Need help with unstable feelings

[Maryiscontrary]

Hey guys, one of the few things I had left is an old Mazda pickup of my fathers that I have had a long time. It was great and had a funky spray artistic painted door. Worked great.

It was one of the few things I have left from my past. I have lost everything, I mean everything else. Even my beloved cat, who disappeared. Everything. business, home, relationships, many deaths, everything.

Well, this bag of dicks 18 wheeler crunched it yesterday. ass whole.


I bring this up, because I feel persecuted, and that the universe just serves to take and take and take. I feel every damn thing in my life is unreliable and fleeting, and there is not a damn thing I can do.

I see worthless people have stable lives no matter what they do to screw it up. I practice utmost care and mindfulness, and these douchebags just waltz right in and fvck it up, with nothing I can do whatsoever, short of deadly assault.

I feel paranoid.

[Want2know]

That sucks, big time!  :'(

I'm not sure what your beliefs are, but I tend to think there is a lesson in the crap that happens to me.  It's the only thing that helps me get through the feeling of being 'persecuted'.  

For example, and it may sound goofy, but, my exNPDbf lived a life of poverty prior to moving in with me, and used to cook meals cheaply that I would have never thought of (they were good, too).  So, after moving to where I am recently, I used some of his cooking techniques to help get through a rough time, financially.  

So, out of that crappy r/s, I learned something from him that has helped me later down the line.  Real simple example, I know, but there are other things that I've learned from him that have helped me after our relationship ended.  I believe things do happen for a reason.  You just have to be open to finding the lesson in them.

[Maryiscontrary]

This has just been too much. I believe the nature wants to cull me from the herd.

[Maryiscontrary]

I am fine now. Thanks so much.

Man, I have been damaged. Every thing just sets me off.

I live in west Texas. Oil patch. Lots of gun enthusiasts. I have been offered several times to have lessons in shooting. I decline. I do not want to become proficient in weaponry. When I get in these moods, I feel empathy shut off. I feel like I could pull a vicious quentin Tarantino flick stunt... .   and feel nothing. This is a real.loose. Screw. I feel like this is neurological, sensitive to the physiological stress response. Also, autoimmune issues really flare up, which could be the cause.

I am fine.

[maria1]

Mary

It's totally fine to be angry when unfair things happen. Isn't it? And you've had one too many unfair things happen so you deserve to get mad and rant and imagine getting even.

You deserve better and you'll get there. You're getting there. 

[Diligence]

Dear Maryiscontrary,

What a blow to have your Mazda squashed! 

I had a sob-fest on Wednesday.  I was feeling like life's circumstances were stacked against me.  I do not like to cry and rarely do.  However, after I felt angry for a while, the tears started to flow.  Simultaneously, I knew I needed to cry but wanted to shut it down.  I must have sobbed for an hour, fighting the inclination to stuff my feelings rather than continue with the breakdown.

After I cried, I logged on to this board.

I think it is great that you posted your feelings.  It sounds like it helped moderate them.

I recently had a therapy appointment during which I unloaded my own persecuted feelings.  At the end of my session, the counselor asked me how I was going to take care of myself after the visit.  The focus of the question was helpful.  I forget to be patient, kind, and nurturing to myself when my feelings are inflamed.

Is there something soon you can do to nurture yourself?  After my appointment, I stopped for a giant chocolate milkshake.  I don't recommend that, but the idea of being gentle with myself was in my mind.  For me, that is a step in a positive direction.

With my compassion,

Diligence

[Want2know]

I believe the nature wants to cull me from the herd.

I don't see you giving in on this one, and it's a good thing you recognize the 'going postal' possibility.  

Trying to figure out the nature of the universe is something that is beyond all of us.  Why certain things happen to some, and not to others is a mystery - sometimes.  Other times it's easy to see.  A man gets fired because he's constantly late to work and does his job poorly without trying to improve.  That one's easier to see on the outside looking in, but that man probably thinks that he was treated unjustly.

In your case today with your pickup, that one's harder to see.  Two options there.  Either there is a reason, or there is no reason.  :)epends on what your belief system is, which is why I had mentioned it earlier.

Glad to see you are feeling a little better now.  What is it that made you feel ok?

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Mary,  That really sucks about your pickup and your cat.  I would feel very upset, too. 

I agree with others that it is great you are posting your feelings.  That takes a lot courage and it is difficult to do... . at least for me it is.  But that is how we grow, and you are growing whether you feel like it or not.    

I'm sorry you've had so many losses.  I'd like to ask you if you can identify what you do have in life that gives you some joy or peace or sense of purpose?  For me, it doesn't have to be material, although those things are ok, too. 

Also, I understand what it feels like to think the universe is out to get me, but this is just not true.  Keep looking for the goodness.  It is there.  Take it easy.

[Maryiscontrary]

Guys, I so very much appreciate your very empathetic reponses. This means very, very much to me.

I guess the real issue is that I have made every conscious attempt to have as simple of a life as possible. I live in an RV, have very, very few things. Very few bills or things to remember. Very simple diet. Very simple health regimen. Very simple social regimen. Avoid drama at all costs.

Yet, other people have really, really fvcked up my life, over and over and over. It is absolutely out of my domain of control.

I don't understand, everybody else around me have lives so stable and boring, with the same residence, same employer, same people, same cars, same pets, same structure. I mean everybody, except for extremely self destructive people in and out of the criminal justice system.

S hit is just slipping away from me at an astonishing rate. I cannot get traction, no matter what I do. No matter how clean I keep my side of the road, no matter how freaking immaculate, outside forces have destroyed my life.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Mary,  That sounds extremely frustrating.  And yes, there are a lot of things in this world that we are powerless over, especially other people's actions.  But I know there are some things that I do have control over, mainly my reactions, to some extent, over external stimuli. 

I have control over how I proceed forward.  I have control over what I choose to focus on (the problem or the solution).  I know how hard it is to get past focusing on the problem when it is right in your face (I have some of that going on right now myself) but, for me, it is possible to shift my gaze towards the solution.  I encourage you to keep doing that.  I know you are in pain from your losses and that is normal.  It will take some time.  My new therapist told me on Friday that I was still grieving.  This is true.  What can we do to shift our gaze? 

You've mentioned meditation and a healthy diet.  These are things you have control over.  You have control over who you want to be in contact with.  You have control over what you choose to focus on.  This doesn't take away all the pain, but it can help to alleviate some of it.  What else do you enjoy?  I like to read an interesting book, take walks, call a friend, have a nice meal, listen to music.  These are things I enjoy and I have some control over.  Best wishes to you. 

[marbleloser]

If you get a chance,read "The Road Less Travelled".I need to re-read it again myself.I often forget when things don't go the way I'd like them to,that "Life is difficult".That's the very first sentence in the book and it's frikkin' right on,in your face,this sht sucks sometimes,the truth.But,life also has it's ups,along with it's downs.Also try to remember that we wouldn't know happiness,if we didn't experience sadness.There can't be one without the other.

[Maryiscontrary]

Guys I really, really appreciate the effort and energy and the care you are expressing. And the effort it takes. I just don't think you fully understand.

Because of perceptual difficulties, the world of people is a frightening and confusing place. It would be like telling a blind person that he needed to drive or do brain surgery, or suffer the consequences and punishment. It would be like telling person with a gimp leg that he's not running a marathon fast enough. It comes out as evil and sadistic to the other end.

When I say that there are a LOT of crappy, no good people, it is because interactions are so invalidating and insulting, with the perpetrators being retarded jackasses with deer in the headlight expression, as they they are righteous, but they do not know what the hell they are taking about.

I mean, the truck driver guy who hit me did not care and tried to lie. He did not pick up and of the broken plastic pieces. He did not offer to help in any way. Did not offer a ride. Just was worried about his job. This type of interaction is so common in my life... .   so common... .   that it makes me think that maybe it is best to treat people like the stupid, non thinking cattle they are. I feel my faith in humanity being blasted into smithereens.

These events are making me lose traction in my life. seriously, how am I supposed to get back to normal when it is just one thing after another?

[maria1]

The other day it was thick snow. I had my 7 year old son in the back of the car and was driving up my road. Cars park on both sides. If you meet a car coming down one of you has to pull over but if one of you pulls over you are likely to get stuck in the ice on the side. A car comes down and the middle aged man shouts out the window at me 'Pull over you have a four wheel drive'. I don't and it doesn't even look like a four wheel drive.

I said 'I don't have a four wheel drive. He sat there, refusing to move. I reversed down the road until there was a spot we could both pass safely on.

This guy obviously though I was just a stupid woman with a kid in the car who didn't know whether I had a four wheel drive or not. He was quite happy to leave me and my son stuck on the side of the road so he could get past. B*****d.

It made me feel horrible and it made my son feel horrible too. I mean really horrible. How can people do that, be so horrible? Because they are livinh horrible hateful mean and nasty lives that I have no interest in. I am happy that I am not living that life.

THERE ARE SO MANY HORRIBLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. I find it unbelievable. I wish we could just block them out. But we can't. Now and again they crash into us. They are everywhere but there are good people too. You are one of them. And there are so many on this site.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes Maria, I concur. I do not feel like we are catastrophsizing. I mean, this is very dark and mentally ill thought, but I feel like some people are just begging to be handled with brute force. Really, I could tear somebody to smithereens, and get them to shut up and either comply or leave me alone, since they are acting like animals.

Well guess what. I don't  want to do that. But sometime I feel like being a vicious bully, saying what I really think, which is a complete character assassination. And very much the truth... .   is the only way to get people to freaking back off.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Mary, You sound angry, and understandably so.  I would feel angry too if someone crunched my car and didn't care.  That is horrible.  I agree that there are mean, uncaring, evil people in the world.  I agree that the world can be a dangerous, scary place.  There are a lot of people that I'm not interested in giving my time to.  Sometimes I feel quite vicious myself, but like you said, I don't have to act on that.  Your feelings are real and valid.  I do know, however, that there are people who are worthy of my time and who do care about me.  Hang in there.

[maria1]

It's not mentally ill. I work with people who make complaints. Sometimes they just want to complain because they want to complain. No matter that their complaint is not important. No matter that they are wasting mine and everybody else's time with it. When I first started the job I was shocked by the attitude of my colleagues towards these people. Now I get it. These people are nasty, nasty characters. It's ok to think that because its the truth. I used to make excuses for everybody. No more.

I think you are right to save your compassion for people who have some goodness in them. Walk away from the ones who don't. But walk away with the knowledge you win because you have the compassion. They have none and that is a hateful life.

[Maryiscontrary]

Thanks again guys. I feel much better today.