The red flags you ignored

[paperlung]

Keep in mind she was only 19 when I met her, too.

- Her mother was drug addict/alcoholic

- She was a foster child for a couple years

- Neglected by her mother and father growing up

- She was a cutter

- She had an eating disorder (anorexia)

- She used to cut pills up and snort them like cocaine

- She used to strangle herself with a belt

- She carved the initials of this guy she liked into her leg with something sharp

- No friends/social life

- Dropped out of high school after Grade 8

- She cheated on her first boyfriend

- She met all her boyfriends through the internet

- She lied to me about having a job (was actually on welfare)

- She told me about all her ex-boyfriends and showed me pictures of them the first day we met

- She told me she loved me the first week of dating

- She wanted to move out with me very early on

- Was depressed a lot

- Felt like dying

- Felt very lonely

- Was agoraphobic/had panic attacks, which limited outings (lived like a hermit in her room)

- Very clingy/needy (she wanted to see me basically every day)

- Always tried to pick up new hobbies but never stuck with them

- Was afraid I would leave her/didn't think she was good enough for me


There's of course more, like how she cheated on me, then wanted me back because she still loved me, but then felt like she still loved the guy she cheated on me with... .   X_X

I didn't even know about BPD before I met her. It wasn't until much later on (we dated for 1.5 years) that found out about it and thought she might have it. I brought it up to her and she got pretty pissed off at me. BUT, she apparently got diagnosed with it anyway after we split.

[mango_flower]

1) The fact she had nobody from her past still in her life, bar one or two ex-work colleagues that she wasn't that close to back then, but she called them her "best friends" (I believe they cultivated online friendships AFTER they worked together)

2) The fact that a friend of a friend passed on the message to steer clear, that she had "issues"

3) The fact that her ex-friend rang her up ranting, saying she'd borrowed money from her (the friend's) grandad - and my ex claimed this had never happened

4) The fact that none of her own family speak to her

5) Her ex-husband was supposedly abusive

6) "Bad" things happened to her in her childhood, not once, but on about 6 different occasions (all different people)

7) The fact she fell out with friends whilst we were going out with each other

8) She was made "redundant" from many of her jobs

9) I found debt letters which she claimed to know nothing about

10) People (ex friends) still contacting her via text, even though she had changed her number, supposedly to get away from them... .   (I believe now that she stayed very much in touch with them!)

Other red flags only appeared AFTER our relationship broke down - I found out that she owes money (baillifs came to my door) and friends of friends didn't look surprised when they found out she'd effectively ran away leaving me to deal with all bills etc... .  

[Wooddragon]

Showing me photos of exes on second date

Fixation with one ex in particular

OCD/anxiety related behaviour

Alcohol & television addictions

Reluctance/hostility in talking about how past relationships had ended

History of cheating

No friends from childhood/ early adulthood

Friends mostly female

Female "business partner" who seemed to take a very active interest in his social/sex life (triangulation (read definition))

Relationship got very intense very quickly

Pushing sexual boundaries

Sexual dysfunction (couldn't get it up early on)

Very flirtatious with other women

A friend of his tried to warn me about him

Told me that he had told friends that I was the love of his life but they seemed to act as tho I was "nothing special"

[BradyK]

This is really difficult for me to put in front of everyone, so maybe it is good to get it out there.

1. He TOLD me "I have fidelity issues."

I thought: No one cheats on me, I'm different.

2. He TOLD me "I have trouble sustaining relationships. I think I haven't met the right person."

I thought: I have no trouble sustaining relationships. I'll be different.

3. He TOLD me "I cheated on my ex wife, but I really had no choice."

I thought: Of course he had a choice. He sounds very immature. Oh well.

4. He related a story about a "another screaming match" with his ex wife and I guess I looked shocked because he said "oh come on, everyone has arguments".

I thought: Arguments, yes, but no one yells at me. I'll be different.

5. There were several instances, early on, where he remembered events or conversations completely differently than I did.

I thought: Wow. Guess I wasn't paying attention. How odd.

6. He TOLD me: "You won't put up with me forever."

I thought: Poor guy. Low opinion of himself. But I think he's great.

7. He TOLD me: "I am trouble" but wouldn't elaborate.

I thought: I don't see this in him. What is the worst that can happen? If we break up someday, I can handle it.

8. Very intense from day one. Long phone calls, emails, lots of contact,etc. And yet, he didn't really want to know anything substantive about me.

I thought: he really thinks I'm special. The rest will come in time.

[Blessed0329]

1. The level of interest in me was very intense and unnerving. He studied me, almost like I was a specimen.

2. I did not understand the extreme copying of me, which I found to be very, very weird. I later learned it is called mirroring, and typical behavior for those with BPD.

3. He told me, "when I am happy with you (meaning anyone), I think everything you say is wonderful. When I am not happy with you, it doesn't matter what you say, I won't like it."

4. He told me he has an attachment disorder due to there being no caregiver available for him to attach to when he was little.

5. Four of his five siblings want nothing to do with him and think he is a big jerk. He said they are "narcissistic."

6. He was needy and hypersensitive to everything I said and did, often interpreting my actions to mean rejection, when there was nothing remotely meant that way.

[HarmKrakow]

Keep in mind she was only 19 when I met her, too.

- Her mother was drug addict/alcoholic

- She was a foster child for a couple years

- Neglected by her mother and father growing up

- She was a cutter

- She had an eating disorder (anorexia)

- She used to cut pills up and snort them like cocaine

- She used to strangle herself with a belt

- She carved the initials of this guy she liked into her leg with something sharp

- No friends/social life

- Dropped out of high school after Grade 8

- She cheated on her first boyfriend

- She met all her boyfriends through the internet

- She lied to me about having a job (was actually on welfare)

- She told me about all her ex-boyfriends and showed me pictures of them the first day we met

- She told me she loved me the first week of dating

- She wanted to move out with me very early on

- Was depressed a lot

- Felt like dying

- Felt very lonely

- Was agoraphobic/had panic attacks, which limited outings (lived like a hermit in her room)

- Very clingy/needy (she wanted to see me basically every day)

- Always tried to pick up new hobbies but never stuck with them

- Was afraid I would leave her/didn't think she was good enough for me

I do think the ones in bold doesn't neccesarily have to be a red flag per se. It goes to far.

People who are depressed a lot, feel lonely, have panic attacks due to the fact that they were a foster child and neglected by their parents doesn't neccesarily mean big red flags. There are more than enough examples who had this and came out fine.

Many people here who are sufferers of a break up with a BPD are now also depressed a lot, also feel lonely and also have panic attacks. Many of these sufferers will try to date again. Doesn't mean a 'sane' person who they are dating will be like, you just came out of a BPD r/s but you seem to have a lot of red flags urself!

[HarmKrakow]

I would like to add to that, that many of us NONs are going to quite a rough patch ourselves, from no self esteem and self confidence to sometimes even suicidal and go on AD's and sleeping pills all because of this break up. Its why we are here... . We try to process, evaluate our issues, work them out and move on and burn those ships behind us.

Does this mean we are now damaged goods as well? Cuz thats quite the daunting prospect, because I might as well pull the plug effective immediately then.

[paperlung]

Keep in mind she was only 19 when I met her, too.

- Her mother was drug addict/alcoholic

- She was a foster child for a couple years

- Neglected by her mother and father growing up

- She was a cutter

- She had an eating disorder (anorexia)

- She used to cut pills up and snort them like cocaine

- She used to strangle herself with a belt

- She carved the initials of this guy she liked into her leg with something sharp

- No friends/social life

- Dropped out of high school after Grade 8

- She cheated on her first boyfriend

- She met all her boyfriends through the internet

- She lied to me about having a job (was actually on welfare)

- She told me about all her ex-boyfriends and showed me pictures of them the first day we met

- She told me she loved me the first week of dating

- She wanted to move out with me very early on

- Was depressed a lot

- Felt like dying

- Felt very lonely

- Was agoraphobic/had panic attacks, which limited outings (lived like a hermit in her room)

- Very clingy/needy (she wanted to see me basically every day)

- Always tried to pick up new hobbies but never stuck with them

- Was afraid I would leave her/didn't think she was good enough for me

I do think the ones in bold doesn't neccesarily have to be a red flag per se. It goes to far.

People who are depressed a lot, feel lonely, have panic attacks due to the fact that they were a foster child and neglected by their parents doesn't neccesarily mean big red flags. There are more than enough examples who had this and came out fine.

Many people here who are sufferers of a break up with a BPD are now also depressed a lot, also feel lonely and also have panic attacks. Many of these sufferers will try to date again. Doesn't mean a 'sane' person who they are dating will be like, you just came out of a BPD r/s but you seem to have a lot of red flags urself!

Yeah, actually, the ones you highlighted I was debating whether or not to include because, well, you're kind of right. I guess I included those to moreso illustrate just how dysfunctional this individual was. My ex is the epitome of a low-functioning pwBPD.

[HarmKrakow]

Keep in mind she was only 19 when I met her, too.

- Her mother was drug addict/alcoholic

- She was a foster child for a couple years

- Neglected by her mother and father growing up

- She was a cutter

- She had an eating disorder (anorexia)

- She used to cut pills up and snort them like cocaine

- She used to strangle herself with a belt

- She carved the initials of this guy she liked into her leg with something sharp

- No friends/social life

- Dropped out of high school after Grade 8

- She cheated on her first boyfriend

- She met all her boyfriends through the internet

- She lied to me about having a job (was actually on welfare)

- She told me about all her ex-boyfriends and showed me pictures of them the first day we met

- She told me she loved me the first week of dating

- She wanted to move out with me very early on

- Was depressed a lot

- Felt like dying

- Felt very lonely

- Was agoraphobic/had panic attacks, which limited outings (lived like a hermit in her room)

- Very clingy/needy (she wanted to see me basically every day)

- Always tried to pick up new hobbies but never stuck with them

- Was afraid I would leave her/didn't think she was good enough for me

I do think the ones in bold doesn't neccesarily have to be a red flag per se. It goes to far.

People who are depressed a lot, feel lonely, have panic attacks due to the fact that they were a foster child and neglected by their parents doesn't neccesarily mean big red flags. There are more than enough examples who had this and came out fine.

Many people here who are sufferers of a break up with a BPD are now also depressed a lot, also feel lonely and also have panic attacks. Many of these sufferers will try to date again. Doesn't mean a 'sane' person who they are dating will be like, you just came out of a BPD r/s but you seem to have a lot of red flags urself!

Yeah, actually, the ones you highlighted I was debating whether or not to include because, well, you're kind of right. I guess I included those to moreso illustrate just how dysfunctional this individual was. This person is the epitome of a low-functioning pwBPD.

I guess you included those because you felt like venting and maybe feel ashamed you fell for this person and therefore hyper vigilant on a few characteristics where it's easy to overlook certain things and just smash everything in a list which one way or another can be interpreted negatively. To me it just seems hyper-sensitive to all that can have the slighest negative impact and make an elephant out of a mouse. Im not blaming you, i just try to shed a different light on it.

[mtmc01]

-Within a week of meeting, made me promise her every single day (oftentimes many times a day) that I would never leave her (even during sex)

-Within a week of meeting told me "I'm really ****ed up"

-Wanted me to propose after being together for two weeks

-Eating disorder

-Alcoholic

-FH of alcoholism/addiction

-Crazy/overbearing/codependent mother

-Went through terrible divorce and took it 100% on her self and still obviously wasn't over it many years later

-Emotionally distant father

-Her sister, who I now realize is the "normal" one, kept her distance from her emotionally from her and said after we were engaged "does he know about all of your issues?"

-Her poetry she started writing for me within a week had topics like one being as if written to her ex about how horrible he was and how great I am and how everything would be perfect now, another that basically predicted all of the crap she was going to put me through and if I could "weather the storm", another very depressing one about how she needed to be picked up from the abyss, etc., etc.

-Everything was about her, never truly acted interested in my issues

-Chronically depressed, cried just about every day for any little reason, would get blamed on me

-Never took responsibility for ANYTHING, her family didn't hold her accountable either. Always an excuse

-Always had some sort of ailment or issue that needed caretaking

-Horrible self image, despite being beautiful. Constantly put herself down and freaked out about her looks. She'd breakdown and cry just from trying clothes on in a department store or going to the beach.

-Ate lactose and gluten constantly, often sneaking it, despite being lactose intolerant and Celiac and the fact it would mean auto sickness and diarrhea

-Extremely immature and naive. Didn't do simple things like brushing teeth, use dishwasher, know normal bathroom hygiene, etc.

-She freaked out in any public situation and could never act "herself" (if she has a 'self' around others except for her mother

-Couldn't get along with my family, was extremely awkward with them and quiet, despite the fact that they're the most laid back and friendly people you'll ever meet

-Carried on numerous Facebook, email and text conversations, many times inappropriate with random guys without telling me

-Lied, hid things from me. Started going to church after starting AA without even telling me, then left me because of newfound religion

-Wanted to get a surrogate if we had kids, even though she had no medical reason

-OD'ed on Celexa one night when I was really frustrated with the drinking and contemplating leaving or taking a break

-Anytime I'd suggest something like her staying at her mom's for a few days during the alcoholism, she'd freak out and say I might as well leave her, how could I say that, etc. I was attempting to set boundaries.

-Once we were engaged, started acting differently in some ways. Would freak out on me if she hadn't eaten in two hours, and act like it was acceptable behavior to throw a tantrum about it or having to use the restroom.

-The ONE counseling session we went to, she stormed out when the therapist straight up said we should push back the wedding a bit and work on things and that she had an alcohol problem that she needed to admit to based on what we'd both told him

-Had no truly close friends

-Had many people she "didn't like" and didn't want to see in her hometown

-Saw her on multiple occasions split friends and see them suddenly as "all bad" and announce to them via FB/text/email that she wasn't friends with them anymore

-Got an IUD on a whim because she didn't like her OC pills. I was away on an interview when she did this, but knew about it because she said she was going to. She got drunk/on painkillers for the procedure and I thought she had died trying to get home and was scared out of my mind. When her mom found out and freaked out, it all got blamed on me and that I wanted to have sex without a condom. Total BS.

[ScotisGone74]

-Told me 'she loved me' after about the third time we had sex and unfortunately later found out this is while she was still freaking married

-had me over at her house, again while she lied about being divorced, and she was of course still married, her husband was over picking up stuff and she made sure to have me there to belittle him-he could have shot me and I would NEVER have been there if I knew she was married

-went out and bought my kids all kinds of christmas presents before even meeting them or telling me

-always constantly texting/calling

-early on in the relationship had constant unknown physical ailments, problems, issues

-supposedly got pregnant and had a miscarriage by me once

-always/constantly bringing up guy friends she knew or had

-getting almost giddy/very happy at work when some guy would talk to her

-always bring up how some guy wanted to date her but I was soo lucky to have her

-constantly disregarding any rules while at work

-throwing huge fits/tantrums that constantly got worse without provacation

-constantly wanting to have sex but hated kissing

-always needing to have the latest hip clothes to wear

-always having to get her hair/nails/and tan done on a weekly basis

[Rocknut]

1. 2 weeks after I met him, he told me his father molested him.2

2. he couldnt remember what happened the 5 years prior in his life in a different state.

3. he felt like dieing.

4. he felt dead inside.

5. he just wanted to be "numb" all day with marijuana.

[GreenMango]

I have a redflags list too.  It's very easy to make one.  If you are going to look at the BPD symptoms you experienced please tie it to the facts on the disorder.

The DSM-5, due out in 2013, is anticipated to bring a number of changes to the definition of the personality disorders.  As I understand it, the working group is trying to do away with the complex multiaxial diagnostic approach and to make the personality disorders more discrete (less overlap) - basically the Axes I, II, III will be consolidated to one -- the 10 personality disorders will be reduced to 6 -- and PD will be "scored" on a rating system based on severity.

The basic DSM 5 description is actually simpler than the DSM-IV - it will look something like this (note: no 5/9 criteria)

1 Impairments  The must be impairments in self functioning AND impairments in interpersonal functioning in Interpersonal - empathy and intimacy, and Self - self direction and identity.

2 Negative Affectivity, characterized by:

• Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances.

• Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control.

• Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy.

• Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior.

3 Disinhibition, characterized by:

• Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress.

• Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.

4 Hostility:  Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.

Not everything is BPD specific - its people specific and garden variety relationship dysfunction.  Clothing choice, past partners, cheating are not BPD specific. its very important to separate out what is part of the disorder and what isn't.

A good question to ask yourself as you analyze others is to also analyze your redflags too.  We all have them.  And to ask why in the face of such glaring redflags as unmitigated drug addictions, suicidal ideation, self harming, identity disturbance etc you persued the relationship.  

Co-ruminating and a venting dog pile while can feel super validating and good but isn't constructive.

[ScotisGone74]

I would like to add that in my case the expwBPD only let a couple of these Red flags seep out every now and then.  Only a couple of them were present when we started the relationship.  Also I would like to add on to the list of red flags:   

  -jumped to pay for anything and everything during the beginning of the relationship, threw fits that I pay for everything as it went along HA.

  -was constantly jealous with a vengeance about any female I was close

with or near, and would constantly put them down or say derogatory things about them

  -would really hammer her parents, friends, and sisters about a host of issues, how they never helped her, how everything they did was unfair or unkind to Her. 

  -tantrums/outbursts/rages grew worse in intensity and became more frequent as the relationship went along

 

   

[GreenMango]

Scot looking through the list on the criteria for the disorder where would you put those traits. 

And as you saw these things unroll after the honeymoon was over - every relationship has a honeymoon - were you questioning the relationship?

[ScotisGone74]

Honestly who on here that certainly had an exBPD as their significant other didn't at some point question the relationship and what was going on?

I would put many of them under Anxiousness, Seperation Insecurity, and Emotional Lability.  They weren't all glaring, and they came out slowly as the relationship went along. 

[GreenMango]

Shoot Scot I remember many a times after an incident going "what just happened?" Then being totally confused and then thinking okay we are going to talk another this - that's good.  Then coming  away from the conversation with more stinking questions and even more confused.

I know now that is called a circular conversation.  But I stayed in a long time-seriously long-even after the honeymoon and the redflags had become at least a weekly occurrence, sometimes daily.

I just kept rationalizing and minimizing things to myself.  Wierd thing after the first redflags I left - then I went back later.

So why'd you stick around?

[paperlung]

Honestly who on here that certainly had an exBPD as their significant other didn't at some point question the relationship and what was going on?

I would put many of them under Anxiousness, Seperation Insecurity, and Emotional Lability.  They weren't all glaring, and they came out slowly as the relationship went along.  

Personally, I ignored them because I thought things would be different with me. I was apparently the best boyfriend she had ever had. She completely idealized the heck outta me. I was her rock, savior, knight, ect. I promised her things would be better with me, I wanted to help her turn her rotten life around. I'm sure a lot of us thought we could 'fix' our partner.

One line she used a lot on me was, "I'm never going to be what YOU want me to be."

The thing about that was whatever I wanted her to be was the same as what she always wanted to be but couldn't. So I tried to set her on that path because that is what she desired deep down.

[GreenMango]

I think a lot of us thought we could help.

It's pretty scary to think a person could tell us some off the wall crap like "Ill never be what you want me to be".  Heard similar things.

Yet I didn't listen.  This person kept telling and showing me who they were and I didn't listen... .   talk about denial and codependency.

If you guys were to look back do you think you had some codependent stuff going on in the relationship that kept it going?

[ScotisGone74]

Definetely were codepent things going on, she kept using the "if you'll just marry me I'll quit acting like this" as a weapon against me the majority of the time, or something similar to that.   Honestly I stuck around through some of it because I really just didn't want to hurt her, I thought she might be capable of doing anything if I left right in the middle of all of it, plus I really cared about this person truly, had true love for her.  Thats why I'm still hurting right now, five months later. 

[Wooddragon]

This is really difficult for me to put in front of everyone, so maybe it is good to get it out there.

1. He TOLD me "I have fidelity issues."

I thought: No one cheats on me, I'm different.

2. He TOLD me "I have trouble sustaining relationships. I think I haven't met the right person."

I thought: I have no trouble sustaining relationships. I'll be different.

3. He TOLD me "I cheated on my ex wife, but I really had no choice."

I thought: Of course he had a choice. He sounds very immature. Oh well.

4. He related a story about a "another screaming match" with his ex wife and I guess I looked shocked because he said "oh come on, everyone has arguments".

I thought: Arguments, yes, but no one yells at me. I'll be different.

5. There were several instances, early on, where he remembered events or conversations completely differently than I did.

I thought: Wow. Guess I wasn't paying attention. How odd.

6. He TOLD me: "You won't put up with me forever."

I thought: Poor guy. Low opinion of himself. But I think he's great.

7. He TOLD me: "I am trouble" but wouldn't elaborate.

I thought: I don't see this in him. What is the worst that can happen? If we break up someday, I can handle it.

8. Very intense from day one. Long phone calls, emails, lots of contact,etc. And yet, he didn't really want to know anything substantive about me.

I thought: he really thinks I'm special. The rest will come in time.

Those were my thoughts too! Your points 5 and 8 in particular. I thought that I was "different" - of course I was - didn't he keep telling me that ? (sigh)

[HarmKrakow]

From everything which is written here in the list, I can easily make 'another' list as a points which I wouldn't give a damn about if my new friend has these 'issues'. I mean, not brushing teeth, come on, thats just seeking out arguments for the sake of finding arguments.

[paperlung]

Definetely were codepent things going on, she kept using the "if you'll just marry me I'll quit acting like this" as a weapon against me the majority of the time, or something similar to that.   Honestly I stuck around through some of it because I really just didn't want to hurt her, I thought she might be capable of doing anything if I left right in the middle of all of it, plus I really cared about this person truly, had true love for her.  Thats why I'm still hurting right now, five months later.  

Same. I was afraid to break up with mine, too. I did truly love her, but the relationship just had way too downs than ups for my liking. I renember thinking to myself sometimes how much it sucked we couldn't do this or that because she was feeling too anxious and depressed. It's ironic in that she was always afraid I would leave her, and there were definely times the idea of doing just that crossed my mind, yet she was the one to sabotage the whole relationship her online affair. Go figure.

I also stuck around for as long as I did because I thought she would eventually get better with my help. She didnt. At all.

I hope she wakes up and realizes one day that no man is going to completely fulfill her.

[HarmKrakow]

I hope she wakes up and realizes one day that no man is going to completely fulfill her.

Why do you hope that?

[paperlung]

I hope she wakes up and realizes one day that no man is going to completely fulfill her.

Why do you hope that?

So she gets therapy instead of thinking 'the one' will solve everything.

[Findingmysong723]

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

― Maya Angelou

However, we just didn't want to believe what we were seeing or it'll get better.

When I first started dating my Ex Boyfriend (undiagnosed Borderline), I noticed how he eager he was to see me, and when I would come over telling me "I missed you," and I said "you just saw me the day" or something like that. However, I just kinda smiled and didn't take it so serious, that he was moving so fast. I got a key to his place only after a few months. I hadn't been in a relationship in a long time, I wanted all this in time, but wanted it bad enough to grab onto it too soon!

Also, early on seeing his anger and frustration to small things, like trying to hang something on a wall and having trouble and he asked me if I knew how and I said no, so in frustration my EX threw it down and damaged it. I remember him telling me something like "see this is the maddest you've seen me," like see that wasn't bad. I knew that he was 6 months into his recovery from alcohol, I knew that he would still have some issues. Early on he was still going to AA and talking to a therapist (only talk therapy), so I guess I thought things would get better. Unfortunately, he stopped going to AA and he stopped going to therapy and only went back the first time we broke up. I wish he stayed in therapy during the good times too!

[Findingmysong723]

 I noticed how he eager he was to see me, and when I would come over telling me "I missed you," and I said "you just saw me the other day" or something like that.

(that's what I meant to type)

[syz]

I want to kick myself sometimes for not paying closer attention though I noticed these things and they were odd.

No real close friends to speak of.  Not really very social though.  

After we'd hand out a lot of times I'd get a call almost immediately complaining about something I did that hurt her feelings when we'd been out, something insensitive, or that I was withholding or I was different.  Stuff that really didn't make much sense to me but that I didn't want to investigate further because we were just friends and I didn't feel that these conversations were appropriate at our level of involvement... . which brings up another issue... . boundaries.

We fought a lot for just being friends.  Misunderstanding what I'd said or written.  Later there was a confirmed dyslexia diagnosis so I thought maybe it had to do with that.  

Found out later she fell in love with me at first sight.  Big red flag.  She had no idea who I was at the time.  Too much adoration, devotion and thinking I was somehow special.  I mean its nice but still I was somewhat wary.  If someone puts you on pedestal there is no where to go but down.  plus I'm not that ego driven (though I certainly was accused of it)

random things i couldn't put my finger on but wonder about now... . we stopped hanging out after she told me she had feelings for me because I was in a relationship.  She showed up on my shift a few night to get a treatment in our clinic when I was supervising.  Also would occasionally get a text meant for someone else suggesting she was going out and having fun and meeting this person.  At the time she didn't have a smart phone... . its easy to mistext on iphones but with the older phones you had to plug in the person.  I'd forgotten that one.  

Once my relationship ended and we decided to start seeing each other casually it went to hell very fast.  That is when the dysregulation really appeared.  She had to check in constantly with what I was thinking, where my head was at, if I was using her.  Every little shift in the relationship had to be processed.  I started to be accused of things that really were slights against my character.  I was on the defensive constantly.  She wouldn't give me space even though she'd say she was going to give space.  Within 5 weeks she needed to get on medication for falling apart due to anxiety.  I had to stay on the phone with her for hours processing.   It grew exhausting.   There began to be rules about what we could talk about and what we couldn't.  I wasn't allowed to bring up anything she had done in that past... . because she wasn't that person anymore.  Though I hardly thought she had changed.  It was just so flipping weird.  

Finally it all culminated when one night I lost my cell phone and couldn't be reached.  she accused me of shutting it off though I tried to reach her on FB messenger.  I had also seen my ex for a few hours that day and she sensed we were hanging out though later that evening she texted me and I responded I was in the middle of packing (it was later that evening I went to a friends house to return some stuff I had borrowed and lost my phone)... . she was in a panic all night long, called my roomate the next day to have me call her.  (desperate behaviour).  I had planned on telling her but had some errands to run that were time sensitive so waited to tell her when I got home... . so I deceived her by delaying a few hours to tell her because I knew we were going to have to process this for HOURS. It couldn't be something simple as Hey ex came by yesterday to say good bye to me.  I got treated like a class a cheater... . even though we weren't in anything committed.  (long distance) 

Her accusations and perceptions just didn't make any sense or were taken to such an extreme.  Having to haggle over reality that much is a real red flag.  

I want to kick myself for ever taking this sexual.  I was a blithering idiot.  

[mtmc01]

From everything which is written here in the list, I can easily make 'another' list as a points which I wouldn't give a damn about if my new friend has these 'issues'. I mean, not brushing teeth, come on, thats just seeking out arguments for the sake of finding arguments.

This was a simple example. If it was that by itself, then yeah whatever. But she was so darn immature. Literally, there would be feces on the floor oftentimes and surrounding the toilet. She would just throw any trash right where she was sitting/standing, whether it be in the living room, bedroom, bathroom, etc. She would never put a single thing away. She would never clean a single thing or offer to help me clean in any way.

[HarmKrakow]

From everything which is written here in the list, I can easily make 'another' list as a points which I wouldn't give a damn about if my new friend has these 'issues'. I mean, not brushing teeth, come on, thats just seeking out arguments for the sake of finding arguments.

This was a simple example. If it was that by itself, then yeah whatever. But she was so darn immature. Literally, there would be feces on the floor oftentimes and surrounding the toilet. She would just throw any trash right where she was sitting/standing, whether it be in the living room, bedroom, bathroom, etc. She would never put a single thing away. She would never clean a single thing or offer to help me clean in any way.

My ex, (besides hygenie in the bathroom) was completely the same. But I never considered that as a trait. I know a lot of people, adults, who act super immature but still have a an awesome relationship.  Never really considered it as a possible 'trait' of BPD or any other.

I just call it their choice of living. Some like to have a house clean 24/7, some only for Christmas, some only for family, some only the bathroom. I tend to think nothing of it.