being pushed away again

[benny2]

How do you deal with the pushing away? Its so hard. I have felt it coming on now for a few days. He'll call me and text me but say nothing. Its like hes trying to find something wrong that I am doing to give him an excuse. I'm trying hard to stay calm and not start something, but I truely just want to tell him that I know what hes doing and I'm done.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[benny2]

Do I dare confront him with this? Maybe hes not even aware of what hes doing. Should I ask him if this is what he wants? Or is it best to sit it out? I am trying to be understanding. I told him you know I love you and he replied yep. Its so hard.

[kampuniform]

When you’re dealing with dichotomous thinking, there is no one correct answer.  When I’d get the Push vibe, I’d fall off the radar completely, and just occupy my days without her until her mood changed.  She might return in a day or two, or I’d not hear from her for three months.

It’s not a condition that allows you to dialogue your way through to a mutually satisfying conclusion for both parties.  You really do have to go with the flow.

I had to have a life independent of her in order to retain my equilibrium. 

[an0ught]

Hi benny2,

Do I dare confront him with this? Maybe hes not even aware of what hes doing. Should I ask him if this is what he wants? Or is it best to sit it out? I am trying to be understanding. I told him you know I love you and he replied yep. Its so hard.

confrontation is not a good idea when you don't have all the facts and even then. When he is not willing or able to be open and share more then this may well be irritating, worrying and frustrating for you. Dealing with the your frustration is your problem.

On the other hand ignoring what is happening is not a good idea either. "I love you" may be helpful sometimes but it tends to invalidate people in trouble. His behavior is sending a signal - whatever it exactly means. Validating that you are perceiving a change of behavior that is indicating possibly some sort of trouble on his side may be a way to get him talking. And if he is not willing to do that right away it is his choice, at least the elephant (silence) is half way out of the room.

[benny2]

I have asked him if everything is alright or is he needed some space because he has been so quiet lately, but he just says, "I'm quiet, thats all" so I guess he is not ready to talk about it. Before I would take this personally and pry, but now I am just trying to sit it out. So far he is not getting  mean or saying anything negative. Alot of times when he gets like this he will start making faces at me and critisizing me, thats when I loose it. Hes just being very distant, unaffectionate, and won't let me do anything for him. Hes probably changing his mind again about the relationship. He wants me when he does'nt have me, and then when he has me he's not sure. I know hes been very insecure lately about me finding someone else so that in itself could be making him push awasy. I just don't know.

[connect]

Hi Benny2,

Its horrible being pushed away.

Mine did this before his holiday and I knew why. I said to him "you are trying to push me away as that will make it easier for you to go away with someone else" It didnt work too well. He didnt acknowledge the truth in this statement. I only said this as it was about such a big issue. If it was a general pushing away rather than about a big issue then I used to leave him to come back when he was ready.