On Taking Personal Inventory: How, exactly?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am just a big mess of influences and I don't even remember what I want to do, who I am, any of it.  I'm so mixed up with different theologies, and philosophies, and I've conceded so much of what I believe to HER that I really don't know what i do really believe, think, want, feel anymore.  I feel like I'm just a big ball, rolling through life with no particular direction, just aimlessly moving where an outside force pushes me.  I have no clue where I want to go.  I have mild glimpses from time to time of what I dream of, but for the most part, I feel like I am wrong and should believe otherwise.  If I believe what I feel I really believe, I think I'm selfish and mean or evil.  I don't really like looking too closely at my life, because I start to realize how out of whack it is.  It's just easier to listen to what she says i should believe and think, because it makes life much easier to swallow.  Maybe I just answered a little of my own question.

[Winglessfallen]

I am just a big mess of influences and I don't even remember what I want to do, who I am, any of it.  I'm so mixed up with different theologies, and philosophies, and I've conceded so much of what I believe to HER that I really don't know what i do really believe, think, want, feel anymore.  I feel like I'm just a big ball, rolling through life with no particular direction, just aimlessly moving where an outside force pushes me.  I have no clue where I want to go.  I have mild glimpses from time to time of what I dream of, but for the most part, I feel like I am wrong and should believe otherwise.  If I believe what I feel I really believe, I think I'm selfish and mean or evil.  I don't really like looking too closely at my life, because I start to realize how out of whack it is.  It's just easier to listen to what she says i should believe and think, because it makes life much easier to swallow.  Maybe I just answered a little of my own question.

[laelle]

Hey Wingless,  its good to see you posting. 

I can see your really upset.  I know what your going through, only I didnt have a child with my ex.  I can understand how you must be angry and lost.  Its a roller coaster for sure.

Im trying to see if I get what your saying correctly.

So what you are saying is that its easier to lose yourself by letting her define your life than to try to find you and defy her?

[Winglessfallen]

Hi, laelle, I'm glad you're still moving forward.

I was in a panic earlier, as I tend to get at the first post on here, especially if its been a while.

I suppose that my initial point is how do I take personal inventory, how do I push out the voices and figure out what is my own?

The statement in my post is basically saying that a lot of the time, I feel like I think differently than she does, and its just easier to just agree with her and not pursue what I actually think than to think my own thoughts and get into arguements.  I used to do that when we started dating/living together, but it just got to the point that I stopped and just nod my head, because I actually disagree with a lot of what she's saying, but nine times out of ten, her reaction is so angry or upset that I, for whatever reason, lose my ability to back my thoughts up.  My brain ends up becoming mush.

[laelle]

It was the same for me Wingless.  If I spoke up, I would get beaten down with his truth, and I really couldnt bother with it.  The one time I did, I got dumped.

Ok, I meant every time I do, I get dumped.

I am sure that some of the good folks here can add a better perspective than I can atm.  My brain is all mushy like oatmeal from the dumping. 

Just wanted to give you a   and tell you that I understand.

[Maryiscontrary]

Boy, a lot of us understand how you feel.

What is the prevailing feeling you get... .   the one that sticks out... .   about yourself now that you are detaching from her?

[Winglessfallen]

I'm not detaching, at least not in the leaving sense, I guess... .   or in a staying sense.  I guess I'm still enmeshed.  It feels wrong not to be.  Like today, she didn't sleep well and I went home on my lunch to help her instead of going to my T appt, which she didn't know about.  To tell her to tough it out and watch our son would have resulted in a huge guilt trip, so I just went home, watched our son and came back. 

And honestly, there is nothing in me, for the most part, but negative emotions.  I feel like i'm pretty much worthless, and angry.  I feel like I wasted my entire life, and have no hope to go anywhere, because every time we aim in a direction she changes her mind. So, all in all, I feel like i'm just a shell.  Just going through the motions, bankrolling her life working in a job that sucks my life, going home to a woman that sucks my life out of me and walking around hoping I don't set her off, trying not to feel so overburdened that I go off, and generally just trying to find the basic human strength to keep my arm from putting the knife to my throat.

[Maryiscontrary]

Okay. This is very valid. Do you want to do what it takes to address these valid feelings?

[Winglessfallen]

I suppose I do.  It just feels pointless half the time.  The only reason I can hope for trying to grasp onto my own thoughts is that she will leave.  At least thats how it seems sometimes.  She left her exH after 10 years and two kids because he didn't believe in Christianity, so sometimes I get a little bit of hope that it could happen to me, too.

But, yes, stay or leave, I suppose I need to get these feelings sorted, or I will waste everything and be a terrible example for my son.

[maria1]

Winglessfallen

It sounds like you are at the end of your tether. I'm so sorry.

I've seen your posts before and always admire your strength to keep going through what actually sounds pretty much impossible to me. But you keep going.

I hope we can find a way to support you on here.

You mentioned glimpses of what you dream of. Is it too painful for you to think about exploring them on here?

[Maryiscontrary]

Well, just think it over. Really, for me, it's what I feel I can live with. You seem under a lot of strain. Can you live like this? Do you think this stress might affect your health?

[Winglessfallen]

maria1:The worst of it comes out in my posts.  We have some good times, and some connection, but I feel like a lot of the time it only happens because I keep my mouth shut and forgo things I want, from Only watching what she wants, to going to the church she wants to go to, to not seeing my friends so she doesn't feel left out, to moving because she feels "called" somewhere.  Basically, if I shut myself off and do everything she could possibly need/want me to, the relationship is awesome, .

I am just really mixed up on what I want and whats ok, whats selfish and whats good, etc.  I don't know if its too painful, per se, but its definitely very confusing.

Mary:I don't know if I can keep living like this. it is affecting my mental health, for sure.  I have many moments of self harm (nothing too extreme) and suicidal thoughts, as well as frustrated outbursts.  The lack of sleep gets to me pretty often as well.  not only feeling obligated to stay up until midnight or later with her or because of chores, but also the fact that my son gets up multiple times a night for food, and she doesn't take him at night at all, unless we're both still up. There have been time when he gets up, and she will have the monitor on in her room and will come up and hassle me while I'm feeding him, or I will fall asleep with him in my arms and she will burst in and freak out about it, so when he wakes up, I tend to start getting anxiety about her having an outburst, as well as just feeling like I'm not going to get back to sleep.  Among a lot of other things.