She finally responded to a text

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Not the result I desired.

Me- "Can we please be on good terms before I move? There's no need for hatred, I harbor no bad feelings toward you. Are you doing ok?"

Her- "I don't hate you and have no bad feelings. So the terms are good I'm fine and hope you are too."

Me- "That's good, I've been worried. Has the puppy gotten bigger?"

Her-"No. No need to worry."

Me- "Here's a pic of my new pup. I'm not saying we should be best friends but I hope we can stay friends-ish. I still care about you regardless of how things have turned out."

Her- "That's cute. Okay "

Me- "Thanks for talking to me. And thanks for this: I've realized a lot about myself and this is the most I've ever changed for the better."

Her- "I'm glad "


Keep in mind that she was completely ignoring any sort of attempt to reach out where I was spilling my heart out to her before this. And she's seemingly starting up something new with some church guy. She's a very verbose person, so she was being extremely short for her. The smiley faces and entire conversation just didn't seem at all genuine to me.

[mtmc01]

Not the result I desired.

Me- "Can we please be on good terms before I move? There's no need for hatred, I harbor no bad feelings toward you. Are you doing ok?"

Her- "I don't hate you and have no bad feelings. So the terms are good I'm fine and hope you are too."

Me- "That's good, I've been worried. Has the puppy gotten bigger?"

Her-"No. No need to worry."

Me- "Here's a pic of my new pup. I'm not saying we should be best friends but I hope we can stay friends-ish. I still care about you regardless of how things have turned out."

Her- "That's cute. Okay "

Me- "Thanks for talking to me. And thanks for this: I've realized a lot about myself and this is the most I've ever changed for the better."

Her- "I'm glad "


Keep in mind that she was completely ignoring any sort of attempt to reach out where I was spilling my heart out to her before this. And she's seemingly starting up something new with some church guy. She's a very verbose person, so she was being extremely short for her. The smiley faces and entire conversation just didn't seem at all genuine to me.

[Want2know]

I think it's one of those things that you can be grateful for later, as most of our last communications with our ex's were volatile or less than cordial. 

Actually, how she was responding is normally what we suggest to non's who are attempting Controlled Contact with our ex's.  Non-emotional, friendly, but not really engaging in a deep conversation.

[mtmc01]

It's just very difficult to accept and comes across as not at all genuine to me. In the end, she still placed 100% blame on me and took no responsibility. I feel like she does hold a major grudge against me and this is just a way to get me to leave her alone.

[seeking balance]

ditto everything W2K said.

Not the result I desired.

My next question was - what did you desire?  I think you answered it here.

It's just very difficult to accept and comes across as not at all genuine to me. In the end, she still placed 100% blame on me and took no responsibility. I feel like she does hold a major grudge against me and this is just a way to get me to leave her alone.

ok, your feelings are reasonable for someone hurt.

question - so what if she holds a grudge against you - why is that difficult for you?

[mtmc01]

It is difficult because of my own guilt I suppose. I feel terrible for how I acted at the end of the relationship that ultimately caused her to leave. Then, she claimed everything was about religion, and I was split black. No matter what realizations I came to about my faults in the relationship, she just came back to her newfound beliefs and used that as a reason why things could never work. She literally went from never mentioning Jesus or the bible to now posting at least one bible verse or post about Jesus or God every single day. She felt the need to announce to Facebook that she felt like "such an idiot" for not deleting the photos of us together yet. She just has treated me with such contempt and loathing since the split that this fake niceness didn't come off as very genuine. She broke up with me via a one paragraph email. She boxed herself in her mother's house the weekend she was supposedly making her "decision" and would not talk to me. The last time I saw her was our last fight that was ridiculous and about religion where really stupid things were said on both sides that I know at least I did not mean. I just want her to talk to me like a human being. This whole "controlled contact" thing to me is not a very kind way of speaking with someone who was planning their entire life around you, was engaged to be married to you next month, got a puppy with you that you took when you left and he allowed you to, put up with months and months and months of alcoholism and emotional lability and gave you chance after chance after chance.

[Clearmind]

mtmc, we each bring our own dynamic to the relationship. Generally speaking the attachment is shaky to begin with - it’s hard to build a strong relationship, that will whether any storm, if the foundation is shaky.

You are hurting right now. I get that and it’s natural for what you have gone through.

What feelings lie under that guilt? Feelings of inadequacy? Rejection?

We have an expectation in what we want to hear back from our ex’s when contact is made. We want to feel validated – we seek out validation from the very person who has invalidated us time and time again.

Work on building your own self worth - show yourself some kindness and compassion.

[mtmc01]

I'd say there are definitely feelings of rejection and inadequacy. I also feel as if she has acted like the good parts of the relationship and her many faults never happened. It's all about what I did and how I wronged her and left her apparently no choice but to leave. She seemingly found a new guy to mirror within weeks of leaving, after she told me "I need to be alone, and I can't be in a relationship right now". My self worth and confidence before we met was shaky, at best. And now... .  

[grad]

I'd say there are definitely feelings of rejection and inadequacy. I also feel as if she has acted like the good parts of the relationship and her many faults never happened. It's all about what I did and how I wronged her and left her apparently no choice but to leave. She seemingly found a new guy to mirror within weeks of leaving, after she told me "I need to be alone, and I can't be in a relationship right now". My self worth and confidence before we met was shaky, at best. And now... .  

I don't want to sound mean but when you're basically begging for her to respond to something, anything, you're not going to get everything you want out of a simple text conversation.  She has moved on but isn't completely ignoring you which shows she doesn't hate you, nothing more.  Also realize that perhaps her new guy doesn't want her communicating with exes and she's trying to respect his boundaries.  You indicated you're moving which is sort of implies this is going to be over "forever" and there's little to no chance of reconnecting ever again.  I'm wondering what your motives are in telling her this but anyways it seems like she's of the attitude that "great, you're moving, out of my life/area forever.  ok i'll be nice just so you wont contact me anymore"

[mtmc01]

She was moving with me until 6 weeks ago. My motives? I'm confused as to how someone who was saying she would die without me if I left a little over a month before leaving and actually did try to accomplish this via Celexa OD could flip a switch and suddenly be devoted to Jesus and estranged to me.

[grad]

She was moving with me until 6 weeks ago. My motives? I'm confused as to how someone who was saying she would die without me if I left a little over a month before leaving and actually did try to accomplish this via Celexa OD could flip a switch and suddenly be devoted to Jesus and estranged to me.

Moving is a big commitment and when she could see the flaws in her r/s with you and the emotional pain it was causing her (OD attempt), she realized she needed help (jesus) and someone new (new supply).

It was as if she always felt you'd eventually leave her (and as a self-defense she tried to pull you closer) and instead of letting that eventually happen, she shut you out of her life to move on.

[grad]

Basically the non almost always ends up being more committed than the pwBPD because of how much effort the pwBPD makes the non endure to continue the r/s.  That's the reason the majority of us are here, because we were abandoned yet are confused because that's what they fear most.  That core issue is largely about control in the r/s, but the pwBPD will end it when other needs are not being met

[mtmc01]

She was moving with me until 6 weeks ago. My motives? I'm confused as to how someone who was saying she would die without me if I left a little over a month before leaving and actually did try to accomplish this via Celexa OD could flip a switch and suddenly be devoted to Jesus and estranged to me.

Moving is a big commitment and when she could see the flaws in her r/s with you and the emotional pain it was causing her (OD attempt), she realized she needed help (jesus) and someone new (new supply).

It was as if she always felt you'd eventually leave her (and as a self-defense she tried to pull you closer) and instead of letting that eventually happen, she shut you out of her life to move on.

This makes a whole lot of sense. I was never going to leave her. In fact, no sane person would have endured what I did time and again with her alcoholism. But yes, she did always fear me leaving because she was "so messed up", and it does make perfect sense that she couldn't move away from her codependent mother and wanted to be the one to leave to avoid being abandoned. I just don't think anyone should go from being engaged and planning a wedding to investing in another relationship in a matter of weeks the way she did. But I guess we here on this site are not dealing with healthy people. She wanted me to own up to my issues instead of focusing on her alcohlism and BPD that she was in denial about, and when the storm calmed after she started going to AA and I realized my errors and stated that I was starting therapy and reading on them while she was making her "decision", it's like some imaginary barrier had been crossed. Black and white thinking.