"You're the one who destroyed our marriage"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

"You're the one who destroyed our marriage."  That is what my exBPD wife told me.  I do own the fact that I had an EA but there is a long list of things, including assaulting me, that my exBPD wife did which also contributed to "destroying the marriage".  Could she really think that I'm the only one who "destroyed" our marriage?

[Scott44]

"You're the one who destroyed our marriage."  That is what my exBPD wife told me.  I do own the fact that I had an EA but there is a long list of things, including assaulting me, that my exBPD wife did which also contributed to "destroying the marriage".  Could she really think that I'm the only one who "destroyed" our marriage?

[mitchell16]

I got the same thing after she got drunk, raged at me, called ex boyfriend while sitting in front of me. She them got mad because I wouldn't give her the car keys. Told me she done with the relationship, done with therapy and never wanted to speak to me again. 3 weeks later she starts calling. I'm nc and don't answer she leaves me vm telling me the break up was all my fault. Of course she was in a drunken rage again. So I find this to be very typical BPD behavior from my experience.

[hithere]

I heard much of the same with my BPD ex - we would fight, she would rage for hours, then she would tell me all I had to do was A, B or C and the fight would never have happened or escalated, A, B and C were a moving target though... .  

Could she really think that I'm the only one who "destroyed" our marriage?

Probably, people with BPD re-write history and live in a different reality.

[Allure]

Does it really matter who destroyed the marriage and why it is destroyed?

I think what matters are:

1. Are you committed in staying in your marriage and making everything in your power to make it work?

2. If not, what are you going to do about it?

3. If you get out of the marriage, are you committed on rebuilding yourself and your life so you can be ready when you meet another person you want to commit yourself to?

In short, tell her what my husband told his ex wife after years of being divorced and she keeps blaming him for the demise of their marriage... .  

"Who cares? It is what it is... .   Move on... .   "

[hithere]

I think people on the leaving boards are looking for their reasons because they want to understand what their contribution is so they can have closure by accepting their part (once they understand it) and also so they don't make the same mistakes.  The problem is that those with BPD blame everything on the non's

[Allure]

Oh I'm sorry, I did not realize the boards I was in... .  

In that case, I can share how my husband dealt with his own marriage and subsequent divorce... .  

In the beginning, he would dance around his ex wife's mood swings and wishes but constantly confused with all the mixed messages. He blamed himself for not understanding her better and not being able to forgive her from all her extra marital affairs.

He would actually listen to what his ex wife would complain about him and would change to be the way she wanted him to be, only to be told the next day that he misunderstood her and she would complain about something else. This went on for 10 years while they were married and 2 more years after the divorce. After their divorce and even when we started dating, she would constantly tell him that he is nothing and that if he would have been a better husband, they would still be married.

All this ranting and raging at him would make him doubt about his ability to be a good husband.

Once we got married, he placed boundaries and went to court and asked for a Parenting Coordinator so the only way for her to communicate with him is via emails cc'd to the Parenting Coordinator.

It's been a year and I can tell you that my husband has become the husband I've always wanted... .   very confident and very sure that he is a good husband except recently, I've been having to read her emails but that is another story.

My point is DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE TO BLAME FOR THEIR FAILURES. My husband now looks back and says marrying her was a mistake and he should have gotten out of the marriage 2 years in before they started having children.

People have told him that he should not regret marrying his ex wife because they have beautiful children together. My husband's response is he could have had beautiful children with other women he would have been married to if he left her early on.

[clairedair]

DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE TO BLAME FOR THEIR FAILURES.

I think one of the reasons I kept trying again was that I was told I had ruined his career/life in general and although, rationally, I knew that this was more about his projection and not wanting to be the 'bad guy', I was at the same time desperate to get him to see that this wasn't true.

He would be able to take responsibility/accept that it wasn't all my fault when he wanted to reconcile and I was being idealised again but it would just take something innocuous to remind him that I had destroyed our marriage. 

Thanks for the reminder, Allure.

[Scott44]

Even though I have been out on a couple of really fun dates with other people, I am still having trouble detaching and I still spend too much time and energy thinking about what I could have done to save my marriage with my BPD ex wife.

[lockedout]

It takes one to harm a relationship but two to destroy it.

Besides, was the marriage really SO GOOD that it was worth saving? Theoretically, even if you did turn over a new leaf and become Mr. Wonderful and "save" the marriage, how would you have benefited from it? So you can deal with her projecting, blaming, gaslighting, passive-aggressiveness, withholding sex as punishment, inciting fights so you'd get upset and "abuse her? So you could be made to feel guilty for you emotional affair for the rest of her life while she had a series of her own for which no only lacked remorse, but justified or denied even if caught red-handed?

My STBX (separated but holding off while I rebuild my sense of self and learn the process to avoid a lengthy legal battle) blames me as well. She's going to a therapy group for abused and battered women (for trying to get her to own up to her part of what went wrong?). Three months later she still blames me for her current state of unhappiness (isn't the current arrangement what she wanted?).

In my case who is to blame? I live on a no-fault state. I own a condo on the beach with plenty of equity that I had ten years before getting married (never put her name to it either)and I'm leaning towards selling it. If she insists on having the house, it has no equity. My son is doing just fine and I document accurately my time with him and every snide comment from her. He's adjusting well and my relationship with him is much healthier now - partly because he's still too young to pick up on the dynamics. I've taken up running and I've been doing 5k races. I'm 38 and look 28; currently juggling a blonde, a redhead, and maybe soon a brunette who's also a marathon runner (interesting story on that one; plus she's HOT).

So who was to blame for the failure of the marriage? Can you give me a reason to give a flip about who was to blame at this point? She'll tell you and everyone who has the free time to listen that I'm 100% to blame; that I'm Satan and she's the victim. I supposed I could make that argument to a certain extent but that's not going to help me move on. What could I have done differently? Left sooner. If it means some divine promise of never, ever going back to that s***ty, miserable, pathetic, and  depressing existence, I'll assume 100% of the blame if that's all it takes.

I'll admit that I miss my house and still struggle with the anger and sadness of it all; it's a process that will take time and I'm at peace with that aspect of it. I have my good days and bad days and regardless of how many new ladyfriends want to talk, text, or hang out, I still need time (sometimes days at a time) just to be alone and not talk to anyone.

[motherof1yearold]

Yes as many have said, it is common. BPD's are blamers- everything is YOUR fault! That is their defense mechanism.

When have they ever taken accountability for anything in the relationship? probably never. So after the relationship when you have been split black it is even worse. But don't fret, many (including myself) are going through the same thing. I'm about 9 months out of my divorce and his distortions are horrendous. Of course everything is my fault! Distortion campaigns are at their strongest right now with ex BPD.  I've lost everyone except my family (most of them) and my co workers . Frustrating? Yes. But we all have no option but to work through it in our own ways.

[Scott44]

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone.  I am hoping this all gets better someday.

[birdlady]

Thanks for sharing your stories everyone.  I am hoping this all gets better someday.

It will.  Time and perspective does it. A very short time ago I was where you are.  I'm letting go because I have to in order to take care of myself.  We have a choice to stay in pain or move ahead with our lives on our own.  That doesn't mean it is quick or without effort. It helps to have group or individual therapy or support. But having that goal and working to moving ahead to a new life is using emotional energy wisely.

Btw, I made the decision to retain an attorney and file for the divorce first, the night he sat me down and gave me a long list of all my " failings" that justified his affair and his divorcing me. I looked up at him and said I would accept my 50%. He said absolutely nothing. It hurt but it was a huge wake up. There is no fixing a relationship where one person firmly blames the other for everything.