Sad... Feeling defeated

[donniesgrrl]

I realize that I am in mourning in a way, and between the emotional turmoil and sadness I am feeling over my Grandma passing away and feeling pissed off/hurt by my UBPD mom, it is probably not that big of a deal and I am over thinking /letting her get to me.  I know that is exactly what she wants, I know she wants me to come crawling back like I have done a thousand times before only to have the cycle begin again.  I can not do it anymore, I don't want to do it anymore, I haven't and won't do it anymore... .   but as a mother of 2 children, I just can not understand how you can go weeks and weeks without giving a flying eff about your kid.  I can never imagine not texting or communicating in some form with my kids even if I was mad at them.

I know I will get through this, Just looking for some guidance and if anyone went through something similar after going little to no contact with their UBPD parent.

[Kwamina]

Hi donniesgrrl,

I can relate to your frustration about your mother seemingly not giving a f*** about you. It might help you to keep in mind that people with BPD are wired completely differently than you and I are. It's probably better not to compare what they do to what we would do in the same situation because their mind unfortunately works in a completely different manner. I’ve given up on my mother ever behaving like a real mother should do. In many ways I don’t even see her as a real person anymore because so many essential parts of a normal personality are missing in her.

Since you're already feeling sad about your grandmother passing away, I think it’s probably better for you to keep some distance from your mother now anyway. Looking at my own experiences, my uBPD mom & sis always prey on weak and/or vulnerable people and when they’d sense I was vulnerable in some way, they’d attack. When you’re already stressed these attacks are way more difficult to handle. Hope you’ll feel better soon and will get to a point where it’s a little easier accepting your mother the way she is.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm sorry that you're going through this--I know how hurt you were when your grandma passed, and it's so normal that you'd want empathy and sympathy from your mother without having to worry about her needs.

The silent treatment is awful. It's meant to make you feel insignificant and it's cruel. It's also a very ineffective way to resolve conflict. It's my mother's favorite method of punishment too, and I know how frustrating it can feel to be on the receiving end of the silent treatment.

What I've learned is that my mother (and yours, for that matter) cannot resolve conflict and talk about her feelings in a healthy way. In the past, I've apologized (even if I did nothing wrong), cried and did anything I could to get my mother to stop giving me the silent treatment. Now, I realize that it's important to know and recognize  mind[/i], she's been wounded, and I focus on figuring out what triggered her anger and (using SET) try to resolve the conflict. It doesn't mean that I condone her behavior or give up my boundaries. "Tell me why you feel... .   "

Kwamina has a good point too. You're still going through the grieving process, and it's ok to want some distance as you work through those emotions. At some point, when you're feeling better, you may find that it's easier to deal with your mother's behavior. Do what feels right to you right now as you heal.