Hoping To Heal

[invisiblelight88]

Hi everyone! I'm a little bit nervous to post here, but reading other people's stories has been so tremendously helpful I wanted to share mine. I'm in the early stages of therapy and untangling some complicated issues arising from growing up with a uBPD mother. I can't discuss things in real life as I have no one who really understands where I'm coming from. This is more of an introduction via venting than anything else! (Hope that's OK!)

I'm a 20something only child, grew up with uBPD mom whose favourite weapon was the silent treatment. Dad escaped as much as possible through work and used me to placate and divert mum's emotional storms. Mum and Dad would fight viciously (just words, no physical violence) and then, after the hysteria subsided, they would ask me to referee it, hash it out, and tell them who was right or wrong. If I said Dad was wrong, he would become angry and belittle me. Mum would be very pleased and act like a victim, refusing to speak to Dad until he sucked up enough to satisfy her, usually with lots of cajoling, extravagant declarations of love and/or gifts.

If I said Mum was wrong, then I would get the silent treatment. She was an expert. Not only would she refuse to speak to me, she would not look at me, would not feed me, would not interact with me on any level. The silent treatment felt like death. She did it to me starting from the time I was 3 or 4. I knew, even then, that being the umpire at the fights and the silent treatment were unnatural and wrong, but I didn't dare speak up.

Throughout my life, I experienced lots of other questionable behaviours from Mum, like rages out of the blue, statements so cruel they could take your breath away (all under the guise of "honesty" and constant shaming. I was never really cared for or supported, and mistakes made in the past were not allowed to be forgotten.

I was also not allowed to have feelings of my own, and if I ever expressed them, I was told they were wrong. Anger was especially taboo. I got the impression anger was extremely dangerous and something only powerful people could use on powerless ones.

Dad and I kind of became buddies to protect each other against Mum's behaviour. But we never actually discussed the impact of the behavior itself, or how it made us feel. He would just trot out a seemingly endless list of excuses for her. He blamed me for the bad relationship, calling me "stubborn" and saying the reason mum and I didn't get along because "we were two peas in a pod." 

I tried to take his advice and 'be the bigger person', which I did until I could stand it no more and moved out as a teenager to go to uni as far away as possible. As I made my way in the world and moved away, the tensions seemed to simmer down, though Mum's "moods" dampened many a holiday and caused a lot of drama, with Dad still making excuses. It just didn't affect me as much as I wasn't in the fire on a daily basis anymore.

We still chatted on the phone and visited twice a year or so but the distance made things easier to bear. Over the last few years, the calls have gotten less and less frequent, with them rarely calling me. I would usually initiate, and if I didn't call for a couple weeks, I would get a vague lecture about neglectful children. Never mind that they didn't call me for months!

Fast forward about a decade and I am married, living overseas and thinking all of this was basically behind me. Recently, my dad asked me to produce an expensive, time consuming piece of art for my mum's 50th birthday to show her I loved her. She was "down in the dumps" and since I wasn't showing her enough love, I had to make it up to her and produce something for her that she could show others. It was the least I could do, since I had basically abandoned her and the family.

This sent me to such a dark place that I sought out therapy the next day. I was shocked at how furious I was and it scared me enough to ring a crisis line for the first time in my life. I never thought I was the type of person to need those resources. It was very humbling for me.

I told my therapist about my childhood. We worked out that I had coped with a difficult mother by giving too much of myself, trying to hide, and ignoring bad behaviour. The therapist raised the possibility that Mum is probably uBPD and I have been reading up on it ever since. The stories are so totally familiar, I feel I could have written them. I'm putting pieces together logically as I educate myself about BPD, but I haven't really started working on the emotional healing yet.

I will be returning to my native country in a few years after my husband and I start our family. I won't have the geographical distance between me and my parents, so I'm grateful I am in therapy now and hope to work through things before then. It's hard work and quite painful, but I hope it will be worth it in the end. Any advice appreciated!

[Kwamina]

Hi invisiblelight88!  

Sorry to read you had such a rough childhood. Working through this is painful indeed. Since you're gonna be moving back in a few years time, setting boundaries will be very important. Living abroad created a 'natural' boundary but after that's gone you'll have to start setting some boundaries yourself. But there's still enough time though, you got a few years to work on it!  

I think your father's request for your mother's birthday triggered something that was there all along deep inside of you. You probably had kept all those memories and emtions burried for a long time, but weren't able to do this anymore so everything started coming to the surface. We've all gone through this. For years I went on auto-pilot untill I just couldn't go on like that no more. The turning point for me was a double rage episode by my uBPD mom & sis. After that I knew things had to change.

The silent treatment is what I would call a silent killer. My brother was able to keep this up for weeks. He wouldn't look at us and not speak to us, totally not acknowledging our existence at all.

Good luck with your therapy! Things will definitely get better!    

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi Invisible Light.

Welcome. Youre in the right place. This is so much more than just a forum. Its a place of support, healing and also education. Keep reading, even if you cant feel it helping, it is.

Its a brave and wonderful thing that you are seeking some therapy. Keep going. It will be tough some days but the first thing we need to realise, is that we need to be putting ourselves first. We need to be selfish with our own healing and health. You will see that you are not alone.

Theres so many great resources on here for you to learn about how to deal with your mum. I too have a uBPD mum, and have been in therapy for a little while now. I can tell you it does get easier with learning and persevering with your therapists work. I have found the best one for me (but everyone is different) is a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I had many lightbulb moments reading this.

Good luck with your therapy. Stay Strong and look after yourself! x

[Santa Clara]

I am sorry to hear you have such troubles with your mum.  Very tough indeed.

I recognize so much of what you have described here, including living overseas and thinking all is ok but one event sending you to a very dark place (almost a mirror of my story).  That place is very scary, but it does get light again. 

For me right now life feels lighter than it has ever been, and think probably it is so because I had 'been thrown' into that dark place and worked (still working) through it with help.  So, it is hopefully a good sign 

I discovered my mother probably has BPD last summer and the knowledge, although at times very painful, has actaully been very liberating.

I began therapy and it has been very helpful.

Good luck with everything.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi invisiblelight,

Welcome!   The silent treatment is the worst! It's my mother's favorite form of punishment too, and I know the kind of pain you described. It's very invalidating, and I can imagine how painful it was to have your father use you to help deal with your mother's behavior. That's all very hard to grow up with.

It's great that you're in therapy and working on yourself.  It's a lot of work, but working on yourself is very rewarding and empowering. When you move back to your native country, what would you change, now that you know more about BPD?

You've found the right place for understanding and support. Please feel free to jump into the conversations here and let us know how we can best support you.

-GG

[invisiblelight88]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I'm grateful for the understanding but I'm sorry we've all gained it by suffering with a BPD parent.  :'(

I know I need some boundaries to protect myself, but it seems terrifying. How do you set boundaries with people who will go into a rage at the very thought of them? I have to give it a try, though, because nothing else is working. I tried raging back as a teenager- to disastrous effect with Mum upping the ante with unbelievably hurtful statements. Try as I might, I could never out-rage her. enDad would then get in in the action, shaming me for causing trouble and being a stroppy, inappreciative brat.

I then moved onto my next technique, which was "ignore." I just ignored her rants/drama/self-pity. This was made much easier by the fact I was on a different continent and moved out of the house. I thought I was doing the right thing by just ignoring bad behavior as best as I could, but when the therapist and I really examined it, it's just making things worse. That was quite a revelation! I had no idea I was actually contributing to the bad situation. It also cost me dearly, as I wasn't being true to myself and building up heaps of resentment. Somehow I didn't even notice!

So the only viable techniques left seem to be either boundaries or NC. I am considering NC with my parents but I fear it will mean cutting ties with all of my family. So it's boundaries for now, if I can manage. I'm quite fearful that when the time comes to assert my boundary,  I will turn to a mass of jelly!

[Santa Clara]

I don't know if this will help your situation but I can tell you about the conculusion I have come to regarding setting boundries.  It is quite new, but feels very good just now... .  

My therapist thought I should let my mother know that I felt hurt by her in a simple email, not blaming just stating that that was the case and the reason I wont be seeing my mother this year.  She thought this was important for me rather than about 'fixing' things with my BP mum (my mother could respond to this news however she chose).

Here are the boundries I have set up with help of my therapist.

I have put a caller ID on my phone so I don't need to speak to my mother on the phone (I have decided for a while I won't be speaking to her and when I speak to her again will by my decision).

I have changed my email settings so all emails from my mother go directly to my husband who will read BP mums emails and not tell me about the content (he will only tell me what she says if my mum simply writes to say she is sorry- which is not about to happen- or if my mother has a serious medical problem).

I have asked my brother not to tell me anything my mother says about me to him and I explained to him all the steps I am taking and why.

I will write to my BPmum regularly with news of what me and my little family are up to.  All pleasant emails and as I won't know what she has been writing to me or saying behind my back it is easy/will be easy to do.  No cogs.

I contacted my godmother (my mothers good friend) and spoke to her honestly about my mother, and explained why I won't be seeing my mum this year.  My godmother was really supportive.

Implementing these boundries has taken me several weeks and much introspection, fear, guilt... .   you name it. 

Now I have just implemented them all. Also a couple of days ago I sent mum the simple email saying I won't be seeing her this year but also that things she has said to me recently I have felt hurt by. 

What is great is I feel so free now that I don't need to absorb her response.  I wish I had thought of this before!

I know all our situations are different, but right at this moment I am feeling so liberated.  Maybe something here would work for you?

Good luck.

[Kwamina]

So it's boundaries for now, if I can manage. I'm quite fearful that when the time comes to assert my boundary,  I will turn to a mass of jelly!

I understand why you feel like this. It's probably because you immediately think about what it was like when you were a kid. Things have changed now though, you're older, got your own family, are in therapy and have found bpdfamily.com! Being around our BPD parents often makes us feel like little children again, but just because we feel that way doesn't make it so. You're not that little kid anymore. We're adults now and this changes the dynamic, they really can't control us as easily anymore.

Even if you would turn to jelly (temporarily), that isn't the end of the world. You've survived so far so I think you'll survive then. Knowing about BPD and working on your issues will give you an even bigger chance of survival now.

[invisiblelight88]

Thanks everyone. I do realise I turn into a child when I'm around my parents. I go right back to that place of powerlessness. So far, it's been manageable as it's only a week or so per year whilst I'm overseas. But in several years, when I will most likely be within driving distance of my parents... .   well, that causes a cold sweat.

I'm glad to hear others are using boundaries successfully- that gives me a lot of hope! I will use all my new tools to the best of my ability and if I fail along the way, I know I can pick myself up now. My husband is very supportive but has quite a supportive family so cannot put himself in my shoes.

I feel really shocked at how long I actually believed all uBPDm's venomous statements- I'm almost 30 yet I took her vitriol as if it were the absolute truth! Then I had Dad telling me that it was my fault that Mum was a bit "off" and if I was just a bit more accommodating and easy to get along with, there would be no problems. I really took that to heart.   

I'm actually becoming grateful that I was finally pushed to my breaking point. I might have gone on for years just being trampled on. I'll be continuing therapy as long as I can afford it (unfortunately, it's not covered under insurance and is quite pricey) but it's a great investment in myself. I'm worth it!