I'm not doing as well as I thought

[fakename]

So after we exchanged those emails Friday, it looks like I'm not doing as well as I thought.

I feel like I forgot everything I learned.

I think a big part of it has been me being disappointed in myself for not pushing myself today.

But I guess maybe ignoring her email might have been better off for me than replying.

I feel myself missing her and kinda wishing she'd reach out again.

I know I don't want to be with her cause I can't trust her at all and I have to put more focus on when I see my mind depressing itself but its tough. Maybe I want to feel down?

I guess it just bothers me that after a breakup a person should feel comfortable in knowing that the other person will allow them the respect of not popping up now and then so I can move on. It makes it tough because I know I can't have that with her- she'll reach out even after a year with the same hook and line.

Do I send her an email asking her to respect my boundaries?

Can some help me draft something to write?

[Clearmind]

You may not have forgotten, you may feel a little lost in grief right now. We are all here for you!

Contact/bargaining what we should/shouldn’t have done can spark our feelings of rejection, sadness and hurt fakename. Rather than acknowledging and treating ourselves to some kindness and compassion our inner critic goes napalm on us – with thoughts of:

I am not good enough

It's unfair

I do not get my way

I failed

Everyone should see the great guy/girl I am

These deep feelings of shame, hurt and sadness are very real FN and it’s often easier to mask these feelings with fear and anger.

Hurt, sadness or shame are all part of life and we often find it very uncomfortable to sit with them – we sometimes prefer to impart our emotions onto another person rather than process these intense feelings ourselves.

The reason why some of these intense emotions are uncomfortable is because it’s likely as young people we were not permitted to express them – my own childhood was emotionally invalidating - I preferred to express it as anger.

Cry, punch a boxing bag, exercise, yoga all help you to process this hurt and sadness. Its OK to feel them – permit yourself to feel and be sad.

[clairedair]

HI fakename

sorry to hear you are struggling.

I find it very frustrating to be feeling quite positive and then wake up the next day feeling down or 'not good enough' or angry.  Often these negative feelings follow contact with ex.  We have children together so I can't go NC.  At the moment I am waiting for him to come and pick up the kids for a short holiday.  I wasn't meant to be around but one of the kids is sick and can't go so I'll need to be around when he arrives.  I've been in a good mood and am trying to hold on to that but I know that seeing him will have an effect.

It sounds as if, for you, contact is also leading to a bit of a downward spiral.  I see why you would want to send another 'final' e-mail but do you think it would actually help.  If she ignores it, how would you feel?  If she responds, she could turn it around and ask you to stop harassing her.  I've tried more than once to send some kind of 'closure' message but have yet to have a response (or non-response) that didn't just make it worse.

Others may have some suggestions though.

take care,

Claire

[Billa]

I feel something different, I miss him very much. And he is the one which is keeping NC (even if I'm not doing anything to interrupt it), after I told him I could no longer tolerate his behavior (he was triangulating (read definition) me and his ex Gf) . But I'm feeling really bad. I feel desperate and depressed. I think I wasn't enough detached to exit r/s yet, even if the pain was so strong to have become unbearable. But now it's very hard.

[fakename]

hey guys, thanks for writing and the support. its funny how i thought i was a lot stronger, but i can now see i am still fragile. i'm feeling better today, cause i do feel like i built a good foundation, but obviously need to learn to deal with things.

its also funny, i woke up this morning and my first thought was that her interest in me was based on my interest in her - i think i said that right.  which i dont think it healthy, because it's completely one-sided.  thats all those emails were really about... .   i dont know. my mind still has a bit of chaos obviously.

@clearmind, i think youre right in my feelings of rejection and hurt being sparked.  im hurting over the cheating again and those thoughts of the inner critic you mentioned are what i am feeling... .   only, i'm not angry about it (i dont think), and i dont feel hopeless about it, i guess its just sadness and hurt. not entirely sure though.  its funny how after those emails i feel like i think her depression and BPD have disappeared and maybe she's manageable now. 

@clairedair, i wrote out an email of what i wanted to tell her last night, but after writing it i felt a bit better and see no reason to email her, so thats good.  you're right in contact is apparently leading to a downward spiral.  if i did email her, i dont thinki would care if she replied or not (if she did, i'm sure she would reply civilly and apologize), i guess i really just want to send it to tell her its not right for her to keep contacting me - like i want her to KNOW its not right what she's doing.  but even when she does reply with 'i'm sorry and i will respect your wishes, i wish you happiness and health' (haha, i am almost positive she'd write with some crap along those lines) i know she wouldn't hold herself to that agreement... .   so there really isnt any point, and sending any sort of email to her would just give her control and have her know she can still manipulate me.

@billa, i'm sorry for your feelings of hurt. its funny how its similar to how i felt, though i did feel i was detached enough to exit the r/s (was just so fed up with the lying and and cheating and we broke up maybe 3-4 times in the 2 months leading up to the final breakup), even afterwards i was quietly hoping she'd contact me and i would wait for that. and then when it comes, it made things worse for me.  catch 22.  i dont know how to move on knowing she will never leave me alone... .   i do suspect she does have a new supply right now, cause otherwise i feel like she would have reached out again by now. 

either way, i'm feeling better than last night. i'm going to try to keep on with the momentum, gonna make sure to be productive and do all the things i should be doing... .  

thanks again guys

[fakename]

I also fear that me wanting to send that email is really just me hoping she begs me to try again. Guess I can't really trust myself right now.

God, my mind has such chaos. What the heck is wrong with me. So much back and forth!

[HarmKrakow]

hey guys, thanks for writing and the support. its funny how i thought i was a lot stronger, but i can now see i am still fragile. i'm feeling better today, cause i do feel like i built a good foundation, but obviously need to learn to deal with things.

its also funny, i woke up this morning and my first thought was that her interest in me was based on my interest in her - i think i said that right.  which i dont think it healthy, because it's completely one-sided.  thats all those emails were really about... .   i dont know. my mind still has a bit of chaos obviously.

@clearmind, i think youre right in my feelings of rejection and hurt being sparked.  im hurting over the cheating again and those thoughts of the inner critic you mentioned are what i am feeling... .   only, i'm not angry about it (i dont think), and i dont feel hopeless about it, i guess its just sadness and hurt. not entirely sure though.  its funny how after those emails i feel like i think her depression and BPD have disappeared and maybe she's manageable now. 

@clairedair, i wrote out an email of what i wanted to tell her last night, but after writing it i felt a bit better and see no reason to email her, so thats good.  you're right in contact is apparently leading to a downward spiral.  if i did email her, i dont thinki would care if she replied or not (if she did, i'm sure she would reply civilly and apologize), i guess i really just want to send it to tell her its not right for her to keep contacting me - like i want her to KNOW its not right what she's doing.  but even when she does reply with 'i'm sorry and i will respect your wishes, i wish you happiness and health' (haha, i am almost positive she'd write with some crap along those lines) i know she wouldn't hold herself to that agreement... .   so there really isnt any point, and sending any sort of email to her would just give her control and have her know she can still manipulate me.

@billa, i'm sorry for your feelings of hurt. its funny how its similar to how i felt, though i did feel i was detached enough to exit the r/s (was just so fed up with the lying and and cheating and we broke up maybe 3-4 times in the 2 months leading up to the final breakup), even afterwards i was quietly hoping she'd contact me and i would wait for that. and then when it comes, it made things worse for me.  catch 22.  i dont know how to move on knowing she will never leave me alone... .   i do suspect she does have a new supply right now, cause otherwise i feel like she would have reached out again by now. 

either way, i'm feeling better than last night. i'm going to try to keep on with the momentum, gonna make sure to be productive and do all the things i should be doing... .  

thanks again guys

Fakename, keep in mind that when you got entangled in this r/s, you were stronger than her but obviously this r/s worn you out more than it did to her. So it's completely normal to feel 'worse' than her which might lie very close to the truth. Funny thing is ... . you will come out of this stronger, as you are willing to actually, grief, process, think about it, work on what is and has been bothering you.

The BPDer ... . wont do that

[laelle]

Its completely normal to have good and bad days. Unfortunately we dont heal overnight and with the added trauma of our "experience" with someone with BPD we are left with emotional damage of our own.  It takes time.  When your sad, be sad.  Its ok.  When your happy, be happy.  Its ok too.  Its all part of the process.  I find mindfulness to be very helpful.  It helps to keep us centered and focused on the present without worry for the past or future.  There is no pain when you find your wise mind.  I believe there are some lessons speaking of it on this website.

If it sounds like I dont have anger, your wrong.  Eventually the anger turns to acceptance.  The only way you will let go of your own hurt is to accept them for who they are, and decide that who they are is not something you can live with.  You will begin to let go of the pain then.

I spent 7 months on the staying board trying to make my relationship work, so I have had alot of time to "accept" that i was in a relationship with an emotional 3 year old.  I tried to make that work, but in the end, im still in a relationship with someone who can only return what a 3 year old can give.  Its not enough for me.

I'm really sorry your having a bad day. Emotions are like clouds and they pass over our personalities.  Our personalities stay but our emotions change.  It will ebb and flow for a while and then you will get your bearing back and be on your feet again.  

I wish you the best

Laelle

[fakename]

Thanks for writing guys. Kinda needed support today.

The morning was rough and I was close to adding her a one line email telling her to leave me alone but I fought against it. I'm doing better now.

Harmkrakow,

Good points. Thank you. However I don't know if I feel worse than her. How can I feel worse than someone who has depression and BPD? I guess it depends if he has her new supply right now or not. Which I suspect cause I haven't heard from her since Friday.

Laelle, very helpful points. Thanks.

While these clouds are over me I fid myself wondering all over again who she's with and what she's up to and if she's making sound decisions.

Hmph.

[daze]

Fakename,

My therapist said it's kind of hard to go back once your eyes are open.  However, I frequently forget what I've learned with my uBPDh and hope things will improve.

Laelle was right.  You'll have good days and bad days.  Seems you do better when there is no contact.  If you email her back to request no contact, there will be more contact.  If I were you, if SHE contacts you, I would say no more contact but I wouldn't email her to say it.  Otherwise, just try to let it go.

Seems like one of the hardest things to accept in a breakup with a pwBPD is the lack of closure.

Daze

[laelle]

Just because you have a bad day, doesnt mean you have re engage with her.  Accept your having a bad day where you miss her.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Sometimes I go to bed early because I just want the day to be over.  Usually the next day is better.

I have kinda adopted a sentence from Phoenix.  "I will not contact him today, maybe tomorrow."  If every day you wake up and say that, it will help you to suffer less.

If she emails and you want to re engage with her... .   you are no longer a victim.  You know you will get bit, and you will hurt.

If she emails and you want her gone, ignore her.  Its the best way to make her go away.  You deny her the closure she denied you.

This is how I feel anyway, you can do as you think is best for you.