Right Action? Not always so simple

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

Hi!

My ex and I were married 7 weeks then complete marriage annihilation by her.  It's six months later.  Started feeling sane at 5 1/2 months.  It was HELL.  Found a document that fell out of a box that was a psyche eval hiddent with the pictures.  States she is borderline and was diagnosed 10 years ago.  Never, told me and married me anyways.   I went through all the classic SO emotions, obsessions etc. Have come out the other side though I am sure residual may be there for awhile. By observation of my ex-'s behavior I am "split". We are both sober; her 10 years me 5 years.   It's kind of a "mind-f--k" because part of being sober is looking at your part and being accountable to it, and make amends.  In this situation my ex-pwBPD she is blameless. She sits and argument we had the day she left as verbally abusive and grounds for divorce.  It was an argument that i have had a many times in previous relationships and have never been accused of verbal abuse.  But I was unaware at the time I was dealing with a Waif Borderline.  (Yes I finally arrived at the anger phase; 5 months of compassion and trying to understand nearly killed me. 

She has recently began showing up at my AA meetings that I have attended for some time. To her defense she had attended these meetings but it had been a few years. When I arrive at the meeting she will do a dramatically  walking backwards as if she is threatend and if I share within she will dramatically walk out of the room. It bothers me sure,  but it's tolerable. It actually helped myh see her for what she is an move on.

What I don't understand is if I am split why does she react at all. Her body language says no contact and I have made no efforts. I wanted to change my meetings but my therapist is directing me to "deal" with it and no let her define me. I am not sure having this drama helps either of us.

I am left playing the role of "good boy" and you have nothing to be scared of. There was no physical abuse, tons of emotiaonl abuse, and obvious codependency on my side.   in our relationship from a classic definition sense. Have no idea how she perceived it, she left with no explanation

Any thoughts.

[spaceace]

My two cents is, the meeting can be changed. Find a meeting where you can share and not have to worry about interactions with her. There are other places, times, etc... . you can find a meeting. I would suggest you go to a meeting that makes you feel comfortable and not worry about it defining you if you move. I really don't understand why your therapist has told you that.

Do what is best for you. These meetings are meant as a place to share openely, right... . so her being there would seem to impede that.

Just my thought.

[laelle]

Do you think she started meetings again knowing you were there?  I dont know if its really necessary to move, because if she is BPD she more than likely wont stay long.  I guess it depends on what her motives are.  You will probably know more in the weeks to come what she is after.

Just because you are split doesnt mean she doesnt have feelings about you (notice I didnt say for) She just cant process them to make a lick of sense out of them.

If I was divorced from someone, out of respect I wouldnt come to their AA meetings.  It takes alot of nerve if you ask me.

I do agree that I would not feel safe to share or be open in group with my ex, and would be completely understandable for you to change.

I think your therapist is trying to get you to a point where you dont live reactionary to her.  I would agree in the grocery store, but not my aa meetings.

[lockedout]

I'm not a mental health expert, but if your therapist is telling you do "deal with" going to a meeting where you have to reveal your private thoughts and inner working to your ex, it's time to get a new therapist. This guy is clueless. You ex most likely contributed to your reason for needing AA. You'd be better off if you had to go to the meeting with a case of whiskey in front of you. The whole purpose of those meetings is anonyminity. She is seriously warped and messed up if you were originally going to the meetings and she started showing up. Once without the knowledge that it's your meeting is understandable. Repeatedly is bizarre.