Still a little confused about it all.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When I finally answered my dBPD-exgf phone call Friday after her attempting to contact me every two weeks and me ignoring it up until that point I got what many look for. An apology. But not the general blanket I'm sorry that most people get. It was very very specific. She apologized specifically for many many things she had done wrong, almost everything she had done wrong and owned up to it. She had said that all those things she didn't understand how it undermined our relationship at the time, and she should have not done them, things would have been different. She said it took her the past month to workup the courage to call me and wanted to hear my voice and know I was okay.

It was great I got those very specific apologies, I never said I forgive her, I just let her keep talking.

I'm still thrown for a bit of a loop here though, because despite all that, and her crying telling me she misses me repeatedly and loves me. When I asked her if she really means everything she says then do something to fix it I was just met with silence.

I know she is not in another relationship. But she is extremely promiscuous and has slept with many men over the past 1 1/2 months. But I know they are just using her for the easy sex, sad really.

I've been blocked on facebook, but my buddy told me she had been posting statuses about how she misses living with me wishes she never had to leave, thinking about me, etc. I am the dumper in this situation, I always have been the dumper because I have strong boundaries.

Got off on a tangent here. I guess I'm confused on how to proceed with the healing. I mean other than the phone call, she hasn't contacted me since and has made no effort like I told her to do on the phone. How should I take this phone call then? Just her trying to make herself feel better for all the crap she did, or a genuine call and a prelude to getting back together? I'd like it to be the latter, but again she hasn't put forth an effort.

[rockhardabsman]

When I finally answered my dBPD-exgf phone call Friday after her attempting to contact me every two weeks and me ignoring it up until that point I got what many look for. An apology. But not the general blanket I'm sorry that most people get. It was very very specific. She apologized specifically for many many things she had done wrong, almost everything she had done wrong and owned up to it. She had said that all those things she didn't understand how it undermined our relationship at the time, and she should have not done them, things would have been different. She said it took her the past month to workup the courage to call me and wanted to hear my voice and know I was okay.

It was great I got those very specific apologies, I never said I forgive her, I just let her keep talking.

I'm still thrown for a bit of a loop here though, because despite all that, and her crying telling me she misses me repeatedly and loves me. When I asked her if she really means everything she says then do something to fix it I was just met with silence.

I know she is not in another relationship. But she is extremely promiscuous and has slept with many men over the past 1 1/2 months. But I know they are just using her for the easy sex, sad really.

I've been blocked on facebook, but my buddy told me she had been posting statuses about how she misses living with me wishes she never had to leave, thinking about me, etc. I am the dumper in this situation, I always have been the dumper because I have strong boundaries.

Got off on a tangent here. I guess I'm confused on how to proceed with the healing. I mean other than the phone call, she hasn't contacted me since and has made no effort like I told her to do on the phone. How should I take this phone call then? Just her trying to make herself feel better for all the crap she did, or a genuine call and a prelude to getting back together? I'd like it to be the latter, but again she hasn't put forth an effort.

[sad but wiser]

Recycling.  A very common event.  The apologies and the sweetness, etc.  Back together, then worse off than before.  Read some of the info on this phenomena.  You also should be concerned about stds.

[byasliver]

I am still VERY NEW to this so keep that in mind when reading my 2 cents. 

You said you have very strong boundaries and isn't the point of that to stick to them so that you remain in a positive and healthy situation? If she hasn't "done something to fix" as you requested, then she hasn't respected your boundary - no go.

I do know that it's a very difficult situation to be in. It must be wonderfully cathartic to hear those acknowledgements and apologies but keep your mind on the long haul. If you give in too quickly now, you only set both of you up for possible future distress.

[rockhardabsman]

You said you have very strong boundaries and isn't the point of that to stick to them so that you remain in a positive and healthy situation? If she hasn't "done something to fix" as you requested, then she hasn't respected your boundary - no go.

This is EXACTLY why I have not put in the effort to try and fix the relationship. If I do this, it would be breaking my boundary. It's exactly why I want HER to put forth the effort. I could accept her apology and everything else if she put forth the effort. I'm just taken aback she didn't try when I told her that's what she needs to do.

And sad... . I did get an STD check... .   I'm quite shocked I am clean. I hate calling a woman a slut... .   but when you have close to 75 different partners in 6 years... .   that's not normal. Not even for a man. But I know it's in part due to the BPD/alcoholism needing attention.

[rockhardabsman]

Recycling.  A very common event.  The apologies and the sweetness, etc.  Back together, then worse off than before.  Read some of the info on this phenomena.  You also should be concerned about stds.

If this was a recycle wouldn't she have said she wanted to work things out, or want to see me? I didn't get that.

[hithere]

She might be keeping you warm on-the-side, probably has a few other guys on the hook and wants to see if she really needs to go back to you or not.  She probably realizes she has you all set-up for a quick recycle if she needs you.

Do you go for therapy?  You don't seem to have many nice things to say about this woman, why do you want her back?

[rockhardabsman]

She might be keeping you warm on-the-side, probably has a few other guys on the hook and wants to see if she really needs to go back to you or not.  She probably realizes she has you all set-up for a quick recycle if she needs you.

Do you go for therapy?  You don't seem to have many nice things to say about this woman, why do you want her back?

Oh I have plenty of good things to say about her. Many many good things really. It's just being that this is a board that mainly focuses on the negatives of BPD and people wanting to know how to handle the negatives.

[briefcase]

Your boundary seems to be that you won't work on the relationship unless she works on herself first (and works to your satisfaction . . . her apology alone wasn' t enough).  There is nothing wrong with this boundary.  

But, if you have an interest in getting back with her, then maybe tell her more specifically what you are looking for from her.  :)o you expect her to see a therapist?  Get DBT?  It's a little unfair to just tell her to "do something" to fix this.  If she has BPD, it will take years of therapy and work to recover from (if she wants to do the work).  It's a real mental illness, and not something she chose. Being concrete about your expectations may help.    

On a more general level, this relationship won't work if you put all the onus on her to do the work while you wait to see what she does.  If she makes a positive move, you should then work on your end of this too.  It sounds like you don't have a huge issue with boundaries, but it would be worth looking into communication techniques and emotional validation and some of the other tools.             

[byasliver]

She might be keeping you warm on-the-side, probably has a few other guys on the hook and wants to see if she really needs to go back to you or not.  She probably realizes she has you all set-up for a quick recycle if she needs you.

Do you go for therapy?  You don't seem to have many nice things to say about this woman, why do you want her back?

Oh I have plenty of good things to say about her. Many many good things really. It's just being that this is a board that mainly focuses on the negatives of BPD and people wanting to know how to handle the negatives.

Not knocking this or any of the other boards but the "Staying" board seems much more positive. When I first found bpdfamily.com, I read so many posts but the ones in the "Leaving" and "Undecided" depressed and worried me. I try to stick to the "Staying" board now.

It sounds like you are more frustrated than anything. Deep in the "push-pull" game that so many BPD sufferers play. It works because we still love them and long for things to work out. Wish I knew some magic words to make it easier for you - for all of us.

[rockhardabsman]

She might be keeping you warm on-the-side, probably has a few other guys on the hook and wants to see if she really needs to go back to you or not.  She probably realizes she has you all set-up for a quick recycle if she needs you.

Do you go for therapy?  You don't seem to have many nice things to say about this woman, why do you want her back?

Oh I have plenty of good things to say about her. Many many good things really. It's just being that this is a board that mainly focuses on the negatives of BPD and people wanting to know how to handle the negatives.

Not knocking this or any of the other boards but the "Staying" board seems much more positive. When I first found bpdfamily.com, I read so many posts but the ones in the "Leaving" and "Undecided" depressed and worried me. I try to stick to the "Staying" board now.

It sounds like you are more frustrated than anything. Deep in the "push-pull" game that so many BPD sufferers play. It works because we still love them and long for things to work out. Wish I knew some magic words to make it easier for you - for all of us.

I was on the staying board actually, don't know why they moved me here because I know what I want. I guess the big question I ruminate on is what to expect from this communication. I mean on one hand I got people saying it's a recycle... .   but she never mentioned anything about wanting to work on things. The only thing I garnered from it is despite all her "toys" non has latched on more than just a f-buddy and apparently with her crying and all she still has a deep attachment to me. Guess all the amazing things I did over the past 1 1/2yrs that she lost cant be forgotten over a month an a half.

[hithere]

Not knocking this or any of the other boards but the "Staying" board seems much more positive.

I agree it does appear more positive and if you have plans on staying you should definitely head over there but I personally find it more depressing there... .   it seems most people on that board are so deep in the FOG that they are celebrating and grasping at things that make me cringe.

[byasliver]

hithere, I don't think it was too critical. I think it is a great reminder to those of us trying to hold our relationships together that we need to make sure we aren't in a FOG state. 

[briefcase]

I was on the staying board actually, don't know why they moved me here because I know what I want.

It never ceases to amaze me at just how promiscuous my ex is. I mean P-R-O-M-I-S-C-U-O-S! Were talking 75 partners in 5 years, and 13 in the past 1 1/2 months since I kicked her out. And the sick part is they are all "just friends." I mean is it just me or is that a lot? I know we are in the sexual liberation age but just seems too much.

Grosses me out when I see stuff from guys on her facebook

I mean, do BPD's ever reflect and think... .   wow I'm a s-l-u-t? Meh... .   all it does is just make me think that phone call last friday to me was nothing but BS. I'm surprised im STD free, I just got checked... .   she bare-backs all the time. How can she honestly be happy, I mean she must know all these guys only care about her for whats in between her legs.

Don't be jealous. I too was hoping for validation as well. I got it, and all it did was piss me off more! Because despite saying all the things she did wrong and apologizing and telling me how much she loves me, crying saying she misses me etc. Her actions show the complete opposite. So I'm pissed.

I guess what they say is true though, they do pick easier marks.

Just going from some of the things you've written recently, it seems like your feelings for this girl are, at least, ambivalent.  That's not uncommon.  

Have you spent some time working through the "choosing a path" steps here on this board?  Maybe focus a little more on you and why you want to be with this girl and a little less on her behaviors.