What do you tell your children about their NC graNPDarent?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My kids are 2 and 5, this isn't really an issue yet but it is going to become one. We plan to be full no contact which means my mother is not a part of my life, no sending or receiving any communication with her. The kids have two "Nanas" in my step-mom and my mother-in-law. They are wonderful. Have not seen my mother in over a year and a half.

I am not looking for advice on my specific situation but I would like it if some of the rest of you would tell me what YOU do. Do you simply act as if the grandparent does not exist? Lie? Tell the truth? Just say we don't talk to them?

Do you let them send your kids gifts or letters or stickers?

[mysoulishome]

My kids are 2 and 5, this isn't really an issue yet but it is going to become one. We plan to be full no contact which means my mother is not a part of my life, no sending or receiving any communication with her. The kids have two "Nanas" in my step-mom and my mother-in-law. They are wonderful. Have not seen my mother in over a year and a half.

I am not looking for advice on my specific situation but I would like it if some of the rest of you would tell me what YOU do. Do you simply act as if the grandparent does not exist? Lie? Tell the truth? Just say we don't talk to them?

Do you let them send your kids gifts or letters or stickers?

[Deb]

Two of my nieces have children. They range in age from 3 to 21. NONE have ever asked about their grandmother. They have never met her, she isn't discussed in their presence, but she is not a secret. One of my nieces said if it came up while the kids were little, she would say something like "your grandmother is sick and so we don't see her." But those kids are old enough to have asked, but they never have. Their normal is their dad's mom and their aunts. They also know their grandfather who was married to my dBPD sister, my niece's mother. And they have met their youngest aunt's dad and their oldest aunt's dad. That's their normal. No one has made a big deal out of it so the kids just don't seem to care. Hope that helps.

[mysoulishome]

That is reassuring. I don't feel like it has to be a bid deal, like you said, they know but they don't ask... .   and if they do you say something that is simple and truthful without being too challenging for them. I do anticipate problems at some point, if mom tries to covertly cross boundaries. Anyone had any experience with that and how have you dealt with that?

[Silke]

Same as what Deb said... .   my own "grandmother" was BPD (or other severe P disorder) so I've never met her properly. Of course ironically my mother ended up just the same as her, so I'm anxious about what I'll say to my kids one day because I want to stay NC. I never asked many questions about my so-called grandmother, and I don't remember my brother asking any either. We got the impression that she was bad and that was enough. To be honest, with a fantastic set of grandparents (paternal side), we didn't need a second lot of grandparents so it wasn't an issue. Just keep it simple and short, they'll understand.

[BlueCat]

Well, my kids were much older when I stopped talking to their grandmother. They were 8 and 11 (turned 12 that week) when the breakthrough crisis started. And we're not totally NC because we still attend family parties, so they see her at those a few times a year.

I just didn't say anything at first. About 6 months went by before one of them commented that we didn't see Grandma S much anymore. So I told them that I didn't like Grandma S's behavior and had decided not to hang out with her a lot anymore because of that.

One of the things my mother did was overshare so I'm careful not to do that with my kids. I brought up examples of things they had been part of, times she had yelled at them or stormed out of the house because of something they had said. I didn't share any private examples of tell them about my childhood or anything like that.

We talked and both of them surprised me by agreeing with me about Grandma S's behavior and even bringing up examples that I hadn't known about at the time.

I didn't say anything about BPD because even though I'm sure she has it, it's just my armchair diagnosis, and also it doesn't matter. What matters is how she treats us. What I said was that Grandma had anger issues and can't control herself and I don't want to be around someone like that. I told them that she doesn't think she has a problem and doesn't think she needs help so I had decided it was for the best to just not hang out with her a lot. I was really careful with my words and kept it vague but clear that we don't allow people to hurt us even if they "can't help it" or it's "just the way they are". Good advice for life in my opinion.

So it's been 2 1/2 years now. They see her at Christmas and family birthday parties. My daughter (now 14) sometimes talks with her but my son (now 10) doesn't. It's not that he's ignoring her, it's that she's become just another adult to make small talk with and he doesn't like small talk (my daughter however is chatty and will talk with anyone).

I hope that helps!

[frozensolid]

I told my 10 year old that we don't see my parents because I didn't like the way grandma made us feel.

Dad tried sneaking into the picture over christmas by text messaging my wife.  When she didn't respond, he tried texting me.  When I didn't respond he gave up.

I didn't want him to get close to my son only to have him go months without seeing him because he is enmeshed with the queen.  BPDmom is out of the question.  I don't want anything to do with her.  I'd like to have a relationship with my father, but he obeys her rules and he can't be consistent.

For the best interests of the child, they both had to go.

[educator]

I'm with frozensolid on this one.  My uBPD MIL essentially stepped out of our lives a year and a half ago.  She claimed she was going to be the bigger person and step out so as not to harm DD8.  Well... . she still sends her stuff on occasion.  Now that we've gone a year and a half without seeing her, we are doing so much better.  When DD8 asks, I just simply tell her that MIL didn't make us feel good and that situations she created kept us away from living our own life and feeling good.  In the year and a half we've been NC with MIL, I've almost completed a master's degree (she never wanted me to get one... . claimed I'd divorce DH    ), my DH has finished a program and has gotten his first job (MIL said he couldn't go to school and that the only way for him to get a job would be to volunteer somewhere   ) and we've been paying off credit cards and getting our finances in order.

So... . I think my DD8 sees that we are doing better without MIL's influence.  We are happier.  My DD2 is another story.  I feel that she'll hear of her grandmother from time to time, but I don't plan on talking to her about MIL unless she brings it up or DD8 brings it up.

Sorry you are having to go through this... . it's not easy.