Anniversary this week.

[Depression = 72% of members]

April 12, the two year anniversary of when I told him to leave is this week. I am a different person. I am more relaxed, I am looking forward to the future and I feel excitement about life once again. The process hasn't been easy, but it has been ever so rewarding. Here are the steps I took, as I remember them.

Crisis day. His house of cards came tumbling down. I told him that was it. He asked, " aren't we going to get through this together, like we always do?" I said no, I need time to think and put my life together. So started the end of my first and forever marriage. The first six months I was in shock, unable to understand, why? Why did he throw it away when we had it all? We were parents and grandparents and enjoying that role, we were financially secure, we had a beautiful home out in the country, where he wanted to live. People always told me how much he thought of me and how highly he spoke of me. Why would be jeopardize our life? For what? I couldn't understand, nothing was sinking in, I was trying to learn to manage the house alone, the finances, get a legal separation, deal with a sick mother who was needing nursing home care, explain to our children what had happened, what do I say, how much do I tell them, they are adults but this is their father. The first six months were a blur, but I was fortunate, I could handle it, I had the strength of a hundred women

At the six month mark he was seen by a psychiatrist, it was part of his sentence. He was diagnosed with BPD. I needed answers. I investigated. What I found was horrifying. The extent of the lies and deceit I had been unaware of and to realize what I knew was only a very small part of the whole. I read about BPD, I tried to understand what our relationship had meant to him in context of the diagnosis and the lies he told. Did it mean anything? My mother passed away. This is where I was a year ago on the first anniversary. Maybe some people couldn't handle it but I could. I had the strength of a hundred women.

I became angry, I didn't know I was. I didn't think I was feeling anger. I couldn't let myself be angry. I had learned early in the marriage to maintain control and keep calm, otherwise it was like throwing gas on a fire. Somewhere along the way I forgot what it was like to feel righteous anger. This anger was under the surface, smouldering, directed outwards to things of no consequence. I would curse at the person in front of me going too slow and shake my fist at the person who passed me going too fast. I blamed him, it was all his fault. I gave everything and now all I was left with was a past that was hidden to me. A past where all the blanks will never be filled in. The divorce was finalized. But I could deal with it, I had the strength of a hundred women.

The last six months have been a time of turning inward. Looking within myself, whatever is my purpose within this world? What responsibilities to my life have I ignored? Recognizing that I have needs and that it is OK for me to acknowledge and express those needs. To understand that I am not responsible for any others growth. To understand that I haven't the right to control anyone's life but my own. To understand that controlling my own life is a relative concept, that the best I can do is to attain knowledge and understanding and make good choices. To live for now and to share with those I care about. To learn to recognize unsafe people and to understand that I am not judging them, but I can not be there to fix them. To realize that life is as much about grief as it is happiness. To realize that my childhood life did not need to be the worst, that I am still allowed to feel sorry for the lonely child that I was. To know that it is safe within me to feel. To finally understand that I didn't have the strength of a hundred women but that I had put in place the defences of a hundred women. Living with him allowed me to ignore who I am as I concentrated on his needs and his problems and cleaning up his messes.

[Cumulus]

April 12, the two year anniversary of when I told him to leave is this week. I am a different person. I am more relaxed, I am looking forward to the future and I feel excitement about life once again. The process hasn't been easy, but it has been ever so rewarding. Here are the steps I took, as I remember them.

Crisis day. His house of cards came tumbling down. I told him that was it. He asked, " aren't we going to get through this together, like we always do?" I said no, I need time to think and put my life together. So started the end of my first and forever marriage. The first six months I was in shock, unable to understand, why? Why did he throw it away when we had it all? We were parents and grandparents and enjoying that role, we were financially secure, we had a beautiful home out in the country, where he wanted to live. People always told me how much he thought of me and how highly he spoke of me. Why would be jeopardize our life? For what? I couldn't understand, nothing was sinking in, I was trying to learn to manage the house alone, the finances, get a legal separation, deal with a sick mother who was needing nursing home care, explain to our children what had happened, what do I say, how much do I tell them, they are adults but this is their father. The first six months were a blur, but I was fortunate, I could handle it, I had the strength of a hundred women

At the six month mark he was seen by a psychiatrist, it was part of his sentence. He was diagnosed with BPD. I needed answers. I investigated. What I found was horrifying. The extent of the lies and deceit I had been unaware of and to realize what I knew was only a very small part of the whole. I read about BPD, I tried to understand what our relationship had meant to him in context of the diagnosis and the lies he told. Did it mean anything? My mother passed away. This is where I was a year ago on the first anniversary. Maybe some people couldn't handle it but I could. I had the strength of a hundred women.

I became angry, I didn't know I was. I didn't think I was feeling anger. I couldn't let myself be angry. I had learned early in the marriage to maintain control and keep calm, otherwise it was like throwing gas on a fire. Somewhere along the way I forgot what it was like to feel righteous anger. This anger was under the surface, smouldering, directed outwards to things of no consequence. I would curse at the person in front of me going too slow and shake my fist at the person who passed me going too fast. I blamed him, it was all his fault. I gave everything and now all I was left with was a past that was hidden to me. A past where all the blanks will never be filled in. The divorce was finalized. But I could deal with it, I had the strength of a hundred women.

The last six months have been a time of turning inward. Looking within myself, whatever is my purpose within this world? What responsibilities to my life have I ignored? Recognizing that I have needs and that it is OK for me to acknowledge and express those needs. To understand that I am not responsible for any others growth. To understand that I haven't the right to control anyone's life but my own. To understand that controlling my own life is a relative concept, that the best I can do is to attain knowledge and understanding and make good choices. To live for now and to share with those I care about. To learn to recognize unsafe people and to understand that I am not judging them, but I can not be there to fix them. To realize that life is as much about grief as it is happiness. To realize that my childhood life did not need to be the worst, that I am still allowed to feel sorry for the lonely child that I was. To know that it is safe within me to feel. To finally understand that I didn't have the strength of a hundred women but that I had put in place the defences of a hundred women. Living with him allowed me to ignore who I am as I concentrated on his needs and his problems and cleaning up his messes.

[Diligence]

Dear Cumulus,

Thank you for sharing your story.  Your description is eloquent!

Happy anniversary!  Your reflection on how far you have come reveals the depth of your self-awareness.  I am glad you are taking care of yourself.  I wish you well in slowly dismantling those defenses that served your purposes only while you were in crisis.

Warm regards,

Diligence

[Cumulus]

Thank you diligence. ( I like your avatar, reminds me of the importance of having fun). I woke this morning to racing heart and mind, not so much a dream but a remembering. Anniversaries are hard, they are triggers to the event. I had really felt like I was doing well, feeling comfortable within myself for most of the time especially over this last month. Thinking about the future, and the possibility of a new relationship. Knowing I was ready because I wasn't looking for someone else to ease the pain or help me forget but just wanting the enjoyment of having someone to share life with. I have not been concerned with anything to do with xBPDh or our relationship for months now, have given him really very little thought. Then this morning. Two years ago I got home late from work and that is when he told me about the charges placed against him. Well I've written before about my actions and feelings so won't repeat except to say after several hours I told him that is it. No more. You have to move out tomorrow. I am going to work in the morning and by the time I get home I want you gone. I went to the bedroom and shut the door. A little while later he came in and said, I suppose I can't sleep in here with you. This is what I was thinking about when I woke this morning. I always thought he wanted to come in and be comforted by me but no, I don't think that was it. I think he was concerned that I might go through his closet and find his hidden life. Evidence of affairs, gambling, theft, and on and on. That was it and now I have to spend time thinking about him today, and I don't want to but I know it will be intruding on my thoughts.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Cumulus,

Anniversaries can be quite difficult, but it sounds like you are taking it in stride.  Your story gives me hope in that you are two years out and making wonderful progress.  It has been 3 months since I've spoken to my ex, and I still feel the waves going up and down. 

There was much pain in your words, but also much beauty.  I especially liked reading the recovery in the last paragraph of your opening.  Thank you for sharing. 

Recognizing that I have needs and that it is OK for me to acknowledge and express those needs. To understand that I am not responsible for any others growth. To understand that I haven't the right to control anyone's life but my own. To understand that controlling my own life is a relative concept, that the best I can do is to attain knowledge and understanding and make good choices. To live for now and to share with those I care about. To learn to recognize unsafe people and to understand that I am not judging them, but I can not be there to fix them. To realize that life is as much about grief as it is happiness. To realize that my childhood life did not need to be the worst, that I am still allowed to feel sorry for the lonely child that I was. To know that it is safe within me to feel. To finally understand that I didn't have the strength of a hundred women but that I had put in place the defences of a hundred women. Living with him allowed me to ignore who I am as I concentrated on his needs and his problems and cleaning up his messes.

[heartandwhole]

Fantastic post, Cumulus!  Thank you for sharing your story, it is moving and inspiring. 

[Diligence]

Dear Cumulus,

Wow, you describe new insight to process.  I wish insight and personal recovery could be more like an apricot with an easily removable pit, than like an onion with layer upon layer to peel away.  As I type this I think, "Yes, but we, in recovery, get to decide when to peel the next layer of the onion."   

I think it is painful and yet profound to recognize the hurt someone has inflicted might have an entirely different motivation behind it than the one I initially assumed.  My thoughts and emotions eventually ease back into peace after I accept that the real motivation might have been even more selfish than I had thought.  Then I regroup and focus back on myself since I can only work on my own motivations and behaviors.

How do you plan to nurture yourself during your anniversary?

Warm regards!