Can anyone shed some light on this? What's wrong with me?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As some of you may have seen I started a thread yeaterday on the leaving boards regarding a conversation I had with yet another man from my ex's past. Once again truly realizing the full scope of my ex's lies and incredibly promiscuous background. It has been very, very hard to accept as I can't for the life of me picture my ex like that. That is simply NOT the woman I knew/dated and it hurts me to the core.

My question is. While on one hand it gives me relief and confirmation that she is a severely dissorderd woman and there simply is no way in hell anyone could have a healthy relationship with her. On the other, when I hear information like that (particularly about her promiscuity) it strangely makes me want her more. Both relationship wise and sexually. Even though I know I could never have a relationship with her and I would never take her back but every time I hear about her messed up past it makes me want her/her back more? What the hell is wrong with me?

[Dave44]

As some of you may have seen I started a thread yeaterday on the leaving boards regarding a conversation I had with yet another man from my ex's past. Once again truly realizing the full scope of my ex's lies and incredibly promiscuous background. It has been very, very hard to accept as I can't for the life of me picture my ex like that. That is simply NOT the woman I knew/dated and it hurts me to the core.

My question is. While on one hand it gives me relief and confirmation that she is a severely dissorderd woman and there simply is no way in hell anyone could have a healthy relationship with her. On the other, when I hear information like that (particularly about her promiscuity) it strangely makes me want her more. Both relationship wise and sexually. Even though I know I could never have a relationship with her and I would never take her back but every time I hear about her messed up past it makes me want her/her back more? What the hell is wrong with me?

[doubleAries]

Well, Dave, I think ultimately that is a question you need to answer yourself in counseling (are you attending any counseling?)

But here is an article that comes to mind that you might want to check out Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us

I think it is actually good to get to a place where we begin to understand that we have a few issues ourselves--we aren't attracted to people with BPD out of healthiness. Our journey to healing begins when we start looking at ourselves.

So what do YOU think the issue is? you know yourself better than anyone else. When you say you want her more, what do you mean by "want"?

[Dave44]

Well, Dave, I think ultimately that is a question you need to answer yourself in counseling (are you attending any counseling?)

But here is an article that comes to mind that you might want to check out Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us

I think it is actually good to get to a place where we begin to understand that we have a few issues ourselves--we aren't attracted to people with BPD out of healthiness. Our journey to healing begins when we start looking at ourselves.

So what do YOU think the issue is? you know yourself better than anyone else. When you say you want her more, what do you mean by "want"?

Hi there,

I have read that article - it's great. As far was what do I think it is... .   I have no idea? I mean from a sexual aspect of it I have my fair share of sexual experience when it comes to woman but never anything like I experienced with her. I think I'll always crave that about her. As far as "wanting" her back maybe it's the fact that I feel I can help her? Maybe I don't feel I deserve a whole healthy person if I can't help them in some way? Codependency has a lot to do with it I know that much. However anyone who has heard what I have heard about their ex's past would be so glad to run the other way and while I do feel relived I'm not wrapped up in it anymore it does make me want her back.

[doubleAries]

well what specifically do you want back?

I mean you probably don't want the being painted black part back, right?


is it the idealization phase? Are you jealous/possessive?

[charred]

Oh, and would an r/s with your mom work out... . no. Would you put up with a lot more verbal abuse when you thought you did something a little bad if it came from your mom... . yep. Would something be off in the sex department always... .   yep.

To be fair, I believe the attachment is LIKE it, not "is it"... . and I think the correct term for it is transference (rather than YUCK... . not my mom!) ... . but still it explains a lot, including the kind of person that is likely to fall for someone with BPD... . you would need to have a core wound where an unconditionally loving mother would normally be.

[Dave44]

Oh, and would an r/s with your mom work out... . no. Would you put up with a lot more verbal abuse when you thought you did something a little bad if it came from your mom... . yep. Would something be off in the sex department always... .   yep.

To be fair, I believe the attachment is LIKE it, not "is it"... . and I think the correct term for it is transference (rather than YUCK... . not my mom!) ... . but still it explains a lot, including the kind of person that is likely to fall for someone with BPD... . you would need to have a core wound where an unconditionally loving mother would normally be.

Yikes.

My parents divorced when I was 12 and I choose to stay with my father as he manipulated me into thinking my mother was evil etc etc. When I was 15 I started to form my own opinion and reached out to my mother in an attempt to form a relationship. She was obviously more than happy to and it was wonderful. Shortly after she became sick with cancer and passed away a few months before I turned 17. I wonder if this has anything to do with all this... .  

[Clearmind]

I’m not sure if your dilemma has to do with sex per se. While we were in the relationship and now coming out the other side of it – we feel a tremendous amount of confusion. The only thing predictable is its unpredictability. Our experiences with our partners were slippery.

It’s possible you knowing she is promiscuous is the one thing you actually know! It’s one less kink in the chain and something which is tangible and proven. Because it’s proven you have possibly found a way you could potentially connect/re-connect. It’s attractive! That part of it at least, is no longer a fear of the unknown.

This knowingness could very well be a hook for you.

My parents divorced when I was 12 and I choose to stay with my father as he manipulated me into thinking my mother was evil etc etc. When I was 15 I started to form my own opinion and reached out to my mother in an attempt to form a relationship. She was obviously more than happy to and it was wonderful. Shortly after she became sick with cancer and passed away a few months before I turned 17. I wonder if this has anything to do with all this... .  

Sorry to hear this Dave! Hugs to you.

A bit of a background! I come from a broken home, my mother is an enabler and my father more than likely BPD.

I learnt my relationship skills from an environment that was already emotionally invalidating. As an adult much of my childhood stuff – feelings unimportant, being invisible, requirement to be silent in light of my fathers rages, not having needs for the fear of abuse, an enabling mother who didn’t have the strength to protect us…result….hide my feelings of shame, hurt, sadness and guilt in the magical world of a Borderline. My ex was a mask, a meer bandaid.

Idealization is wonderful when you come from an invaliding home life. It’s the “discarding” and rejection that hurt like heck. That bandaid had been ripped off.

My relationship was reminiscent of my childhood. When I was the good, silent and obedient child – my father showed me love. When I was the good, silent and obedient child – my father took that love away. I was the same child – his drinking/emotional invalidation was the only thing that changed. It was not my fault.

It took me til I was 37 to realize this. I was seeking that validation from partners that I didn’t receive as a child. The only clincher was those very same partners took it away just as quick – just like my Dad did. I dated men just like my father.

I had to heal from my childhood – it was my childhood that lead to my ex! I learnt not to trust my gut because my childhood was so full of contradictions – just like my BPD relationship = abandonment trauma - carry over from childhood.

Hope this makes sense.

[charred]

I am sorry to have touched on such a painful area... .   had no idea. The idealization phase really gets us hooked, far beyond a normal dating r/s, and I think for some of us it works like I explained... . and that makes it easier to understand why we would take a lot of abuse, and want to hang in there for our partner, when a less attached person would be out the door and down the block.

The sex is a draw in many ways... . and when you are missing it and missing the pwBPD, it is really a draw. There are people that are in to the thought of their partners with someone else... . like a fetish... . so not acting on that, just the feeling it draws you in, isn't that surprising.

[pilgrim]

My condolences, Dave44 and thanks for the wisdom, charred, you were describing my life too.  Like many, I belatedly realized my mom had BPD also, thanks to my marrying one and much later being forced to learn about and deal with the illness while trying to protect my children.

I also discovered the outrageous promiscuity and lies after the divorce.  Total opposite of the virginal picture she had created.  Now I have reason to believe she may have also been a prostitute.

But it doesn't make me want her more.  More like this "gourmet" meal I feasted on was really infested with worms and flies . . .

Hope you figure it out with a therapist.

[peacebaby]

"you would need to have a core wound where an unconditionally loving mother would normally be."



Wow. Nice. My partner and I both have that. It's great.

[LetItBe]

"you would need to have a core wound where an unconditionally loving mother would normally be."



Wow. Nice. My partner and I both have that. It's great.

Me, too, peacebaby.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Dave.    I wonder if the draw to your ex is that you want to rescue her?  Sorry if I'm projecting here -- that's definitely something I've tried with my ex.

Interestingly, my mom died unexpectedly 6 years ago, so we never got to resolve terrible things she did to me when I was a child.  My BPDxbf is my mom in SO many ways.  That's gotta be the hook, why I've been SOO drawn to him.  In fact, knowing him has helped me learn that my mom very likely had BPD, too.  

[charred]

"you would need to have a core wound where an unconditionally loving mother would normally be."



Wow. Nice. My partner and I both have that. It's great.

Me, too, peacebaby.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Dave.    I wonder if the draw to your ex is that you want to rescue her?  Sorry if I'm projecting here -- that's definitely something I've tried with my ex.

Interestingly, my mom died unexpectedly 6 years ago, so we never got to resolve terrible things she did to me when I was a child.  My BPDxbf is my mom in SO many ways.  That's gotta be the hook, why I've been SOO drawn to him.  In fact, knowing him has helped me learn that my mom very likely had BPD, too.  

I am so sorry, I tried to figure out why the attachment was so intense, and it led me to it being like the primary attachment people normally have with their mother. My own mother is still living, and I have tried to breach some issues with her and it is pointless, she denies that anything was ever off, that she is anything but loving, etc. My mother didn't do terrible things to me as a kid, but rather was cold/distant and detached... .   the nasty one was my father.

My exBPDgf was very much like a "good mother" for a while, she moralized, was loving, seemed helpful and accepting... .   but over time she became more and more overbearing, patently unreasonable and started wanting me to do things like tell her everything said in my conversations with my exwife. She would be a hater... . but whatever she was upset about had a grain of truth to it... . but when looked at objectively was her being off base and crossing boundaries. When she would flip on me the attacks were brutal, no signs of her actually caring, the insults were so nasty.

I think that pseudo-primary attachment explains why we take so much abuse from them... .   and why when they paint us black and abruptly end the r/s, it is so devastating. My self esteem climbed when we started dating, I felt like I could take on the world... . and when she dumped me... . and was nasty for long periods of time... . could have crawled under a rock. Had a lot of arguments with other women I dated, and it was never like that... . they didn't affect my core valuation of my self... . and that is why I think the breakups with pwBPD are so devastating... . that a site like this is necessary.

Sat down and counted and in my life I have dated about 25 girls... . and had infatuations with about 7-8 of them, argued with all of them, married one of them, but only one got under my skin repeatedly. Some of the girls dumped me, a few I dumped, most kind of fizzled out or ended due to changes in our lives... .   none of them from way back have any allure today, the girls I thought I had to have in HS, and middle school... . I have fond memories, but very little interest in them. I was apart from my pwBPD 27 years... . that is a long time... . and hearing her voice had me 100% back where I was when she dumped me... .   and I have heard some of the other people I have dated, seen a few... . nothing... . just memories.

My exBPDgf has had 2 marriages, 7 engagements, 3 rounds of STD's that I know of, 2 panic attack/breakdowns in my presence, and has stalked me and some of my family members for much of the last few years. She told me she was diagnosed BPD, she has chased about 5-6 guys I know of while in an r/s with me... .   and despite all of it, I am still drawn to her... . just as most people can't just write off their mother, despite a mountain of evidence that she isn't a good person to be in an r/s with.

I have learned a lot about attachment and disorders, trying to understand how I got in this situation, one of the interesting things is that people find someone with their own level of emotional development/issues... . usually. At first I thought that was incorrect, no way, my pwBPD is so disordered, and I am a non, I don't have a serious disorder. Well, I don't have one... . instead I have a lot of other fleas and attachment issues and quirks... . and repressed hurts, and so forth... . enough that if they were piled up they would no doubt equal the disorder of my pwBPD.

The topic is shedding some light and whats wrong with you... . I don't know what is, but you are amongst many fellow travelers along the same road, and we found we do have things wrong... . usually going way back before the r/s with the pwBPD, often clear back to childhood. Most the people you know have issues, few people grew up with perfect nurturing. Ask the questions, what is wrong, find out, and do something about it. You know how wonderful feeling validated and loved is, and how bad having that out of your life can be... . work on yourself, get trustworthy, loving and find happiness from inside, from the inner child (your honest repressed genuine feelings)... .   as I think many of us on these boards share one common trait... . our inner child should be on a milk carton, we haven't seen them in so long... .   maybe they are locked in our inner car's trunk.

[Dave44]

Thank you charred for taking the time to respond in such great detail. This has really struck me hard and has given me a lot to think about. My ex very much so provided and did a lot of the things I so longed for from my mother. Making my lunches for work everyday, doing my laundry, cooking dinners etc etc... .   a real "family" home type setting. Something I described to her very early on how important that was for me. Likely she played right into that as on that level she provided EXACTLY what I had always longed for. This thread has really caused some deep thought for me the past couple of days... .   once again thank you.

[Maryiscontrary]

Charred, I am really impressed by your recent sets of analysis. I gain a lot of insight into your writings. Thanks for all the hard work.

[charred]

Thank You.

I have all kinds of unclear thoughts about my issues, writing forces me to clarify my thinking, and that is really starting to help me. Finding that constructive criticism helps me... . used to get defensive. It was my exBPDgf who insulted me by saying that I didn't really love her, I had attachment issues and was too stupid to know it. Turns out she was right about the issues, though that would be an example of ignorance not stupidity, in any event it led to me concluding the pain from the BPD breakup was due to what looks like a primary attachment... . and that made sense. In a similar vein, a senior member of these boards pointed out that I was making an assumption that I was operating from the "lonely child" schema, and that I should actually take the schema tests online and see what the results were... .   once again it ended up being constructive criticism, I took the tests and realized he knew I didn't know... . because "lonely child" was no longer one of the schemas... . and the test I took which had 14 of them... . well, I had issues where 5 were in the range of being my fleas. That led to picking up the book "Reinventing your Life"... . and reading about the lifetrap/schemas and being just whacked chapter after chapter by a gauntlet of emotions... .   as it explained so many things that I do that I shouldn't.

I have made good money, been a national martial arts champion and even finished my original bucket list, yet got little joy from any of it. Reading revealed so much, I felt anxious all the time... . had a hypercritical dad with a temper, and a distant cold/aloof mother, and it left me nervous... . and unsure of myself... . I compensated with martial arts, and earning lots of money... . yet I still had a deep set of anxiety that I wasn't good enough... . and really I had quit trusting my own judgement and was afraid to take risks, had a fear of failure. Dealt with feelings by avoiding them... .   then overcompensating with scarier stuff. Been an adrenalin junky... . raced drag boats, motocross, competed with horses (barrel and pole racing)... . fire walks, etc... . but none of it changed the deep feelings or gave more than momentary happiness. For each of the lifetraps (problems) I had... . the formula was the same, something bad happened growing up, that had feelings that instead of facing them, getting the facts and working through them, I repressed/avoided/compensated for them. After a lifetime of it, I was not a very good husband or father (too guarded and critical and with unrealistically high standards). My wife of 22 yrs was exactly the kind of woman I need, she accepted me as I am... . but I was not the guy she needed, as I had all these fleas and wasn't attending to them. The pwBPD recycling over and over was the last straw with her and we are divorced and she is dating and getting serious with someone else. I am probably overly aware of my issues at the moment, but working on them and realizing I have pushed people that cared away... . all my life, have been defensive when no attack was meant, have taken offense to constructive criticism... .   and just changing how I took the criticism has led to me being aware of all this and shown a path to correcting it and finally being happy... .   with myself.

I no doubt am talking too much, the schema tests and the book from same people really hit home... . in T eventually those things would have come up, after long time and lots of $$.

IRL ... .   I am too reserved to discuss all this kind of stuff with most people, getting a T gave me one person I can be open with, even cry and not worry about it.

It helps to express your feelings (and thoughts) when you have spent a lifetime repressing and avoiding them... . sometimes what comes out might need to be deleted rather than posted... . but it is helping me.

[Maryiscontrary]

I know this thread is taking another turn... .   my apologies Dave.

I do agree that we pair with people of our own maturity levels. I have severe attachment issues, somewhat disorganized personality structure, and perceptual sensory issues. I do not have self esteem issues any more, but I sure did, thinking I was defective.

I am really sorry about your wife. I do remember, however, you making references about how you and she were not seeing eye to eye when your remet your BPD. I don't remember what you said, but something, I remember you saying, was amiss.

I have different views than most, as I have a different filter, but it is my experience that most people change, sometimes for the better, a lot of times not. Would things had turned out the same without the crazy mean woman?

I mean you have tried to make sincere amends with your wife, it sounds. Hell, that's a lot more than what a lot of people in my life have given. I realize the pain caused. But maybe, just maybe, she was not the right one for you at this stage. I could be wrong, but I see this dynamic all of the time.

Maybe this might apply to Dave, too.

[charred]

I still love my exwife, and she still loves me, we still share a daughter. Hesitated to rush back in and reconcile when I had the chance, due to fears of things going back like they were, ... .   she had similar feelings, we didn't try counseling or working through them, we both had behaved badly at times and have mixed feelings.

The things she did, I contributed to, the things I did... . were my issues coming out.

My life is better now than it was before, but I sure miss having my family with me. I long for the feelings I had with my pwBPD, but no longer want to try to be with her, was time to throw in the towel.

Didn't mean to hijack the topic... . just interjecting what I thought happened for Dave to want to hang in despite the evidence, and hit on what seems to be wrong with most of us... .   and even to admit it gets better.

Most of the mistakes I made were trying to avoid emotions, pain in particular, I didn't like confronting things where it would hurt me, I would avoid the situations. Turns out that emotions need to be felt, we can bear the pain, and it is just a temporary indication that something is wrong and needs to change. It is what we think and do that determines our life, it is only thinking that makes something seem good or bad.

We had dogs when I was a kid and went on vacation and didn't take the dog, then we extended the trip, our dog died while we were gone (told it pined away)... . I was 7 and very hurt. We had other dogs growing up, but when I was out on my own, I avoided getting a dog, because of the fear of being hurt again when it died. That kind of decision is a mistaken one, I gave up a dog's lifetime of unconditional love, to avoid a few weeks of intense pain on my part... . and that kind of faulty reasoning is how we protect ourselves from hurt, and get our own fleas.

[Dave44]

Not sure if this applies to the issues brought forward by charred but I thought I would mention that my ex is older than me by 8 years. Also, my previvious ex (which ended respectfully) was 13 years my senior. I've always been attracted to older women. Even more so if they're a mother... .  

[charred]

Not sure if this applies to the issues brought forward by charred but I thought I would mention that my ex is older than me by 8 years. Also, my previous ex (which ended respectfully) was 13 years my senior. I've always been attracted to older women. Even more so if they're a mother... .  

Wow... . hope I have given you some food for thought anyway. Looking back, my 22 yr marriage had one thing about it that was very pleasant, the mothering. My exBPDgf took that tact part of the time, and I am sure that is what caused the deep attachment, I was needy in that department, and I am sure quite a few of us here are.

My schema therapy book describes wanting someone to take care of us and mother us as the ":)ependence" lifetrap... . has a lot to say about it, you might want to check out a copy of "Reinventing your life"... . by Jeff Young.

[Maryiscontrary]

Oooh... .   I find lots of guys want mommys. I mean, I am nurturing and all of that, but I am not a mommy. I run like hell. No offense at all. Talking about projections from another thread... .   this common one (you are my mommy projection) makes my blood run cold.

[LetItBe]

My BPDxbf lost his mom when he was a boy and has long been attracted to women older than him.  I am one of them.  He did seem to be looking for an unconditionally loving, perfect mother.  Then again, I think a lot of us tend to look to our partners to heal those kinds of things from our childhoods.  I know I was somehow looking to heal the r/s with my mom, to get her to hear me, to get her to love me consistently,  through my recent r/s.

[charred]

Wanting someone to care for you a certain way is fine.

Dependence goes deeper and usually is wanting someone to help you make decisions, guide you, care for you... . to the exclusion of you being a mature adult decision maker, that has his own boundaries and guidelines and is independent.

A dependent person is a big burden for the person who is doing the caring, and the dependent person is abdicating living a full life... .   both people benefit from independence.

Usually independence takes having a safe base to operate from and venturing out more and more over time, its the natural way we mature. If someone never had a safe base, lost a parent, or had parents that impressed on them the world is a scary place or just were not there when they needed reassurance... .   dependency develops.

Its like not having dogs, I avoid ever losing them and going through that pain, but I miss years of enjoyable life with them, and fear can keep me from all that joy. Having someone else do stuff for you can make you feel cared for, but you put the responsibility for your decisions and to a degree your happiness with someone else. If you did that with a pwBPD... . you probably paid quite a price already, but its more than losing the caretaker that you were depending on... . every day you abdicate being in charge of yourself, you are losing out on good things in life, like I have been losing out on the joy of having dogs.

[tailspin]

 

Dave,

You think something may be wrong with you because you've discovered secrets from your ex's past and these secrets have caused you to question your own judgment.  Go ahead and question your judgment (we all should) but please don't jump to the conclusion that something must be wrong with you because of what you did not (and could not) have known.

Do you think somehow you should have known?  Do you think you should have figured it out? This is your inner critic speaking and you must forgive yourself for being human.

Instead, pay attention to the red flags you ignored or denied and ask yourself why you didn't think you deserved better treatment.  Was it your fear of rejection?  Did you think you would never find another love like hers again?  Were you trying to prove you were worthy of her love?  These are all inadequacies we feel at one time or another.  Now is a great time to take a loving and kind look at your fears.

Most importantly... .   knowing her past (and the truth) wouldn't have changed the outcome of your relationship with her. Knowing the truth about her past really doesn't change anything.

Many of us (myself included) feel the fool in hindsight.  But the key is... .   we don't have to keep playing the fool.

tailspin

[Dave44]

Instead, pay attention to the red flags you ignored or denied and ask yourself why you didn't think you deserved better treatment.  Was it your fear of rejection?  Did you think you would never find another love like hers again?  Were you trying to prove you were worthy of her love?  These are all inadequacies we feel at one time or another.  Now is a great time to take a loving and kind look at your fears.

Yes yes and yes. I still do think I'll never find a love like that again. The fact is had I just scratched beneath the surface even the slightest bit in regards to her past I would have relized how messed up she is. I was so blinded and choose to avoid all the red flags as she was providing me with everything that I had ever hoped for.

[charred]

It is so easy to give someone the benefit of the doubt... . I just had an interesting experience this evening. Been wanting to go out so got on the POF site and contacted a gal who after a bit agreed to go out. My sister told me to check her out good, as I keep drawing nutcases (not true ... .   other than my pwBPD... . and she introduced me to her!)

So the gal had an odd alias name on the site, so I googled it and found the same name was used on her youtube account, and it also had her full name, so I googled and did a background search, to prove to my sister that she was wrong about me being a magnet for nuts.

The gal I was going to go out with... . has 9 aliases, has been an inmate in more than one prison in California, was on 4 different counties most wanted lists at various times, is listed as CEO of a company in California on linkedIn, and as an consultant ... . different account on linkedIn with a company in my city... . complete with an address/phone number and BBB rating... . which when I checked the address is an empty lot, the phone number is dead and the BBB rating says it had insufficient info to give anything higher than a B.

Thought maybe I had wrong person... . but found a booking photo, and its clearly her.

So... . I planned on spending the evening with someone that would have been yet another big mistake, in all likelyhood.

My sisters comment to all this... .   "what in the world did you put in your dating profile?"

[Louise7777]

LOL Charred! 

Your sister comment was the best!

On a serious note now, the story sounds pretty scary. It was wise of you to do the search. Better luck next time. 

[doubleAries]

Dave--

Basically every aspect of a r/s with a personality disordered person is intense. Years ago, I had a r/s with an NPD guy. The "courtship" phase was like a fairy tale or something (especially for someone like me, who grew up with a BPD mother that never ever even once told me she loved me, but was more than delighted to tell me why she DIDN'T love me). Then things went bad (real similar to the "how a BPD r/s develops article) I really didn't understand why. I tried so hard to get things "back on track"--I just didn't understand that it WAS on track--as far as PD r/s's go... .   The super intense honeymoon phase and the super intense devaluation/projection/blame phase were both part of the package. I guess I get that now. I sure didn't then.

Charred--

Your story makes me think of a friend of mine (different story, but brings to mind nonetheless) who put up a dating profile that said "land owner in 2 states, financially secure, trust fund, 2 jobs" basically that was it about himself. 3 years later, he was bitterly complaining to me about how he couldn't understand how he'd gotten hooked up with a gold digger! Not saying this is what you did--just your sisters comment made me think of it. I'm a long ways from dating. Can't trust myself. I know I'm a psycho magnet.

[Dave44]

Thanks for all your input guys, I tremendously appreciate it. I should also mention that before I met my ex I was extremely lonely... .   extremely. It had been almost 4 years since my previous relationship and I hadn't even had so much as a date. As I mentioned before, I've always been attracted to older woman but that's becuase typically older women connect with me. Their normally the ones that will make conversation and what not. Younger girls, or girls my age... .   forget it. Matter of fact girls my age rarely even make eye contact with me and tend to avoid it at all cost. Now I'm a good looking guy. Out of all this, that is one thing I'm sure off . So I've always struggled to understand that about girls my age.  

I also have no family what so ever. No parents, no siblings, no grandparents, cousins... .   none. No real true friends either. So when I say I'm alone I really mean I'm alone in every sense of the word. So when my ex came around and approached me and in turn ended up dating her it was literally a dream come true. I can't stress that enough. So much so that for the first couple of weeks when I would wake up in the morning I would literally have to check my phone to see if there really was texts on there from her and I wasn't just dreaming.

Being so alone and lonely for so long with no family at all and then meeting my ex who provided not only the intense love (idealization) but more importantly the family oriented atmosphere that I so longed for most of my life was a deadly combination.  

It is also reminds me of how down right nasty it was of her the way she ended it a right before Christmas. Like I've stated before on saturday November 24th we were chatting via text one day while I was at work and I was expressing to her how much I was looking forward to Christmas. How for the first time in a long time I wouldn't be alone on Christmas Day and what it meant to me to be spending it with my new loving family. Here is word for word her reply to that text:


"Aww Hun you're not only spending Christmas with a family you've become a part of this family. My girls love my boyfriend so much they want you as their father and I've, finally... .    found the one and only for me. Nothing will ever be the same as life as you knew it. We are a unit now and together forever we'll enjoy every part of this life together. We're so happy to. To finally find our man and have him for our first Christmas together!"


That was on Saturday November 24th. The following Monday (the 26th) after a very minor, simple disagreement she kicked me out leaving me homeless and in a hotel. I have never heard a word from her since. Given what she knew about my family situation (or lack off I should say) and knowing damn well how incredibly special this Christmas was going to be for me to end it like that and never speak to me again was nothing short of down right cruel. I will never, NEVER forget the Christmas of 2012.

I hope this gives you a little more insight into my personal situation and why this has be so tremendously hard for me.