Just when you think it can't get any worse... feedback pls

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am new to these boards and looking for feedback/support. I am a 47yo lesbian that recently ended my relationship with someone who is an alcoholic and I believe has BPD. I know I am a raging codependent and am getting help for that now. We had been together 4 1/2 yrs, and probably had a break-up cycle every 3 months for about 1 week. we lived together for about 1 year of the relationship, but I made her move out after she slapped my then 3yo in the face. When we met i had one daughter, i have since had 3 more children. (twins and a 10 month old) A big mistake i made was putting her name on the youngest birth certificate last June. I wanted to 'prove" to her i loved her, and she insisted that she was going to walk away forever if I didn't. She ended up pulling away even more after her was born. Things disintegrated in jan. I needed her to watch the kids so i could take my elderly mom to the hospital (she was admitted), the ex was to busy with her buddies who drink/drug. I didn't respond well, I raged and said everything horrible I could think of (scumbag, etc). I was crying and needy. Anyway, she has consistently wanted a relationship with my young children, in fact that is what drew her to me in the first place - her attachment to my daughter who was 10 months old at the time. Turns out she went behind my back and filed for custody/visitation of my kids! She has and continues to see me as evil. Others in her life can do no wrong. How do i deal with this? get my life back?

[PattyG]

I am new to these boards and looking for feedback/support. I am a 47yo lesbian that recently ended my relationship with someone who is an alcoholic and I believe has BPD. I know I am a raging codependent and am getting help for that now. We had been together 4 1/2 yrs, and probably had a break-up cycle every 3 months for about 1 week. we lived together for about 1 year of the relationship, but I made her move out after she slapped my then 3yo in the face. When we met i had one daughter, i have since had 3 more children. (twins and a 10 month old) A big mistake i made was putting her name on the youngest birth certificate last June. I wanted to 'prove" to her i loved her, and she insisted that she was going to walk away forever if I didn't. She ended up pulling away even more after her was born. Things disintegrated in jan. I needed her to watch the kids so i could take my elderly mom to the hospital (she was admitted), the ex was to busy with her buddies who drink/drug. I didn't respond well, I raged and said everything horrible I could think of (scumbag, etc). I was crying and needy. Anyway, she has consistently wanted a relationship with my young children, in fact that is what drew her to me in the first place - her attachment to my daughter who was 10 months old at the time. Turns out she went behind my back and filed for custody/visitation of my kids! She has and continues to see me as evil. Others in her life can do no wrong. How do i deal with this? get my life back?

[OTH]

 

Hi Patty,

If you want to get your life back isn't it time to end the relationship? If she has joint custody with one of your children things get more difficult of course. She is drinking and drugging? Has she been in legal trouble? Have you talked to a lawyer? I believe the only child she has legal standing with is your child she is on the birth certificate with.

[PattyG]

OTH,

At this point the relationship is over. After I found out about the court case (approx 1 week later) I ended it. I have attempted NC, but it has been hard. I would say it has been averaging once a week, either she calls me for some stupid reason or me her. It is not friendly - she accuses me of stealing the kids, cheating on her, etc. Alot of anger and hate. I did hire a lawyer a few weeks ago. He had the case postponed until 4/17 so he could be there. She was livid, posted all kinds of nasty things on facebook. She blocked me from the get go, but our mutual friends have told me. One of them has given me her log in so I check her page daily. Bad habit, I know. Last Sat, a picture of her and this girl that she spent the night with while I was pregnant (insists they are just friends) was on my newsfeed from one of her friends. I called her upset and crying. She seemed to enjoy telling me how I had killed any love she had for me, etc. Then the drunk circular conversation stated so I hung up. My lawyer says she has no legal standing to any of the kids because we were never married.  He feels it will get dismissed immediately. She, of course, believes otherwise.

In the course of this, I had to fire my babysitter last week because she kept passing info to the ex. They became friends in the course of her employment with me and every possible thing she could pass along, she did. Last tues, i told her something at 6am, and it came back to me via my ex's friend at 3p. There is no way it went thru anyone else, so I confronted the sitter and let her go.

There has been so much collateral damage from this relationship and her people (friends and family). They are all addicts/alcoholic and criminals.  She sustained alot of abuse as a child. She is paranoid and believes I have bugged her car and her apartment. Has told the sistter she is thinking of ripping down walls to find them.

She has lost jobs due to her anger issues, but no DWIs/arrests. Her close friend who she did drugs with 10 years ago and she got away from, came back into her life last march. She hid the friendship from me until after my son was born because she knew I would freak out. There has been a huge personality change since he came back. I also am starting to believe that she only stayed with me to get her name on my son's birth certificate. It came to light that she had the custody paperwork a year ago, it is evident in the way its filled out that she added my son's name. That tells me she was done with the relationship but stayed to get her name on his B.C.

[BradyK]

Hi PattyG -- Wow. This sounds incredibly complicated and painful. My own experience with a pwBPD was not as complicated -- no kids, no lawyers, shorter relationship. And I am not co-dependent, though obviously I have some issues that drew me to the r/s in the first place and kept me there, that I need to deal with.

So, I am not the best person to advise you but here is my one suggestion: Be more disciplined about your contact with her. Maybe it is not possible to go fully NC, but can you keep it very business like and impersonal? Can you let the lawyers handle it? Communicate through them? Sounds like it would also help you if you would NOT check her FB, or talk with mutual friends about her. How does this benefit you, really? It makes you sad and angry.

When you need comfort and support, or to vent about what she did to you, go to your T, go to the friends who are squarely in your court (maybe ones that don't even know her? ), and come here. Don't go to her! It won't help you. And for now, just forget the friends that have a foot in both camps.

For me, when I took control of my contact with my pwBPD, it created some space and some peace and I could start to get some perspective. I started to feel sane again. Got my balance back. It was as if I "stopped playing in the mud" and therefore stopped getting dirty. It's not easy at all, but it really helped me.

[PattyG]

Brady,

Thank you! I am trying to maintain NC and I have cut off contact with anyone in her camp. I found the article about what is NC very enlightening. I think I was in the ambivalent camp before that. I am trying to give myself positive feedback for any victory... .   no matter how small. Like tonight I went out alone, I was 2 blocks from het house but didn't drive by. Proceeded with my plan. Actually had fun! Small victory! I have been so shut down my T asked me to name 6 things I enjoy... .   I couldn't . I could name 6 things I USED to enjoy... .   but wouldn't have any interest now.