Forgiveness

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've reached a bit of much needed clarity today thanks to my T. This past week I regressed and started trying to contact my exBPDgf who left 7 weeks ago now and yesterday even tried saying I wanted to end on "good terms" and I had no hard feelings and hope we could remain friends-ish. She actually did respond and was civil and friendly enough, just very short and detached. She is just setting boundaries. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish with this, and it definitely set me back. I realized this angered me so much because I can't treat her actions as something a normal sane person would do, because nothing else she has done exemplifies that capability.

I realized I've been living too much in my ex's head. I've been trying to process everything from her POV and rationalize her actions and devaluing of me. I started placing all of the blame on myself in the way she has and was beating myself to a pulp with blame and guilt and rewriting history to make myself look like a complete monster. BUT, talking to my sister and T has helped me realize several things... .  

1) MYTH: I was horribly emotionally abusive at the end

FACT: Yes, some of my words were much less than ideal. I was beating myself up over how I was acting at the end in the last several weeks that ended up causing her to leave. My sister helped me to realize that the things I was saying like "I'll buy you some new makeup since you use the cheap kind, you should have nice things", "please don't point out your faults all of the time, I don't see you that way, and I don't like that I start thinking about these things", "I like your hair better in a bun, it looks cute" while not the ideal way of handling things, to a stable person might have been fine and also that, if my ex had a problem with this, she should have spoken up. I never called her names or made fun of her. I never laid a finger on her, even though she tried to get me to hit her a few times while very drunk. My ex never called me out on anything that she had a problem with in my actions. She just happily went along until things boiled up and she left. I was trying desperately to get feelings back after she had finally stopped drinking, and I simply approached it in an unhealthy way by trying to make her into someone I could love as much as I previously did again rather than showing her more affection.

2) MYTH: I was a controlling psychopath

FACT: I was codependent. My ex dealt with a major alcohol addiction, was extremely needy, required constant attention, was very immature and didn't even know simple things such as brushing your teeth before you went to bed or how to operate a dishwasher. I did try to control things that were not my business to control. BUT, this grew over time and was not some inherent trait. It was cultivated by the very nature of the relationship.

3) MYTH: I was invasive, untrusting, and paranoid

FACT: She gave me every reason to be. My T has explained to me that my ex's actions of constantly carrying on conversations with random guys I didn't know or even that were my friends on Facebook, emails, and texts was extremely inappropriate. She needed constant attention, and despite the fact I showered her with attention for most of the relationship and we were together 24/7, she would still have to be carrying on these conversations in secret even when I was in the same room. She'd sent intimate poetry to guys she just met in AA. She talked about sex and threesomes to some random dude from college she knew 4 years ago that was obviously hitting on her. She got drunk and flirted via text with a guy from her online class who had asked her to a football game. She started going to church in secret without even telling me or asking if I'd go with her and told some guy in an email that our "religious differences might be causing a permanent divide". SHE was untrusting and paranoid. I never so much as looked at or talked to other women and gave her no reason to worry about these things, but her untrusting behavior still shone through. She made me wear an engagement ring as a guy and wanted it on my left hand because "she was worried women would hit on me". She had to show up at work because I told her there was another female student there I had met before. She had to come and "give her a dirty look". Anytime I mentioned a female, she would immediately have to look them up on Facebook and know everything about them and say "she's really pretty", fishing for me to reassure her.

4) MYTH: I have an anger problem that will never be cured

FACT: I was never an angry person before we met. In fact, at the start of the relationship, she'd get mad at me because I didn't yell enough in fights. "My mom and I just yell at each other for a while, then it's fine", she said. I am definitely stubborn and not quick to admit when I'm wrong, but I wasn't inherently angry. The anger grew with the alcoholism and being terrified she'd come home drunk or sneak drinks in every night. I started to get more angry. Then she didn't like that I'd yell when we'd fight. "Why are you so angry?" I got really angry when her father came and took the puppy the day she left and yelled loudly at him. I couldn't win. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

5) MYTH: I wasn't supportive of her beliefs

FACT: She wasn't supportive of MY beliefs. I always said I supported if she wanted to get back into Christianity and even said I would go to church, especially when we had kids, because they deserved to come to their own conclusions. But she was never comfortable with my agnostic beliefs and wanted to change ME.

6) MYTH: I was always going to leave her

FACT: She was always going to leave me. The fact that I questioned leaving in the worst of the alcoholism and wasn't being quite myself immediately after (understandably so after all she had put me through) was enough for her to think I would eventually leave her (I wasn't). So she had to strike first. She went in just over a month from "I'll die if you ever leave me, I can't live without you, I love you more than anything" to "I love you but I'm not in love with you, There is no hope left, I gave you everything, I did all I could". Black and white, black and white. A normal person would have had some period between this where they communicated with me and we tried to work through our issues. We could have postponed the upcoming wedding date and done long distance for a while before she moved across country with me. It didn't have to be all or nothing.

7) MYTH: I wasn't supportive of her family

FACT: Her family wasn't supportive of me. Her mother completely turned on me once she found out that I'd have to move across country eventually. Her mother started out being the one who wanted us engaged immediately because she wanted her daughter to be with someone successful and who could take care of her. She even gave me her ring from a previous marriage to propose with. Then, she turned and would tell her daughter things like you can't live without us. It's hard to be supportive of people that are that unsupportive of you. I always liked her father though and we had a good enough relationship up until I blew up on him that day and validated his daughters "anger" claims.

8) MYTH: I am the disordered one

FACT: She made me promise every day within a week of meeting that I would never leave her, even during sex. She endured a horrible divorce, a controlling and crazy mother, a distant father. She wrote really depressing poetry that was almost predicting what she would put me through. She constantly said "I'm ****ed up, I'm ****ed up" even right after we met. Her sister when we were talking about marriage even said to her, "seriously, does he know how ****ed up you are?". When I talked about wanting to marry her, she'd start crying because of this. She never felt deserving. She used to have a horrible eating disorder. She'd cry just trying on clothes in a department store. No matter what I said to reassure her, she couldn't be comfortable with herself. She'd cry almost every day. She was an alcoholic. She would eat cheese and chocolate even though she was horribly lactose intolerant. She had no impulse control. She tried killing herself the one time I was contemplating leaving. She couldn't just let herself be happy. There always had to be something wrong, some sort of ailment. She would post everything on Facebook EXCEPT anything about me. I'd have to kindly ask her if maybe she could act excited about the wedding or us every now and then. She posted depressing quotes. I had to ask her to text me how my day was going while I was at work, rather than just focusing on her issues. EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT HER. If I was really sick, she might take care of me, but then she'd have to be magically sick immediately after so I'd have to take care of her. She was always nauseous, or depressed, anxious, or had a headache, cramps, etc. Always something.

[mtmc01]

I've reached a bit of much needed clarity today thanks to my T. This past week I regressed and started trying to contact my exBPDgf who left 7 weeks ago now and yesterday even tried saying I wanted to end on "good terms" and I had no hard feelings and hope we could remain friends-ish. She actually did respond and was civil and friendly enough, just very short and detached. She is just setting boundaries. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish with this, and it definitely set me back. I realized this angered me so much because I can't treat her actions as something a normal sane person would do, because nothing else she has done exemplifies that capability.

I realized I've been living too much in my ex's head. I've been trying to process everything from her POV and rationalize her actions and devaluing of me. I started placing all of the blame on myself in the way she has and was beating myself to a pulp with blame and guilt and rewriting history to make myself look like a complete monster. BUT, talking to my sister and T has helped me realize several things... .  

1) MYTH: I was horribly emotionally abusive at the end

FACT: Yes, some of my words were much less than ideal. I was beating myself up over how I was acting at the end in the last several weeks that ended up causing her to leave. My sister helped me to realize that the things I was saying like "I'll buy you some new makeup since you use the cheap kind, you should have nice things", "please don't point out your faults all of the time, I don't see you that way, and I don't like that I start thinking about these things", "I like your hair better in a bun, it looks cute" while not the ideal way of handling things, to a stable person might have been fine and also that, if my ex had a problem with this, she should have spoken up. I never called her names or made fun of her. I never laid a finger on her, even though she tried to get me to hit her a few times while very drunk. My ex never called me out on anything that she had a problem with in my actions. She just happily went along until things boiled up and she left. I was trying desperately to get feelings back after she had finally stopped drinking, and I simply approached it in an unhealthy way by trying to make her into someone I could love as much as I previously did again rather than showing her more affection.

2) MYTH: I was a controlling psychopath

FACT: I was codependent. My ex dealt with a major alcohol addiction, was extremely needy, required constant attention, was very immature and didn't even know simple things such as brushing your teeth before you went to bed or how to operate a dishwasher. I did try to control things that were not my business to control. BUT, this grew over time and was not some inherent trait. It was cultivated by the very nature of the relationship.

3) MYTH: I was invasive, untrusting, and paranoid

FACT: She gave me every reason to be. My T has explained to me that my ex's actions of constantly carrying on conversations with random guys I didn't know or even that were my friends on Facebook, emails, and texts was extremely inappropriate. She needed constant attention, and despite the fact I showered her with attention for most of the relationship and we were together 24/7, she would still have to be carrying on these conversations in secret even when I was in the same room. She'd sent intimate poetry to guys she just met in AA. She talked about sex and threesomes to some random dude from college she knew 4 years ago that was obviously hitting on her. She got drunk and flirted via text with a guy from her online class who had asked her to a football game. She started going to church in secret without even telling me or asking if I'd go with her and told some guy in an email that our "religious differences might be causing a permanent divide". SHE was untrusting and paranoid. I never so much as looked at or talked to other women and gave her no reason to worry about these things, but her untrusting behavior still shone through. She made me wear an engagement ring as a guy and wanted it on my left hand because "she was worried women would hit on me". She had to show up at work because I told her there was another female student there I had met before. She had to come and "give her a dirty look". Anytime I mentioned a female, she would immediately have to look them up on Facebook and know everything about them and say "she's really pretty", fishing for me to reassure her.

4) MYTH: I have an anger problem that will never be cured

FACT: I was never an angry person before we met. In fact, at the start of the relationship, she'd get mad at me because I didn't yell enough in fights. "My mom and I just yell at each other for a while, then it's fine", she said. I am definitely stubborn and not quick to admit when I'm wrong, but I wasn't inherently angry. The anger grew with the alcoholism and being terrified she'd come home drunk or sneak drinks in every night. I started to get more angry. Then she didn't like that I'd yell when we'd fight. "Why are you so angry?" I got really angry when her father came and took the puppy the day she left and yelled loudly at him. I couldn't win. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

5) MYTH: I wasn't supportive of her beliefs

FACT: She wasn't supportive of MY beliefs. I always said I supported if she wanted to get back into Christianity and even said I would go to church, especially when we had kids, because they deserved to come to their own conclusions. But she was never comfortable with my agnostic beliefs and wanted to change ME.

6) MYTH: I was always going to leave her

FACT: She was always going to leave me. The fact that I questioned leaving in the worst of the alcoholism and wasn't being quite myself immediately after (understandably so after all she had put me through) was enough for her to think I would eventually leave her (I wasn't). So she had to strike first. She went in just over a month from "I'll die if you ever leave me, I can't live without you, I love you more than anything" to "I love you but I'm not in love with you, There is no hope left, I gave you everything, I did all I could". Black and white, black and white. A normal person would have had some period between this where they communicated with me and we tried to work through our issues. We could have postponed the upcoming wedding date and done long distance for a while before she moved across country with me. It didn't have to be all or nothing.

7) MYTH: I wasn't supportive of her family

FACT: Her family wasn't supportive of me. Her mother completely turned on me once she found out that I'd have to move across country eventually. Her mother started out being the one who wanted us engaged immediately because she wanted her daughter to be with someone successful and who could take care of her. She even gave me her ring from a previous marriage to propose with. Then, she turned and would tell her daughter things like you can't live without us. It's hard to be supportive of people that are that unsupportive of you. I always liked her father though and we had a good enough relationship up until I blew up on him that day and validated his daughters "anger" claims.

8) MYTH: I am the disordered one

FACT: She made me promise every day within a week of meeting that I would never leave her, even during sex. She endured a horrible divorce, a controlling and crazy mother, a distant father. She wrote really depressing poetry that was almost predicting what she would put me through. She constantly said "I'm ****ed up, I'm ****ed up" even right after we met. Her sister when we were talking about marriage even said to her, "seriously, does he know how ****ed up you are?". When I talked about wanting to marry her, she'd start crying because of this. She never felt deserving. She used to have a horrible eating disorder. She'd cry just trying on clothes in a department store. No matter what I said to reassure her, she couldn't be comfortable with herself. She'd cry almost every day. She was an alcoholic. She would eat cheese and chocolate even though she was horribly lactose intolerant. She had no impulse control. She tried killing herself the one time I was contemplating leaving. She couldn't just let herself be happy. There always had to be something wrong, some sort of ailment. She would post everything on Facebook EXCEPT anything about me. I'd have to kindly ask her if maybe she could act excited about the wedding or us every now and then. She posted depressing quotes. I had to ask her to text me how my day was going while I was at work, rather than just focusing on her issues. EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT HER. If I was really sick, she might take care of me, but then she'd have to be magically sick immediately after so I'd have to take care of her. She was always nauseous, or depressed, anxious, or had a headache, cramps, etc. Always something.

[mitchell16]

mtmc01, It amazeing how much your post made alot of sense to me and made me think about my own sitiution. how it ended and the projections that she place on me which caused me to alway blame mysel. But i started relizing i wasnt doin all those things and what Iw as doing My T also told me was normal becasue she was acting very suspcious and had showed she could be trusted. That gave me a weight off my shoulder becasue here was someone telling me what I did was normal behavior. I started clicking in my head who really ahd the problems.

MYTH: I was a controlling psychopath

she would always throw that accusation out at me. But she could never explain what I did that was so controling. I dindt tell her how to where her hair, make up dress or limt who her friends were. Didnt tell her where to go or how to act. She would alway say this when she was wanting to go on a trip out of town without me and me question why I could go. She would say " you so controlling that you cant even let me ouit of your sight. which wasnt true I just wonder why I could go on a beach trip with her.

MYTH: I was invasive, untrusting, and paranoid

same thing. I was accused of getting her phone records, eaves dropping, spying on her in genral. None of happened, towrds the end I started looking at her phone. I was becoming paranoid. But she always getting phone calls and going to the bathroom to take the calls, or would have some man tetxing her and she would blame in on someone else giving out her number and of course she claimed she didnt never repsond to the other men.

[mavis]

MYTH:  That you need to forgive her for anything.

TRUTH:  You need to forgive yourself for being taken in by this person.  It's not your fault.  They are experts at what they do.

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO:  Take care of yourself, love yourself, trust yourself.


Modified due to poor grammar.

[nak]

My T advised that r/s w/ a BPD can be crazy making .

The bad mouthing to all her friends and family was awful. The drama in the r/s caused my r/s w/ her family to sour and in the end I'm left looking like a total devil. Despite having saved her house from foreclosure many times.

I got no thanks from anyone in her family.

She would always say, "None of my friends like you" . And I would reply, "But I don't know any of your friends".

women trust other women. So when she starts bad mouthing you, as a guy, you are doomed/screwed.

[mtmc01]

MYTH: I wasn't there for her

FACT: She wasn't there for me. Everything was about her. She always had to create some sort of problem that I was supposed to coddle her through. One memory that stands out distinctly is when I was very stressed one night and didn't feel like going out. I was laying on the floor with my head down and said to just give me a few minutes, I'm just really stressed out about my interviews. She "couldn't handle me being that way", went out and got drunk, came back and as usual denied having had any alcohol. Her mother came the next day to try and mediate (sticking her nose in problems that weren't hers as usual) and my ex acted like it was completely unacceptable for me to have a moment of depression and anxiety. This was coming from the person who was a walking depression magnet and I was supposed to put up with it and it was fine because it's "not like she's mad or upset with me". She never acted like she cared about my career I was working towards at all, which was very strange considering it was our future we were talking about. It was all about her stress in dealing with where we'd move, etc. She never gave a crap about the stress it caused me.

[blecker]

The title of your thread is forgiveness.

I love forgiveness. There is no better diet in the world. We become lighter, freer, and more accepting every time we are able to forgive, outwardly or inwardly.

The act of forgiveness is a decision to let go.

It seems that you are in a place of attributing blame. That's normal when we grow in a R/S defending ourselves.

But blame is for court houses, it won't help your heart.

Try to find the lessens here, try to understand your parts and what you can change about yourself, and let destiny, fate or simply circumstance dictate her solutions.

[mtmc01]

This is about forgiving myself, not forgiving her. I might eventually reach that point, but it's too soon.

[blecker]

This is about forgiving myself, not forgiving her. I might eventually reach that point, but it's too soon.

What have you done mtmc01 that requires forgiveness?

I was in much the same type relationship and I know that I did everything a man could do to make it work, to help her, to seek solutions, to offer peace.

My struggle was acceptance.

I had to accept the disease, my limitations and her tragic future.

[mtmc01]

I need to forgive myself for the guilt and responsibility I took on after she left and painted me black, placing 100% blame on me. I beat myself to a pulp over the things I did wrong in the relationship, especially at the end.

[HarmKrakow]

I need to forgive myself for the guilt and responsibility I took on after she left and painted me black, placing 100% blame on me. I beat myself to a pulp over the things I did wrong in the relationship, especially at the end.

But isnt it completely logically that you do that? Although it isnt right, it's not strange or weird that you done so.

[mtmc01]

I need to forgive myself for the guilt and responsibility I took on after she left and painted me black, placing 100% blame on me. I beat myself to a pulp over the things I did wrong in the relationship, especially at the end.

But isnt it completely logically that you do that? Although it isnt right, it's not strange or weird that you done so.

Maybe not, but I had reached a point where I was believing her and seeing things and myself through her supremely twisted POV rather than the whole truth.

[HarmKrakow]

I need to forgive myself for the guilt and responsibility I took on after she left and painted me black, placing 100% blame on me. I beat myself to a pulp over the things I did wrong in the relationship, especially at the end.

But isnt it completely logically that you do that? Although it isnt right, it's not strange or weird that you done so.

Maybe not, but I had reached a point where I was believing her and seeing things and myself through her supremely twisted POV rather than the whole truth.

Again, please understand that this is normal. If someone who loved you dearly or who you looked upto all out of a sudden says ur garbage just long enough. Youll eventually believe it. Thats how indoctrination starts.

Its completely normal that it happened. It would have been strange if it didnt happen. You wanna know why? Becauze that likely would have show you didnt love her as much as you thought you did.