whether or not you ever hear from exBPD again, it sounds like you are living in fear, like Grey Kitty mentioned.  Keep working on making peace with yourself and the fear will slowly subside.  I would likely advise against making any amends until you feel more at ease with yourself.  Otherwise, it will probably be hard to determine what your motives are, as fear distorts things.  If exBPD hasn't brought it up in 9 months, hopefully he won't bring it up at all.  One day at a time.  Hang in there!   

I understand so much what you are saying.  But marriage is supposed to be about truth.  And every day I am being untruthful.

But I see the other side, too.

I am stuck on - everything.  My husband is a photographer and when BPD moved in to his new place, we blew up one of my husband's photos and gave it to him.  Why did I do that?  It gives me so much anger that I did that.  What the hell is wrong with me?  And it gives me SO much anger that that beautiful, innocent photo is hanging in BPDs apartment.  I freaking hate it.

What if you spoke to a religious figure and asked him/her what they thought re telling your husband? Perhaps the conversation would give you more clarity re what you want/need to do? It can't hurt and it is a confidential conversation, so it is a safe place to work some of this out. Maybe worth a shot?

Hi arabella, yes that is what I would like to do.  I just don't know what to say... . who would believe a BPD and all the stuff that goes along with that and a raging codependent and all the stuff that goes along with that.

My therapist has said that if BPD wasn't so very manipulative and if he wasn't mentally ill and was just another guy that I would not have engaged.

I think a religious figure is just going to think that anything I say is an excuse.

Far be it for me to pass judgment on anyone but, Sheepdog, I don't think this is a healthy way to think. I understand that you have been very hurt in the past and that others have betrayed your trust - that is very difficult to get past. You seem to have a very ingrained lack of trust in everyone around you. That makes sense. You don't trust your husband to listen and forgive you. You don't even trust a religious figure to listen and give you advice. Sheep, you are not an island - you can't do all of this work alone. You are passing judgment on how others will react without even giving them a chance. I know it's scary (oh my, is it EVER!) but sometimes healing takes a leap of faith... .   Do you think you might be able to reach out at see what's really there, not just what the fear in your mind is telling you might be there?

arabella, you and the ones above made me cry.  I would give anything to be sheepdog again.  I miss her.

Can you tell me what you meant by Do you think you might be able to reach out at see what's really there, not just what the fear in your mind is telling you might be there? ?

You said I seem to have a very ingrained lack of trust.  Wow.  That gave me pause.  Because I do.  How did you know? 

And now, it's worse.  I question everyone.  I do not trust myself.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #70 on: June 17, 2013, 11:09:57 PM »

  I wasn't trying to make you cry. Now that I think about it, you are nearly making me cry. It just seems so painful what you are going through now, I can hardly imagine.

Maybe you need to cry. Grieve for sheepdog's innocence.

 GK
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #71 on: July 02, 2013, 10:28:02 PM »

Staff only


This thread has passed the 4 page limit and has been continued here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206797.0
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