I sit and think

[Exy725]

Hi,

I have decided not to go into work today ... .   Im not sure what it is I actually feel since I found out my mother has BPD.

It was easier thinking she was simply just a btch who treated me and dad badly. I used to just shut her out, ignore her attempts to draw me in to her madness.

I shut her out for years and it worked, if I didnt want to call her when she left a message, I ignored the message, if I didnt want to see her when she asked to catch up, I just said I was too busy. If she raged at me I dimissed her and it didnt touch me.

I didnt allow her to be in my life as it was either too painful or just too hard.

Its all so different now... . she's not mad, she sick with the madness of what BPD does to her mind. I feel sad, lost and no longer in control of anything.

My counsellor and I are attempting to put boudaries in place, but Im still triggered when she rages, blames everyone else for her mistakes and has not sense of accountability for her actions.

I know that she is in pain and thats what upsets me ... .   I cant take the pain away ... .   Im trying to change me so she can feel better, but its going to take time and I cant help but feel I dont have time and there's an urgency for me to find every bit of information about BPD to help mum get better.

The skills I need to learn, the signs I need to be aware of, so I dont make her feel worse overwhelm me, she's not Guineapig for me to practice on, thats how I feel.

Where is the positive side to BPD... .   is there anything positive to gain from living a life with a parent who has BPD?

I get mindfulness, I get wise mind... .   but i cant get there quick enough ... . in the mean time she ranges, she’s in pain and I keep trying to be mindful as best I can be for now.

I feel  stuck and consumed with BPD in my life, I feel consumed with my mum, she wants, she needs, she cries, she controls... .

I sit here unable to move... . only think and think and think

 

[daze]

Exy,

I know that she is in pain and thats what upsets me ... .   I cant take the pain away ... .   Im trying to change me so she can feel better, but its going to take time and I cant help but feel I dont have time and there's an urgency for me to find every bit of information about BPD to help mum get better.

The skills I need to learn, the signs I need to be aware of, so I dont make her feel worse overwhelm me, she's not Guineapig for me to practice on, thats how I feel.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time with the new knowledge that your mom is BPD.  I get it.  I'm going through a similar time with my mom who is narcissistic and possibly borderline, but I am 47 and I'm just now addressing my issues.

Have you looked at the Lessons on the Staying board?  Though the Staying board is for people with significant others who are BPD, most of the Lessons are good for anyone close to a pwBPD.  Please have a look.  The lessons will help.

You can practice validating people here on this board and in real life with anyone.  It's a communication skill that we can all use more of.  SET is support, empathy, truth.

JADE is what you try to avoid in communications with pwBPD.  Justify, argue, defend, explain.

DEARMAN is used when you need to negotiate something with the pwBPD ---

D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.

E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.

M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.

A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.

N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?

Maybe that will help a little.  Check out the Lessons and keep posting!



Daze

[Exy725]

Thanks Daze for the informtion on lessons. I will take a look and practice, practice and then practice some more.

   

[GeekyGirl]

Daze has given you some really good information, Exy. I use SET all the time--even at work. It can make communicating with someone with BPD much easier, because it helps them to feel heard and understood.

How are you doing today? It's very painful learning that a parent has BPD. 

[Exy725]

Hi Guys,

Thanks Geekgirl for info on SET... . will investigate.

I’m feeling very strange today and Im not really sure why... .   I think I’m feeling out of sync, like there is a weight that’s so heavy its preventing me from moving forward and dealing with the knowledge of having a PBD mother.

Mum told me on Sunday nite it was me that was leading her to commit suicide... . I didn’t feel responsible in anyway, but wasn’t sure if she was serious or if it was a bluff to get me to succumb to what she wanted from me. I took it on face value and called emergency services for an ambulance just in case.

As it turned out she was ok and sent home the following morning. I guess the upside is that I got a call from the CAT team (crisis assessment team) to ask me about her medical history, which has lead to the CAT team arranging with mum to go out and provide an assessment of her mental health status. After the assessment a treatment plan will be put in place based on the findings of the assessment.

Mum has told me she's being treated by a psychiatrist but only for Bi Polar, I don’t believe the psyc has any idea she has BPD, or she could be lying about seeing a psyc, it wouldn’t be the first time she has told a fib.

Im hoping that the CAT team and with the information I have provided that she will get the proper treatment finally. I just cant see me continuing with the way things have been with mum, its been complete madness. Im just not prepared to put myself back in the madness with her, I wont make it and this is possibly why Im feel ing like I am... .    

It could all fall apart and Im back to square one ... . only this time I will be done!  I have tried in the past to get the CAT team out to complete an assessment, she did make an appointment, but when the time came she refused to let them in and denied making an appointment for an assessment... .  

I put a boundary in place that if she chooses not to go through with the assessment, that will be it for her and I. I will cease all contact with her.

I know that the PBD doesn’t do well in treatment if there given an ultimatum and its preferable they come to the realisation that they need treatment themselves, but if she’s feeling like Im about to abandoning her my life becomes hell. She places so much pressure on me with demands, she start to rage and it goes on and on to the point where I’m triggered and feel suffocated by her.

Things need to get better with mum and I as I just cant see things moving forward without this assessment.

Her medication doesn’t appear to be doing anything in the way of stabilising her moods, she’s on antidepressants, but is more depressed than I have ever seen her before... . she’s 73 years old. ... . the last 5-7years have gotten progressively worse with her mental state.

Thank you all for taking the time to ask me how Im going, its greatly appreciated.

I feel like there is someone there I can reach out to and Im not alone... .   thank you again and take care.

[GeekyGirl]

You did the right thing by taking your mother's talk of suicide seriously. I'm sorry that you had to do that, but even if you suspect that your mother isn't serious, getting the proper authorities involved is the best thing to do.

You're not alone here. I know that strange overwhelmed feeling that you described, and I know that many other members can relate. You're going through a tough time with your mother, and from what you've said, it sounds like you've been coping with some very disruptive behavior from her for quite a while.

Im trying to change me so she can feel better, but its going to take time and I cant help but feel I dont have time and there's an urgency for me to find every bit of information about BPD to help mum get better.

It's good that your recognize that your mother won't change, but as much as you want to, you can't make her feel better. She needs to be able to take care of herself, and it's up to her to take the steps to feel better. I know that's hard to accept. 

Ultimately the work that you're doing now will help you down the road and improve your relationship with your mother. Hopefully your mother is working with her therapist and doing similar work on herself.

The skills I need to learn, the signs I need to be aware of, so I dont make her feel worse overwhelm me, she's not Guineapig for me to practice on, thats how I feel.

Where is the positive side to BPD... .   is there anything positive to gain from living a life with a parent who has BPD?

I get mindfulness, I get wise mind... .   but i cant get there quick enough ... . in the mean time she ranges, she’s in pain and I keep trying to be mindful as best I can be for now.

There is a positive side to BPD, believe it or not. Many of us who grew up with BPD parents are actually more empathetic to others, and we're also survivors. There's something to be said for that.

Look at it this way... .   you're breaking some habits and trains of thought that you've had for quite a while, right? Change doesn't happen overnight. Learning how to deal with a BPD parent is like learning a new language or skill in a way. For now, you can start small, read up on SET and DEARMAN (both of which are great), and use them when you need them. There are lots of other tools and lessons here, but you don't need to master them all right away. You can build on these skills. We're all here to help each other. 

[daze]

Exy,

Im hoping that the CAT team and with the information I have provided that she will get the proper treatment finally. I just cant see me continuing with the way things have been with mum, its been complete madness. Im just not prepared to put myself back in the madness with her, I wont make it and this is possibly why Im feeling like I am... .    

That is very heavy and it's totally understandable why you feel this way. 

Hopefully, the CAT team and her psychiatrist will be communicating and her psychiatrist will get the full picture, like it's more than bipolar.

I put a boundary in place that if she chooses not to go through with the assessment, that will be it for her and I. I will cease all contact with her.

This is a very reasonable boundary.  I wish more family members would allow pwBPD to experience the consequences of their behavior.  As difficult as it is, it might expedite treatment, etc.

What are you doing to take care of you in all this?

Daze

[Babysteps]

Hi,

I have decided not to go into work today ... .   Im not sure what it is I actually feel since I found out my mother has BPD.

It was easier thinking she was simply just a btch who treated me and dad badly. I used to just shut her out, ignore her attempts to draw me in to her madness.

I feel exactly like this right now too. Recently I started making the connections with my uBPDmom and the disorder. She got really worse this past year because several large difficult events that happened recently.

I felt it was a lot easier to cope when she was just "a btch" because it downplayed her actions a lot. Before, she was just an irresponsible parent with some btchy moments. Now, calling it emotional abuse, it's weird to process and cope. It makes me view my whole life as a lie. A lot of things she did that I thought was normal turns out wasn't, and was actually emotional abuse. It's also weird because I realized some of my behavior and insecurities came from her actions, when before I thought it was my own fault. When it was my own fault, it was a lot less stressful because I can control it and change for the better. Now I realize it isn't my fault and I don't deserve this treatment, which makes me feel helpless. No matter what I do, she will still act in that negative way. That's frustrating to think about.

Do you see a therapist? I highly recommend trying. Believe me, just ranting to a therapist alone can help you feel better and control your emotions better. When I need to visit home on school breaks, I always have a longer session with my therapist. She gives me some coping methods and I'm able to get my negative emotions that I feel towards my mother off my chest. That way, those negative emotions are not as strong when I go home and deal with my mom. It makes reacting to her in a less damaging way a lot easier.

I feel  stuck and consumed with BPD in my life, I feel consumed with my mum, she wants, she needs, she cries, she controls... .

I sit here unable to move... . only think and think and think

I know what you mean. It can be very overwhelming. I have so much anxiety right now that it's physically painful and my insomnia dramatically worsened. I find it that I'm constantly thinking about my home situation now and it's hard to focus on school. Plus, I need to be careful drinking alcohol. With the constant thought and never ending anxiety, it turned my normal cheerful drunkness into a depressive drunk moment.

 The best you can do is try to stay on task and have a strict schedule. If you keep moving, it's easier to go about your day. Also make sure you spend some time relaxing with friends. Going out and talking over coffee (or a few drinks, depending on how you are feeling) can help a lot.