Setting healthy boundaries for phone conversations

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 25 y.o. BPD daughter lives on her own, but lately has been calling me later in the evening, drunk, to rant about her disappointments. I want to support her, but her calls make it difficult for me to relax and go to sleep after. Any suggestions?

[WinWin]

My 25 y.o. BPD daughter lives on her own, but lately has been calling me later in the evening, drunk, to rant about her disappointments. I want to support her, but her calls make it difficult for me to relax and go to sleep after. Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Hi Winwin:  Maybe you could try to put a boundary in place before a late night call.  Could you tell her that you have not been getting enough rest and you have decided that you are not going to answer the phone after a particular time?  This way you are setting a boundary about you and not about her calling you.  Maybe this way it will be received differently:

I can't speak to you when you are upset in the evening because the conversations get me emotional and then I can't sleep (this could be taken by her as - It is your fault)

as oppose to:

I really have not been getting enough rest.  I am not going to be answering the phone after 6pm so I can get some rest and some additional sleep.  If you need me try to call me before then (this is about you, not her... . it is your boundary).

I have had to do the same with my dh (not BPD).  He is under a lot of stress and he comes home from work very late.  I understand that he wants to share his frustration but I have to be up 6 hours later and when he comes home and shares his frustration it emotionally winds me up and I can't sleep.  I told him that I really want to be there for him but I can't do this at 11pm.  Could we try to talk in the morning or during the week and have a quiet dinner together where he could tell me what is going on.  This let him know I care and want to be there for him but at a time that is appropriate.


Griz

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, WinWin   

griz is right, and has some helpful ideas on Boundaries... . I think her techniques are spot on    Have you by any chance taken a look at this article?

Boundaries Tools of Respect

I think it will also give information that might help you with your Daughter, and can be used in figuring out how to deal with those phone calls. I know what it is like to dread those calls that come late in the night, and then trying to fall asleep afterwards  :'(  You are not alone in your stress     Keep sharing your story and your questions; the help you will find around here is amazing!

[capecod]

Hi, Winwin,

I've had way too many years of answering late night calls and trying to be the 'good mother' by listening into the night. It is impossible to get enough rest then up for a job. My DBPD, of course, never seems to get up in the mornings so she IS getting rest. 

I liked the way griz worded the boundary setting to reflect what you need, it will give her less to object to. It will also help to remind you that YOU and your health are important.

I am now working on setting a 10 min. time limit on phone conversations as my D will go on FOREVER, then be angry that I need off the phone.  10 min. is generally not enough time to get into an argument.    good luck.   

[truenorth]

I often find that when my son has reacted to something his sense of time becomes non-existent/or at best very skewed.  He stays up almost all night and can sleep late into the day (also because he is not working or going to school).  He has no appreciation for others needing sleep at these times as it is all about him and he does not seem to understand the needs of anyone else especially during these times.  I agree a boundary to not stay on longer than 10 minutes if you feel like you must pick-up the phone or as I have resorted to in the past I have told him that I will not answer the phone from 10:00 pm - 0700 when I am up for work and then stick to it.  After a few calls when you don't pick-up during these times she will get the message.  I don't think a big deal needs to be made about it - a simple: 'I need my rest", should suffice.

[twojaybirds]

I have not done this but when my dd is in an overbearing phone calling mode I think I should get another cell phone number and give that number to her telling her that this is my new number.  That way I can hide/turn off "her' phone but continue to love my life with my phone.

[qcarolr]

Here is another really good link on values based boundaries - about protecting our values, not changing behavior. The behavoir sometimes shifts as result - somtimes not.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries .20  BOUNDARIES: