No words can describe this HORROR

[IamDevastated]

Hello everyone. I am new here. And I am absolutely destroyed and devastated... .   my soul has been extinguished down to the last iota. I really need some advice... .   First I have to give you a little back ground story: Bear with me... .   3 years ago I was pursued relentlessly by a stunning 20 year old girl. It quickly escalated into phone conversations for literally 9 hours a day etc. In the beginning we flirted and were clearly set to become lovers. Also sex was involved. But all of a sudden she said she didn´t wan´t to be lover but only friends. Fair enough. Oddly however for the next 9 months we were totally enmeshed and did not spend 1 day apart. We sure as hell felt like lovers but were only friends according to her.

Now looking back there were plenty of red signs already at this point but I didn´t know anything about BPD so I was just madly in love. This girl was my life. Then after the first 9 months a minor insignificant incident happened where I tried to set a totally reasonable boundary and it was one even to protect her. The next day I got cut off and she told me she had to "move on with her life" that we had "grown apart" etc etc. Totally crazy since we had been spending every waking hour together for the past 9 months. I now realize this was the first time she split me black. 2 months later she ~ me back but things were never the same after that first incident. The splitting became more frequent and I was subjected to CRUEL and EVIL punishments time and time again. About this time I realized that she was personality disordered and researched BPD. EVERYTHING fit. Then in late 2011 she had to drop out of her education for the third time. She called me crying hysterically and asked "What is wrong with me? Why can´t I do anything right?"... .   I took a HUGE gamble right then and there and told her I thought she had BPD. She had split me black and punished me CRUELLY before for NOTHING so I was fully aware that saying she had BPD probably was the end of our relationship. But I felt so sorry for her and KNEW that this was the only thing that could save her life. To my surprise she accepted it and sought support and BPD therapy. However there was 1 year waiting time for the therapy.

Fast forward to may 2012 after a brief period of a couple of months where things had been going somewhat ok between us she confessed to me that she was madly in love with me and that we had to become a couple. I was overjoyed and wanted to put my heart and soul into it. I already felt we had been a couple for all the time we knew each other. She even said this: "I have been in a serious relationship with a man for the last 2,5 years and that man is YOU!"... .   But already the day after we had professed our love for each other the hell started... .   Her behaviour became fullblown demonic, splittings, push-pull, the most evil and vile manipulations, triangulation (read definition)s with other pathethic insignificant hangaround mutts etc etc. One day she told me I was the center of her universe the next day I could ___ off and should never contact her again. She was so cruel and evil that words really cannot describe it. And all the time I was just scrambling to try and return to the good times we had before. It was just mindblowing chaos and destruction.  :'(

Then finally I resigned and accepted that we could not be lovers. And I told her I was happy to be friend again. She had said all along that she would also like this. So we went back to being friends... .   or so i thought... .   because things were HORRIBLE... .   VICIOUS manipulations, CONSTANT swipes at my self esteem, EVERY little words she said or action that she did were designed to break me down. The splittings became more and more frequent until it was almost every 2nd day I was threatened to be cut off and was told to "F*CK out her life forever!"... .   I was devastated... .   this person whom I used to share everything and anything with only a few months ago was now the most vicious and downright evil creature I had ever come across in my life. I was still somewhere hoping for a return to normal and took all of her evil in stride while scrambling to uphold some resemblance of a relationship.

Finally her BPD therapy started in october 2012. I was hoping that things would get better now and that we could build upon a new foundation for our relationship and that her behaviour would get better. But it was the opposite... .   Her behaviour got MUCH MUCH worse with the therapy... .   Then in december 2012 and january 2013 she came crashing down in yet another personal crisis. She didn´t attend therapy and was depressed an suicidal. She cut herself till blood flowed everywhere. I was there for her EVERY day listened to her for hours, soothed her and took care of her. Then we reach 21th of januar 2013. where she is feeling better and starting up the therapy again. All of a sudden out of the blue she goes NC. After 1 week of not hearing from her I contact her and ask if I have said anything to upset her or if we had a problem of some sort? She first denies this but as I pressed on a little bit she screams: "YOU ARE NOT A PRIORITY ANYMORE! I HAVE MY THERAPY NOW! I HAVE REAL FRIENDS! ~ OUT OF MY LIVE FOREVER!"... .   I was horrified. She erases me from facebook and tells me she will change her phone number and move to a new address so I will never be able to find her. I am dumbstruck. I was just there for her all of december and january? She even told me a few days before this splitting episode that I meant more to her than ANYONE, including her mother and father. So I was HORRIFIED. I could not understand what was happening.

Then a few days later she ~ me back. HOWEVER things have been markedly different since this last ~. Whereas before we talked for HOURS every day and spent every day together since she ~ me back in late january 2013... .   she has only contacted me ONCE every week and then talked for 20-30 mins max. The few times we have talked she ALWAYS starts the conversation with: "I have to go sleep now. We can´t talk for more than 10 mins"... .   Always the same... .   If I write her an SMS the answer is: I have to sleep now.

I thought this was just a really long lasting splitting episode and I thought that what she had said about not needing me anymore was just to be vicious. All the while she has been treating me like this for the last couple of months she has spent all the time with a hangaround mutt and she has been telling me that this guy is her soulmate and best friend etc. etc. Basically he is fullfilling the role I had before.  So yes I thought she was just punishing me. But... .   then a week ago she asks me to come online on facebook. This is a bad sign since she always does this when she is in splitting mode or she wants to cut me off. It is a way of communicating but still keeping a distance and pushing me away since we are not talking face to face. She rants on and on about how she loves me more than anything in the world and that I mean more to her than anyone. At this point my mind has honestly been twisted so much by her evil manipulations that I don´t know what to believe. She seemed to be in love with me but this didn´t make any sense since we basically have not spoken together for months. But yeah, I have her the benefit of the doubt and thought this probably meant she was going to start contacting me again like before.

But... .   she didn´t... .   total silence for the last week. In fact her silence now seems to be even MORE profound than before this professing of love. Also there was something very disturbing in her love "declaration". She played me a song learning to live and I had the feeling she was trying to tell me she really didn´t need me anymore. I said on facebook: Are you breaking free? Are you learning to live on your own? And she answered: YES! You got it!

Then today after more than a week of silence I call her... .   and we have a HORRIFIC HORRIBLE conversation. She said that I was NOT her support "therapist" anymore... .   that the therapy had helped her "grow up"... .   that she didn´t need me to solve her problems anymore... .   and she needed better friends... .   she wanted more of life... .   and now because of the therapy she could get it... .   the hangaround mutt whom she has been calling her best friend for the last couple of months and even wrote it on her facebook for all to see she confided in me that he really was not her friend... .   she wanted something better (aka she was only using him )... .   she wanted to return to the life she had before her BPD became fullblown... .   I asked her: When was that life? Her: When I was 12 years old. Then I had 5 REAL friends. 

I kind of starting fishing after if she saw me as only her "therapist" and if she wanted something better than me? I said to her: We have ALWAYS talked about a thousand things... .   (which is true)... .   not only your problems... .   I guess I am asking if I am a friend to you still? She answered that I was but it sounded very fake and not very convincing. Then we hung up.

This brings me - finally - to the conclusion of the story and my questions: I doesn´t make sense to me that she says I mean more to her than anything and how she loves me more than anything but I never hear from her and she doesn´t show any interest in my life anymore. Previously I thought she was only punishing me but since this has been going on for MONTHS now and it is the same thing she repeats over and over: That she doesn´t need me anymore and that she can do things on her own now... .   I am starting to think what if it is really true?  What if she really has been USING me only for all those years and now that her therapy is kicking in she discards me like a old pair of smelly socks. This is the exact opposite of my intention for getting her in therapy. I hoped that the therapy would take away her bad behaviours so all the wonderful things we also had was left... .   in other words that we could be together like when the times were good and get rid of the splitting push-pull and her destructive behaviours. And now she uses the therapy to DISCARD me? Says that our relationship was only built on me being her "therapist" and now she has no use of me anymore?  

I feel this is so not true. In the good periods where she had no problems we talked about everything, movies, interests etc etc. I loved these periods so much. But now I have the HORRIBLE feeling that maybe I never really knew her? What if all we had together was only her mirroring me because she needed someone to fill out her emptiness and now that she is starting to be able to live with herself her full indifference and hate towards me surfaces because she never really cared in the first place? I find this hard to believe since she is still displaying all the behaviour she had before she started therapy. She doesn´t seem like she had changed that much to me. She is still horrible to other people manipulating them and causing them great harm. So I don´t know what to think?

Do you think the AWFUL truth is that she never cared for me, only used me to solve her problems and fill out her loneliness and that now she will go on to have a great and wonderful life with "real" friends and what not?

Has any of you experienced this before? That a BPD someone whom you spent every waking hour with and who told you that you were everything to them after they started their therapy completely changed personality and discarded you leaving you realizing/feeling that you had only been used the whole time until they learned to manage their illness and thus was able to find new friends who would tolerate them, friends they apparently had been dreaming of the whole time they were with you?

Has any of you experienced that the BPD going into therapy used this therapy as an excuse to split you black and cut you out off their life?

This is just so so horrible... .     She has hurt me SO much over the years, I have literally been comitted to a psych ward because of her at one point. I have given all my time and energy to support her, to be there for her, to lift her up, to help her, to be the man she wanted. And now maybe she was just using me the whole time? Maybe none of it meant anything more to her than a useful clown who could fill out the black hole until she could get what she really wanted out of life? I think this is more horrible than anything in the world. I am devastated. I don´t know if I will survive the night.

Sorry for the long rant but I felt you needed to know everything in order to give me some much needed advice. With everything said and done is it really me that has been to stupid to see she was just using me all along? I can´t believe how anyone can be so evil.

[MaybeSo]

I am so sorry you are hurting.

You were astute in researching BPD and realizing she is sick.

The peices you are missing is that it can take years for BPD to imProve. Suicidal ideation and life threatening impulsivity and therapy compliance are the first hurdles to get through. Being someone's bf or gf is not really the focus of treatment especially at the beginning, though I once imagined too that treatment meant I could have all the good things about my bf and the bad would we gone. It doesn't exactly work that way.

Your friend I am sure has felt strongly attached to you, otherwise there would be no need to paint you black repeatedly. In your research, it doesn't seem you really got to the point of

knowing that BPD is a disorder of intimacy. Intimacy triggers symptoms.

The other thing I really hear in your thread is a schocking degree of self abandonment or

codependent behavior in attempts to rescue this girl. This behavior can make you very

unhealthy; I want you to know that therapeutic professionals limit their time and set very

strong boundaries and make their self care a huge priority when working with these clients

because they know they can become emotionally unhealthy themselves if they don't. Your

own self care is going

to have to be a priority from now on. You matter too. Do not let this friend steal the show; it's not good for either one of you. You matter.

Everything you are going through is common to this disorder. Please start taking really good care of yourself. A codependent arrangement does not fix BPD.

Keep sharing. It will get better with time, I promise.

[Shadowlands]

Iamdevastated,

Maybeso is right with those observations.

Right now you are understandably an emotional wreck and we have all been where you are at the moment. This cannot end well for you and your self esteem is being crushed further and further for each day that you sacrifice yourself for this girl. You may not even realise this until you break free from this nightmare and start to process your feelings... .  

Do you have the strength/willpower to go no contact permanently or do you feel addicted to this relationship?

Shadowlands.

[wanttoknowmore]

Many people on these boards have suffered the way you are suffering due to a pwBPD behavior.

We understand the extent of pain and agony one feels when they are painted black and treated horribly beacuse of a diseased friends inability to control her sick beahvior.

These boards are very helpful and enlighten us about what we are going through. Wish you all the best in this journey of liberation from this deep hurt. I am glad you are here and willing to share.

[grad]

What was this first boundary you tried to set?

[IamDevastated]

What was this first boundary you tried to set?

It was back when we were only "friends"... .   she became involved with a biker... .   a very bad person who was selling drugs, he even took her to his summer residence (paid by drug money I suppose) and showed her a HUGE stash of drugs he had under the bed. I spent literally the whole summer trying to help her break away from this guy. He was pure poison and I spent hours and hours helping her and convincing her that she deserved better than him. Eventually she broke up with him. That was summer of 2010. Fast forward to January 2011. For the past 3-4 months her and me had spent EVERY waking hour together. We were still only "friends" (even though emotionally we had everything that constitutes a relationship)... .   but everything was in the cards for us entering the lover-relationship. The air was thick of this it was only a matter of time. And I felt nothing could go wrong. She hung on to my every word even when we didn´t spend time together she called me 4-5 times in the middle of the night (!) and I was completely blown away. Then just before we were about to get together as lovers at the end of january I saw on facebook the night before that she had added the dangerous sleazy biker guy again. This of course made me somewhat pis*sed and annoyed. Not only because of what I had going with her but mostly because of all the ENDLESS hours of energy I had spent getting her away from this guy. Next day I receive an sms that says: You are going to hate me now... .  

I immediately understood what she meant and annoyed and frustrated I simply wrote: I have already seen you added him to facebook. That´s not very smart. You seem to be seeking drama for the sake of drama. I really can´t spend anymore time with this. I think you are making a mistake. I can´t talk to you right now because then I will only say something I´m going to regret. Will talk to you later about this.

Then she didn´t call me in the evening like she always did. Instead she asked me to come on facebook chat. I did and was told that we had grown apart, that she needed to move on with her life and that she needed new and better friends than me. (!). 

This after we had spent every waking hour together for MONTHS... .   I didn´t know anything about BPD at this point in time (9 months into our relationship) so you can imagine the absolute BOMB SHOCK I got... .   I was so devastated literally felt my soul leave my body... .   I just sat in my armchair and prepared myself to go to the mental ward because I knew I wouldn´t survive the night.

Then some hours later just before I was about to leave for the mental facility she calls on the phone. I pick it up. She says in a sugar sweet voice: Let´s just forget this whole thing and move on.

I was thrilled. I literally jumped for joy holding the phone. We talked for a few minutes me thinking everything is alright and then all of a sudden she says in the most vicious and cold voice: This friendship... .   YOU... .   argghh... .   let´s just forget everything and leave each other alone! Then she slammed the phone... .  

Later that evening I got a message: You have to leave me alone. This was brutal. After just having been given the hope that she was back now she left for the second time. I went to the mental facility that evening. Sitting there and waiting to get committed I received another text message: You have to leave me alone. I hope you understand.

I was in hell. Also I forgot to tell that she did this just before I was about to take an important exam at my school. My whole 2nd semester at school was destroyed because I was comitted to the mental ward because of this incident. Two months later and me out of the mental ward she calls like nothing has happened. She never said I´m sorry for this incident or for any of the other horrible things she has done to me for that matter.

After this incident things were never the same and hell was unleashed on me. She has repeatedly shown that she has absolutely ZERO empathy, she is cold and calculating, textbook psychopath. She IS diagnosed BPD by a psychiatrist but I read an article by two american psychiatrists and they say that there is 4 types of psychopathy and borderline is one of them. This fits perfectly with the behaviour she has shown both to me and other people. She is very evil, cunning and manipulative.

[IamDevastated]

I am so sorry you are hurting.

You were astute in researching BPD and realizing she is sick.

The peices you are missing is that it can take years for BPD to imProve. Suicidal ideation and life threatening impulsivity and therapy compliance are the first hurdles to get through. Being someone's bf or gf is not really the focus of treatment especially at the beginning, though I once imagined too that treatment meant I could have all the good things about my bf and the bad would we gone. It doesn't exactly work that way.

Your friend I am sure has felt strongly attached to you, otherwise there would be no need to paint you black repeatedly. In your research, it doesn't seem you really got to the point of

knowing that BPD is a disorder of intimacy. Intimacy triggers symptoms.

The other thing I really hear in your thread is a schocking degree of self abandonment or

codependent behavior in attempts to rescue this girl. This behavior can make you very

unhealthy; I want you to know that therapeutic professionals limit their time and set very

strong boundaries and make their self care a huge priority when working with these clients

because they know they can become emotionally unhealthy themselves if they don't. Your

own self care is going

to have to be a priority from now on. You matter too. Do not let this friend steal the show; it's not good for either one of you. You matter.

Everything you are going through is common to this disorder. Please start taking really good care of yourself. A codependent arrangement does not fix BPD.

Keep sharing. It will get better with time, I promise.

Yes I know it will take years to improve her behaviour - if it can be done at all. I would have stayed and waited for her to get better. But honestly it feels like she is getting worse with therapy. We almost haven´t talked for the last 2-3 months but the FEW times we have talked I can hear she is entirely up to her old shenanigans. She is manipulating other guys, wrecking their lives to get instant gratification, is using people and having alot of down time also where she is feeling miserably. But she tells me she is fine and have become a much better person and doesn´t need me for support anymore because she has her therapy group.

This group she speaks in maybe 2 x 20 mins a week MAX. Knowing her and how much need she has to talk I cannot understand how she can suffice with 2 x 20 mins a week when before she talked to me for hours and hours. I guess what I am saying is this: If "ONLY" I had been split black then that is what it is. Then I at least would have some hope that eventually she might split me white again. However is she really feels she doesn´t need me anymore and has moved on then it truly is over between us and this is more frightening to me than splitting I guess. Because then there is no hope anymore and I just have to move on.

I just can´t make sense of this since her behaviour hasn´t changed at all with therapy. She is still doing all the same dysfunctional and maladaptive patterns. Also her splitting of me has alternated WILDLY since january 2013 where I tried to set boundaries and told her I was taking her abusive behaviour anymore. Also way back in october 2012 I tried setting boundaries to how much we talked on the phone because it was literally 6 HOURS alot of days. This was too much for me especially when we are not in a lover relationship. I have a life and a school to attend. Also I started my school back up again in february 2013 and she split me black JUST before school start. That´s when I got the whole speech about: I dont need you anymore, I have my therapy BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I had actually suspected that she would do anything to destroy me starting school back up since she herself is unemployed at the moment and only attending her therapy. I even mentioned to my mother a few weeks before school start that we could probably expect vicious drama come school start. Also 4 weeks before school she spend an entire hour trying to talk me from starting. She literally said: I will be very dissappointed if you start school again. (I knew she was envious and couldn´t believe we had this conversation).

So yeah the first few weeks after her little speech in january 2013 and her splitting me black I simply thought oh well here we go again, splitting and punishment for starting school and setting boundaries. This was still HUGELY stressing with me starting up school in a new class a time where I needed her support the most and not only did she vanish but cut my heart away in the process as well.

However now we are in april 2013 and since january it has been this way: Virtually no contact from her. Whenever I contact her same old excuses: I need to sleep. We can´t talk. I´m so busy. And then today I get the speech about: You are not my therapist anymore. I don´t need you. I wan´t better things in life for myself.

This can´t be only splitting? Can it? Do you think she has really moved on and that therapy has given her the tools to get a new social circle that can stand her? It doesn´t make sense to me. I see no improvement in her behaviour. Quite the opposite in fact.

[IamDevastated]

Iamdevastated,

Maybeso is right with those observations.

Right now you are understandably an emotional wreck and we have all been where you are at the moment. This cannot end well for you and your self esteem is being crushed further and further for each day that you sacrifice yourself for this girl. You may not even realise this until you break free from this nightmare and start to process your feelings... .  

Do you have the strength/willpower to go no contact permanently or do you feel addicted to this relationship?

Shadowlands.

I don´t think I have the strength to go no contact. This girl has been my entire life for 3 years. Even when we didn´t spend time together I had become accustomed to MULTIPLE text messages and phone calls. I literally couldn´t go shopping at the mall without returning home to a phone with 3-4 calls and 4-5 text messages. WHENEVER I did anything for myself, went training or took a short trip downtown she would call and message me numerous times. I awoke in the morning to calls in the middle of the night and text messages. Sometimes many and crying messages on the answering machines if I was doing something by myself.

I feel like I had a life before I met her. I trained, went to school and watched my circle of friends. Then she crashed into my life made my life revolve entirely around her... .   and I lost everything... .   my training, my school and even my friends. They eventually became annoyed with listening to and witnessing all the drama she created. Also I was dating some promising women bach when me and BPD-friend were only "friends" and she destroyed that too. She later admitted that she wanted to scratch their eyes out (even though she and me were only friends according to her)... .   none of it made sense... .   she tried to control me in every possible way but whenever we became really close she destroyed everything. So many hours and months I have spent in pain and turmoil in what should have been happiness and a furthering and solidifying of our relationship.

And it all just seems so much in vain right now... .   when she is saying that she only used me for 3 years and that now she will get better friends and a relationship with another guy because the therapy will allow her to restrain her bad behaviours so that other people will tolerate her. I feel like the biggest and dumbest AS* of a CLOWN in the world... .   a FOOL for having lost everything to someone who never respected me and only used me as a passtime till something better came up. What a dupe I have been. And I soo much want to believe that she is just punishing me and splitting me for setting boundaries but I´m not so sure anymore.

Also a week ago on facebook chat she acted like back when she was in love with me. I simply asked: Are you in love with me? And she said: No not like that. It is much bigger than that. You mean more to me than any boyfriend. We will always be together. Then in the next sentence she said: But I have no choice but to hurt you. I´m breaking away from you. I am free now.

I said to her: Look... .   we have chemistry and feelings. But there can be no relationship right now. I cannot trust you as it is. You need alot more therapy before I can trust you again. Then we will see what happens. Whatever happens I will always be your friend.

Haven´t heard from her since. But none of it made sense. Why would she also say she was in love with me when we haven´t spoken for two months and every one of her actions have clearly shown she wants me out of her life? Also whenever we start getting into the talk about being lovers she says: NOO we are brother and sister we can never be lovers. You deserve better than me. We are soulmates. Then in the next sentence: You turn me on so much. I desire you so much. I know you could be the perfect boyfriend.


I just feel like she is playing with my head and enjoying hurting me all the way to my grave. She has spun my head so much that I literally can´t trust a single word coming out of her mouth anymore. I miss last year at this time... .   where everything was "good"... .   I miss her so much... .   the person I thought she was. I would have waited forever for her to get better and loved her to death... .   but maybe I was just a useful clown all along and not the prince charming she made me think I was

[paperlung]

I know you probably care really deeply for this girl, but for your OWN sanity and future, I would strongly recommend cutting her loose.

I'm almost at a month of NC with my ex-girlfriend. It has by no means been easy, and I do find myself thinking about her a lot, but the emotional pain I had to endure was far greater with her than without. I've changed my cell number and email address, so she can't get a hold of me anymore unless she calls my house number.

And I can totally relate to feeling used and discarded. My ex was more like my daughter, one I had to look after, than a girlfriend. I did everything humanily possible to keep her happy, but it's never enough with these types of creatures.

Run away and don't look back.

[beachgirl009]

Just a thought... .   you are putting a lot of energy into understanding her actions.  I did that too.  I got myself in with a therapist that treats patients with BPD and she helped me tremendously on working on myself and why I was willing to stay under the circumstances.  Maybe something to look into. 

[WalrusGumboot]

IamDevestated, your relationship with her is very toxic. You are playing a significant role is this crazy dance that you share. I realize that you are desperate to "help" her, but you cannot do accomplish this. You must somehow write this girl off and go NC... . forever. If you don't, you will destroy yourself.

Your story reminded me of a book I read not that long ago called Girlfriend from Hades. It's about a decent guy getting involved with a girl with BPD. I see it is on Amazon for $2.99, Kindle version. You might want to read it.

[IamDevastated]

I know you probably care really deeply for this girl, but for your OWN sanity and future, I would strongly recommend cutting her loose.

I'm almost at a month of NC with my ex-girlfriend. It has by no means been easy, and I do find myself thinking about her a lot, but the emotional pain I had to endure was far greater with her than without. I've changed my cell number and email address, so she can't get a hold of me anymore unless she calls my house number.

And I can totally relate to feeling used and discarded. My ex was more like my daughter, one I had to look after, than a girlfriend. I did everything humanily possible to keep her happy, but it's never enough with these types of creatures.

Run away and don't look back.

Yeah, I know the only solution is to go NC and find someone else. Back when she still called me every day and was extremely abusive I remember fantasizing about meeting another girl and secretly building up something with her and then BOOM one day cut my exBPD off out of the blue like she has done to me so many times.

But then she always called and I never had energy for pursuing other women. So in that sense she also kept me away from good and healthy relationships.

These last few months where she has only contacted me once every second week or so... .   I have kind of been forced into shorter periods of NC. The first day or two I am full of optimism and fantasizing about all the wonderful healthy people I´m going to attract into my life. I sit and read a few BPD boards and every one of the horror stories reminds me of my own horrible interaction with this girl. And I think: PHEW WOAA I dodged a major bullet there! Sometimes I laugh out loudly reading the horror stories because they are so similiar to my own and I laugh because I´m thinking how the hell did I ever put up with this and because I am happy to be out of it and have peace. BUT... .   that´s the first 24 to 48 hours... .   then I start missing her terribly. It´s a REFLEX for me to check my phone every few hours... .   and before there was ALWAYS messages from her... .   missed calls... .   texts... .   messages on my answering machine... .   now there is NOTHING... .   empty.

I still check... .   then I think... .   maybe tomorrow... .   still nothing... .   and the days turns into weeks... .   she is in my system and I can´t get her out... .   and like one poster said about his ex being like his daughter... .   yes I can relate to that!... .   mine was also like my daughter I had to take care of her all the time... .   and yes I´m starting to miss this also... .   I miss how she needed me... .   but more than anything I miss that I thought she needed me because she was interested in me as a person and because she loved me... .   because I meant something to her!... .   which obviously I don´t... .   and I´m sure she only contacts me once in a while to further twist the knife and just to see if she still has some power over me. I´m sure her ultimate fantasy is to contact me in a couple of years and flash her new successfull perfect life and her new perfect boyfriend in my face. So I can feel even more like a used clown.

Do any of you think she will get this perfect life with her therapy? She does not have any empathy at all. And her abusive tendencies are STRONG. She relishes in abusing other people. Is this not as much a part of her personality as her BPD? Can empathy be learned through therapy? She gets off on abusing other people. She admitted this to me some weeks ago (it´s like now that she is in the process of cutting me off completely all gloves are off... .   she knows I have looked right through her and sees her for what she is and now she admits to much of her incredible VILE character that I beforehand only speculated about but now I´m getting everything from the horses own mouth so to speak)... .  

She literally told me: We Borderlines we push and pull people. This is what we do. We get a kick out of causing other people maximum distress. I enjoy toying with people. A girl like this... .   is she going to change through therapy?

 

[schwing]

It might help you to reframe everything that has happened to you since you've been involved with this woman as a choice you made.

I don´t think I have the strength to go no contact.

Why don't you have the strength?  You are feeling devastated, why?  Because this woman continues to behave like a roller-coster ride.  And you find yourself unwilling to choose to get off the ride.  Understand that she behaves the way she behaves because of her disorder.  Why do you choose to stay with her?  I'm sure it is partly because you love her.  But are your feelings towards this woman worth sacrificing your life?  Look at how much you've given up already.

This girl has been my entire life for 3 years. Even when we didn´t spend time together I had become accustomed to MULTIPLE text messages and phone calls. I literally couldn´t go shopping at the mall without returning home to a phone with 3-4 calls and 4-5 text messages. WHENEVER I did anything for myself, went training or took a short trip downtown she would call and message me numerous times. I awoke in the morning to calls in the middle of the night and text messages. Sometimes many and crying messages on the answering machines if I was doing something by myself.

You chose to engage with this degree of communication.  I'm certain she gave you compelling reasons for why she behaved the way she did.  But you made the choice of accepting it.  You describe the constant contact and communication as a chore or difficulty.  If you do not want this kind of difficulty in your life, then do not accept it.  

I feel like I had a life before I met her.

I'm certain that before her, you made your own life a priority.  But somewhere since that time, you made the choice changing this priority.

I trained, went to school and watched my circle of friends. Then she crashed into my life made my life revolve entirely around her... .   and I lost everything... .   my training, my school and even my friends. They eventually became annoyed with listening to and witnessing all the drama she created.

As I see it, this didn't just happen.  Some where along the road, you made a choice to change your priorities, to change your life.  She gave you compelling reasons for you to make these changes.  The thing is, you are now witness to the outcome of what happens if you put this woman's welfare ahead of your own.  You cannot save her so long as she is unwilling to save herself.  You need to decide when you will choose to save yourself.

Also I was dating some promising women bach when me and BPD-friend were only "friends" and she destroyed that too. She later admitted that she wanted to scratch their eyes out (even though she and me were only friends according to her)... .   none of it made sense... .   she tried to control me in every possible way but whenever we became really close she destroyed everything. So many hours and months I have spent in pain and turmoil in what should have been happiness and a furthering and solidifying of our relationship.

As you get more familiar with the nature of this disorder, you may come to accept that for people with BPD (pwBPD), they are incapable of attaching to others in a healthy, adult, mature fashion.  Certainly they cannot so long as their disordered emotions run amok.  They will have to make the choice of whether or not they will do anything about their disorder feelings.  We have to decide to what degree we will allow their disordered feelings to interfere with our lives.

In the past, because you did not realize she suffers from this disorder, you made probably not so great choices for yourself in order to accommodate her disordered feelings.  Not that you realize that there is nothing you can do which will cure her of her disordered feelings, are you willing to make different choices for yourself?

And it all just seems so much in vain right now... .   when she is saying that she only used me for 3 years and that now she will get better friends and a relationship with another guy because the therapy will allow her to restrain her bad behaviours so that other people will tolerate her. I feel like the biggest and dumbest AS* of a CLOWN in the world... .   a FOOL for having lost everything to someone who never respected me and only used me as a passtime till something better came up. What a dupe I have been. And I soo much want to believe that she is just punishing me and splitting me for setting boundaries but I´m not so sure anymore.

Do not compound your folly by subscribing to her notion that she is now somehow cured of her ailment.  She feels fine in the way she interacts with others right now because you are her emotional scapegoat.  When you are no longer her scapegoat, she will need someone else.  Just like in the beginning of your relationship, her disordered feelings were more manageable.  Whenever she starts *any* relationship, her disordered feelings will feel manageable until they are no longer.  It took you three years before it escalated to this point.  Perhaps in her next relationship she will implode sooner or later.  But it will happen.  So long as she is unrecovered.  And recovery is not a speedy process.  She wasn't willing to do the hard work on her own before.  I have no reason to believe she will somehow find the wherewithal suddenly now.

Don't believe that she have found a quick-fix.  That is her delusion, not yours.

Also a week ago on facebook chat she acted like back when she was in love with me. I simply asked: Are you in love with me? And she said: No not like that. It is much bigger than that. You mean more to me than any boyfriend. We will always be together. Then in the next sentence she said: But I have no choice but to hurt you. I´m breaking away from you. I am free now.

If you would choose to accept that she is disordered, then you might begin to realize that for pwBPD, they do *not* "fall-in-love" in the same fashion as someone who is not disordered.  So even though she may had fallen in love with you before, because she is disorder she can fall completely out-of-love with you later.  And perhaps repeat this process multiple times while you are still "in love" or while you are still trying to disengage from her.

You see for pwBPD, as I understand it, their disordered fear of abandonment, the fear of being *left* (first) is aggravated by feelings of trust, intimacy and love.  Where as for non-disorder people, trust, intimacy, and love serve to strengthen our attachments.  For pwBPD, the closer they feel towards us, the more they feel their disordered fear of abandonment.  Which is why she will tell you that she feels very attached to you in one breath, and in the next breath insist that this is why they must leave you... .   before you can leave her.

Why would she also say she was in love with me when we haven´t spoken for two months and every one of her actions have clearly shown she wants me out of her life?

Because for a pwBPD, these two feelings are entangled (as I explained).  This is a difficult choice, but one that I think will serve you to accept.  But somehow you need to choose to accept that this is what is going on in her head, if for no other reason than because she suffers from this disorder.  So long as you choose to interpret her actions, words, behaviors as if she were more like you, than like someone with BPD, then you will have a difficult time letting go of her.  And over time, she may only serve to compound this difficulty.

Also whenever we start getting into the talk about being lovers she says: NOO we are brother and sister we can never be lovers. You deserve better than me. We are soulmates. Then in the next sentence: You turn me on so much. I desire you so much. I know you could be the perfect boyfriend.

This is complete and utter nonsense.  Let me translate: she has attached herself to someone else now.  But she wants to retain the possibility that things may go badly with the next person (it will, but it will take time).  And when it does go badly, she will want you available to serve her needs irrespective of how much it hurts you to keep you lingering like this.  Because in her calculus, her feelings are more important than your feelings.

I just feel like she is playing with my head and enjoying hurting me all the way to my grave. She has spun my head so much that I literally can´t trust a single word coming out of her mouth anymore. I miss last year at this time... .   where everything was "good"... .   I miss her so much... .   the person I thought she was. I would have waited forever for her to get better and loved her to death... .   but maybe I was just a useful clown all along and not the prince charming she made me think I was

If I am in a kind mood, then I would say that she is not playing with your head.  At least no more than she is playing with her own head.  She is confused.  Confused people say confusing things.  They try to sell you crazy.  Tell them you are all stocked up and have no further need.

I know you miss her.  The thing is, if you stick around, I guarantee you that you will not recognize the person she will change into.  Only when she needs something from you, will you get a glimpse of that person you miss.  But she may deny you that opportunity unless/until it serves her.

Do not trust what she says.  Trust only her actions.  And what do her actions tell you?

And given those actions, what choices have you to make for yourself?

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[bondafc]

I am a 50 year old man and had a misery dance with a BPD for two years.

I was just separated from a miserable marriage when I met her.

Similar cycle, when we first met she "just wanted to be friends" but there was this amazing chemistry and we just clicked.  I knew that it was always destined to be more than "Just Friends". 

Hours of on-line chatting and 30+ text messages a day. (BTW, they love on-line chatting, and texting, and long-distance relationships) just fueled my expectations.

I figured if I just hung in there long enough, she would realize what a great guy I am and we could have a real relationship... .  

After awhile, several frustrating nights out, and some great coaching from my friends, I began to realize what a woman means when she says "I just want to be friends".

So I started dating other women.

Like you, mine suddenly professed her love for me as soon as she realized I had started dating. She then toggled back to "Just Friends" when I abandoned other relationships for her.

Unlike you, I walked away from her (twice) because "Just friends" was torture and I told her it would never be enough for me... .  

She came back again last summer, after six months of No-Contact., She was in full blown "I want you as my man" mode... .  

My heart sang... .  

We made out for the first time and my universe was complete... .  

We were finally starting the relationship I had always been hoping for.

Then (like you) the real hell kicked in!

Explosive rage episodes. Constant horrible, nasty, esteem-crippling comments.  Broken promises and broken dates. Mis-remembering events and conversations.

Nothing was ever good enough... .   Everything was criticized.

It's almost as if "Just-Friends" mode allowed her to keep it together... .

Reading your texts, I see that staying in "Just-Friends" mode might eventually only have emboldened her bad, disrespectful behavior... .  

After seven weeks of confusion and pain... .   I walked away... . again... .

I told her I couldn't justify the on-going investment of my time based on where the relationship was.

I would not let her abuse me anymore. 

I haven't seen or spoken to her since... .

Yes, I wasted two years investing in, thinking about, analyzing and hoping for something better.

Trust me, you need stop and walk/run away.

It's never going to get better.

It's never going to get better.

You can't fix her... .  

It's not your job.

You owe her nothing. She will be just fine.

They are very resilient and survival comes naturally to them.

Your relationship with her will only get WORSE... .  

Never invest more in someone than they are investing in you... .

Hope is not a relationship.

The things she says and does will never make sense to you.

They can't... .   so stop trying... .  

If it did make sense, you would have to be as unstable as she is.

You need to heal yourself.  That can only happen while you are away from her.

No contact sucks, but it gives you time to heal... .  

NC is not about winning her back or making her miss you.

It's about you taking care of you.

Period.

Delete her phone number and all her messages/emails, her FB contact info, phone messages, photos, change your phone number if needed... .   everything... .   PURGE and never look back.

Starting today, work on your self-esteem and self-respect. 

Google it... .   Lots of great resources.

Go to the gym and work-out... .  

Running helps too. Get those powerful endorphin's working for you.

Meditate.

Your life isn't about her, it's about you.

In a weird way, mine took me to school and forced me to study relationships and dating in a way I would never have done on my own.  You will emerge from this much much stronger and wiser.

Never, ever, let anyone talk to you that way again.

Never, ever, let anyone treat you that way again.

EVER.

Respect.

[paperlung]

I know you probably care really deeply for this girl, but for your OWN sanity and future, I would strongly recommend cutting her loose.

I'm almost at a month of NC with my ex-girlfriend. It has by no means been easy, and I do find myself thinking about her a lot, but the emotional pain I had to endure was far greater with her than without. I've changed my cell number and email address, so she can't get a hold of me anymore unless she calls my house number.

And I can totally relate to feeling used and discarded. My ex was more like my daughter, one I had to look after, than a girlfriend. I did everything humanily possible to keep her happy, but it's never enough with these types of creatures.

Run away and don't look back.

Yeah, I know the only solution is to go NC and find someone else. Back when she still called me every day and was extremely abusive I remember fantasizing about meeting another girl and secretly building up something with her and then BOOM one day cut my exBPD off out of the blue like she has done to me so many times.

But then she always called and I never had energy for pursuing other women. So in that sense she also kept me away from good and healthy relationships.

These last few months where she has only contacted me once every second week or so... .   I have kind of been forced into shorter periods of NC. The first day or two I am full of optimism and fantasizing about all the wonderful healthy people I´m going to attract into my life. I sit and read a few BPD boards and every one of the horror stories reminds me of my own horrible interaction with this girl. And I think: PHEW WOAA I dodged a major bullet there! Sometimes I laugh out loudly reading the horror stories because they are so similiar to my own and I laugh because I´m thinking how the hell did I ever put up with this and because I am happy to be out of it and have peace. BUT... .   that´s the first 24 to 48 hours... .   then I start missing her terribly. It´s a REFLEX for me to check my phone every few hours... .   and before there was ALWAYS messages from her... .   missed calls... .   texts... .   messages on my answering machine... .   now there is NOTHING... .   empty.

I still check... .   then I think... .   maybe tomorrow... .   still nothing... .   and the days turns into weeks... .   she is in my system and I can´t get her out... .   and like one poster said about his ex being like his daughter... .   yes I can relate to that!... .   mine was also like my daughter I had to take care of her all the time... .   and yes I´m starting to miss this also... .   I miss how she needed me... .   but more than anything I miss that I thought she needed me because she was interested in me as a person and because she loved me... .   because I meant something to her!... .   which obviously I don´t... .   and I´m sure she only contacts me once in a while to further twist the knife and just to see if she still has some power over me. I´m sure her ultimate fantasy is to contact me in a couple of years and flash her new successfull perfect life and her new perfect boyfriend in my face. So I can feel even more like a used clown.

Do any of you think she will get this perfect life with her therapy? She does not have any empathy at all. And her abusive tendencies are STRONG. She relishes in abusing other people. Is this not as much a part of her personality as her BPD? Can empathy be learned through therapy? She gets off on abusing other people. She admitted this to me some weeks ago (it´s like now that she is in the process of cutting me off completely all gloves are off... .   she knows I have looked right through her and sees her for what she is and now she admits to much of her incredible VILE character that I beforehand only speculated about but now I´m getting everything from the horses own mouth so to speak)... .  

She literally told me: We Borderlines we push and pull people. This is what we do. We get a kick out of causing other people maximum distress. I enjoy toying with people. A girl like this... .   is she going to change through therapy?

 

This is why I recommenced changing your phone number. I don't know if you've read my story, but when my ex decided to break up with me in favor for a man twice her age who lived across the globe, I'd constantly check my phone to see if she called or sent me a text, hoping that she had changed her mind. Well, she ended up doing just that, but nothing good came out of it. Now that I know she can't contact, I no longer feel anxious about when she's going to reach out to me again.

[HarmKrakow]

IAmDevestated, I feel your pain man. I do, my goodness, I do. I just wish u all the best, u already have been given so much good advice, just want to say, good luck. Again it reminds me of the crazyness BPD is.

[IamDevastated]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has responded to me. It has all been good and life saving advice. I know it´s going to be very HARD for me in the time going forward but I will return again and again to bpdfamily and read all the posts and stories and use that as my own personal form of therapy. I think learning from others who have been through the same hell is the best therapy there is. Only someone who has been on the receiving end of a Borderline can truly understand what it is all about. Thanks again guys (and girls).

[HarmKrakow]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has responded to me. It has all been good and life saving advice. I know it´s going to be very HARD for me in the time going forward but I will return again and again to bpdfamily and read all the posts and stories and use that as my own personal form of therapy. I think learning from others who have been through the same hell is the best therapy there is. Only someone who has been on the receiving end of a Borderline can truly understand what it is all about. Thanks again guys (and girls).

You hit the hammer on the nail here dude. This place crawls with people understanding what hell you have been through.

[nak]

Multiple phone calls in the middle of the night :   Yep

One moment she is in love with you and the next she just wants to be friends : Yep. Ditto.

You trying to make sense of her crazy talk : Yep. Been there.

Now you are losing your sanity because you want to be with her and you have this wonderful vision of what your life COULD be if only she would get well in therapy: Been there too.

You loved her much you decided to have kids with her : Nope. You're not as bad off as you could be.

You can go NC when you are ready. You just aren't there yet.

You are NOT alone.

My T said that my g/f behavior can be crazy making . And I couldn't understand my T keep telling me to focus on my needs when all I wanted at the time was to help/be with her.

Now I understand . It took time and the pain was and still is crushing. I'm still only 90 days separate and she set she's already engaged to someone else. She's painted me black also.

Just be glad you don't have kids together.

[wanttoknowmore]

Iamdevastated,

After reading your story, I feel sad that this happened to a man like you who is capable of healthy love.

(1) It took me long time to finally realize that I fell in love with an illness which can not be cured even with 50 years of therapy. At best,It can be managed with many years of intense therapy. Its her new big fat lie that she is doing well now because of therapy. It takes much longer.

(2)Even if she comes back to you, most likely you will go through the same type of cycles,possibly even worse cycles than this. Her illness is like poison which will kill your self esteem totally in the future.

(3) Don,t hate her but please dont love her illness which may last decades .

(4)She will repeat the same behavior with her next lover ... . its only a matter of time before he gets painted black and discarded like a used toilet paper.

YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. Good Luck.

[real lady]

((IAmDevastated)) Welcome to bpdfamily... .   we are family in ways and we do understand how you feel and what you are going through, even how hard it is to go NC.

Since we are so concerned about pleasing our pwBPD, we very often fail to ask ourselves what we want... .   what we really need. It sounds to me like you know that she is a pwBPD. You have been with her for 3 years of horror and you would like to end the 'horror' but don't want the relationship to end? Is that realistic? Speaking the truth to ourselves is vital in healing and even moving on with our lives.

We tend to cling onto a few good feelings and memories but that is not what our relationship is based upon. It is based upon a BPD "reality" and she has told you her "reality". We may not be able to see how we really feel about our lives until the "FOG" (frustration, obligation and guilt) lifts.  Sometimes that requires that we talk though things with a professional who knows how dysfunctional a relationship with a pwBPD can be. It hurts but living with a pwBPD who continues to "do evil" to us is not healthy for either of us.

Have you read about "radical acceptance" of a pwbpbd and come to realize that "she is as she is" and there may be no way that you will change her behavior or treatment of you?

Wishing you all the best <3

[fromheeltoheal]

Yikes!  Sorry man, I was exactly where you are, in fact reading your story got my blood pressure up.  The thing that helped me go NC, the only thing that would have worked at the time, was anger; she kept escalating until it all just got so intensely bad and hurtful, which left no other choice.  I mention it because I didn't hear anger in your story, just confusion, devastation, frustration, all completely understandable, but not anger.  Get pissed at her dude, and use that anger as fuel to escape.  It works, and the anger is you standing up for yourself, painful as it may be, and the good news is the worst is at the beginning; it gets nothing but better once you're free.  Good luck man, we're here.